First Leg

#1 : INFJ

I get it. Not many really understood my character, nor the things that are going in my head. Sometime, I don't even understand them myself. I have been trying to open up and explain what goes on inside of my head to the people around me, but somehow it'll only easier until they've experienced it themselves. It was then that I bumped into this article that (almost) perfectly describes my character and what makes me tick. The link: 

http://introvertdear.com/2016/01/12/the-dark-side-infj-personality-type/

There were 6 issues raised by the article (and for the record, I don't really like the emphatic tone of the article but never mind...). The first one was stubbornness. I have to admit, I tend to plan on a lot of stuff and it sometimes gets to me when there's always a change of plans. And yet, it goes beyond that. I really think I could be stubborn at times to admit to my mistakes sincerely. I mean, it's easier to just say that you are at fault to the people around you, but it feels so much harder to wrap your mind around it. To me, my mind would sometimes hover around - "It can't be that I was the only one at fault. He or she had their own mistakes as well but didn't I choose not to say it out loud? I mean I know I'm imperfect but don't you think you should cut me some slack?"

The second one was high expectation. It's true that although I didn't mentioned it, I do have a high expectation of myself in whatever that I do. I would think that it complements my stubbornness in not giving up in anything I do. Just like any other traits, it can work with you or against you. I have a tendency to beat myself up about things if I don't meet this "standards" in my mind. Essentially, I have this drive that will push me to achieve something, if I manage it properly. Otherwise it'll consume me instead and cause me to burn out, or lower my confidence level significantly around people.

The third one was moodiness. Simply put, I can be quite sensitive about the things around me and can get quickly swayed by emotions. I may try to put on a facade that everything's alright yet some would be able see past it. That doesn't mean that I wanted to talk about it though. Sometimes all I needed was an avenue to express my emotions and the things that have been bothering me. More often than not, I already had the solution all thought out but I just needed a place to vent it out, which brings to number 5 that you'll see later.

The fourth one is something that I may not necessarily relate to - Being harsh. Yet, I do know that I can be really, really harsh to people when I'm pushed to my limits. And probably I have the tendency to come off as being unemphatic due to not thinking before I speak. Then again, what the article said is true. Notwithstanding all of this, I was never malicious.

The fifth one is the part that happens if I'm pushed to my emotional limits. I have the tendency to be angry and irrational in the things that I say or do when it comes to this point. And more often than not, I would feel bad about blowing up like that after a while. This precedes the sixth one, where I'll only end up severing contact with the said person/people if I'm unable to take it any longer. I'll just remain quiet, bottle it all up, try to clear the air, explode somehow and just walk away cutting them off altogether in my life. That is me alright.

Which brings to part 2 of this post..

#2 : Speak now or and forever hold your peace

When the real analysis class ended, I knew that I've finally reach a checkpoint in the semester. Recess week was suppose to be a break to recuperate and come back energised for the second half of this battle. But my mind was straying away into the past. My mind was not at peace. It's easy to say the "ifs" and "buts" in this case, yet the fact still remains. What's done is done and there's nothing much I can do about it.

It had boiled down to that one weekend. That moment. Had I've given him a call instead of talking things out through texting, this may not have happened. I knew I was at fault and he was trying to point out my mistakes, yet I held my tongue for the first time at that point. I didn't want to be defensive nor stubborn. I was sincerely wanting to see where can I improve. I was trying to stop myself from saying something that I'll regret at that point in time. It was apparent that I have the habit of saying things without thinking, He asked me whether I got anything to say but I told him that I needed time. Little did I know that it'll be the last talk we had as proper friends.

I guess what Atiqah and Afie said to me were true - that I shouldn't have bury this conversation as if it didn't happened, even if I took his advises. Because he was expecting something from me; he was waiting for me to react and say something. Afie reassured him that talking it out with me is the solution, and in his shoes it may have looked like it backfired.

Things were snowballing from bad to worse. I guess I didn't change enough and I may have offended people again, though I have been fervently apologising to them for no apparent reasons whatsoever. The family outing of Samir came by, and due to him not replying to my confirmation text, I went over to Ben's place to celebrate instead. 

I tried to soothe the mood within the group (and since all of them had ever came by school bringing food) by whipping up porridge using my mum's recipe. Yet, when everybody had tasted and commended on the porridge, I saw him just keeping it there, not wanting to even try some. I have a feeling it was a lost cause. Atiqah advised me further to clear things up or forever hold my peace. I wanted to; I've been wanting closure for the longest time. But Production was close, and I didn't want to bog him down with such emotions. I waited, holding back again.

Production day came, and he was still cold towards me. I went away with the rest of the group after his show for dinner, knowing well that I couldn't afford it. When Syafiq took the tab for me, I knew that they may have noticed me being broke at that point in time. It didn't mattered at first, until the following day I took a picture of the dinner Ben treated me to, and when I finally spoke up to Samir and explained to him, he told me that I have some explaining to do to the group. It was at that point in time that I realised I've reached the end of the line.

Now, I looked at them and I start to see my old clique in them. When I tried to create a conversation with Samir, he killed it, just like how Jia Wei was towards me. From the outside, it seems more and more apparent that they have taken his side and I don't blame them - I was at fault since the start of this whole mess. Syafiq, assuming that he may have already knew all about this, had become like Junyi - still capable of talking and joking with me, but he's part of the group anyway. It's like a de ja vu of last semester, and now I'm back to being often alone in school trying to survive.

Samir once promised me that it'll never happen that way; my fears were unwarranted. He told me that this time we're doing the group project together and nothing would go wrong. He told me that this time I am much stronger. He comforted me that I have them now to turn to, and they will never do the same thing as what my previous group of friends did to me. I suppose that's not going to happen then.

So what now? Now that the first half is over, what am I going to do? Interestingly, when I looked back at what I just typed, all I can see was the mistakes that I've made. That I was the one that had put myself in this mess. If it really plays out the way it was the last time, it'll end with me leaving the group and fighting this war alone. Maybe it's better this way, before I hurt anyone else further. But, will it really end this way? 

Is there a solution to this? Yes. When there is no one else to turn to, I have to learnt to turn to Him first. Doa, tawakal, and make an effort to change my situation. Even the best of prophets are faced with the challenge of faith and patience, and now this is my challenge. I've to be patient and do the right thing, even when I'm all alone in this. I won't be tried something that is beyond my abilities; with hardship there is surely relief. I've to keep reminding myself from now on.

P.S :  I was penning this down on my way to Ben's place today. I had to ditch Member's night to find some alone time to reflect. It was only then that Ben told me that he was going through the same internal obstacle and was looking to find himself again. I don't know how, but I told him this - Forgive yourself and the person. Not because either one of you were at fault, rather you need to be in peace with yourself.

Understanding

   Let's start with a simple context - It's 9.26 pm. I've still got 3 more tutorials to cover, a competition to train for in a month, quizzes to prepare for and the list goes on. And here I am still attempting to blog before I blow apart into full on depression. To put it bluntly, I'm tired and I'm hurt. I feel like dying for the first time in a very long time. Do I know the reason why? Of course I do. But will anyone understand? Not, unless if I open up to them. But each time I start to soften my heart and open up to someone, they'd go around and stab me in the back over and over again. And that wound is getting more and more numb with each impale. So much so that I've virtually stopped trusting anyone fully with anything.

   To be honest, I've got lots to say but this pain that I'm feeling seems to precedes everything else. It's a combination of many things that keep coming into my mind. Not that I don't know overthinking was my weakness, it's just that each time I dissed it off it just keeps coming back to me. There is this void inside of me. Something I can't fathom. I don't know why but I keep feeling unhappy with myself. From all the work undone, making mistakes for a temporary high as well as misusing my own abilities, losing my drive to compete, and the constant paranoia of losing the ones I care. I have no clue, with every shot that I take and every card that I took, I keep feeling as if I was making a big mistake.

   And as if that wasn't enough, I was still daring to dream. I suppose it was obvious enough what her decision was the last time I did this, and yet I still yearned to put up a chase again. And it's not only her. Why do I still try to chase after them whereas the more I tried, the more they ran away? The words of Akash back at camp kept ringing in my head; I recall Din's words after our duty like it was said yesterday. Will I be that "40 year old Physics teacher who is a sex predator or will learn to love only when I'm in a forced marriage"? Is it so bad that I am clueless about relationships and PDA, notwithstanding how much I've helped others with their own relationships and happiness?

   I felt somewhat stuck between using the word "useless" and "stupid" to express myself. Samir opened up about his unhappiness with me a while back, and I suppose that all of my flaws were true and were hurting others. Yet, what was I suppose to do? I'm just lost. Why can't he trust me to do the right thing? I know that I don't portray myself to be one with maturity but does that mean I have to be spoon-fed all the time or get constantly worried upon? I feel like crying, crying out as hard as I can because I'm really confused. And most of all, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of my future. Yes, I believe He holds and decides my fate. But I keep getting this constant worry, this constant fear that what He chooses for me won't be something nice nor good. But, there's the contradiction! He's always fair and just. He will always choose what is good for me. Yet, I am terrified and worried to let go.

   That night, after Samir told me the words that I was expecting to hear, I thought I was able to handle it well. It was only when this sudden anger just burst at home when I was talking to my mum that I knew I wasn't able to come in terms with it. Why it was so easy for normal people to understand each other and trust that they'll do the right thing, but not so when it comes to me? I know, I don't even understand myself to begin with. But the sh** that I've been through these past few years could at least warrant me the trust to get things done correctly right? Why do I have to keep justifying myself for wherever I go and for whatever I do? Do I really need to tell people when I'm sad; do I need their empathy? Do I need to complain my woes to everyone or on Facebook so that people would finally understand that it's hard to be me, that it's hard to juggle being a son, a brother, a teacher, a student, a friend, the man of the family, the sole breadwinner with no end in sight?!

   I don't know how much longer will I be able to hold up this smiley face and light hearted personality, deluding myself that I'm actually happy, contented and positive. Every single day, I see couples. I see happy families. I see friends that are closely knit. And I don't have any of those. I see my sister's autism after I bailed her out, and it break my heart so badly. She's like that because of my dysfunctional family. I see myself and it hurts, knowing how much I've tried to keep myself together, to keep believing that someday it'll be okay.

   I recall being counselled in my secondary school days, and the counsellor asked me as to whether I've ever had suicidal thoughts before. I told her everyday."If so, what's stopping you from jumping off the ledge?" I replied - Religion.