Evanescent

   Thoughts are just as evanescent as moments in life. It will need a particular incident for it to resurge in your mind again. Sometimes you may need some "alone" time for you to collate your thoughts and remember it. I gradually feel that this blog is beginning to serves this purpose. It's been almost 2 months since I edited this blog and there's so many things I've yet to share with you guys. Since the previous post seems to work much better in updating you guys of what's going on in my life, so I'll keep it that way.

1) Final Lap :-

   The big day is finally at my doorstep. I'm down to only 5 days left before my A' Levels. It had never been this crucial for me to achieve a victory this time. I've sacrificed way too much for this second chance at redemption. Ever since last October, the plans have been underway - from the finances, study notes, timings, tutoring and even being tutored. A lot of motivation were given from Ben, Cel, my counsellor Aishah, families, friend and the teachers who still believed in me. And now, 5 days before my Physics practical paper 5 (which would be the first time I am going to an exam "blind"), I can feel the pressure already. I've been giving myself a much higher standard than before, making sure that I do not make the same mistakes. In the past, I was too distracted and less focused on my goals that I failed to meet the mark. This time, with my dreams, reputation and money on the line, I must make it work somehow. Across the board, I've obtained good reviews based on the practice papers and mock exams. But somehow, it had always felt like it is not enough. Like there are students out there who are much capable of better scores and are busy mugging now as we speak. Yet, it may somewhat be a good thing as I would not be overconfident of myself. I just have to know that when it comes down to the wire, I will fight till the end.

2) Method Behind The Madness :-

   After 100 hours of compulsory community service dealt to me during my probation, it felt like a bane to leave the Metta Home just like that. The lessons I've learnt there are invaluable and that it had opened my eyes to an entirely new perspective. I remembered the first time I entered it's compounds - What the hell is this place? Omg it's the place for retards wtf?!. It is only after going through with the programme that I realised that this guys are somewhat like us, maybe even better. The "Crazies", as I would call them, had their own way of communicating with one another and showing compassion. They do go out and work sometimes and enjoys the usual leisure in life. But then, words like "ADHD", "Dyslexia", "Cerebral Palsy" and "Schizophrenia" made it sound like they are different form us. Like they are weird as compared to us. Yet, if you really look at our lives, you would realise that we are actually the crazy ones here. Constantly rushing here and there, shouting and scolding others, the non-stop complaining about literally everything, doing dumb things like getting drunk and smoke for the high of it etc. So when I look back, yes they make have their deficiencies but they may not be as evil as us in some ways. And we are not that different from them in other ways. I stumbled upon my draft talking about them and I remembered - As much as the real life have taught me a few things about life, the madmen are the ones that taught me the other side of life, the ones that we don't appreciate. The idea behind the madness in them is that ironically they are sane, sometimes more sane than us. It's undeniable that the world is getting worse by the day. But when you see them, it's the opposite. They just live the same day, everyday.  They don't know what's going on around them. They don't have to bother about socialising (that includes all that social media and clique shit).

3) Monster :-

 Speaking of getting drunk for the high of it, it reminds of the recent outing my camp had during our pay day. After a great dinner at Haji Lane, the guys invited me to club with them at Zouk. To be honest, I was really hesitant at first. It was going against everything that i have known and learnt. I have to admit that I wasn't totally a man of religion but this was going against some part of me. But at that time, it felt like a need for me to experience it once so that I can relate to it someday when I'm in uni. And so I did go with them to Zouk. But when they offered me a drink, I had to decline. It was the limit which my moral principles would allow me to go. I am not ready to sacrifice my life by committing some heinous act while I'm drunk. My campmates went on getting drunk without me. As we get into the club, that is where I saw the monster in them - the drinks, randomly grinding and making out with strangers, jumping crazily to the loud music, getting high. Yes I am a fan of loud and good music, dance and all but this was a little too much for me to handle. Call me conservative but I think that it is somewhat immature and it is just letting you escape your problems for just a while.  Nevertheless, I still stayed with them till 5 in the morning when the club closes, enjoying the music at Velvet with Red Bulls and being a good sport.

4) Talk You Down :-

   It has been a problem that has been bugging me since I was 11 years old. For 10 years I've been suffering through this dilemma with no proper solution in sight. The issue - Bully. Time and time again my character has always been the same to avoid conflict and not to lose a friend. But somehow it contradicts with life, where not everyone likes you and you have to accept that. So every time somebody criticises me, although it may be just a joke, I took it a little too seriously. And when somebody pushes me to the corner, I was more of the kind that finds a way out rather than fight my way out. So it puts me in the light as someone who is a pushover, the guy that can be used up and I hated it. But how do you draw the line between jokes and seriousness? How do you show where's your limits? I know that I was never one with the strongest of arguments or physical traits but my character is totally different. I would fight off anyone just to get what I want. But not everyone seems to respect that. A long chat with Ben revealed a very, very lack of confidence in me and that I don't exhibit enough positivity in myself even though I may have changed for the better. I may have changed, but my constant illusion of needing everyone's approval is killing my self-confidence and making me target to be pushed around. So the question now is will positivity and a much better self-confidence really be a cure to this 10-year dilemma? Only God knows.

5) Eulogy :-

   It was midnight in camp and I was getting ready to sleep. That is when I received a text from my cuzzy that her grandmother just passed away. It came to me as a shock as I do see her grandmother quite often and that it has only been 3 weeks since I last saw her. But what hurts the most was remembering the words she told me outside her house gate before I left the day I last saw her. It was as if she'd knew that it  would be the last time we would meet. She asked me to take care of my family and to never forget about them as I progress in life. Her face showed a myriad of feelings as she told those words to me, and I got a feeling that it would be the last. The following day after camp was her wake, and I came to pay my respects. After the eulogy was said and done, sadness overtook my auntie and cuzzy as one by one came to see her body for the last time and offer their condolences. I felt helpless, like another burden was put on my shoulder. Yet another one had passed away telling me to stand up for my family and to never give up on them. And I had lost another one who had faith in me to succeed.

   Before I leave you guys for this one month of A' levels, there are 2 more piece of news that I've wanted to share. 

   Firstly, the Allegiant book is finally out!!!!! Now finally I have a good book to read to pass the time. So a new government is formed under the helms of Evelyn, but are the factions really happy being disbanded, and with her? Will they ignore what's outside of the fence or will their curiosity naturally bring them outside? Moreover, what is actually waiting for them outside? And who actually is Edith Prior?

   

   Secondly, I stumbled upon a heart-warming ORD speech given by one my good buddy in SRU 33. It also opens up your eyes to the reality of life during NS and after you ORD. Contrary to popular belief, ORD is not exactly a happy occasion. But is really serving NS any better? It is for you to decide. ;)