Inner Demon

   It's 1.35 am. I cannot believe how hard it was for me to come up with something each time I got a chance to open up. Then again, this could be the final time that I can blog before my Finals. I slowly looked back at the past months. To be honest, I was a little hurt by the way the people, whom were once close to me, are capable of treating me right now. No, I promised not to be melodramatic about it, but if it's affecting me that much before then I should try putting a close to it again, given that Finals is just around the corner. All I needed was to sort my mind out.

   At first, I was all hopes and prayers that my birthday would be the chance for me to right the wrongs that I may have inadvertently done last year. Both the good and bad memories were clear as daylight in my mind, and I knew that I was one to find it hard to let go. Caring about what others may think of me had always been my weakness and a hindrance to my progression.

  What I got instead from Him was a way out; a chance to rewrite how I want to live my university life all over again. I took a leap of faith when I began drawing a line between myself and my usual group of friends, including Junyi, Cheryl, Lyndon and Deborah. It started from deciding not to match modules with them this semester, then we hang out lesser and lesser. Meanwhile, I skipped even more lectures due to atrocious teaching skills by "some" lecturers and I began to see them even less often. As the tension between me and OJW (henceforth her nickname) grew, I begin to sense that she didn't want me in the clique just as much as I didn't want be involved too much with them anymore. Whether or not she had badmouthed about me was not for me to assume nor say, yet I was already on the outs and Jereld was my only friend back then.

   It started off with my usual routine of going for Friday prayers in school that I got to know Samir and Syafiq better, and then we bonded. I was already looking and preparing to be all alone this semester. But then, when He takes something away from you, He'll replace it with something better. I began to open up to their friends and getting to know more of them. And soon I was also able to link them to the friends that I already have. It's funny how 8 weeks ago, I was going everywhere solo - eating on my own, preparing for that morning Stats lecture alone, studying and clearing my tutorials everywhere else except SPMS where they will usually be at. It became significantly harder for me to remain composed, when I was trying to make connections with everyone else other than them in my Computing projects, as well as the existence of OJW in my IME term project. Now, essentially things had just simplified with Samir, Syafiq, Afiqah and the rest around me. I don't feel the need to tell them where I'm at, nor the need to be on my guard all the time around them.

   To be honest, I would have never thought the relations that I've made during EFOC, as well as the mistakes that I've done at that point in time, could have impacted my life thus far. It was that fear; the feeling of lost when I had to breakaway from the people who were once there for me to find myself all over again. As I took such a leap of faith, I would never expect such an outcome.

   Now, what about finals? Yes, ever since last semester, studies were becoming lesser of a priority as compared to other stuff like networking and gaining new experiences. Yet, it is imperative for me to maintain a certain standards in my GPA. I am trying to set a reasonable goal for this, but to be honest it may be still be hard to achieve. 

   It seems apt then that this post is called the "Inner Demon". It was the term that got stuck in my head after my recent conversation with Samir. I was suppose to give him advises about handling a situation, and he suddenly dropped this term onto me. He mentioned that I still have an inner demon that I was constantly fighting against. I didn't said he was wrong in any way, rather I was shocked that he would say that. It was true perhaps.

   Now that I have indirectly answered the questions that I had asking all this while. I should be able to get some shut eye now. Insyallah things will get better; it always does. :)