With only 1 more paper to go before my first tier exams are over, I've found myself some time to write my blog again. Once again, a lot of thought have been going through my mind lately. Although the exams had been going quite ok, I'm still feeling quite the same...not happy nor sad. Just thinking about how much effort I've wasted trying to be what I'm not suppose to be. For months I've been chasing the friends I've wanted to be with, the life I've never had. I didn't realise that this "issue" is just the same everywhere. There will always be the popular kids...the jocks...the nerds...the slackers...and obviously the wierdos, shunned by everyone in school or even workplaces.
As much as people said this and that, I should know by now that I can never be going up to these "popular kids" just like that. Come on! Please realise that both you and I are not of the same social status." I'm not blaming them for being like that. I mean that everyone have their own story, and it is certainly ridiculous to say that they've never been into heartbreaks and problems before. But, that have never affected the way their friends perceived them. So the question right now is...why does it affect me?
As for her, from time to time I do prayed that she will open heart to me one day. Come to think about it right now, it is just stupid to do that. Maybe it is hard to accept it at that time that the reason we could not be together is because we're just two different people. But now I feel that there is no point even being friends with her whereas she's just going to hurt me time and time again. There's no denying that I'd still miss her every time I see her face...but I know it is just futile for her to be mine. I should have walked away a long time ago...
Maybe I've just went out of line in this instance. I should have let go of this issue umpteen times ago. The friends I have around me should be enough for me. Why should I chase after them whereas they do not even want to see the sight of me around them. That includes her. I may still love you...but with every time you stab my heart, it will slowly becomes numb until it comes to the point that even my feelings for you doesn't matter anymore...
A lot of thoughts had been given during this past few weeks. As usual, many things had happened and it certainly does not give me pleasure to say that I'm still alive in this "competition". After trying so hard, putting ample of efforts and going through the nights hoping for that dreaded pass in GP...it just did not came in the end. I just basically went through the horrific examination and died just like that. But, just when you thought it was all over, a glimmer of hope kept coming towards you...asking you, forcing you you not to give in and throw in the towel. I'm not strong...why are you still keeping me alive in this whereas no matter how hard I've tried, it just seems to be futile... It just so happens that this had been happening to me one too many times. Every time I think of losing hope, something inside of me would always try to remind me...Why am I here? If I was not strong as what I perceived, would I have come this far? Why should I give up now whereas I've come this close to ending everything? It's not as easy as saying some famous quotes like "Failure is one step to success" and blah, blah blah...
With only about 6 months left before the A levels, things could not get any worse than this. Other than brooding over my exam issues again and again, other things are preoccupying my mind. Yes, you've guessed it. I know, I should be thinking of her anymore. But it is just a nature of a human to have such feelings. Irrational actions however, is the act that you exhibit yourself. No matter how hard I'll try to forget her, it would still hurt even just a little bit whenever I see her in school. Now that the situation is getting more "cold", we are just basically distancing away from each other. Though I still wished that one day it may happen, reality have never turned out that way. All I can do now is to throw away that hope for something that is nearly impossible to happen. I know that you've told me it would never happen...but I just want you to listen to what I want to say. As much as you may have someone who can make you happy, my feeling towards you will never change. I may try to forget you and move on but it's just the natural feeling inside of me. Trust me..I won't get into the way of your life..it's just that I want you to hear what I have to say. I may look like I've go on with my life, but deep down my heart will always habour those feelings. It's not you to be blamed, it's just me...
