It's 1 a.m, and I suddenly have the urge to blog again. This might be a super short post, given how tired I am right now. But I felt the need to express my feelings a little right now.
So what's worrying me now? It has always been about what's bothering me, so there must be something's that was on my mind and I only choose to face it right now. And yes it's true. It's just an insecurity I presume.
It was after the orientations that I sank back to reality. That's where I realised that things will never be the same for me again. It's not going to be any better than what it is before. Initially, I had a clique to rely on and not to feel lonely during lectures or tutorials. Now? Eventually most of my lectures and tutorials became different from their time-slots. And I find it hard to assimilate myself all over again. I mean, who should I even follow? Syafiq and his group of OG's, though I don't know them well? Shamir, Mei Yee, Steph and Liang Wei, the old Ares clique, whereas I don't even know nuts about them? Or Jun Yi and Jereld, whereas they seemed reluctant to even tell me the modules they've taken? Lyndon and Jia Wei? Omg let's not even go there...
The fact that I was so worried goes to show how insecure I feel and the lack of confidence that I was facing since the day I stepped into uni. No, this goes beyond the module takings. I mean, I can be all YOLO if I want and take the modules that I really like, but what if I was all alone on this? It'll be like Scientific Communications. I'll ace it, yes, but I'll feel lonely and left out. To me, it's a trade off between grades and social needs.
It's the constant worry that I'm now a lone wolf, that has been eating up inside of me all along. I don't really feel a sense of belonging to any club or clique. Not even my archery club (well, maybe only on the birthday committee part), or the board games people (in light of recent events, and how's Angie been towards me). Maybe that's what the seniors who've advised me meant when they said it. At the end of the day, it's not your OG that'll last, it's the CCA people that you'll bond with the most. Even course mates won't last.
Then, why am I insecure? Probably because of tomorrow. There is this Freshman Welcome Orientation and I will be in charge with Mei Yee and Steph and I don't know who else is going to pop by. To be honest, what if I ended up being an awkward potato all by myself, all because I am not truly bonded with anyone anyway? The freshies will be there, but that doesn't mean anything (or does it?). Either way, my objective is to plainly survive tomorrow without acting awkward or going out of line.
This is by no means the same as an orientation camp. Plain and simple, I need to start getting my shit together and choose my own path (or modules or friends or acquaintances). There's that fear of not being accepted, but I have to be fearless anyway and expand my social circle. I've to remember this.
