It was evident in everything that I do, and I wasn't able to look at the mirror without feeling a tinge of shame inside of me. It's like I couldn't bring myself to accept my flaws yet. In Archery, we are taught to let go to get the perfect shots. Yet, I was getting atrocious scores during training even as my shooting form was right. There's something in my mind that's bothering me; there's a wall that is constantly blocking me from achieving my fullest potential.
I was still determined to know why and continued retracing my steps just like I did before. What was initially a talk with my mum about changing my major, turns out to be a discussion about myself. She asked me to do some soul searching - to find what's wrong with myself and see through the decisions that I've made ever since I've stepped into NTU. There were decisions that I though was right, but it may not have been what He wanted. And what about my character and attitude all this while? Was I always doing the right thing throughout this semester? Am I really trying my best, or am I just deluding myself? And if I really wasn't in university to find a girlfriend, why am I eyeing girls like Yunxuan, Celest, Sarah, Sindy etc.? Am I really doing the right things?
The fact that I knew the answers to those questions, and that the answers are ugly shows that there are many flaws that I still needed to fix. This is just like back in my college days - I am still trying to find myself and do the right thing (which goes to show why my exams turned out to be the same way as before). As I read back my previous posts, trying to remind myself of what I should be doing, I also knew that there were some things that were beyond my control and I should continuously learn to let go.
It was easier said than done. When I was typing a part of this blog with Ben and Elena, I stumbled upon a picture of Jia Wei at Cheryl's house the other day. I knew that I have feelings for her ever since the birthday card but given how the situation is right now, I guess it's impossible altogether. I was still continuously haunted by the words of my campmates, telling me that I wasn't capable of being a boyfriend, that no girl would ever take a second look at me, that I would be stuck as a virgin till probably 40 or maybe even turn out to be a pedophile. It felt as if my esteem and confidence was tested and I wasn't capable to prove myself even once. I am confronted with that bugging feeling, that I was capable of making friends with many, including girls, but I will never be boyfriend material.
And I though Ben was just trying to help, I guess he was just making it worse. He recently had an operation on his eyelids and was asking for my help in taking care of him. During that time, he was contemplating on giving Elena a chance, seeing how close she is with him and dropping so many hints. I told him and convinced him to go after her. The following day, I brought her along to visit him. What was initially a normal visit as friends ended up with them making out in the dark and expressing their love over a horror movie, and me being a third wheel over there. I couldn't take it any longer, and I knew it was my cue to leave. I told Ben I need to hurry home and asked him to send her off in a cab ( That is if he really wanted to that night). The moment I stepped out of his block, I burst out into a run. I just wanted to run far, far, far away from that place. I couldn't handle it. I just got my friend hitched again but I was never able to change my own fate. I felt hurt all so suddenly, really hurt. Even with all the things that I've done and I'm capable of doing, I wasn't able to find someone, anyone who was able to accept my flaws truthfully and never shuns me away like the plague. It was as if I was cursed to be like this and that my campmates were right. It was against my innate nature to give up, and I was angry and disappointed. He had everything perfectly in place, while I became the perfect disaster. The ride home was dreadful and I was holding back on all of those sadness for as long as I could possibly remember.
As I was on my way back to hall yesterday, I had to spill the beans to Kira. And as I would expect, she broke into tears. She felt hurt and betrayed with what Ben had done and I was trying to console her as much as I can. It was only after what Kira told me about Elena, that I realised that I've made a fatal mistake. I've just instigated my own best friend to go after a girl was only going to play him out on his feelings. I immediately felt sick to my stomach, and I was desperately trying to find a way to talk to him personally until today. I needed to speak to him without her around because she doesn't have to know about this, and I'm not planning to be a third wheel again feeling down. Yet, he was constantly there with her and hooked onto her. There's honestly nothing much I can do about it.
Later in the evening, I talked to Jereld about this and he too agrees with me that there's nothing much I can do about it. The only thing I can do now is to hope, wait and play it nice towards everybody (this unfortunately applies to my problems as well). And then he told me the ugly truth - that it was impossible to get who I wanted and it could be a long way before I can find that someone who understands me. As much as I am hurt and as much as I tried to change myself for the better, I have to accept myself and learn that this is something that I have to give up. I have to stop trying to find a suitable girl as it isn't because I wasn't able to find one, rather I needed the peace and I can't afford to be hurt any longer. The heart can only take just as much hurt, until it can't take anymore and becomes cold for good.
Trying to distract my mind of all of this mayhem, I was thinking about my major. I was determined for Him to decide the right path for me so I was waiting for a sign, a hint from Him as to whether I should transfer out, where I should transfer out or should I stay. If I followed my gut feelings, I would've submitted my transfer papers to Economics right here right now but this time I want to make it different. I want to make the right decision for once. I'm tired of getting hurt from all the wrong decisions that I've made.
Epilogue
It's funny how I still end up blogging about this on a Saturday night, sipping on a cup of hot chocolate on a rainy day. I figured after my previous post, my mind would've been cleared up and I was prepared to face whatever that's coming to me. But I was wrong, and I was still constantly thinking about it as I go along my holidays. I ended up being in the middle of this mess, just like how I thought it to be. Though it doesn't feel as painful as it is before, but the fact that I'm still thinking about it means that I haven't truly let go. I saw my friend getting hitched to a "playgirl", because of me. I saw another friend cried ever so hard in her life, knowing that my best friend just stabbed her in the back. I saw my friend making the biggest mistake of his life, diverging away and slowly falling in the trap I indirectly set up. I saw the person, whom I thought was my closest friend left me in the lurch, even as her birthday was today. I don't know what's right and wrong anymore. I saw that I was doing so much better in what I do now, not because I've learnt to let go, rather I was incapable of doing anything about it. Who is right and who is wrong? I seriously have no clue. And as this year comes to an end, I saw everybody that I was close with split apart right in front of me, leaving me with the ironic few whom I've never thought I would end up making good friends with.
In short, I just want to reiterate it to both myself and the people reading this post that there are things which you can't outrun, the little things that you should learn to let go. It hurts, and it will continue to hurt. But if you want to find peace and accept yourself for who you are, you have to let it go and continue living your life. Try you best in everything you do but be aware that there's also so much that you can actually do. Learn to accept and let go, not because you are too weak to do anything about it, rather you need peace in your life. Leave it all to him, and God's willing He will give you the things you need at the right time...
"I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded; not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night."
Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner
Let me set the situation - It's the end of Finals, my birthday have long passed, semester's came to an end with a disheartening FOM paper, the clique of Yunxuan, Jia Wei and me are long gone, my sister failed her PSLE (miserably, if I may add), and I've ended this semester the way it began (and yes, I'm also flunking all of papers along the way, just like before). To be honest, my mind is really blank like the page of this blog initially. It's a Sunday and I'm suppose to be home by now. Yet, I just can't will myself to go home. Not until I clear my mind off all of these things. There's so much pent up frustration in me and and I'm dying to write it all out here. Everything. I didn't have the chance previously when the first few exams came around. Now, given that this "burden" is over, I'm determine to complete this (probably super-long) post once and for all. Let's begin from the moment before the worst.
1) The Set-Up
To be honest, I have no clue as to how it can all end up this way. It was bad - Me, sitting beside Jun Yi and Lyndon and there was Deborah and Qin Hui sitting opposite them. And then there was Jia Wei and Cheryl sitting right in front of me. And I'm "alone". I have no clue why but I suddenly feel awkward around them. It's like they are in a different frequency altogether and I was left out. I thought that it was only the mind playing tricks on me but I can sense the paranoia already creeping inside of me. Like a part of my horrendous past is coming back to haunt me. I willed myself to fight off this feeling, knowing that if I let it consume me, I would've lost my cool and ran off like a madman. I tried to be more engaging in their conversations. But somehow I can feel that I'm losing the grip on my "mask" already. Those moments, where all they could see was the cheerful, jovial and matured guy is slowly fading away. My introversion is coming back, and I can't help but to feel really awkward throughout the whole dinner.
I was insistent that it was a one-time affair, and that maybe I was just overthinking, just like Ben would always say. The awkwardness came about again during lunch after the Foundations Of Mathematics paper. I ended up lunching at 4 Fingers Crispy Chicken with Jereld (Thank God he was there..), Cheryl, Lyndon and Jia Wei. Jereld knew what was going on, and he saw that I was determined to change the whole situation. Yet, it seemingly becomes more and more futile, and I saw myself drifting apart from them again. I saw the glances from Jia Wei - she wasn't even happy that I was there. Not a single word was exchanged between her and me throughout the whole time, given how we were close before. I took advantage of the idea that Lyndon was meeting Yuan Zhao later for Fifa and tagged along to prove that I wasn't such an introvert after all. But there's no point, and it's too late to change anything.
2) The Phobia
Why? I remembered it. It was clear like daylight. I've to admit that my college years wasn't the best but this mistake, or event, or whatever you called it, had left me with a trauma that I carried up until now. And it was hard to let go. Because of that, I swore never to ask, talk or even drop the slightest hint about it.
It was one of the afternoons in school and I was feeling very down, the exact same way as I was feeling now. I felt lonely and insecure as I thought I couldn't interact well with others. So I took the courage to ask YY and Cel as to whether they think that I'm weird. It took a while of minding my own business in the canteen until Kiven, Hannan and the 2 girls came by, asking as to why I feel this way. Yup, so far it had seemed like they are here to help me so I let off steam and told them my same old grandfather story as to why am I such an introvert since my Secondary years. Silly me. Little did I know, they were secretly judging me, and that moment would have ruined my social life for my next 2 years in College. After the talk, I felt relieved. But the following months came like hell - rumours were flying around about me, lots of people avoiding me (including that had talked to me on that day), and while I was still trying to get a grip on myself and slowly learn how to interact with others, they've killed my reputation. Misery had then became part of my life during College and when I finally graduated, I was determined to stop it right there.
3) Walking The Same Road Back
Somewhere along the line I must've made a mistake. I was fervently retracing my steps, looking for clues. Somehow it had led me to think that it had all begun from the day they celebrated my birthday. I headed straight to Ben's place after dinner, looking for answers. It was hard to relate to him, given the fact that he's already doing so well socially in RP. But I have to try as I was desperate for answers. Furthermore, there's no one else that I could trust with my secrets. Somehow he's got a feeling that I must have said something so awfully wrong that Jia Wei must have taken it seriously. She then talked about it to Yunxuan and Cheryl (and probably Lyndon) and the rest pans out the way it is now. Yet, be that as it may, what am I suppose to do? And I still have no clues as to what was so wrong about me.
This wasn't the first time it had happened. It took a whole lot of sources to know that this was my issue from the beginning - saying the wrong things, at the wrong time, and probably at the wrong tone. Jereld said that it could've started from the birthday card, as it may have been Jia Wei's roommate, Yvonne, that have done the card instead of her. And maybe I've indirectly dissed off the idea that she had spent the whole night doing it. However, Jia Wei was talking about things like toning and colour contrast for Deborah's birthday card after the dinner as if she knows what she was doing. It's a contradiction right there.
The point is that I must find a way to mend the situation and control the damage. The idea I had in mind was that for some to eventually disagree with the rumours that are spreading, pivoting on how I would react in the following months to come. That's all that I can hope for.
4) Damage control?
Well that's a long term solution. And to be cruelly honest, there's nothing much I can do now. It was exactly these kinds of situation that Ben was telling me to avoid, the kind that will ruin your reputation for the entire schooling years (and even as I'm typing this, I'm still wondering what could've I done so gravely wrong..). Even he wasn't able to advise me of a quick solution out of this. His long term solution stands - get into a Toastmaster's club and crawl my way out by learning how to interact with others all over again. Initially, I wasn't too happy when he've said that. But given the fact that I'm still making the same stupid mistakes as I did in college, it seems like I've got nothing to lose.
So that's the reason why I needed to blog so badly. I needed a quick fix to this issue that had been bothering me until now. I tried leaving my hall and get back home to catch a breather. I needed some time away from school to think of what should I do next.
I should just accept the reality and let go, accept the fact that Jia Wei and Yunxuan probably finds me an eyesore and prefers Lyndon to be around them. Losing them as a clique now, what should I do? I was planning on getting closer to Deborah, Jereld and Jun Yi and getting to know them better. If Yunxuan ever comes by, then let her be. I've got a feeling that she would leave to find Daryl at Cheryl's hall eventually. So what about next semester? Where do I sit and what should I do during lectures? I'm going to plan my timetable just like I did the first time (when I didn't have a single clue who is who, and when I had no friends) - shadowing Jereld's timetable. As for lectures, I would either sit around with Deborah and Qin Hui, or stay put with Jereld and Jun Yi. The same goes for the tutorials. If, in an event that nobody except them is left to hang around, I'll just either go back to my hall/home or go for my tuitions. No, it doesn't mean that I would give them an awkward look or be uncomfortable with them. I would still be okay with Lyndon as we may have some things in common. Yet, I'm determined to continue wearing my "mask" in front of those that I couldn't trust. I've learned that I can be an extrovert and I should continue to be, but I should never, ever reveal anything related to me personally. If there's somewhere that I need to get to, I should just leave. They are not worth my time after all. I should just accept the reality and let go...
Essentially, damage control wise, I have to continue giving that cheerful and jovial vibe of things, regardless of how people may perceive me (and the number of exams that I may have to take). As for the words that I say, I would have to be on guard. It would be okay for me to joke around with others at times and be more open about the things they say, but it's never good to be sticky. If I have to stop, I must stop. Period.
5) The Games
I was never fully prepared for any of my papers, especially Linear Algebra. I tried to counter the situation by creating a schedule that I would follow to complete my revision but it was too hard. I've already fallen way behind in my studies and my tests scores had been lacklustre, if not bad. My 4.0 GPA goal was slowly fading away and I just couldn't do anything about it. As I was standing outside The Earth Observatory, bothered with the many things in my mind, it felt as if I'm losing grip of the whole situation. On one end, I feel like quitting school and just start working, sensing that I may not be cut out for such a social/academic life. On another end, my heart still yearns to fight - to transfer to Earth Science as soon as possible, even if it means dropping one of my majors just to stay alive (and that, my friend, would probably be Mathematics). There were times when I feel like running away from this course and the people that are in it. Pursuing a degree is supposed to something that is meant to direct you to your dream job and happiness, not suffer in silence for a monthly-salaried job. I was already trashing it out every night for my papers and losing a whole lot of sleep (and probably my mind by the end of all of this), and still I ended up going out of the exam hall feeling as if I've never done enough. It felt exactly like the first time I took my A' Levels, much to my fear that my results would also reciprocate that.
6) My sister - another issue at hand
Simply put, my sister had just become the bottom 3% of Singapore for her PSLE. And of course I was pissed. It felt as if I've put her in that place and it was entirely my fault that I've never taught her enough back when she was preparing for her PSLE. I wind up arguing with my mom on that Friday morning, 2 hours before my Algorithm paper. It was depressing to hear the same old curses hurled at me. And I was getting more and more pissed off by the minute. The night earlier, I spoke to my auntie about it. She was saying that she had this uneasy feeling and that she called me up. Turns out, I too was looking for someone to talk to. I told her everything that had happened to my sister - how I was looking for ways to solve the issue, and how sad and despair I feel for not being able to help her out of this situation. It felt as if I'm the one who have failed her and I wasn't capable enough to stop it. She calmed me down, telling me as a human there's so much that I can do and that there are some things that are beyond my control (It's funny how it still relates to letting go). She also told me to clear out my Finals first before thinking of what should I do with her. And she was right. I need to plan something out for my sister immediately after my Finals.
I didn't tell her about the problems that I'm facing in school though. She was so proud of me that she was basically praising me to all my relatives, including my cousin who also did badly for his PSLE. Which is the reason why I feel that this was something I have to learn to solve, myself.
7) Endgame?
That's a loads of ranting on a single page, but to me I'm really in need of answers. I entered university with the hope that I could erase my past and correct everything once and for all. It's been a long time coming - after the meltdown my family faced, after Changi, after NS, after retaking my A levels and I'm still here. And I was determined to change everything. Yet, I can't run away from my past forever. When I first met this group of people during orientation, I portrayed a different side of me, a side which I deemed socially acceptable. When I first took up my course, there was a fire burning inside of me wanting to transfer to my dream course so badly that I'm ready to put in all the effort to stay alive and do well in my studies. Now, it's as if the drive is slowly fading away, and what replaced it is despair and disappointment. I'm also losing grip on my social life and the friends that I thought were real.
So, what can we expect for the next semester? Bad Blood. As I'm on my own again, I will have to rely on the few people that still trust me and continue this Charade. I will most like be juggling more tuitions, archery competitions, being a Fast Forward Gamemaster, Toastmasters member, IHG and those Economics GL events (Yup, I'll most likely drop a CCA along the way during the semester).
Then what are my options? a) Drop my Mathematics for a full Economics major. b) Drop my Economics major for a full Mathematics major, in the hope that I could still transfer out. c) Transfer to HSS, any course from there would be just fine. d) Apply for FASS in NUS, which is probably a chance to get a new environment. e) Stick to my course, and suffer in silence while praying that my grades would suffice for the transfer.
I have the whole of December to decide. And frankly speaking, I'm afraid to choose...
