This One's For Me

   The following posts are pieces that had come together during the Christmas and New Year season (and it had actually took me a month to post this due to err... business). This is mainly directed to myself once again; It's as a reminder of who I really am and for those days when I'm at lost and the decisions that has to be made... (Caution : Super long post ahead.)

A dilemma

   It's Christmas and I'm still here doing my thing. I've just finished a gaming session at Jeff's place so I thought why not I'd take this chance to do another blog post. Yes, the hurt and anger is still there, not as if I'd really gotten over it. These things takes time and I understand.

   Yet, what do I really want to focus on is self improvement. There's not point in ranting and wallowing in my sadness for too long without looking for a way out of all this. Yup, Christmas is a time to enjoy and chill with friends and family, but I want to make this time of the year another memorable one. I want to make a turnaround.

   So, what do I do now? I thought to myself - What makes me sad? What was the thing that's constantly bugging me and forcing me to not let go all these while? What was the first thing that comes to my head when I'm thinking of my problems?


   To truly let go and move forward once and for all, I must resolve the conflicts within me. And I may already have an idea as to why am I so unhappy. I'm still bothered by the idea that I'm going back to be someone that I was before. I was so afraid that the "me" of my past will come back and I would lose everything just like how I did before. I may have changed physically, but part of my mind was still a little stuck in the past, still afraid of opening up all over again. That was one of my biggest fears. I had swore to myself that I would never turn into that same person again. All the hurt, pain, sadness, disappointment and frustration was too much for me to bear and I became too determined to change everything all at once.

   So, does that answer all my question? It answers the fact as to why I can't stand being around some people. I was too afraid; I wasn't sure that people could accept me for who I am and felt as if people are still seeing the old and embarrassing me through my facade. Whenever I looked at the mirror, I see me, but my mind is constantly negating every good feature that I have. I'm only looking at all the bad things about myself. Why? It's like I feel that I don't deserve it. I don't deserve all the praises. I am too scared to take compliments, lest I become arrogant. I don't feel anything good about myself. Even if I really ended up dressing well or doing the right thing, I keep negating the fact like I am not deserving of such praises. And it's inevitable that I feel like a loser eventually. I can see why - I was too absorbed into people telling me that I'm fat, I don't look good, I don't dress well, I don't do this correctly or do that correctly blah, blah, blah. And I got too used to it. I f I want to counter this, I have to make even more effort to change the way I look to be more confident. And I have to constantly remind myself of that. That I am no longer the same person that I was before.

   It was truly a battle from within since the beginning. When I listened to music, I felt a surge of energy, as if I was capable of doing anything and I was destined to "save the world". And I would walk with confidence and felt as if I was one of the chosen few to stay alive and survive. Yet, it was inevitably battling against another part of my feelings. It felt as if even with all the power in the world, I can never have someone that would love me or be normal again. I am both proud and ashamed of myself at the same time. Irony, isn't it?

   I am 22. And I'm still a virgin to all of this - relationships, love, kisses, hugs, dates, sweet talking, everything. Though I may seem so good in advising others, thanks to all the movies and experiences from other relationships that had lasted or failed, I am clueless on how to do all of this. And this is my embarrassment. This is my fear. This is the part of me that I cannot get over. Like I said, even with all the God-given power and miracles I have achieved, I can never find someone who will be love me or even be interested in me. I may have changed bit. I am more capable of talking to women but to touch them, to hug them, whisper in their ears or to pick them up -  that was something that I was afraid to do. Like every guy, I'm still constantly haunted by my past rejections. Yet, who am I in the past could've scare any girl away if I ever confess to them. For me now, I should be well aware that I am a different person now in terms of looks and sociability. 

   I have this habit overthinking of what others would think of me. It may be beneficial at times when I need to plan for my future, but for other situations like talking to someone, I'm constantly thinking of what they're thinking of me. And fuelled by my trauma, I was so afraid of rejection. I couldn't take it anymore. I felt like any form of rejection is like telling me that I am not good enough; that others are so, so much better than me and I'm nothing as compared to them. It's as if they've got everything -  swag, looks, money, sociability, unrestricted social reputations and actions, race. And I have none of those.

   So who am I? I am certainly not a swagger. I don't wear a cap constantly around and had too many hipster friends and always going out to party and drink. I certainly ain't the best looking guy around. I am poor and broke - I'm feeding and funding my own family for a living, while trying to maintain my own life. I can't drink. I don't smoke. I don't do drugs. And most of all, I'm a freaking Malay, something many race actually despise and hated due to what my people are generally.

   With all these flaws in mind, I'm a self-timed bomb waiting to explode. Now that I've written all that I can think of about me, it's time to find a solution. The thing is, no matter what I do, there will always be insecurities that will be with me. That part I will learn to let go. So how do I let go? I have to find my strengths and be proud of it.

   So, like an interview question, what do I have which others most certainly don't have? What is something that I am so capable of, in which other can never be able to match? This is where is should list as much as I can :-

1) I have the ability to sense other people's feelings. I know whether they're sad, happy or hurt or faking or hiding something from me.
2) I can name any music after listening to a little of their tune to a very, very large extent.
3)  I don't give up very easily. I am capable of fighting and being creative about it. I am willing to do anything and everything to get what I want. I would only regret if I didn't tried enough.
4) I lost a lot of weight in a short span of time - 98.7 kg to 76.4 kg in 2 years.
5) I am an avid cafe hopper. I would try my best to find the best place to dine and give great ideas of where to eat.
6) I have a perspective view on photographs, making me a good photographer and someone full of imagination
7) I like tinkering, and I know the interlinks between the social circles even if I am not in it.
8) I am  humanities student by love, and science student if needed. I love to write essays and opinions and understanding the world, including loads of Geography. But I am also capable of doing math and some sciences to a very large extent.
9) Nobody, I mean nobody, is capable of running and bringing up a family with a budget at my age. I've done it by getting all sorts of fundings and keep them afloat totally before my mom finds a job a few months ago.I've recently been able to strike a conversation with new people if needed, and look positive while doing it. Yet, I can only do it with people I don't have history with or with girls that I'm not interested in.
10) I can do pull ups more that quite a number of people can do at my weight.
11) I am capable of giving loads of love advises, much to leading to couples patching up and people finding someone to love.
12) I am getting better and better at masking my feelings and not revealing my true feelings. I will be even positive around people up to a bigger extent.
13) I gotten a miracle thanks to Allah. Being 2008's runner-up in Singapore's N' levels was something that I didn't expect and hoped for.
14) I can cook, clean and surprise a girl unlike any guy could.
15) I have a relationship with a mother unlike anyone would have. Who would have thought I was capable of being like a friend to your own mother.
16) I am a Malay capable of the languages - being Malay in personalities and English in personalities at two different times
17) I am unlike any guy. I have a blog and a planner for my work and my future. I am capable of going to clubs and enjoy, but I've chosen not to. I could've drink and smoke, but I was so against it and chosen not to.
18) I am capable of walking at long stretches back home.
19) I can be good at sports too, like badminton and archery.
20) Finally, I've did the feat not many can ever do - retaking the A levels one more time and studying it in NS, only to do better in it.

   So, is that enough to perk up my confidence? It's for me to remind myself and decide.

A decision

   I don't know how to put this. This is very impromptu and very awkward on my part. Yet, I am running out of time and ideas, so desperate times called for desperate measures. Moreover, there is nothing more that I can lose.

   The idea of this post started when I was sitting outside of Civic Centre with my mom at 1 am. I was confused, delirious and certainly frustrated. The ranting about my life naturally occurs. Yet, what caught my eye was the glass entrance doors of the Civic Centre, leading towards the inside. I noticed that the one on the left was closed for the night, while the one on the right was opened. What was interesting is looking at the people who were trying to get into the mall. Some were initially walking to the wrong entrance, only find that it is closed. They later read the sign and walked to the right entrance. Some naturally walked in the right direction, while others took a while to know where to go.

   This had got me thinking. If I can relate this to my problems right now, it's like I'm that guy who is trying to get over to the other side but wouldn't accept the fact that I have to use the other entrance. Thus, I end up banging on the other door like a madman whereas the glass door would never budge. I was trying so hard to use this entrance whereas there was certainly another way in. Hence, the people who walked by would look at me, either in disdain or pity. When I get too tired, I would sit down and look at the sign again. It's like the answer is obviously there, directing me to the other entrance. What was peculiar though is the fact that I wasn't satisfied with the sign. I was still adamant that I could get through this entrance (even as I was typing this, I am still so sure that I could enter from that glass entrance).

   What was even more interesting was the fact that the entrance was made of glass. This means you can actually see on the other side! So what if this glass door, which I am so sure of breaking and so stubborn to get through, holds something bad which in fact I could see on the other side? Aren't I courting my own death? Silly, isn't it?

   I looked at my mom for answers, but she, too, seemed unsure. She told me that this was something that I have to figure out on my own, just like what everyone had told me these past few weeks. Yet, she did tell me to be patient and that was what her gut feelings had told her. But I'm still clueless. I want to stop the banging and ranting and crying. I am looking at the sign and telling myself - "What is stopping me from trying that entrance? Why am I so adamant that this entrance is the only way in?". The entrance, if it really holds my dreams on the other side, then what is stopping me from trying another way to get inside?

   Maybe I have been doing it all wrong since the beginning. Maybe I have been approaching the "Civic Centre" in the wrong direction since the beginning.I was so sure that I was going in the right direction that I failed to look at the glaring "entrance" on my right. I was still banging on the "glass door" whereas the "sign" is already there. I have seen it and read it. Yet, I was stubborn and now I am still outside, no closer to achieving my dreams. What should I do now is to try the other "entrance", regardless of how sure I am that this "entrance" is the only way in and how much that I have in me. Though, the question now is what does the "sign" means, and what is this "entrance"?

   With the new year only hours away, I am now looking for ways to the new "entrance". Maybe my goals were right, but my methodology was wrong all along. 

1) Should I leave the very hall 12, which I was so "stubborn" to stay for my own benefit? C'mon touch my heart! I know that I could still do my work even without staying in a hall. Moreover, I don't really know anyone from my own hall and given my current circumstances, maybe it's better if I stay and study at home instead. Furthermore, I did my second try of the A' levels while staying at home, didn't I?
2) My mom did mentioned about my sister. Let's face it, she failed her PSLE and it's my responsibility to bring her up (plus it would be unfair for me to do well in my own exams without her doing well in her own ones). And what am I doing about it? I was so "stubborn" to say that I was too busy to come by and teach her. I know that staying at home would solve this problem.
3) Yes I should work. But should I stick with the same two boys as I did before? Yes maybe I should. Yet, if I can find another lucrative tuition job nearer to home, I should do that instead.
4) When I was in school during my first semester, I trusted the wrong people. I hanged out with the wrong people. Simply put, do the right thing this time, regardless of which course I'll end up in the next semester. I should be more closer to my Archery and Board Games people, Jereld and probably some of the muslim guys that I know. As for my Econs GL people, I would proceed with caution since I've already applied for that before.
5) As for my course, I have 5 more days to decide and I should be more patient. I am not seeing the signs yet (or maybe I have already seen it but have no clue what it meant). My options still remains, but what I choose should be the "entrance" that I'm heading to. I should think about it more and decide as soon as possible.
6) With regards to my character, my mom did mentioned something interesting. I was so stubborn and not caring enough about other people's feelings that I've basically end up in the position I am in right now. It wasn't Jia Wei's fault, it wasn't Jereld's fault, it wasn't Yunxuan's fault. It was my fault. I should be more serious and positive about the person that I am now, not be jovial and joking my life away all the time. In addition, if there's nothing good to say out loud, then don't. People don't appreciate you saying certain things that they do not want anyone to know.
7) Looks wise, there's nothing much to say about it. Yea, I am in the right direction and I should continue finding ways to look and feel better. I should start back on all those Alpha M videos.
8) Love. What am I so "stubborn" about love? I wanted a girl who was Chinese, carefree and good looking. I was too embarrassed and too shunned away to look at other girls, "adamant" that a) I am stronger than that to control my sexual desires or, b) I am not capable nor fit to get that girl or, c) I want what I wanted and I don't want to compromise on the girl that I am going after. See what is wrong here? I am looking for the other "entrance" remember? Thus I should stop looking in this direction and look for girls who fit other requirements - her heart, the fact that she's a muslim and she would not trade me for anyone else. The looks doesn't matter here. Plus, I should stop looking for one if I can't find one. It's not my time yet. The time will come, I promise...