Flaws

   It was evident in everything that I do, and I wasn't able to look at the mirror without feeling a tinge of shame inside of me. It's like I couldn't bring myself to accept my flaws yet. In Archery, we are taught to let go to get the perfect shots. Yet, I was getting atrocious scores during training even as my shooting form was right. There's something in my mind that's bothering me; there's a wall that is constantly blocking me from achieving my fullest potential.

   I was still determined to know why and continued retracing my steps just like I did before. What was initially a talk with my mum about changing my major, turns out to be a discussion about myself. She asked me to do some soul searching - to find what's wrong with myself and see through the decisions that I've made ever since I've stepped into NTU. There were decisions that I though was right, but it may not have been what He wanted. And what about my character and attitude all this while? Was I always doing the right thing throughout this semester? Am I really trying my best, or am I just deluding myself? And if I really wasn't in university to find a girlfriend, why am I eyeing girls like Yunxuan, Celest, Sarah, Sindy etc.? Am I really doing the right things? 

   The fact that I knew the answers to those questions, and that the answers are ugly shows that there are many flaws that I still needed to fix. This is just like back in my college days - I am still trying to find myself and do the right thing (which goes to show why my exams turned out to be the same way as before). As I read back my previous posts, trying to remind myself of what I should be doing, I also knew that there were some things that were beyond my control and I should continuously learn to let go.

   It was easier said than done. When I was typing a part of this blog with Ben and Elena, I stumbled upon a picture of Jia Wei at Cheryl's house the other day. I knew that I have feelings for her ever since the birthday card but given how the situation is right now, I guess it's impossible altogether. I was still continuously haunted by the words of my campmates, telling me that I wasn't capable of being a boyfriend, that no girl would ever take a second look at me, that I would be stuck as a virgin till probably 40 or maybe even turn out to be a pedophile. It felt as if my esteem and confidence was tested and I wasn't capable to prove myself even once. I am confronted with that bugging feeling, that I was capable of making friends with many, including girls, but I will never be boyfriend material.

   And I though Ben was just trying to help, I guess he was just making it worse. He recently had an operation on his eyelids and was asking for my help in taking care of him. During that time, he was contemplating on giving Elena a chance, seeing how close she is with him and dropping so many hints. I told him and convinced him to go after her. The following day, I brought her along to visit him. What was initially a normal visit as friends ended up with them making out in the dark and expressing their love over a horror movie, and me being a third wheel over there. I couldn't take it any longer, and I knew it was my cue to leave. I told Ben I need to hurry home and asked him to send her off in a cab ( That is if he really wanted to that night). The moment I stepped out of his block, I burst out into a run. I just wanted to run far, far, far away from that place. I couldn't handle it. I just got my friend hitched again but I was never able to change my own fate. I felt hurt all so suddenly, really hurt. Even with all the things that I've done and I'm capable of doing, I wasn't able to find someone, anyone who was able to accept my flaws truthfully and never shuns me away like the plague. It was as if I was cursed to be like this and that my campmates were right. It was against my innate nature to give up, and I was angry and disappointed. He had everything perfectly in place, while I became the perfect disaster. The ride home was dreadful and I was holding back on all of those sadness for as long as I could possibly remember.

   As I was on my way back to hall yesterday, I had to spill the beans to Kira. And as I would expect, she broke into tears. She felt hurt and betrayed with what Ben had done and I was trying to console her as much as I can. It was only after what Kira told me about Elena, that I realised that I've made a fatal mistake. I've just instigated my own best friend to go after a girl was only going to play him out on his feelings. I immediately felt sick to my stomach, and I was desperately trying to find a way to talk to him personally until today. I needed to speak to him without her around because she doesn't have to know about this, and I'm not planning to be a third wheel again feeling down. Yet, he was constantly there with her and hooked onto her. There's honestly nothing much I can do about it.

   Later in the evening, I talked to Jereld about this and he too agrees with me that there's nothing much I can do about it. The only thing I can do now is to hope, wait and play it nice towards everybody (this unfortunately applies to my problems as well). And then he told me the ugly truth - that it was impossible to get who I wanted and it could be a long way before I can find that someone who understands me. As much as I am hurt and as much as I tried to change myself for the better, I have to accept myself and learn that this is something that I have to give up. I have to stop trying to find a suitable girl as it isn't because I wasn't able to find one, rather I needed the peace and I can't afford to be hurt any longer. The heart can only take just as much hurt, until it can't take anymore and becomes cold for good.

   Trying to distract my mind of all of this mayhem, I was thinking about my major. I was determined for Him to decide the right path for me so I was waiting for a sign, a hint from Him as to whether I should transfer out, where I should transfer out or should I stay. If I followed my gut feelings, I would've submitted my transfer papers to Economics right here right now but this time I want to make it different. I want to make the right decision for once. I'm tired of getting hurt from all the wrong decisions that I've made.

Epilogue

   It's funny how I still end up blogging about this on a Saturday night, sipping on a cup of hot chocolate on a rainy day. I figured after my previous post, my mind would've been cleared up and I was prepared to face whatever that's coming to me. But I was wrong, and I was still constantly thinking about it as I go along my holidays. I ended up being in the middle of this mess, just like how I thought it to be. Though it doesn't feel as painful as it is before, but the fact that I'm still thinking about it means that I haven't truly let go. I saw my friend getting hitched to a "playgirl", because of me. I saw another friend cried ever so hard in her life, knowing that my best friend just stabbed her in the back. I saw my friend making the biggest mistake of his life, diverging away and slowly falling in the trap I indirectly set up. I saw the person, whom I thought was my closest friend left me in the lurch, even as her birthday was today. I don't know what's right and wrong anymore. I saw that I was doing so much better in what I do now, not because I've learnt to let go, rather I was incapable of doing anything about it. Who is right and who is wrong? I seriously have no clue. And as this year comes to an end, I saw everybody that I was close with split apart right in front of me, leaving me with the ironic few whom I've never thought I would end up making good friends with.

   In short, I just want to reiterate it to both myself and the people reading this post that there are things which you can't outrun, the little things that you should learn to let go. It hurts, and it will continue to hurt. But if you want to find peace and accept yourself for who you are, you have to let it go and continue living your life. Try you best in everything you do but be aware that there's also so much that you can actually do. Learn to accept and let go, not because you are too weak to do anything about it, rather you need peace in your life. Leave it all to him, and God's willing He will give you the things you need at the right time...

"I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded; not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night."

Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner