It's exactly 12 noon, and here I am sitting at Starbucks thinking about what to write in this post. Honestly, I'd always have a good idea of what to write but when I sit in front of the computer, it just seems to fade away. Throughout these past few days, ample of thoughts had been running through my mind and I was just waiting for the moment when I can get my hands on my new Macbook Air to collate those thoughts. So, here I am with my Mac, trying to recollect these thoughts.1) 24 Days And Counting
It's been about 3 weeks since the closure of the transfer window and there's still no news about the outcome of my applications. As for the EESS course that I've been rooting for so long, it had been silent on both the admission department and the professors. There is still no clue as to the outcome of my applications or even a date for interview. I've tried sending in another email, explaining my desire and passion in this course. That too came back without any reply.It also does not help when you heard that your other peers had already gotten their application outcomes, some securing great spots in uni. Sometimes I wonder whether I've overestimated my results such that I'm expecting an outcome so early in the month. Nicole and Cel did mentioned the outcome would be dragged till late May. Guess I'm losing patience, and I'm worried at the same time. There is a high possibility that I would not make the cut to read the EESS major in NTU. There is also that possibility that I won't even get a new place in any of the universities this year, which means that I'm stuck in Physics/Applied Physics for 2014 (Emran, though, told me that I could opt to transfer out from the first semester onwards, provided I shoot out a really, really good GPA at the very first semester.).
So, what does this left me with? More time to wait, and even more worries on my mind. May Allah help me.
2) Blessings
As for my family, I've finally stabilised my family's income although there is still so much improvements that can be made. Mum had been helping me by going for a security course this week while sis still doing a tad better in school these days. As for my tuitions, it's tiring but I'm always happy after every lesson as my tutees had been great to teach. This is not to mention the money that have been coming in to help pay off the bills. Meanwhile in camp, my Encik had managed to nominate me for a Service Excellence Award and a promotion to Corporal. This would mean that I'm able to take home a tad more pay next month, not to mention that I've only 2 months remaining to my ORD. Alhamdulillah for all these blessings.. :)3) The Little Things Give You Away
After my time in prison, I told myself that I needed a radical change. Hence, I've retaken my A' levels (much to my happiness to proclaim a small redemption in that), changed my wardrobe and the way I've dressed, stepped up to the plate to take charge of my family's finances, built up my confidence and my positivity (thanks Ben!), lose some weight (thanks to you again Ben!), and the list goes on. Yet, there were questions as to whether I've really changed, or am I just the same guy inside hiding behind a facade of happiness.As I've went through "hell" during these past 2 years, I've quickly realised that I can't just share whatever emotions or insecurities I'm facing to anyone I know, lest they may use it against me. It has slowly developed into a wall covering my true weaknesses - people only need to know what they are suppose to know. So what they would see is only a simple guy who is carefree and with loads of positivity in life. As for those who had been with me for quite a while, this wall had already been removed. They would know my strengths, my goals, the problems that I'm always facing and the fears that I've always had in me.
Soon, the realisation came. In 2 months time after NS, I'm going back to the same position as I was before, 3 years ago in IJC. All that backstabbing, trust issues, school issues, the blurred lines between guys and girls, clubbing etc. will be back. Am I really ready for this? Yes, I may be matured than what I was before but will I be able to react appropriately to these kinds of situation this time? I do know that I'm a kind of guy who knows how to have fun but there's also that part inside of me that would draw a line to it. I have principles that I want to uphold now. Yet, will others be able to appreciate and respect that? I do not know.
This problem haunted me early when Nicole suddenly texted my out of the blue. Yes I knew her from IJ but I don't want to be tied up to that school again thanks to all the memories it had given me. Yet, I'm a positive person now and wanted to open myself up so I've talked to her. Soon, I've realised that she's somewhat related to the other guys - Kiven, Adilah, Hannan etc. I've kinda promised myself that I wouldn't want to bump into them, lest they still see me as the same "wierdo" as I was before. (Okay, maybe I don't give a fuck about what they think of me but I just don't want to meet them again. Better still, they don't know how much I've changed in appearance). I've stumbled upon a photo of Nicole with her bestie, Jessie (yah I know who she is) and I saw that face - YY. Nicole did mentioned that she wanted to invite me to her birthday party. If I'm gonna bump into her while I'm at the party, then no thanks. I don't want to be related to any of them anymore. I don't want to face my past all over again.I've somehow realised that when I enter NTU this August, I can never get the clean slate that I've always wanted since IJ. The past will always catch up with me, no matter how far I tried running away from it. There will always be someone that recognises me, regardless of the university that I choose. I can only hope to show a convincing front that I've "changed so much" without letting them see through my insecurities and the things I've faced. This doesn't mean though that I would severe my friendship with Cel, Nicole or anyone else just because they know these guys. It's just that I want to stay away from them. End of story. ^^
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