"Mine"set

   Sometimes it's not as easy as usually perceived to distinguish between right and wrong. There is that fine line between doing something that is dubiously right and doing something that is obviously right. There are times where you have to accept that what you thought and perceived to be right, may not be right afterall. And no matter how hard you try to find the right move in this game of life, sometimes the right thing to do is to leave it to Him to decide. But the question is how are you going to leave it to him to decide without making the decisions in the first place?


   My recent dress down by Farah, one of the managers, slaps me back me into reality. Although it was totally my fault, coming late too frequently and all, but it was her word that caught me. She was reprimanding me of the numerous times that I've said sorry but didn't meant it. Does this means that your sorry are not valuable and had no meaning, that you kept saying that just to get out of trouble? What if you got the job that you want, that determines your rice bowl, and you treat it like you're the priority and not the job? You won't last even a while in that job!  That reminded me of the possible job that I've wanted all along, that dream job at USGS and how I might lose it all if I go on having such an attitude. No, it was never only about punctuality. It's about my attitude as a whole. All this while, I thought I was doing good all over the place that I felt so righteous. Such a feeling soon developed into arrogance and jealousy, thinking that I'm superior than many other teens my age and perceiving the bad of those who have done well in life (like Aisyah and Sumi during the Big One results, or Zulfiqar's clean streak of not getting reprimanded). That thinking constantly bugged me, convincing me that they have done so much wrong as compared to me and that they don't deserve such honours. I deserved all of it, fighting against His will with my actions.


   This realisation had appeared to me too many times, from my mom telling me off about my deteriorating attitude, from the Woodlands CC where I could've gotten a scholarship just like before, from Mr Zee telling me that my decision to retake the A's is just an act of jealousy on my part. And then I remembered my prime days. It was never about how successful I am in the past, rather it was more of my attitude during those years. I was never arrogant about my successes, was more helpful and humble to Him and my mom who have helped me all along. In a glance, looking at myself before and now, I've changed alot, being worse off instead. Maybe all this while, all I need is to find my way back to Him, to never desert Him whenever the smell of success is near and to never play Him out like He is disposable. Once again, until I can fix my attitude back into place, there is no point in thinking that success is something that is reachable. Even if I do get success someday, it would be tainted, a success that I wanted and not what He wanted. I would be walking on a tightrope until I eventually fall.. <3

PS : - Did I mentioned about finally getting my 1st university acceptance letter? Okay, I forgot.. -.- It was from NTU, saying that I've got a place in the Faculty of Science in the Physics/Applied Physics course.. XD I was jumping for joy like a mad man when I got it. I'm now one step closer to clinching that course, opened in 2013, Earth sciences and Engineering. All I need now is a transfer approval, Insyallah. Here's the letter, and may the odds be ever in your (and my) favour..