I don't know where to begin. It may have only been two weeks after the break but straight off the shelves I'm bombarded with pressure from all direction. The only upside of all of this is that I ended up blogging outside Starbucks on a Friday night (while maintaining my sanity), something I've always loved to do. To be honest, I know I'm suppose to study at every opportunity available but that's not who I am. I've always believed that there's a time and place for everything. So yea, here we go with another blog post...
1) That first person in your mind
So, where do I begin? Most probably with the first thought that comes into my mind - Yunxuan. HOW STUPID CAN I BE?? And no, I didn't made that same mistake as before in case you were wondering. But just how stupid can I be to keep falling for the wrong person at the wrongest of time? I believed it's infatuation (though my mind was telling me otherwise all the time) and I know all too well not to entertain such emotions. Yet, I can't just be ending up thinking about her every once in a while, say, during studying or showering. And given my circumstances and the very major I'm taking, it's very distracting and counterproductive in all sense.
Ben and Jia Wei knew, and also knew that it would never happen between us. I knew it too. But she's still in my mind! During one of our impromptu meet up last night at Nex, Ben (and Kira) went on about the idea of friend zone and the psychology of girls in general. He was right and it go me thinking. If I don't want to end up getting a "You're like a brother to me!!" comment right in my face, I should stop caring too much and LET GO. Yes, you heard me right, Letting go is the whole idea right now.
There is something about Yunxuan's character that stirred my mind. She's very friendly to everyone (probably even flirty too sometimes) and she already has Daryl as a boyfriend. Yea, boyfriend. Something that will always repel me from chasing the girl. Because I wouldn't want to break anybody's relationship and moreover I know how hurtful it is to have your relationship be broken up by someone from the outside. Even with such feelings, I realised that we may not exactly be compatible. Jia Wei told me something meaningful during our break at Artease. "Will I ever change my religion if she asked me to, even if it is to be just an Atheist? Is it that common to see a Malay guy with a Chinese girl? Is she even open to a guy like me in the first place?" These questions just showed that the chase may be over even before it began. Because she can never accept me and even if she did, I have my restrictions.
Angela was also having the same idea last friday when we were heading towards Daughtry's concert. Chances are that she would be taken by surprise at the feelings that I have for her and she would certainly be repelled by it. She agrees with me that Yunxuan is infatuated about Daryl right now and I should just stay as friends and let go.
So why open up about this if it's already settled in the first place? If it's all about letting go, I want to train myself (and my thought process) to let go of chasing Yunxuan or any other girl for that matter. Because these kind of things should happen naturally and at the right place and time. Even without the pressure that I'm facing at this moment, it's always better to wait for the right girl to come by. Yes, it may be like waiting for the lottery to strike. Yet, it's not that I do not know how to impress a girl or charm her, I'd prefer letting go and taking a step back for once.
2) Slow dancing in a burning room
Some may had wondered how is it that I'm still able to be so cheerful and optimistic even with all this pressure. The thing is, I'm obviously not. I was never happy nor that too optimistic. It's just a mask that I have to preserve and wear everyday. It's a battlefield out there and I should never give the impression that I'm weak or that I may have been burning out. It's just something that I don't want any of my peers to know, judge and see.
Yet, the pressure does get to me from time to time. Just like how it did right after my computing exams last friday (though the results later proved otherwise, miraculously). I was in my worst mood possible and all I wanted to do is to run away and be alone to collate my thoughts. Yet, I knew that Cheryl, Lyndon and Yunxuan were there, and I don't want to give myself away like how I did back in the Foundation Of Math paper last month. I controlled my emotions and willed myself to smile and cheer Jia Wei up as she was also down.
During the bus ride back to my hall, I was deep in thought. Where does all this stress is coming from? Didn't I lay out my plans back then during recess week? Whatever happened to them? The truth is, changing mindsets doesn't happen overnight. The plans may have been there but practicing it may take a lot of time and discipline. Somehow you may also fail to do it in the process. When I look back at my previous post, nitty gritty things like watching my diet and telling my roommate off may be easy to change, but things concerning my mindset and feelings may be hard to tweak.
The people that I'm hanging out with aren't helping either. As for the clique, it may well be over before it can begin. For some reason, both Jia Wei and Yunxuan had been a little cold towards me as if I've done something wrong. I tried asking Jia Wei and she admits that there was a bad rumour going around about me. But our conversation got cut off as I needed to rush off to my Microeconomics class. Nonetheless, she looked pissed at me in some way. To be honest, I don't really care if people don't see eye to eye in the things that I should have done. Yet, every since Jia Wei brought it up to me it had become an itch I can't scratch. If there is something wrong with me, I should know about it; It's better for someone to confront me and tell me off so that I can better improve myself.
This is where my gut feeling is telling me to let go. To let go of all that pressure of needing to do so well in anything. To let go of caring about my peers relative grades and that bell curve. It's like what matters most is that I try to do my level best in achieving my goals and improving myself instead (and it may well be true). In fact, this whole situation - my feelings with Yunxuan, the grades of virtually everyone else, the Bell Curve, people's impression of me and rumour mills - can and could possibly be solved altogether by just letting go and leaving it all to Him to decide. Though it may be easier said than done (and to be honest, it's never easy), but it is only through letting go and focusing more on myself, that I will find peace.
3) 31 days and counting
Regardless of what I do, time is running out. And now we're down to the final month before the start of the finals. Over the next few weeks, I'm expecting more tests and assignments to clear up in a hope of pulling up whatever remnants of my grades left. The talk with Danial (a 3rd year Senior in Mathematics) last week revealed the lower quartile position that I'm in as compared to other students, who may have been in the upper quartile instead. Though I'm trying not care about that damned Bell Curve, I realised that I still got a mountain to climb for most of my modules whether I like it or not, and I'm already doing everything I can and know to stay alive.
As for now, I'm just tired. I may have an edge this time round going into the double quiz this week, but I've sacrificed a lot of down time for myself, including my CCA's. So much so I feel like I don't even have a life. To be honest, I just hope that this week will pass by quickly and that the following week will be so much better. I need it.
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