I've lost count how long it was since the last time I sat here and blog my stuff out. The previous post also was made out of spite and due to the fact that I was accumulating too many drafts in my inbox. And as usual, I had to look through my previous posts to know where did I last stop.
It's funny how things can change very quickly within a span of only 6 weeks. My last post was barely weeks before school reopened and now I am in the midst of my midterms and competitions. If only I could summarise the past few weeks into one sentence, I would but there's just too any things that had happened and I was never the best at summarising things.
1) One Last Time
I've always noticed her ever since the first time I saw her outside the old medical centre at South Spine. She's always studying alone and I was curious to know why. I slowly got to know her a little more whenever she comes by for archery training. I guess what Jun Yi said was true based on the taste I had for girls - Loud, funny, carefree and happy. Yet, what I saw in her was also the same quiet extroverted character that I had. Yes, she may be loud and noisy at times but when she's alone (or probably daydreaming away), I saw the mature side of her. All I can think about is that she's lonely inside and I do feel a little sad for her sometimes.
My chance (only chance so far, if I may add) to get close to her was only during the first day of the initiation camp. Through that, I found out that there are only a few people that actually know her well enough to be considered as true friends. She finds in hard to connect to the people in university on a deeper level due to the trust issues she had. She then goes on about how much she actually appreciate the arts and travelling. I must say from that moment, I must've fallen a little more for her.
Unfortunately, the next few days of the initiation camp (and the few trainings that came after) went by without much words exchanged between us. To be honest, it's really hard for me to keep a conversation going with her. And it is already that dire before we can even start texting each other. I was dishearten all too quickly.
There were many things that were running through my mind when I thought about her. And I'm still worried sick that this could be another infatuation of mine and that it would fade off someday. Yet, somehow my gut feeling tells me that this is someone that I should put a chase for, regardless the outcome. Then again, it's the outcome that's making me worried. She seems to be so much closer to every other guys EXCEPT me. And some of the guys were initially shipping her with another guy name Jian Hui (He's like the captain among our juniors and one of the best shots in the Novice category). Yeah, he's a nice guy but I was getting more and more down, knowing that another chance might just slip away just like that. I had to make a move.
In a spat of craziness, I told the guys who were shipping her initially - Yuan Zhao and Lewis, about my feelings for her. And I end in a chat group made specially to get me closer to her. YZ kept asking (and probably wondering) why must it be her and to be honest, I don't know why. They did try to create chances between me and her but I was quick to be dishearten due to how hard it is to connect with her. It's as if I was the only one doing the moves and she's just being "meh".
The idea of the roses sent to her doorstep was initially a half hearted idea thought out by me in the shower (Yea, you heard that right). I was super worried of the rejection, given the nasty experience I had in the past. I was initially going back and forth about the idea until last Friday before Valentine's day. I took the chance that she was at the range as I was going home to stop by her room, put up a rose and a note on her door and left.
The days that came by felt like a resurgence of hope. There were many people, whom I relate the actions that I took, told me that I've done something right for once when it comes to courtship. Yet, it's as if she knew and she didn't knew. And based on the "intelligence" that I've gathered, it seems like she had knew that I did it, but she just "can't be bothered" by it. Ben told me that this could mean an indirect rejection and I should just remain friends with her to avoid the awkwardness. Be that as it may, it would only mean that I failed, that I can only watch from the sidelines that she would only treat me as a friend and nothing else; any other moves would make it all the more awkward between us. Yet, I'm still determined to confirm that she knows at least, before I can accept my defeat.
2) Like The Moves Of The Chess Pieces
Meanwhile, I was trying to do some damage control on something which I had no clue of. I'm still clueless of the source and the reason behind all of this. And I hated the motions - the lines I had to draw, the moves I had to make, and the bad blood I have to sustain. All of these things are sometimes draining the energy out of me. I was so sure that I would have to end up being awkward with everyone in the clique after what Jia Wei had done (and given the situation that I don't have a clue as to what had happened). Deborah's birthday celebration seemed to have sealed my fate there and then. Yet, something else happened.
I slowly came to find out that part of the root of the problem was that the whole clique knew that I was interested in Yunxuan but didn't know how to react to it (well except Qing Hui of course). I knew that Jia Wei must've told someone and the news must have spread from there. Jun Yi then indirectly confirmed it and told me not to be too awkward about it. To be honest, I have to thank him for trying to make it less awkward between me and the whole clique. I'm finally back in talking terms with Cheryl and Deborah and less awkward with Yunxuan around (or at least I think so). Yet, I can still sense the bad blood from Jia Wei, as if there's something that she's not satisfied with me. And from the looks of it, it must've been something really big. After some of my anger died down a little, I jus feel sad for her. Why is it so hard for her to just confront me and tell me what's her problem? It seems like I'll never find out the answer to that.
3) Shifting In The Mind
It was my crazy idea to continue in this course after much deliberation (and after that time outside the Civic Centre). I would usually be counting the weeks and anticipating the "pressure" week that will start kicking in by week 4. But no. It's as if I've shifted my priorities elsewhere and I'm not exactly the same person as I was last semester. I'm not as enthusiastic as I was when I first stepped into NTU about studying. Yet, somehow I'm still surviving a few tests and barely able to scrape through some tutorials. Yea, half the time I would be kicking myself in the foot knowing that I should pick it up rather than letting all my work snowball to the following week. Like now for instance, when I have a double test for Economics next week and I don't even have a clue as to how am I going to get through its tutorials. And I'm still chilling here and blogging away.
When I spoke to Ben about this, he was saying that I've grown to realise that there's more to life than just GPA and studies. My time spent at archery, tuition, and board games can attest to that. He was telling me that it was a good thing but I'm still doubtful. Now that I've went through the other "entrance" just like what my mum told me to do, is it really going to be worth it?
4) The Competition That Ensues
I've began to spend more time shooting at the range instead and bonded closer to the archery people. Somehow what've I planned during the semester break seemed to be working and I've found some place for me to let off steam and to spent my time. Interesting enough, my increasing time spent at the range both on and off training earned me a spot in my first archery competition - SP Open. To sum it all up, it had went well and it was a good experience knowing how such competitions worked and the stress to perform under pressure (and under strong winds if I may add). I did managed to get into the top 10 but it wasn't enough to see me through to the next round.
Nonetheless I came by to support the guys the following day during their IKO matches. Along the way, I did try to chat with Sarah and give her some moral support, only to be a little ignored away just like the wind. Anyhow, the team did well with NTU bagging most of the medals and looking like a formidable threat going into next month's IAC. This includes me, looking for that opportunity to get into the good rankings for IAC and hopefully have a chance at IKO myself. Meanwhile, I'll have to get ready for a friendly with RJC at the end of February.
5) Lalapalooza
My schooling clique may have been a little cold towards me, and I ended up being a little awkward and not myself around them. But I was always relieved whenever I come by to meet the board games people. Yea, they may have their own politics but they seemed to be united somehow. The problems I faced with my clique, my dilemma with Sarah, the workload that I'm facing, most of them were shared with these guys. I've grown to trust these guys a little more. In fact, at least 3 people already knew that I had went to prison before.
Recently there had been news within the club - from the shocking pairing between Zhen Hui and Guan Yu, the "rise" of Wang Ni and her stupid antics causing a whole lot of troubles within the club, and Marco and Celeste coming back from their exchange programmes. Somehow I felt the need to be updated about the things that are happening within the club as these are the few people that I can get along with really well.
I've already knew since the beginning that Zhen Hui was eyeing someone in the club but it took a while before I guessed it was Guanyu. To be honest, I was never a fan of their relationship at first due to various reasons I can't be bothered to explain here. She's an alpha-female while he was everything OTHER than a proper boyfriend. Yet, after a long chat with Jeff in his car, I finally understood and was supportive of their relationship. Both of them are evergreen (which means that they had never been in a relationship) and it would be a good experience to say the least for them to get together. I mean, who am I to judge? People need to learn from experiences to change, don't they?
The name "Wang Ni" slowly crept up ever since the preparation for Lala began a few months ago. In short, she had caused a whole lot of hell for the club and inflicted truckloads of pressure to everybody, especially Angie and Mike. I, for one, ain't happy about it but there's nothing much I can do given the fact that I let go of my main committee post for this year. All I know is that this woman is a manipulative, oversensitive and irrational bitch and my team had to suck it up as she threatens to burn our event to flames. There were many instances where we wanted her to quit and usurp he authority, yet we were well aware that the event could fail without her contacts. Now, as the event creep closer, I can sense that something major will happen again, throwing everything off balance. We seriously need a back-up plan in place before it's too late.
The return of Celeste came hand in hand with the issues that I was facing, along with the sudden get-together of Zhen Hui and Guanyu. Celeste was adamant that I was doing the right thing all along and I, as usual, was still doubtful of myself. It's just simply because I've never seen it being successful before and the fact that Jeff, of all people, telling me that it will never work. Jeff had way too many experiences with relationships and I have no doubt that my issue is a piece of cake for him. And as for Angie, she's still trying to pair me up every of her friends that she knew, like it's going to solve any of my problems. Yes, I do appreciate her effort but there's so much that both me and her can do when it comes to my situation. Somehow I feel that whatever it is, it will somehow come down to me and my decisions. It's just about the reassurance that I needed from them that hurts.
All in all, this was only the first 7 weeks of the second semester and the game is changing. There's still bad blood between the group but somehow it's not too apparent. Sarah's case is still an enigma to me while the problems I'm facing both academically and in the competitions remains to be solved in due time. Probably the next time I'm gonna update this spot would be during the recess week so just wait for it. ;)
