This is my biggest irony. I don't know why, but I ended up blogging in a hotel room with two guys whom I barely know just 2 hours ago, who turns out to be Cheryl's cousin and his friend Alex, Junyi has gone out with her to get I don't know what from the convenience store and I'm just sitting here with my headphones on beside her grandmother who is fast asleep. I'm down with a flu by the way so the things that I'm going to say here may be due to the haziness of my medication.
I'm going down to the barest of my feelings here. I can't find happiness, regardless how much I tried. I was adamant, too obsessed to changing myself and being proud of it that I was basing my esteem on the people who barely knows me. Thus, my feelings get fluctuated, just as much as how fluctuated people perceive me to be. Yes, I am an introvert but I'm also an extrovert. I can be all happy for once and may need to fall back and recharge sometimes. There are some things which I do not want to say and there were some things which I will never criticise people about. I am responsible, capable of reading between the lines, understanding what's going on if given due hints. And yet, even with all the things that I could do, I can't solve the issues that is myself.
That's why I was still trying so hard to fit in. Too hard that some may have noticed it. I was basing my version of happiness as to being on good terms with everybody; to be on everyone's good book. I was faking it and I knew it all along. There were days in which I can handle it and deceive myself into believing that everything is going as planned. And there are days which I just can't take it and just want to be alone, like forever. And it's just me and I just simply can't change all of these overnight. That constant fear, that continuous worry going "maybe Junyi wasn't too happy about me revealing his "Valedictorian" secret" or "maybe I shouldn't acted as if I knew all about Joey and listen more to what they said instead" or "maybe I shouldn't act all too quiet to avoid all the awkwardness" or even " What could Junyi and Cheryl be doing right now?" I should really stop overthinking like this and focus more onto myself and getting myself better. But it was never as simple as that to me.
I've never would imagined that overthinking would be my biggest obstacle and hurdle. But when I come to think of it, I have to admit that it's true. I tend to overthink, judge, perceive and eventually care about what others think of me. I would justify that as having the ability to read people's feelings and body language but I never really knew the limits of it. I should have known that sometimes I'm crossing the line from being myself, to being the mask that I was donning all these while. For now, I'm tired. I'm just tired. I wished Allah knows how I feel. I knows that He knows how I feel. But what am I suppose to do? It felt like a preordained event in which I had to go through to understand more about this life. And yet I have to say this - There's still more to learn about life and things that I haven't encountered. However, how can I do this without first resolving the conflict in me?
I want to be truly happy, to make myself genuinely happy regardless of who I am around with. But it gets hard when you're obsessed about your mistakes and fervently trying to make everyone happy till you lose sight of yourself. I know that overthinking, and letting go of things are things that can never be learnt nor solved overnight. But if I ever want to find happiness and acceptance of myself, this is the place to start. ~~
Epilogue :-
On the day I left the hotel, I can sense the belonging both Cheryl and Junyi is trying to give me. And I appreciate that, really. Because now, I'm still trying to take out my mask for a moment, in the hope that somehow they will just be okay with me being myself. It's the best I could do.
