A Subtle Rebellion

   This comes at the perfect time to blog, given that I've finally reached the halfway mark of the semester. And although recess week is better known as another study week to all undergraduates, I felt the need to just find some time to chill out and take a step back from the heightened pressure from school. But it seems just impossible.



   The last time I wrote a post is about me "headlining" the Freshmen Welcome Ceremony. And boy oh boy, too many things have happened within these past 6 weeks. And once again, I'm overwhelmed by the fact that I don't know where to start.

#1 ; Disclosure

   I still have no clue where to begin, but soon I recalled one of the most recent event that hits me the most hardest, so much so that I think I shall speak about it first.

   Throughout last year and a part of this semester, I was so sure that I was fighting for the right cause; I was having this stubbornness in me directed at the right place. I was so sure of many things, and inevitably that thought that I was at fault whenever things never go my way was, well, dissipating. So you can imagine, all these feud with Jia Wei (or anybody for that matter), these misplaced anger towards my mom and my sister, the strong hatred for the "Malay" stigma and the delusion that my falling grades was from my overarching schedule, I've never really blamed myself for it. Yes, I can sense it, that I'm slowly turning more and more into somebody else. And I suppose this was not the first time that I've spoken about this.

   Even if I had to blame myself for something, I would have simply dissed it off as misplaced words on my part, or just that I tend to judge others so much so that it shows by how I reacted around them. I've never thought that it was any more than that. I mean, yes, I should be improving myself. I was already accepting myself that I was imperfect. But what my mom said in the wee hours of the morning, shook me hard off this delusion.

   She was asking me, more like taunting me perhaps, whether I really wanted to know what was so wrong about me. What was the answer to this bugging question that I keep asking Allah s.w.t; the coldness of people when they're around me and the answer that ironically, Jereld answered to me with perfection?

   She said I was insincere. I was a hypocrite. I was putting on a show in front of everyone, all because I did not want to be assimilated with this "Malay" stigma and that I was obsessed with playing this "Game" - that nobody can be trusted in any way and the way I am in school should be a facade. I was so bent in showing that I can be open just like everybody else. I only came to Him ONLY when I needed him - from all those tests and exams that I've thought that I can't see through, archery competitions that I wanted His help to do well in and praying for a better day, only to push Him aside when I've gotten what I want.

   Jereld once told me, in anger (and through a super long text message), about how can I be so selfish and arrogant. I was thinking that the world revolves around me and me alone and that I keep bragging, knowing or unknowingly, about how I was aiming for the stars and capable of so many things. I had, without a doubt, thought that my success was attributed to me and myself alone.

   I am afraid right now, even if I'm not showing it. Because I know where I'll end up eventually and its consequences. As I keep typing to this post, I was afraid that I would soon forget about this, only to know that it's too late to fix it. I want to do something about it, honestly, but I am scared. Scared of letting go. And that's how confused I am right now.

   My mom told me that the solution to the madness, before I turn mad myself, is to go back to Him. To keep my 5 prayers in check, and to remember Him at every step of the way if possible. The Friday sermon just recently seems to come to mind, perhaps hinting at me that I should've known Him better rather that just creating assumptions in my mind. I am still worried right now, and I am hoping that I could turn back before it's too late.

   Allah intends for you ease and He does not want to make things difficult for you.

(Al-Baqarah: 185)

#2 : Overconfidence

   I wasn't sure when was the next competition was coming after the NUS Indoors Championship. I was still on cloud nine after that sensational win with Erwin and Frank as my teammates. It was during August that Jordan, the captain, revealed that the next competition could very well be the Singapore Archery Open. I was suppose to be doing better this time round at 30 m, but this is a perfect example of what I've talked about earlier.



   I have to admit that I don't have enough time and commitment to train up for the competition. But what was apparent was the fact that I was only searching for Him only a day before the competition began. Otherwise, I was constantly neglecting Him and busied myself with the tons of school work that'll never end. I was also overconfident, still high after that win, and thinking that the victory was from my consistent shooting and hard effort alone. I am stupid, I know.

   It was a mixture of emotions for me back then, from a hint of excitement before the competition, to a shitty feeling during the first round, regaining that fighting spirit on my second round, another state of down while waiting for the results, to a spur of determination to fight on even harder with my team towards the Bronze medal in the afternoon, and IKOs the day after. Throughout this whole competition, I keep getting this feeling that I could've achieved so much more had I've done something, but I have no clue what that was. And it took my mom's words to connect the dots. Yes, I can see how arrogant I was back then, and how I should've been instead. Yes, confidence is a must but that was not confidence.

   I wanted to say that I'm lucky, but it's more right to say that Allah s.w.t may have given me a heads up of how far I've made a fool out of myself. I could've gotten knocked out of the top 16 easily and not make the cut for the team events. And even if I did, I could've walked away empty handed anyway. Yes, my prayers is answered, but should I be happy? Should I really give myself a pat on the back? Or should I be ashamed of myself?

#3 : Realignment

   ...And then someone told me, "you can't wake up, this isn't a dream".

   In the midst of this identity crises, there was school. And there was a decision that I had to make. I could've gone with my head and followed Jereld's timetable at every step of the way so that I don't feel alone. But I chose to be a little more radical and took only the modules that I've wanted. Although I wasn't very lucky initially after missing out on the pre-registration for my Economics modules, thanks to Him I've gotten the modules that I've appealed for in the end. And safe to say now that I am pleased with my timetable as a whole.

   What was not so pleasing was the anger that I've to drag along with me from last year. I was shocked that I've ended up with Jia Wei for not only 1, but 3 classes. It became worse when I was grouped up with her for International Monetary Economics and things keep getting heated up, and I had to face her again in the committee for next year's freshmen orientation camp.

   It was apparent that she hates me to the core of this Earth, but I still have no clue why. It was like I have murdered someone and she found out about it. I was initially angry at first, and I guess many would have known my problem with her. I tried to be neutral about it, and somehow tried to made peace with her but it seems as if her hatred was deep-seated. Yes, there were speculations about why is this so, but after a while it seems like it doesn't matter anymore. In my mind, it seems futile for me to go on and try to make things right with her. Anyway, work was piling up and I was too busy to do anything about it. 

   But somehow in my mind I knew, sooner or later I'll have to confront her and there's no running for both of us. Because it is likely that I'll be seeing her every now and then for the next few years until I graduate. And meanwhile while I'm still trying to mend my ways, why should we keep on getting angry, throwing faces and dissing each other off at every chance we see each other? What could be so bad and vile that she can't find it in her to let it go? I just hope that when the day comes, whenever it is, I'll be mature enough to forgive her, and see the flaws that she may point out in me. Anyway, if I really want to start changing myself, I should start thinking good of people instead. There's always more to the story, though we always turn a blind eye to.

   Well somehow that wraps up the first half of the semester. There is more, of course, but I don't think I want to lengthen this post any further. Anyway, those redundant stuff like quiz results and chatter amongst friends seems insignificant compared to what am I facing right now. I'm just pinning a hope that somehow things will get better soon; I will better soon from this "illness". Insyallah...