The Spark

   We'll been facing problems throughout our lives, no matter how far we run or how we face it. Some may choose to face it head on rashly, like taking a bull by it's horns, and most of the time ending up in undesirable results and consequences (though some may be lucky to solve the problem still). And then there are others who have a well crafted idea or a systematic plan of attack to solve the problem, or at least circumvent the issue at hand. But most of us (well, at least me) tend to run away and escape from the problem. Whether you take up sports like running or swimming, or you take up dangerous habits like smoking, drugs or alcohol, you're just basically trying to run away from the problems you're facing. At the end of the day, you can only run so far until the problem becomes bigger and eat you up to the point of no return. However, all is not necessarily lost sometimes. All it takes is a spark, a wake-up call, for you and the others to get back to their senses and solve the problem, whether they like it or not.


   It's so obvious that I'm having a huge problem when I'm the only one working and paying the bills at home, while mom's been "too busy" on Facebook all the time (probably she just had enough of working in the past, trying to solve her own problems, and was too tired to face it again), and Dad's been MIA for 2 months. So it all comes down to me to make my family survive, with my meagre pay or to lend, borrow or even steal. Moreover, the house was in a mess so it makes it more stressful being in there that I would rather go out. Sometimes it's just hard to understand desperation until you really face it yourself. So hinging on my pay, and my desperation to survive, I took the stealing idea practically and got away quite a number of times with a good cash in hand after the goods are sold. But everyone, including me knows that this would not last. Although this spree was in fact a defence mechanism rather than for pleasure, like I said, it would not last very long. But my mom could not see the idea behind this, that the fact that I'm trying to tide the family until she finds a proper job altogether. I'd really do not want to go on about how I wished for a better life, a life similar to the peers around me like Harith and Arif as I've already accepted my fate. All I just wanted is for her to realise that. And it takes a spark..
   
   On 20 May, at 8pm, I was caught stealing at Causeway Point at the nearby Courts after work (nope, I'm not wearing my uniform at that time..). It was not that I wanted to get caught (that's crazy!), but I'd already knew that this could happen. They were not happy and was not willing to give me a chance so they called the police. To cut a long story short, I was arrested, cuffed and spend a night in lock-up without my parents knowing about it. Throughout my time in lock down, the food there was, well, as expected. I shared the same cell with another Muslim Bangladeshi worker and a Chinese Along runner (nope, not my workplace version of runner..). Sleeping on the floor was still quite okay and the fact that the toilet's in the cell itself makes me relieved instead of choking on my food. However, many things are running through my mind. How will my mom find out about this? Who will be able to bail me? When will I get to see the IO (Investigating Officer)? What will happen after this? Breakdowns occurred. I couldn't stop crying, thinking, wishing for a better life. It was my idea to give my family a better life, but I'm just a 20 year old guy. I've failed to succeed in my studies, failed in playing the social game and even failed in relationships. How could someone like me succeed against all odds to bring a better life for my family and be better myself? It's just something I couldn't fathom, let alone reach. Most of my time spent in there was on prayers, still believing that somehow, somewhere, He has goodness planned for me and my family after all this have ended..


   21 May, 3 pm. I'm still in my lock-up waiting for the OI to speak to me before I'm able to post bail. I've already given up on getting my job back, especially after not being able to work as I'm still stuck here and the fact that I'm caught at the same mall that I worked in (not to mention the guards who actually recognised me..). I've already taken it that the news must have spread around at work and there's no point in defence. When the OI met me shortly later, I told him my side of the story and fortunately he was a very nice guy. He was willing to understand my predicaments and would try to appeal for a warning instead of jail time and a fine. Later, I called my auntie to post the bail and waited for my uncle to come instead. It took longer than expected, so I did my prayers while waiting for him. Suddenly, my cell mate wanted to join in congregated prayers. After the prayers, I saw him weeping. It made me realise how much prayers could affect someone's soul and even changes them. I can see in his eyes and feel the pain he's suffering. That's when I feel that this incident was meant to be, for me to realise my mistakes and how much I've changed to the worse until now. At 7.30 pm, after a brief dinner in the cell, my uncle posted bail and send me home. I called up the office to get the news that I'm fired, as expected. The following morning saw me giving back my uniform without a word uttered about my reasons to suddenly quit from the job. For all they knew, it could be from other reasons. Only Diviyanth, a friend of mine at work, knew what happened.


   Ever since that day, things changed in the house (well, kinda..). I took more effort to get down to CDC to ask for financial help and try to solve my mom's working issues and my house rent. I've made my family to do a spring cleaning of the house before I enlist and I've tried to find dad, fortunately enough to find him. With the effort that I've tried to set the ball in motion, hopefully that goal of making my family self-sufficient again would be reached. But somehow, there's still the worry inside of me that it would not work. Now I can only pray hard that mom would come to her senses quickly. Only time will tell and only He can decide. But the spark is what we need, and it is what we got. <3

The enemy within

   It has never been easy to accept your mistakes as it translates to weakness in your part. But somehow you soon have to realise that you are your biggest enemy and that no one can hide away from the enemy within. Just like what Muhammad S.A.W said... The strongest of men are the ones who could fight the nafsu within. The "nafsu", or as I would aptly call it the devil inside you, is somewhat of an invisible enemy. No amount of jabs and kicks could win it, and all you have is the tenacity of your heart to find the good inside to defeat it. And this "thing" inside of you encompasses a whole lot more than what you think.

   One of it could be unmistakeably be love. The aspect of it could vary from jealousy, denial and sometimes hatred. That was what I felt when "YY" dropped by the cinema with her girlfriends to watch 21 Jump Street. When I first saw her again, it felt like a cruel joke to me, thinking that she would appear here whereas she lived in the West. But when I met her again, it felt like all the emotions came crashing down on me and I'd reacted like an idiot in front of her (what's new??). Initially, I felt like the rekindling of past feelings of mine, of love and care, that I continuously watched over her during work as she watched the movie. Soon thereafter, it felt like I'm stalking her and that I'm the one that haven't moved on and not her. I moved on to watching The Raid - Redemption (which coincidentally was a really awesome movie!!)  for a while to cool myself off. The hatred then come, wishing that I could take revenge for that rejection she gave me and the fact that I should be the one she's going out with. There's a teardrop about to trickle down from my eyes when I realised that it's futile to brood over such past. It's a mistake I should never create again. I should never trust love again.

   Another could be the unintentional arrogance and denials. After being late for a series of times (my bad..), the triple managers - Saha, Zee and Marichu had a discussion with me after my break. At first, it was all about my lateness and how am I going to handle it. After giving my word that I would never be late that frequent again, Zee pulls out another blow onto my face. Apparently somebody ratted out about me snacking food too frequently from the kitchen. Although its a silent consensus among the workers there (Seriously, just like the argument of masturbation..), somebody felt that I should take the fall for it. Just when you think that it could not get any "better", Marichu blew open about staffs complaining that I'm not a good worker and that I should be fired instead. That comment pushed me off the edge as I'd immediately sent out a flurry of defence on my part, to show to them that I'm not pushover. But words said can never be undone, and I've lost the battle there. I'm now on probation until Wednesday. 

   I was not angry at anyone (actually there's some anger with some) but myself. It was that arrogance and denial, the same one that killed my dreams during the Big One and 2 years ago, that caused me to think that I'm superior over these under-educated people and the fantasy that I've known how to play the "game" all too well. I've been too obsessed into such thinking that I've let them get into my head. It was never a coincidence when what the 3 managers said and what my mom reiterated turned out to be the same. It was that stupid arrogance and that denials that caused my failure 6 years ago, 2 years ago, my diminishing attitude towards everyone and now, possibly my job. It just ascertains this when all I could think initially was how to get back at them. If I never get my act back together in time, I might obliterate myself altogether.

   Those above were not the only things that "nafsu" entails, but it is sure as hell was my weakness from the beginning. It turns out to be the root of every problem I'm currently facing. However, you yourself are not the only enemy within, for there are other people waiting and hoping for you to breakdown. It's just life and there will always be people like that. Because when I heard Zul and Ryan talking about my good relations with Ruzia and Jasmine, Seri about the lost temperature gun, Aziz (not me, another guy..) saying about me being late and in the black book of the managers and Diviyanth overhearing a racist comment about himself from the managers, I'd already knew that I have enemies within and I have a rough idea who they are...

"Mine"set

   Sometimes it's not as easy as usually perceived to distinguish between right and wrong. There is that fine line between doing something that is dubiously right and doing something that is obviously right. There are times where you have to accept that what you thought and perceived to be right, may not be right afterall. And no matter how hard you try to find the right move in this game of life, sometimes the right thing to do is to leave it to Him to decide. But the question is how are you going to leave it to him to decide without making the decisions in the first place?


   My recent dress down by Farah, one of the managers, slaps me back me into reality. Although it was totally my fault, coming late too frequently and all, but it was her word that caught me. She was reprimanding me of the numerous times that I've said sorry but didn't meant it. Does this means that your sorry are not valuable and had no meaning, that you kept saying that just to get out of trouble? What if you got the job that you want, that determines your rice bowl, and you treat it like you're the priority and not the job? You won't last even a while in that job!  That reminded me of the possible job that I've wanted all along, that dream job at USGS and how I might lose it all if I go on having such an attitude. No, it was never only about punctuality. It's about my attitude as a whole. All this while, I thought I was doing good all over the place that I felt so righteous. Such a feeling soon developed into arrogance and jealousy, thinking that I'm superior than many other teens my age and perceiving the bad of those who have done well in life (like Aisyah and Sumi during the Big One results, or Zulfiqar's clean streak of not getting reprimanded). That thinking constantly bugged me, convincing me that they have done so much wrong as compared to me and that they don't deserve such honours. I deserved all of it, fighting against His will with my actions.


   This realisation had appeared to me too many times, from my mom telling me off about my deteriorating attitude, from the Woodlands CC where I could've gotten a scholarship just like before, from Mr Zee telling me that my decision to retake the A's is just an act of jealousy on my part. And then I remembered my prime days. It was never about how successful I am in the past, rather it was more of my attitude during those years. I was never arrogant about my successes, was more helpful and humble to Him and my mom who have helped me all along. In a glance, looking at myself before and now, I've changed alot, being worse off instead. Maybe all this while, all I need is to find my way back to Him, to never desert Him whenever the smell of success is near and to never play Him out like He is disposable. Once again, until I can fix my attitude back into place, there is no point in thinking that success is something that is reachable. Even if I do get success someday, it would be tainted, a success that I wanted and not what He wanted. I would be walking on a tightrope until I eventually fall.. <3

PS : - Did I mentioned about finally getting my 1st university acceptance letter? Okay, I forgot.. -.- It was from NTU, saying that I've got a place in the Faculty of Science in the Physics/Applied Physics course.. XD I was jumping for joy like a mad man when I got it. I'm now one step closer to clinching that course, opened in 2013, Earth sciences and Engineering. All I need now is a transfer approval, Insyallah. Here's the letter, and may the odds be ever in your (and my) favour..