The Art Of Letting Go

   I don't know where to begin. It may have only been two weeks after the break but straight off the shelves I'm bombarded with pressure from all direction. The only upside of all of this is that I ended up blogging outside Starbucks on a Friday night (while maintaining my sanity), something I've always loved to do. To be honest, I know I'm suppose to study at every opportunity available but that's not who I am. I've always believed that there's a time and place for everything. So yea, here we go with another blog post...

1) That first person in your mind

   So, where do I begin? Most probably with the first thought that comes into my mind - Yunxuan. HOW STUPID CAN I BE?? And no, I didn't made that same mistake as before in case you were wondering. But just how stupid can I be to keep falling for the wrong person at the wrongest of time? I believed it's infatuation (though my mind was telling me otherwise all the time) and I know all too well not to entertain such emotions. Yet, I can't just be ending up thinking about her every once in a while, say, during studying or showering. And given my circumstances and the very major I'm taking, it's very distracting and counterproductive in all sense.

   Ben and Jia Wei knew, and also knew that it would never happen between us. I knew it too. But she's still in my mind! During one of our impromptu meet up last night at Nex, Ben (and Kira) went on about the idea of friend zone and the psychology of girls in general. He was right and it go me thinking. If I don't want to end up getting a "You're like a brother to me!!" comment right in my face, I should stop caring too much and LET GO. Yes, you heard me right, Letting go is the whole idea right now.

   There is something about Yunxuan's character that stirred my mind. She's very friendly to everyone (probably even flirty too sometimes) and she already has Daryl as a boyfriend. Yea, boyfriend. Something that will always repel me from chasing the girl. Because I wouldn't want to break anybody's relationship and moreover I know how hurtful it is to have your relationship be broken up by someone from the outside. Even with such feelings, I realised that we may not exactly be compatible. Jia Wei told me something meaningful during our break at Artease. "Will I ever change my religion if she asked me to, even if it is to be just an Atheist? Is it that common to see a Malay guy with a Chinese girl? Is she even open to a guy like me in the first place?" These questions just showed that the chase may be over even before it began. Because she can never accept me and even if she did, I have my restrictions.

   Angela was also having the same idea last friday when we were heading towards Daughtry's concert. Chances are that she would be taken by surprise at the feelings that I have for her and she would certainly be repelled by it. She agrees with me that Yunxuan is infatuated about Daryl right now and I should just stay as friends and let go.

   So why open up about this if it's already settled in the first place? If it's all about letting go, I want to train myself (and my thought process) to let go of chasing Yunxuan or any other girl for that matter. Because these kind of things should happen naturally and at the right place and time. Even without the pressure that I'm facing at this moment, it's always better to wait for the right girl to come by. Yes, it may be like waiting for the lottery to strike. Yet, it's not that I do not know how to impress a girl or charm her, I'd prefer letting go and taking a step back for once.

2) Slow dancing in a burning room 

   Some may had wondered how is it that I'm still able to be so cheerful and optimistic even with all this pressure. The thing is, I'm obviously  not. I was never happy nor that too optimistic. It's just a mask that I have to preserve and wear everyday. It's a battlefield out there and I should never give the impression that I'm weak or that I may have been burning out. It's just something that I don't want any of my peers to know, judge and see.

   Yet, the pressure does get to me from time to time. Just like how it did right after my computing exams last friday (though the results later proved otherwise, miraculously). I was in my worst mood possible and all I wanted to do is to run away and be alone to collate my thoughts. Yet, I knew that Cheryl, Lyndon and Yunxuan were there, and I don't want to give myself away like how I did back in the Foundation Of Math paper last month. I controlled my emotions and willed myself to smile and cheer Jia Wei up as she was also down.

   During the bus ride back to my hall, I was deep in thought. Where does all this stress is coming from? Didn't I lay out my plans back then during recess week? Whatever happened to them? The truth is, changing mindsets doesn't happen overnight. The plans may have been there but practicing it may take a lot of time and discipline. Somehow you may also fail to do it in the process. When I look back at my previous post, nitty gritty things like watching my diet and telling my roommate off may be easy to change, but things concerning my mindset and feelings may be hard to tweak.

   The people that I'm hanging out with aren't helping either. As for the clique, it may well be over before it can begin. For some reason, both Jia Wei and Yunxuan had been a little cold towards me as if I've done something wrong. I tried asking Jia Wei and she admits that there was a bad rumour going around about me. But our conversation got cut off as I needed to rush off to my Microeconomics class. Nonetheless, she looked pissed at me in some way. To be honest, I don't really care if people don't see eye to eye in the things that I should have done. Yet, every since Jia Wei brought it up to me it had become an itch I can't scratch. If there is something wrong with me, I should know about it; It's better for someone to confront me and tell me off so that I can better improve myself.

   This is where my gut feeling is telling me to let go. To let go of all that pressure of needing to do so well in anything. To let go of caring about my peers relative grades and that bell curve. It's like what matters most is that I try to do my level best in achieving my goals and improving myself instead (and it may well be true). In fact, this whole situation - my feelings with Yunxuan, the grades of virtually everyone else, the Bell Curve, people's impression of me and rumour mills - can and could possibly be solved altogether by just letting go and leaving it all to Him to decide. Though it may be easier said than done (and to be honest, it's never easy), but it is only through letting go and focusing more on myself, that I will find peace.

3) 31 days and counting 

   Regardless of what I do, time is running out. And now we're down to the final month before the start of the finals. Over the next few weeks, I'm expecting more tests and assignments to clear up in a hope of pulling up whatever remnants of my grades left. The talk with Danial (a 3rd year Senior in Mathematics) last week revealed the lower quartile position that I'm in as compared to other students, who may have been in the upper quartile instead. Though I'm trying not care about that damned Bell Curve, I realised that I still got a mountain to climb for most of my modules whether I like it or not, and I'm already doing everything I can and know to stay alive.

   As for now, I'm just tired. I may have an edge this time round going into the double quiz this week, but I've sacrificed a lot of down time for myself, including my CCA's. So much so I feel like I don't even have a life. To be honest, I just hope that this week will pass by quickly and that the following week will be so much better. I need it.

Revival

   Fast forward the time and...we are now in week 8 - Recess Week. So much had happened in these past 7 weeks (and a long blog post that awaits). The first half of the semester was filled with laughter, sad thoughts, frustrations, cries for joy, mistakes that could've been avoided, good moves and rumour mills. To be honest, I'm currently feeling very empty after a hectic Calculus paper yesterday and then all so suddenly dropping into a usual slacking mode. I don't even know where to start. My previous post took me 2 weeks before I could really find the time to upload it. Hopefully this will be post which I'm able to complete before the week ends and I resume my campaign.

Stage 1 : Blackout - The anger and frustration

   As a university student, you should have expected this coming. Week 1 was Orientation week. Week 2 and 3 were Grouping weeks (as in both your studying grouping and your clique grouping). Week 4 and 5 were Pressure weeks - that's when the tests come churning in and you start feeling the weight of the tutorial deadlines hitting your face. It had always been about the game of survival and expecting the unexpected. Just when you thought that you are done with one assignment, you'll be bombarded with probably an announcement of a quiz next week or something that requires your immediate attention (I guessed I have said that before).

   And it just keeps getting tougher and tougher. Week 6 and 7 - Midterms Week. 3 exams in one week and another 3 in the following week. It was a test of how much do you still have in your "tank" to pull through. I was basically dropping my sleep even further to 3 hours just to survive. I know what's at stake and that huge burden of getting at least a 4.0 GPA this year. Unfortunately, the weight of the modules are keeping me down and battling on 2 fronts is never, ever a good idea.

   I thought I'd hit my breaking point right after my Foundation Of Maths paper back at Exam Hall C (the dreaded exam hall that everyone's talking about). I sacrificed my whole weekend and some nights just to understand the chapters and do their tutorials, disregarding the advise of my peers of possibly putting too much emphasis on that module. And that's basically the reason why I ended up being so frustrated with myself after the paper. I didn't blame anybody for my horrendous result for that module as I knew what I've done wrong - not attempting the past year paper in time before the exams. As I was saying, the stakes are high and I was bleeding marks like the Niagara Falls.

   I remembered kicking the table (lightly, of course, while still trying to hide most of that frustration) and storming out of that exam hall, like a haunting past that came back to life. Jia Wei tried to talk me down and she understands why too. She, just like me, wanted out to pursue Economics or Psychology but she's just stuck as I am. Yunxuan saw the frustration in me but cared not to approach me at that point to ask me why.

   As the day went on, I tried hiding this bubble of anger inside of me from my other peers like Lyndon, Jun Yi and Aubrey (some high-end scholar in my course), going into my Economics lecture, but I know that I can never cure myself of this itch. This is who I am - I will try my very best and give it all I've got if I really want something, yet I know I'll be really pissed at myself if I never get that corresponding result that I've wanted. Moreover, it was a strategy mistake with solely me to blame and I can't help but to be frustrated with myself. Back in my hall, I ended up punching the walls of the cubicle in the toilet while I was bathing. I know I sounded crazy, but it can only takes one to know one. I had to find a way mount a comeback.

Stage 2 : Redeeming chance - A shot at Linear Algebra

   Knowing that I've screwed up my first midterm paper, I was determined to get back into the game. With the Linear Algebra midterms around the corner, I reduced my sleep once again and made sure that I've attempted most of the past year papers before stepping into the exam hall the following week. With only 2 hours before the paper, I was still with Yunxuan, Jun Yi, Jereld and the rest of the guys trying to clear up my cheat sheet for the exams. I was running on pure adrenaline to get me through the paper. I was determine for a better attempt at the paper, even though I may not be the best at Linear Algebra.

   The day earlier saw me and the girls going for an impromptu consultation with Troy Lee (my academic mentor and teacher for Linear Algebra) to clear out our misconceptions. And thank God, it had turned out to be a good move. Little did I know though that some of my other peers had the same idea when I caught them trying to met him as well after our consultation. I know how it goes. You're basically holding your breath to survive and continuously fight to keep afloat. Tutorials and lectures that didn't matter at that point in time had to be skipped with the hope of catching up later, only to be preparing for the next battle that lies ahead. And the competition draws you to pit knives against each other.

   After that 1 hour paper, I was more than relieved that it's over and I tried my level best to complete the paper. Though somehow I've got a feeling that I may not do very well for it (and it turns out to be true), it brings me comfort knowing that at least I've tried doing something about it.

Stage 3 : Que Sera Sera - Time to let go

It was the following Monday evening. In the long bus ride home, I kept thinking about the advises that I've heard that whole day. It's the beginning of recess week and I'm still trying to orient myself after the blows I've received in the first part of the semester. I'm still looking at myself - what did I do wrong this time? It was never about the effort that I've put in. There was no doubt about how much time and effort I've sacrificed for the sake of quizzes and midterms. And I'm still bothered by the idea of the bell curve pulling me down. I was too busy minding the scores of other people and knowing how the bell curve works till I fail to see the real problem - myself. I've got myself to sort out in terms of attitude, workload and mindset. Yes, I shouldn't stay satisfied with what I have and continue looking forward to my dreams and continue fighting for it. Yet, I've failed to appreciate what I've already done to even come this far. I was determined to find the root of the problem by the week's end.

   During the long chat earlier with Ben, he told me something that had jolted me back to my senses. I mean, look at where I am now. I was a Secondary 2 fallout, to a top N' level student, subsequently being one of only 2 students with a strong O' level grades to enter a JC, then dropping to a failing A' level student, coming back up with a miraculously better A' level grade while serving the nation and teaching 2 kids, and now an undergraduate pursuing a double major in Mathematics and Economics. It's as if I've climbed the peak of a Mount Kinabalu, only to attempt climbing Everest at a first try. I kept looking in front till I fail to appreciate what I already have now. I'm not only sitting on a prospect of a double major if I survive; I'm on a fully sponsored degree with a $6000 bursary! If I can quote Ben on this - "You have everything going as planned now, what more do you need until you're happy?!"

   Ben was right. I should try to be happy for once. I should really take a step back and thank Allah S.W.T for what I've achieved. Nonetheless, I was still determined to know what went wrong. My mind slowly turned to a peculiar talk I had with my mum earlier. I knew there was something about me that's been stopping me from going a lot further. I can feel it. She was saying that I was slowly turning back to the same person that I was trying so hard to avoid - the dark days of my student life in IJC. If that's the case, then what should I do? Is that really the reason why I find it hard to survive in NTU?

   Over a cup of Mocha Latte (as usual), I've set out to brainstorm on what could have caused my hardship in NTU and why. It took me a while but I've realised that it can be attributed to several factors :

1) My roommate - He needs to stop bringing girls into my room for his own pleasure. It's going to affect my concentration and environment of the room. Get another room to do your business, Kelvin!
2) My prayers - I confess, I haven't been keeping my prayers well in check ever since I've entered NTU. Though how rigorous my timetable is or how that I'm going to be late for my Archery trainings or lectures, there's no excuses in missing prayers at this stage. I may need to find every spot to pray in NTU, or bring a prayer mat and pants wherever I go then.
3) Halal food - Another confession. Subway and some of the food in the canteen ain't halal. And I'm eating them. This has to stop. Period. I can try to be more strict on my diet from now on.
4) Listening to a more calming music - Yes, not Linkin Park, 30 STM and Paramore every time everyday. I need to start listening to interpretations from the Quran and probably some soothing music during my study.
5) Talk less of unnecessary stuff - It gets harder from here as I suddenly "morphed" into a part-extrovert and talkative person. Simply put, I need to stop talking too much about other people and just stay neutral.

   It took me a while to think through number 6 - My heart. This is the most hardest of them all, and it could be the main culprit. Ever since I've entered NTU, I've become a really sociable and likeable person. Yet, my limits were blurred in the process. For instance, I can't just be touching a girl's hand and hug here. It may be socially acceptable and expected by the other person, but religious wise, it's not. Sometimes I do try socialise with limits, but the dangers are there and I'm afraid to say that I've overstepped those boundaries quite a few times already. To be honest, I should re-evaluate my social limits and line between right and wrong.

   I was about to close my notebook until I recalled another thing. Number 7 - Letting go. Throughout this whole time in NTU, I was holding that hope, just like when I just entered JC, that I would find a girlfriend. And I have to be honest, I've been quite flirty and horny in school. I was turning my attention from one girl to another - Cheryl, Cindy, Natalie, Hilda, Lynn, Angela, Amirah or any girl that passes by. So yeah, this too has to stop permanently. That includes having feelings for Yunxuan (Oh c'mon! She has a boyfriend already!). The point is that I have to narrow my focus on the battle in hand instead and let go. If someone is really meant for me, they will come at the right time. Thus I should learn to let go of that feeling. As for my studies, I have to give it all I've got, and just let go. There's so much I can do. I'm just a human, not a miracle maker.

Stage 4 : Turnaround - What to expect in the second half

   My mentality and body was in a state of disarray the first half of the semester. Running with only 2 hours of sleep and putting on the strong self in front of everyone is taking a toll on me. I barely had time for myself but I knew that sacrifices like this had to be made. Only Allah knows how much fire there is in me to prove something for myself and the people that had believed in me.

The email from Dr Malinda earlier, telling me that NTU is making it more harder for seniors to transfer courses by the year end, and my lacklustre results were like a slap from my JC past. The hurt felt so familiar. That was the hurt I was trying to avoid and rectify.

   I was trying to get the best of both worlds - from my competitive archery, being a Group Leader for the next Economics FOC, my weekly board games society, joining social activities around hall, doing my tuitions and making ends meet for my double major. It was so bad that I had to sacrifice one over another just to stay alive. There were too many days where I'll end up sleeping on my notes when sleep overtake me. Most of my classes starts at 8.30 am and as expected, I would miss a huge portion of it because of the exhaustion that took over me.

   So, will I be expecting all these when school reopens? Maybe. Yet, I'm still expecting a better semester. The situation has changed with my tutees, such that they are finishing their exams by the week's end and would not need tuition till next year. This will take a toll on my income, but I will have a more open schedule because of this. Back in school, there would be more battles awaiting me but I'm not even close to backing down. I'm going to be pushing even harder than before. Only then will I leave it to God to decide my grades. The social games will continue, but I have to be on guard with myself rather than worry about the people around me. It is, after all, an individual's game. And hopefully the outlook of my game will change after Recess Week.