It's exactly 12 noon, and here I am sitting at Starbucks thinking about what to write in this post. Honestly, I'd always have a good idea of what to write but when I sit in front of the computer, it just seems to fade away. Throughout these past few days, ample of thoughts had been running through my mind and I was just waiting for the moment when I can get my hands on my new Macbook Air to collate those thoughts. So, here I am with my Mac, trying to recollect these thoughts. 1) 24 Days And Counting
It's been about 3 weeks since the closure of the transfer window and there's still no news about the outcome of my applications. As for the EESS course that I've been rooting for so long, it had been silent on both the admission department and the professors. There is still no clue as to the outcome of my applications or even a date for interview. I've tried sending in another email, explaining my desire and passion in this course. That too came back without any reply. It also does not help when you heard that your other peers had already gotten their application outcomes, some securing great spots in uni. Sometimes I wonder whether I've overestimated my results such that I'm expecting an outcome so early in the month. Nicole and Cel did mentioned the outcome would be dragged till late May. Guess I'm losing patience, and I'm worried at the same time. There is a high possibility that I would not make the cut to read the EESS major in NTU. There is also that possibility that I won't even get a new place in any of the universities this year, which means that I'm stuck in Physics/Applied Physics for 2014 (Emran, though, told me that I could opt to transfer out from the first semester onwards, provided I shoot out a really, really good GPA at the very first semester.). So, what does this left me with? More time to wait, and even more worries on my mind. May Allah help me. 2) Blessings As for my family, I've finally stabilised my family's income although there is still so much improvements that can be made. Mum had been helping me by going for a security course this week while sis still doing a tad better in school these days. As for my tuitions, it's tiring but I'm always happy after every lesson as my tutees had been great to teach. This is not to mention the money that have been coming in to help pay off the bills. Meanwhile in camp, my Encik had managed to nominate me for a Service Excellence Award and a promotion to Corporal. This would mean that I'm able to take home a tad more pay next month, not to mention that I've only 2 months remaining to my ORD. Alhamdulillah for all these blessings.. :) 3) The Little Things Give You Away
Ever since Innova, SCDF and my time in prison, I was never the same person again. That shy, fat and troubled boy you see here is no more. But what replaced it is a source of question in my mind. Did I change for the better, or for the worse? After my time in prison, I told myself that I needed a radical change. Hence, I've retaken my A' levels (much to my happiness to proclaim a small redemption in that), changed my wardrobe and the way I've dressed, stepped up to the plate to take charge of my family's finances, built up my confidence and my positivity (thanks Ben!), lose some weight (thanks to you again Ben!), and the list goes on. Yet, there were questions as to whether I've really changed, or am I just the same guy inside hiding behind a facade of happiness. As I've went through "hell" during these past 2 years, I've quickly realised that I can't just share whatever emotions or insecurities I'm facing to anyone I know, lest they may use it against me. It has slowly developed into a wall covering my true weaknesses - people only need to know what they are suppose to know. So what they would see is only a simple guy who is carefree and with loads of positivity in life. As for those who had been with me for quite a while, this wall had already been removed. They would know my strengths, my goals, the problems that I'm always facing and the fears that I've always had in me. Soon, the realisation came. In 2 months time after NS, I'm going back to the same position as I was before, 3 years ago in IJC. All that backstabbing, trust issues, school issues, the blurred lines between guys and girls, clubbing etc. will be back. Am I really ready for this? Yes, I may be matured than what I was before but will I be able to react appropriately to these kinds of situation this time? I do know that I'm a kind of guy who knows how to have fun but there's also that part inside of me that would draw a line to it. I have principles that I want to uphold now. Yet, will others be able to appreciate and respect that? I do not know. This problem haunted me early when Nicole suddenly texted my out of the blue. Yes I knew her from IJ but I don't want to be tied up to that school again thanks to all the memories it had given me. Yet, I'm a positive person now and wanted to open myself up so I've talked to her. Soon, I've realised that she's somewhat related to the other guys - Kiven, Adilah, Hannan etc. I've kinda promised myself that I wouldn't want to bump into them, lest they still see me as the same "wierdo" as I was before. (Okay, maybe I don't give a fuck about what they think of me but I just don't want to meet them again. Better still, they don't know how much I've changed in appearance). I've stumbled upon a photo of Nicole with her bestie, Jessie (yah I know who she is) and I saw that face - YY. Nicole did mentioned that she wanted to invite me to her birthday party. If I'm gonna bump into her while I'm at the party, then no thanks. I don't want to be related to any of them anymore. I don't want to face my past all over again. I've somehow realised that when I enter NTU this August, I can never get the clean slate that I've always wanted since IJ. The past will always catch up with me, no matter how far I tried running away from it. There will always be someone that recognises me, regardless of the university that I choose. I can only hope to show a convincing front that I've "changed so much" without letting them see through my insecurities and the things I've faced. This doesn't mean though that I would severe my friendship with Cel, Nicole or anyone else just because they know these guys. It's just that I want to stay away from them. End of story. ^^
It's been 3 months ever since I've really looked through this blog and updated it. And yes, this is the first post of 2014. Essentially I was waiting for my new Macbook Air to come in April before updating this spot but I guessed I've had some time on my hand. Moreover, there's too much to tell. So, what happened during these 3 months? I can call it more like a roller-coaster ride.
1) Work reshuffling
During these months, there was that worry that the number of tuition that I was taking was way more than I could handle. Initially it was too little, but after some persistence and blessings I've managed to secure 3 tutees. Unfortunately, one of my tutee, Panittha, had to cancel prematurely the tuitions after I had a fallout with her. She was frequently late and was uninterested at some occasions. Strictly speaking, I had some part of the blame for reprimanding her, knowing very well that it could cost the job. I was badly in need of a backup plan thereafter and thank God I've got one in the nick of time. As of now, I'm holding onto 4 tutees, with a net worth of about $1000 per month. The question now lies in the future - Can I withstand such pressure going into the University phase in August? Only time will tell. 2) The Results
After 4 months of nervous waiting, 3rd March finally came. At 1.55 p.m, I was sitting in front of the computer with Ben, waiting for the results to be revealed. I don't need to mention how important it is for me to get the right result in this one. The clock struck 2.00 p.m, and with Adrenaline by Gavin Rossdale playing in the background, I opened my results page. The results - BCC/CB. Essentially all my grades remained stagnant excluding GP and Physics, which had went up by a grade. Of course I was ecstatic with such a result as it could have been much worse given the circumstances that I was facing. Yet, when I look forward to the EESS application and the transfer window, I know that there's still a long way before I can completely redeem myself. 3) The March "Transfer Window"
Although I had the end goal in mind, I was still lost in applying for a university (And yes, I've called it the "transfer window", as in the soccer transfer season.). I had until the 1st of April to complete my applications to NTU and NUS. Along the way, I've realised that this was more complicated than I expected and I also had to apply for bursaries, scholarships and grants. This required me to repeatedly go to the schools to submit my supporting documents and look up on all my past achievements since I was in Primary School. To add to that stress, I had to write up a unique 300 word essay for every admission and scholarship application I send in. I took the liberty to send in emails to some of the professors in an attempt to further strengthen my position in the application (This idea came from an EESS professor at the open house). Fortunately, I was able to complete all the paperworks in time and even managed to catch up with some of my classmates in those universities. 4) The dreaded wait, again It has been 5 days ever since the closure of the transfer window, and I know what to expect from here on out in April to June. As I chatted with Cel last week, she told me that 13 transfer students had already been chosen for the EESS course from the first batch of interviews. This leaves with only 17 spots left in the course to be prudent. The cut off grades were rumoured to be AAB/C,far offmy grades although it may had improved. I went on to try sending essays to the various professors in an attempt to entice them but no news had come out of it so far. Nicole (One of my schoolmates from JC), on the other hand, told me that it is much easier to secure a slot of interview in NTU based on her experience. She claimed that out of the many who had applied to read Linguistics in NTU, 200 were chosen for interview and all of them eventually made it into the course. Frankly speaking, I'm not confident of anything. Yes, I may had done better in the Big One this year but the applications is a different ballgame altogether. With that in mind, I've send out another application to NUS to read Geography as a backup plan while still holding strong to my application to read EESS in NTU. Ben told me to send out more emails to the professors while waiting, but somehow it's too early to tell. I know that the worse case scenario would see me taking up Physics in NTU in the hope of re-applying to EESS next year but I was adamant that there could be a better way out. Either way, the wait for the interview and results in April and May seems like forever to me, and it could well decide my future. 5) The final phase
After Dinn, Jaryl and Boon went on to collect their IC's from the office, it had meant that I'm the next in line to go. And it goes to remind me that the civilian life (and uni life) is drawing near. As I further relieved my task as the Platoon Administrator, all I can think about it the preparation for that transition period. There were questions about the finance and time management after I ORD and I've had to sit down and think carefully of what to do. What's more, as I looked at the faces around me now, I realised that everybody than I've known since I've entered SRU in 2012 had already ORDed. Simply put, I'm ready to ORD! Then again, I still have 3 months to go and needed to plan further on my finance and future. 6) Movies Divergent, The Raid and Captain America came out in the cinemas and I just had the slightest of free time to catch all of them. Spoilers? No no no... you'll have to watch them to find out! :) Divergent :
The Raid 2 :
Captain America :
So that's it for now. April and May will be an interesting month (hopefully) and then there will be June, when I'll be taking my holidays. All I can hope for now is that everything goes as smoothly as possible and that God continues to bless me along this road that I'm taking. Insyallah. ;)
It's exactly 12 noon, and here I am sitting at Starbucks thinking about what to write in this post. Honestly, I'd always have a good idea of what to write but when I sit in front of the computer, it just seems to fade away. Throughout these past few days, ample of thoughts had been running through my mind and I was just waiting for the moment when I can get my hands on my new Macbook Air to collate those thoughts. So, here I am with my Mac, trying to recollect these thoughts.
It's been about 3 weeks since the closure of the transfer window and there's still no news about the outcome of my applications. As for the EESS course that I've been rooting for so long, it had been silent on both the admission department and the professors. There is still no clue as to the outcome of my applications or even a date for interview. I've tried sending in another email, explaining my desire and passion in this course. That too came back without any reply.
As for my family, I've finally stabilised my family's income although there is still so much improvements that can be made. Mum had been helping me by going for a security course this week while sis still doing a tad better in school these days. As for my tuitions, it's tiring but I'm always happy after every lesson as my tutees had been great to teach. This is not to mention the money that have been coming in to help pay off the bills. Meanwhile in camp, my Encik had managed to nominate me for a Service Excellence Award and a promotion to Corporal. This would mean that I'm able to take home a tad more pay next month, not to mention that I've only 2 months remaining to my ORD. Alhamdulillah for all these blessings.. :)
After my time in prison, I told myself that I needed a radical change. Hence, I've retaken my A' levels (much to my happiness to proclaim a small redemption in that), changed my wardrobe and the way I've dressed, stepped up to the plate to take charge of my family's finances, built up my confidence and my positivity (thanks Ben!), lose some weight (thanks to you again Ben!), and the list goes on. Yet, there were questions as to whether I've really changed, or am I just the same guy inside hiding behind a facade of happiness.
Soon, the realisation came. In 2 months time after NS, I'm going back to the same position as I was before, 3 years ago in IJC. All that backstabbing, trust issues, school issues, the blurred lines between guys and girls, clubbing etc. will be back. Am I really ready for this? Yes, I may be matured than what I was before but will I be able to react appropriately to these kinds of situation this time? I do know that I'm a kind of guy who knows how to have fun but there's also that part inside of me that would draw a line to it. I have principles that I want to uphold now. Yet, will others be able to appreciate and respect that? I do not know.
This problem haunted me early when Nicole suddenly texted my out of the blue. Yes I knew her from IJ but I don't want to be tied up to that school again thanks to all the memories it had given me. Yet, I'm a positive person now and wanted to open myself up so I've talked to her. Soon, I've realised that she's somewhat related to the other guys - Kiven, Adilah, Hannan etc. I've kinda promised myself that I wouldn't want to bump into them, lest they still see me as the same "wierdo" as I was before. (Okay, maybe I don't give a fuck about what they think of me but I just don't want to meet them again. Better still, they don't know how much I've changed in appearance). I've stumbled upon a photo of Nicole with her bestie, Jessie (yah I know who she is) and I saw that face - YY. Nicole did mentioned that she wanted to invite me to her birthday party. If I'm gonna bump into her while I'm at the party, then no thanks. I don't want to be related to any of them anymore. I don't want to face my past all over again.
