Updating the past

   This was actually a handwritten blog that I've made during my trainee days. Never did I realised that I've not updated my blog for a month. And it seems that I just could not find any time to sit down and type out a post comfortably (talk about getting the blog mouldy). But, after my training and getting accustomed to station life in Yishun, I've finally had some time to do this :-

   It took me a long time to find a space within these really tight schedule to update my blog again. Somehow too much had happened and so many lives had changed during this short span of time. From POP, the beginning of my trial, my unexpected posting to SRC and the roller coaster of emotions that reverberated around the people who knows me. And here I am now, still alive and blogging live from CDA, where pain and tiredness was the staple everyday.

  I'd still remembered those days leading to the POP. Regardless of how hard it was to endure PT, all those footdrills and a restrictive environment, we succeeded and we laughed our way to POP night. And when it came, it was not less of a memorable night. Crazy footdrills, "Tekan" sessions for fun, water parade (or water playing to be exact), and a lights out without any last movement for the whole night. The next day came and gone with a POP parade and a half day to book out. As I looked at dorm 21 for the final time and left a note for the next intake, I knew very well that I'm gonna miss these times when I post out on that Monday. And yes, I do until now.

   Unfortunately, during the time I was still serving a recruit live,  I was informed of the outcome of my police case. As predicted, they were planning to proceed with the charges and bring me forward to court. I remembered clearly those words coming out of my OC's mouth, and me breaking down again at the stairs thereafter. The first mention came the following week, 1 week before POP. With a heavy heart and a troubled mind, I took my off pass (which would inevitably led to me getting guard duty later that week) and made my way to AMK police station. Over there, I was made aware of the charges that I'm facing and my next court hearing. The sight of the lockup was unbearable as I remembered those times I suffered in there. Worse still, I had to enter it again for a blood and fingerprint sample. Back outside, with charge papers in one hand and a court mention on another, I hold that urge to break down in front my mom. But God knows how hurt I was at that moment. I wasn't only sad, I was really mad at myself.

   The court mention came the day after at 10 am, with a possibility me a sentencing later that day. I could not explain really how it felt going to the stands as a criminal. I couldn't be any more terrified of the outcome of the trial. When the moment came for me to answer to the charges, I was ready to plead guilty and accept the consequences that is coming. That was until by God's grace, my father had an option of hiring a lawyer, who was a close friend me my family. Although it was most likely that I'll be put under probation due to my circumstances, I followed my instinct and plead for a lawyer to represent me. And thank God, my instincts were right. Had I go on with the sentencing, it could have been worse. It could be something that I've never imagined happening to me - Jail time.

   Facing this dilemma could not be any tougher with my f***ed up vocation that I was assigned to, once again thanks to my bloody OC, the SRC - Special Rescue Company. Yeah, it sounded so cool, sophisticated and all, but it was meant for people with a lower educational qualification and people with a lack of discipline. It's as if my life could not be any tougher. I've to spend 4 weeks more of hell at CDA as a special rescuer and post out to possibly get purged around for the rest of my 2 years in NS. And how does a guy who passed the interviews for non-frontline postings like medics course, failed miserably in his IPPT and have an A' levels qualification in his belt, could end up in a "shithole" like this? Only God knows, only Allah knows why.. Here in SRC (or SRP, SRB or whatever you want to call it), it was never about being "kilat" or standing out from the crowd. It's totally different from the days spent at NSTI. I thought by laying low and trying to be straight with the rules in CDA, I could survive this 4 weeks unharmed I was wrong. Here I am with a lot of people who were rowdy, doesn't follow instructions all the time and uncontrollable at times. It hurts to say this, but it really sucks being here with such people, constantly bugging me and pushing my patience to the edge. And with a tougher training like this, the thought of just going OOC was constantly on my mind, even until now. Nevertheless, it would be unfair to claim that everyone "thrown" into SRC having the characteristics said above. There was my bunkmate, Si Hao, who was a diploma holder that suffered the same fate as me. And then there was Rahman who was okay with me. It was partly because of such people that kept my fight going. Somehow, I was adamant to complete the course with them, going through it blow by blow. And everyday that passes becomes a day closer to our POC day, with a withheld promise of a better life at the stations...

   Unfortunately, the post ends here.

   Status update? Well, I did managed to passed out and got into the 3rd division Yishun fire station. Life was as good as what they told me. From it's "lepak" sessions, to it's 1 days work/2 days off work shift. Tan was posted to Tampines instead but Rahman actually was posted to the same station as me. It's just that we're laterally posted to a different sub-unit in there. As for the case, it's still ongoing with a high chance of getting a probation out of it. The lawyer was willing to get me the probation (of course with a hefty price) but with an unfortunate and inevitable consequence. I may have to be remanded for 21 days in prison for a probation report. Nevertheless, it's still under discussion and pre-trial conferences. All I can do now is to pray to Allah S.W.T that I don't need to face such consequence. Only He can change my fate right now. <3 font="font">

Insecurities

   So it's the 10th week already ever since I've stepped into NSTI and lay the foundation of the start of a new life, called NS. Over the past years, I've been hoping and waiting for a chance to change myself, both physically and mentally. Moreover the year leading towards NS had been tough and it made me question the idea of having a future after NS. Somehow NS had taught and opened my mind to many ideas. It kept me questioning about matters such as moral values, the "significances" of a higher education qualification in the eyes of NS, doing what's right instead of what's easy and knowing the true limits to your mind and body. It also kept me wondering about the life beyond NSTI, the life waiting for me after NS.
   
   It would be a lie to say how envy I was seeing bunkmates having girlfriends or fiancées comforting them after they book-out from camp. No, I am not keen into entering a relationship so hastily just for the show of it. But it started to make me feel insecure about myself at times. The thought came to me earlier during my 2.4 km run, when I reminiscent those days during my secondary school and JC. I was never intending to compare them to my current life in NS, instead I was wondering what went "wrong". No, I do not want to re-enter into another ridiculous social chase or climbing up that stupid ladder of popularity. Then I saw distinct people like Shalom and Aqeel, who may look introvert at the first impression, but sometimes present themselves and communicate well with others even better than myself. Why?

   The problem about social fitting and trying to blend in is not uncommon to me. In fact, I'm seeing the same problem in my sister as well. Contrary to what people may perceive, we are fluent academically but it's as if we lacked a whole lot of EQ, important in surviving in this world today. It's not as if I'm hated by everybody who knows me. It's just that I don't get along well enough with others sometimes. This "issue" founded the "problem" behind the meltdown last year with YY, the fallout between Ruzia and now, the "stranger-zone" with Lina. Apparently she wasn't keen enough to call me out for her birthday celebration after I've got to know about it from Will and Daryl, who were invited. At that point, I just felt like giving up completely this whole 'problem". But seriously, what is wrong with me?

   Somehow I was too busy trying to mend my own mistakes that I've accepted too much of criticisms to the point of being bullied. Indirectly, it had made me less confident about myself. Yup, I may have an A-Levels cert., a place in uni waiting for me and now even a better looking body. But what's the point if people still looked at me the same way, with all the same critique and comments? I don't want to earn fame; I hated fame. I just want to be simple, just like the people around you.The influences given by my bunkmates may be good at times, but there were instances where I began to question such influences. It's so easy, too easy to utter out such motivational clichés such as to always be yourself and not to be too deterred by other's misplaced words. But where do you draw the line for change, when what you want is to be better but you slowly lose the sense to distinguish between the right and wrong in the process?

Dear Aziz,
   Bro Adam here. Life is never easy, but always be positive. Words may hurt our feelings, but words like this keeps us motivated. Remember, I know very well you can do it, so tell yourself everyday, upon everything, that you can do it!!!
Much respect,
Adam a.k.a Fattboy

   That last message left by my bunkmate before he was transferred out reminded me again of that same question that bothered me the first time I stepped into NSTI. What did I come here for? There may be only 3 more weeks to POP but the NS journey is still long ahead. The life after NS is still unknown yet sketched in the blueprints of my mind. So another question came into focus : What do I exactly want in life?

Halfway gone

   It's the 9th week already and so many things have passed. Here we are now at the BRT stage, waiting for the next fit-intake to come in and watching some of my bunkmates crossing over to SCC. Seriously, if I could blog every moment captured in the bunk and the field, I would have gladly done so. And blabbering long-winded stories about everything that happens in camp would just spoil the fun of it. So where do I start, as there's too many things that crossed my mind throughout these weeks, but too little time to tell?

   Nobody said that NS is going to be easy. I've already understood that since the first day I've stepped into NSTI, cleared up my area and bunk and joined my platoon for the first time. It becomes more complex when I still have 2 cases pending behind my back, with a possibility of getting charged and losing my future altogether. So my mindset was to change everything within these 2 years of NS with the hope that my future still exist. Throughout the 9 weeks, my relationship with my platoon mates and bunkmates has been somewhat on a rough patch. Deemed "Blur c***", "Stupid A' level student", "Brainless idiot", "Useless f**king maturity" etc. , it can really take a toll on anybody including me (and thanks Allah S.W.T that I've not beaten up anybody yet). Since I've started with a mindset pointing towards a change, I've accepted such criticism and tried to make a change, just to be shot with even more criticism. It came to the point that I felt that people was babysitting me altogether. It was then that I took up a stand and told them that I was capable of making decisions on my own without putting anybody into trouble. That did not helped either. I've thought that all this while, I'm considered introvert and it would be disastrous to seek help from anyone to rectify this (case example : IJC). Now that I'm here for the full-time and not "part-time" as in my schooling years, it just doesn't change anything much. I don't know what else to do or react anymore. So once again I saying this : an A' level student is not a genius and they are not warranted against any mistakes. It also means that they do have flaws and sometimes these flaws are much more bigger than those with a lesser education qualification. The A' level only means that they are good academically, not necessarily practically. Hopefully this will allow a paradigm shift in mindset among my bunkmates and platoon mates (eventhough it may all be too late). The status quo is that I'm trying to shut my mouth more often and just go with the flow. Their criticism may be right in some ways if you think about it. Accepting change is important, but when do you make your stand that what you're doing is already right?



   Within such conflicts, there were still many fun moments to treasure. From games, medical week, the jokes that had been shared, punishments that were done together...and Footdrill Comp. Footdrill Comp. saw us defending our title against the other companies in a series of footdrills and uniform inspections. A lot of time and effort was sacrificed by many and as usual, I was marked by many to c*** up during the day itself. In the end,  the whole platoon did well, including me. However, we still lose the trophy due to a poor PC phase, futile bangs and a lacklustre attempt at winning the uniform inspection. We went back with no trophy in hand and a 3rd place to be content with.


   At the end of this PTP stage, we saw everyone improved physically from the IPPT results (mine's getting closer to that pass! ;)). Passes for IPPT are getting larger in number and hopefully everyone can pass by the 13th week. The new BTP stage would see more rescue training instead of physical training. And frankly speaking, this is turning more and more like The Hunger Games in my opinion, with all the cameras, trainings, dorms, fighting to survive notion and all (of course, not inclusive of the arena and all those "fight till the death" games..). With POP getting closer, hopefully things would change from now on, insyallah. And it's only 5 more weeks to POP ohh!!!