That Ball Of Emotion

   I don't know where I should begin. Honestly, I'm having mixed feelings all the time now. Sometimes I may feel like I've dropped the ball as I was so close to the finish line. I can totally relate to how Iker Casillas is feeling, with that Spain's 5-1 raping by the Netherlands. It wasn't that he's not a good goalkeeper, but rather it's just not his day. On other times, I may feel all too happy, like Haris Seferovic when he got that last-gasp winning goal for the Swiss during their bout against Ecuador. Such last-minute goals are simply my favourite, showing the tenacity a team has in winning and trying their best.

   It just so relates to how am I feeling right now. There are things that just seem to go horribly wrong. And then there were things that lifted my spirits up again. I'm constantly shot at NS, then arguments at home, then happy times with friend and soon the increasing dilemma with things I faced about my future and my financials. Like I said again, I have no idea where to begin. But I have to somehow, to let all of this off from my chest. Yet, I must keep each part short to squeeze everything in.

1) That elusive finish line

   As I look at my countdown app on my phone, I knew what to do. Endure 26 days of camp without any fuss. With a clearance of 5 duties off, this would mean that I only have 4 more duties left in play. And I was hoping that I can ORD in peace. Oh I was so wrong..






   Throughout my time in SRU, I've seen people come and go and I've seen their attitude. As a person gets closer to their ORD, they tend to slacken in terms of their work ethics. And I noticed that Encik was never too angry with that. Until now.

   I too began slacking off. I didn't went down for drills during some occasion and got late more often. I know that it was wrong but I've tolerated seeing the other guys doing so and I felt that it's my time to do so too. Yet, I didn't consider the fact that these guys did it during a better time when the Platon Commander was more lax. I, on the other hand, did it at a crucial bad time. So, not knowing that Encik was being serious this time, and my Platoon Commander, Reddy, was being an ass by ranting about me every time to him or to any of my campmates, I continued with my habits. And so suddenly I was charged with non-compliance on my part, for being late 3 times in a row.

   Oh yes I'm pissed. I've seen others who were late just as often as I am and they were let off the hook, all because they were not a target to pick on. I tried talking things out with my green-eyed PC but he was telling me that the call came from Encik himself. But why?? I have spent almost 18 months with him - doing harsh drills with him and succeeding in it, covering peoples asses, covering my ass, doing loads of administrative work by staying back and getting to know his family. So why now? Why is he gonna backstab me now, when I'm so near to ending this phase of my life on a good note? I just don't get it.

   He doesn't know the consequences of the charge. Not only will I be $50 poorer (you will know why it matters later on), I'm going to have a tainted record whereas I was so close to ORD with a clean slate. My campmates, well, all the more they were happy that I'm going to be charged. To them, I deserved to die because I was so stupid and I was never like them. To them, I simply deserved it. I tried talking it out too with Encik but it seems like he had rest his case. Maybe there's nothing much I can do right now. I just hope and pray that he would come to his senses and let this pass. On my part thought, I know that I cannot screw up even once, at least for the rest of the 26 days left.

2) Brewing troubles

   While I was writing this blog, I can't help but to worry about my financials as well. I was well aware that my financials can never be stable all the time. Yet, I was shock at the severity of the financial problem that I'm facing. 






   


   On one end, the 2 tutees that my mum passed on to me had to cancel their tuition by the end of the month because they were migrating back to the Philippines  The other 2 tutees, Pradip and Aryan, are nowhere to be found even though they had promised to resume their tuition by this week. This would mean that I may have no tuition assignments in hand and no source of income coming in by July. And that's only part of the problem.

   By July 12, I will not be getting my final pay as it was my ORD month. The rule states that an ORD personnel will have a delay in their final pay by a month. In addition, my subsidies had ended in June and I'm running out of savings due to my planned trip to Langkawi.

   To make matters even more severe, I've got tons of things to pay off in addition to my usual expenses. There is that hall fees I had to take care of and other miscellaneous fees, like orientation fees, silat courses etc. It doesn't help it when your mum also decided to change to another job at this crucial time.

   This would mean only one thing - I may be back to square one in July, both cashless and jobless as I proceed to NTU in August. I'm still trying to re-ignite my tuition streak but it seems hard so far. Honestly, I've never expected it to be this severe.

3) Standing in the middle

   There was that dilemma all these years as to where I stand. On one extreme end, there is an exciting life I can embrace and mould myself to fit in. To be an extrovert and interact so well with everyone, find a soulmate and feel so happy and content. On the other hand is my religion, the very one my life holds strongly to. It had taught me my life principles and had kept me going all the way for my dreams. It is that thought that with difficulty comes ease that had kept me alive till today and not jumping off that ledge when I had my chance. My religion and Allah is the only thing that seem to understand my saddest of thoughts, and had kept me company through my darkest of times. All that pain and suffering in the deepest part of my heart, only God can comprehend better than no other human will. I need my religion ; I need Islam.

   What should I choose? What should I do? I can't continue to sit on the fence and keep thinking that I can achieve the best of both worlds and be happy. I need to make a sacrifice, yet I feel like I'm incapable of doing it right now. This dilemma had been restricting my potential to excel in life and I knew it. I'm hurt and I need answers. I need help. With only over a months away from uni, I needed answers.

   Alhamdulillah, the answer soon came in a form of a meet-up with someone that I've been wanting to see. I was never hesitant to tell Zufie my whole life story as I was desperate to find answers before I get mad. What surprised me though was the very that he supported my stand. His verdict was for me to continue standing in the middle - Socialise freely with people on one end, yet strengthen your religion and set your own limitations. 

   "Set your own limitations". That's the whole idea I was trying to get across! The game finally simplifies - I can be who I want to be and improve my sociability while setting restrictions of my own based on Islam, which people would likely respect. Could this be the solution that I was finding all along?

   My recent talk with Ben confirms it all. This paranoia could be just in my mind. He also agrees that I'm on the right track and that I should continue improving myself this way. A few days back, I was out with him and his cousin, Kevin, and Kira for a cafè hopping session. Ben was referring to this incident as a testament that I've changed a lot for the better in terms of both socialising and confidence. I've even got closer to Kira after that meet-up. I've began to manage myself well at parties too.

   This could be just the beginning of a new life.

4) Nicole

   Who is Nicole? A blast from my JC past which I didn't expect. It was kinda apt that my first test of confidence is a reminiscence of my past. She started chatting with me again through Twitter and soon we were texting each other. We met up briefly for lunch at NUS after I've sent in my applications and I was expecting it to end there. But no...

   










   I've met up with her again for lunch at her workplace in NUH. I was happy being around her. I continued chatting with her for quite a while and she seems happy with my presence too. And so it seems like a usual friendly meet-up. Yet, what was going on in my mind was much to the contrary. I was damn worried of complications. See, Nicole has Firdaus, her boyfriend for 3 months already and so it seems like I'm trying to get close to her from his angle (not that he know of it yet). That feeling was corroborated by Deepak from camp when I relate my meeting with her. Also, to claim me as your "best friend" after knowing me for a very short while seems too dubious to me. I've talked about that before.

   I felt a little bit regretful when I blurted out to her about my time in Changi and my crimes. I've even told her about my promise to my late great-grandmother. She was letting herself be a little vulnerable in front of me when she talked about her past suicidal mishaps and problems. I felt obliged and trusted her a little more to tell her about my past. Ben was telling me off badly when I met him in the evening. He was telling me that not everyone can be trusted and some people are out to pull you down and kill you. He was telling me to just give a smaller version of my past and not to be so gullible to trust anyone that quickly.

   But somehow I find it hard to hide my true self to her. We met up again over Manhattan  Fish Market for dinner. I can sense that she is getting more closer to me, but only as a friend. I realised that I've revealed more parts of myself to her than I've liked to. A few days later, she had a fight with Fir. She was delirious in the text messages she sent me and I've really got nothing to say other than to console her. Maybe what she needed was company as she was lonely; a friend to listen to her rants. And to be honest, I was over that phase.

   Ben was right. She does have relations with Jessie, who is close to Kiven and YY, who are subsequently close to their cliques that I just can't get along with. My past can be let out wide in the open for everyone to see. I could have just kept my past out of the picture altogether and kept my mouth shut. In a country that constantly judges you, this could hurt you in every way. I've yet to make sense of what Taufiq said about her, the tattoo on her back, and that mysterious past of hers. Can I really trust you Nicole? I guess I shouldn't have told you my past.  

   
   Or maybe I'm just overthinking. She could be trusted, or at least she was trying to get to know me. Ben was telling me about damage control - start telling her only what she needs to know and nothing else. She could be genuinely trying get closer to me. Maybe what she was saying was all true. Maybe she just needed someone to talk to. But, it wouldn't hurt to be safe. I've promised myself that I don't want to be hurt anymore.

   In the end, I took the advise from a very unlikely source - Sanchez. The very person that I was always skeptical about since NS, is the one who gave me a good advise to solve this problem. The idea? Leave her alone and don't talk too much to her.

   It's been a week since I've last spoken to her and I'm not intending to continue where we left off. And so there goes all those past WhatsApp messages and Snapchats to the trash. I guess getting close to a girl who belongs to someone else and who knows a tad too much about me is not a good idea.






P.S : Apparently I wasn't able to keep this post short enough so I'll just continue talking about it next time.

The Fray - Dead Wrong

If only I knew what I know

I'd make it a point to say so
To everyone that got me here
And everyone that made it

Clear I was dead wrong all along
You said it for my sake
That I would not lose my way
When I was astray

I'm doing the best that I could
Trying my best to be understood
Maybe I'm changing slowly
I'd get out turn around if only I

Knew I was dead wrong all along
You said it for my sake
That I would not lose my way
When I was dead wrong all along

Mine is not a new story
Mine is not a new story
Mine is nothing new but it is for me

So I was dead wrong all along
You said it for my sake
You thought I'd lost my way
When I was dead wrong all along

You said it for my sake
That I would not lose my way
Did I really lose my way
Or are you afraid?