Understanding

   Let's start with a simple context - It's 9.26 pm. I've still got 3 more tutorials to cover, a competition to train for in a month, quizzes to prepare for and the list goes on. And here I am still attempting to blog before I blow apart into full on depression. To put it bluntly, I'm tired and I'm hurt. I feel like dying for the first time in a very long time. Do I know the reason why? Of course I do. But will anyone understand? Not, unless if I open up to them. But each time I start to soften my heart and open up to someone, they'd go around and stab me in the back over and over again. And that wound is getting more and more numb with each impale. So much so that I've virtually stopped trusting anyone fully with anything.

   To be honest, I've got lots to say but this pain that I'm feeling seems to precedes everything else. It's a combination of many things that keep coming into my mind. Not that I don't know overthinking was my weakness, it's just that each time I dissed it off it just keeps coming back to me. There is this void inside of me. Something I can't fathom. I don't know why but I keep feeling unhappy with myself. From all the work undone, making mistakes for a temporary high as well as misusing my own abilities, losing my drive to compete, and the constant paranoia of losing the ones I care. I have no clue, with every shot that I take and every card that I took, I keep feeling as if I was making a big mistake.

   And as if that wasn't enough, I was still daring to dream. I suppose it was obvious enough what her decision was the last time I did this, and yet I still yearned to put up a chase again. And it's not only her. Why do I still try to chase after them whereas the more I tried, the more they ran away? The words of Akash back at camp kept ringing in my head; I recall Din's words after our duty like it was said yesterday. Will I be that "40 year old Physics teacher who is a sex predator or will learn to love only when I'm in a forced marriage"? Is it so bad that I am clueless about relationships and PDA, notwithstanding how much I've helped others with their own relationships and happiness?

   I felt somewhat stuck between using the word "useless" and "stupid" to express myself. Samir opened up about his unhappiness with me a while back, and I suppose that all of my flaws were true and were hurting others. Yet, what was I suppose to do? I'm just lost. Why can't he trust me to do the right thing? I know that I don't portray myself to be one with maturity but does that mean I have to be spoon-fed all the time or get constantly worried upon? I feel like crying, crying out as hard as I can because I'm really confused. And most of all, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of my future. Yes, I believe He holds and decides my fate. But I keep getting this constant worry, this constant fear that what He chooses for me won't be something nice nor good. But, there's the contradiction! He's always fair and just. He will always choose what is good for me. Yet, I am terrified and worried to let go.

   That night, after Samir told me the words that I was expecting to hear, I thought I was able to handle it well. It was only when this sudden anger just burst at home when I was talking to my mum that I knew I wasn't able to come in terms with it. Why it was so easy for normal people to understand each other and trust that they'll do the right thing, but not so when it comes to me? I know, I don't even understand myself to begin with. But the sh** that I've been through these past few years could at least warrant me the trust to get things done correctly right? Why do I have to keep justifying myself for wherever I go and for whatever I do? Do I really need to tell people when I'm sad; do I need their empathy? Do I need to complain my woes to everyone or on Facebook so that people would finally understand that it's hard to be me, that it's hard to juggle being a son, a brother, a teacher, a student, a friend, the man of the family, the sole breadwinner with no end in sight?!

   I don't know how much longer will I be able to hold up this smiley face and light hearted personality, deluding myself that I'm actually happy, contented and positive. Every single day, I see couples. I see happy families. I see friends that are closely knit. And I don't have any of those. I see my sister's autism after I bailed her out, and it break my heart so badly. She's like that because of my dysfunctional family. I see myself and it hurts, knowing how much I've tried to keep myself together, to keep believing that someday it'll be okay.

   I recall being counselled in my secondary school days, and the counsellor asked me as to whether I've ever had suicidal thoughts before. I told her everyday."If so, what's stopping you from jumping off the ledge?" I replied - Religion.