First Leg

#1 : INFJ

I get it. Not many really understood my character, nor the things that are going in my head. Sometime, I don't even understand them myself. I have been trying to open up and explain what goes on inside of my head to the people around me, but somehow it'll only easier until they've experienced it themselves. It was then that I bumped into this article that (almost) perfectly describes my character and what makes me tick. The link: 

http://introvertdear.com/2016/01/12/the-dark-side-infj-personality-type/

There were 6 issues raised by the article (and for the record, I don't really like the emphatic tone of the article but never mind...). The first one was stubbornness. I have to admit, I tend to plan on a lot of stuff and it sometimes gets to me when there's always a change of plans. And yet, it goes beyond that. I really think I could be stubborn at times to admit to my mistakes sincerely. I mean, it's easier to just say that you are at fault to the people around you, but it feels so much harder to wrap your mind around it. To me, my mind would sometimes hover around - "It can't be that I was the only one at fault. He or she had their own mistakes as well but didn't I choose not to say it out loud? I mean I know I'm imperfect but don't you think you should cut me some slack?"

The second one was high expectation. It's true that although I didn't mentioned it, I do have a high expectation of myself in whatever that I do. I would think that it complements my stubbornness in not giving up in anything I do. Just like any other traits, it can work with you or against you. I have a tendency to beat myself up about things if I don't meet this "standards" in my mind. Essentially, I have this drive that will push me to achieve something, if I manage it properly. Otherwise it'll consume me instead and cause me to burn out, or lower my confidence level significantly around people.

The third one was moodiness. Simply put, I can be quite sensitive about the things around me and can get quickly swayed by emotions. I may try to put on a facade that everything's alright yet some would be able see past it. That doesn't mean that I wanted to talk about it though. Sometimes all I needed was an avenue to express my emotions and the things that have been bothering me. More often than not, I already had the solution all thought out but I just needed a place to vent it out, which brings to number 5 that you'll see later.

The fourth one is something that I may not necessarily relate to - Being harsh. Yet, I do know that I can be really, really harsh to people when I'm pushed to my limits. And probably I have the tendency to come off as being unemphatic due to not thinking before I speak. Then again, what the article said is true. Notwithstanding all of this, I was never malicious.

The fifth one is the part that happens if I'm pushed to my emotional limits. I have the tendency to be angry and irrational in the things that I say or do when it comes to this point. And more often than not, I would feel bad about blowing up like that after a while. This precedes the sixth one, where I'll only end up severing contact with the said person/people if I'm unable to take it any longer. I'll just remain quiet, bottle it all up, try to clear the air, explode somehow and just walk away cutting them off altogether in my life. That is me alright.

Which brings to part 2 of this post..

#2 : Speak now or and forever hold your peace

When the real analysis class ended, I knew that I've finally reach a checkpoint in the semester. Recess week was suppose to be a break to recuperate and come back energised for the second half of this battle. But my mind was straying away into the past. My mind was not at peace. It's easy to say the "ifs" and "buts" in this case, yet the fact still remains. What's done is done and there's nothing much I can do about it.

It had boiled down to that one weekend. That moment. Had I've given him a call instead of talking things out through texting, this may not have happened. I knew I was at fault and he was trying to point out my mistakes, yet I held my tongue for the first time at that point. I didn't want to be defensive nor stubborn. I was sincerely wanting to see where can I improve. I was trying to stop myself from saying something that I'll regret at that point in time. It was apparent that I have the habit of saying things without thinking, He asked me whether I got anything to say but I told him that I needed time. Little did I know that it'll be the last talk we had as proper friends.

I guess what Atiqah and Afie said to me were true - that I shouldn't have bury this conversation as if it didn't happened, even if I took his advises. Because he was expecting something from me; he was waiting for me to react and say something. Afie reassured him that talking it out with me is the solution, and in his shoes it may have looked like it backfired.

Things were snowballing from bad to worse. I guess I didn't change enough and I may have offended people again, though I have been fervently apologising to them for no apparent reasons whatsoever. The family outing of Samir came by, and due to him not replying to my confirmation text, I went over to Ben's place to celebrate instead. 

I tried to soothe the mood within the group (and since all of them had ever came by school bringing food) by whipping up porridge using my mum's recipe. Yet, when everybody had tasted and commended on the porridge, I saw him just keeping it there, not wanting to even try some. I have a feeling it was a lost cause. Atiqah advised me further to clear things up or forever hold my peace. I wanted to; I've been wanting closure for the longest time. But Production was close, and I didn't want to bog him down with such emotions. I waited, holding back again.

Production day came, and he was still cold towards me. I went away with the rest of the group after his show for dinner, knowing well that I couldn't afford it. When Syafiq took the tab for me, I knew that they may have noticed me being broke at that point in time. It didn't mattered at first, until the following day I took a picture of the dinner Ben treated me to, and when I finally spoke up to Samir and explained to him, he told me that I have some explaining to do to the group. It was at that point in time that I realised I've reached the end of the line.

Now, I looked at them and I start to see my old clique in them. When I tried to create a conversation with Samir, he killed it, just like how Jia Wei was towards me. From the outside, it seems more and more apparent that they have taken his side and I don't blame them - I was at fault since the start of this whole mess. Syafiq, assuming that he may have already knew all about this, had become like Junyi - still capable of talking and joking with me, but he's part of the group anyway. It's like a de ja vu of last semester, and now I'm back to being often alone in school trying to survive.

Samir once promised me that it'll never happen that way; my fears were unwarranted. He told me that this time we're doing the group project together and nothing would go wrong. He told me that this time I am much stronger. He comforted me that I have them now to turn to, and they will never do the same thing as what my previous group of friends did to me. I suppose that's not going to happen then.

So what now? Now that the first half is over, what am I going to do? Interestingly, when I looked back at what I just typed, all I can see was the mistakes that I've made. That I was the one that had put myself in this mess. If it really plays out the way it was the last time, it'll end with me leaving the group and fighting this war alone. Maybe it's better this way, before I hurt anyone else further. But, will it really end this way? 

Is there a solution to this? Yes. When there is no one else to turn to, I have to learnt to turn to Him first. Doa, tawakal, and make an effort to change my situation. Even the best of prophets are faced with the challenge of faith and patience, and now this is my challenge. I've to be patient and do the right thing, even when I'm all alone in this. I won't be tried something that is beyond my abilities; with hardship there is surely relief. I've to keep reminding myself from now on.

P.S :  I was penning this down on my way to Ben's place today. I had to ditch Member's night to find some alone time to reflect. It was only then that Ben told me that he was going through the same internal obstacle and was looking to find himself again. I don't know how, but I told him this - Forgive yourself and the person. Not because either one of you were at fault, rather you need to be in peace with yourself.

Understanding

   Let's start with a simple context - It's 9.26 pm. I've still got 3 more tutorials to cover, a competition to train for in a month, quizzes to prepare for and the list goes on. And here I am still attempting to blog before I blow apart into full on depression. To put it bluntly, I'm tired and I'm hurt. I feel like dying for the first time in a very long time. Do I know the reason why? Of course I do. But will anyone understand? Not, unless if I open up to them. But each time I start to soften my heart and open up to someone, they'd go around and stab me in the back over and over again. And that wound is getting more and more numb with each impale. So much so that I've virtually stopped trusting anyone fully with anything.

   To be honest, I've got lots to say but this pain that I'm feeling seems to precedes everything else. It's a combination of many things that keep coming into my mind. Not that I don't know overthinking was my weakness, it's just that each time I dissed it off it just keeps coming back to me. There is this void inside of me. Something I can't fathom. I don't know why but I keep feeling unhappy with myself. From all the work undone, making mistakes for a temporary high as well as misusing my own abilities, losing my drive to compete, and the constant paranoia of losing the ones I care. I have no clue, with every shot that I take and every card that I took, I keep feeling as if I was making a big mistake.

   And as if that wasn't enough, I was still daring to dream. I suppose it was obvious enough what her decision was the last time I did this, and yet I still yearned to put up a chase again. And it's not only her. Why do I still try to chase after them whereas the more I tried, the more they ran away? The words of Akash back at camp kept ringing in my head; I recall Din's words after our duty like it was said yesterday. Will I be that "40 year old Physics teacher who is a sex predator or will learn to love only when I'm in a forced marriage"? Is it so bad that I am clueless about relationships and PDA, notwithstanding how much I've helped others with their own relationships and happiness?

   I felt somewhat stuck between using the word "useless" and "stupid" to express myself. Samir opened up about his unhappiness with me a while back, and I suppose that all of my flaws were true and were hurting others. Yet, what was I suppose to do? I'm just lost. Why can't he trust me to do the right thing? I know that I don't portray myself to be one with maturity but does that mean I have to be spoon-fed all the time or get constantly worried upon? I feel like crying, crying out as hard as I can because I'm really confused. And most of all, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of my future. Yes, I believe He holds and decides my fate. But I keep getting this constant worry, this constant fear that what He chooses for me won't be something nice nor good. But, there's the contradiction! He's always fair and just. He will always choose what is good for me. Yet, I am terrified and worried to let go.

   That night, after Samir told me the words that I was expecting to hear, I thought I was able to handle it well. It was only when this sudden anger just burst at home when I was talking to my mum that I knew I wasn't able to come in terms with it. Why it was so easy for normal people to understand each other and trust that they'll do the right thing, but not so when it comes to me? I know, I don't even understand myself to begin with. But the sh** that I've been through these past few years could at least warrant me the trust to get things done correctly right? Why do I have to keep justifying myself for wherever I go and for whatever I do? Do I really need to tell people when I'm sad; do I need their empathy? Do I need to complain my woes to everyone or on Facebook so that people would finally understand that it's hard to be me, that it's hard to juggle being a son, a brother, a teacher, a student, a friend, the man of the family, the sole breadwinner with no end in sight?!

   I don't know how much longer will I be able to hold up this smiley face and light hearted personality, deluding myself that I'm actually happy, contented and positive. Every single day, I see couples. I see happy families. I see friends that are closely knit. And I don't have any of those. I see my sister's autism after I bailed her out, and it break my heart so badly. She's like that because of my dysfunctional family. I see myself and it hurts, knowing how much I've tried to keep myself together, to keep believing that someday it'll be okay.

   I recall being counselled in my secondary school days, and the counsellor asked me as to whether I've ever had suicidal thoughts before. I told her everyday."If so, what's stopping you from jumping off the ledge?" I replied - Religion.

Statistically Speaking

   So why blog? Why do I still talk about my experiences over here, whereas I've mentioned that I've finally gotten the answer on how can I resolve all of this? This blog goes beyond the means of sharing my experiences; it was an avenue for me to express my feelings without much restrictions and a form of reminder for me from time to time. To be honest, I do look forward to one day looking back at this blog, and wonder why and how may I have felt that way at that point in time. To be honest, my life is actually mundane, and there's barely anything that is exciting about it. Yet, I felt that the struggles I'm facing, the things that I've went through, the moments of ups and downs that I've seen go by, are experiences worth talking about. And the only thing constant in life is change. I want to depict that change in this blog of mine.

   So why it took me so long to get back onto this blog? With the Finals and internal issues that was going on, I found myself in a familiar territory that is being busy. Yet, when the final paper was done, and the winter break officially starts, I find myself with ample of time in my hands. Of course there was Archery and Board Games but on other days, such as today, I find myself lazing around at home doing nothing.

   With that being said, let's get back to the crux of the post - Wrapping up Y2S1. If I can summarise this semester in a phrase, it would be 3 months of rights and wrongs.

#1 : The horror 

"Suffering is a gift. In it is hidden mercy."

~ Rumi

   Studies wise, it had been a horror for me after the recess week leading up to the Finals. I made a huge mistake of skipping too many tutorials and burning out. International Monetary Economics, a module that I was taking during the semester requires me to do up a term paper and presentation with OJW, Yunxuan and Jereld. I was adamant that I would not be affected by her and her attitude towards me. Apparently that wasn't true in the end. Furthermore, I was skipping more and more Stats classes just because she was there, and that I couldn't strengthen my resolve to let things go. Meanwhile, Calculus III was going to an all time low after a change in lecturer, so much so only 3-5 people attended his lectures. Ronald, my Calculus tutor, was helpful though but I ended up taking his 8.30 am class that turns out to be a big mistake for me. I was backed to a corner to use the textbooks instead for revision, and had to start from scratch. Yet, it was not as easy as it seems. Whenever I wanted to focus on both of this modules, I will be pulled back by projects from Computing, Chinese and the weekly quizzes from Natural Hazards.

   At the beginning of the semester, I was so sure that 18 AUs (That's how we tabulate our workload for the semester) would be manageable for me, given how much I suffered through 21 AUs for the past 2 semesters. Apparently my burnout had given me more work than usual, and I find it hard for me to get up after the fall. 3 weeks before the finals, when I've met Samir and the rest, I was determine to never give up even though I may have to start from scratch. Yet, even my plans back then were flawed, and by the time the Finals came, I was sorely lacking in practice although I had cleared most of the chapters that were taught already. Henceforth, it became a nightmare for me to go into the exams for the first time unprepared like that.

   I was in a familiar place. This feeling brought me back all the way to Sec 2, when I struggled to even write anything on the exam papers. I was delirious, hurt and depressed at one point. It came to an all time low for me when I had a nervous breakdown every now and then leading up to the Finals. Yet, in the midst of all this, I was constantly telling myself that taking an MC for the papers is not an option. I was going to go in, prepared or unprepared as I am.

   The first paper was IME, and I made a huge mistake of taking too much time on the multiple choice questions and not tapping into my strengths of essays at the last part of the paper. In addition, I was stubborn to have slept at 3 am for a morning paper, knowing that I run a possibility of getting myself too tired for the paper. I came out of the hall with a familiar feeling of helplessness and "what if's" in my mind. I tried to bounce back up through my next paper - Natural hazards, and I was successful in clearing the paper with ease. I knew that my strength was in Geography, and thank God I was right. I was motivated to go through the final 2 papers.

   The day before my Calculus paper, I was still trying to clear up the remaining chapters and was seriously hoping for an easy paper to survive this. I came back hall crying, and praying hard that I can find something inside of me to finish this paper off. My prayers had been answered, when the paper looks familiar to me and I was striving hard to capture as much marks as possible from the paper. When the bell sounded, and I looked back at the paper, I realised that it may not be enough for me to pass the paper in the first place. But I was contented that I had tried my best.

    I had only a 12 hour gap to my final paper - Statistics. And I was so sure that I was more ready for the paper than the previous one. The stakes were higher for me, since I had taken an MC for the 3rd quiz and the percentage was higher for me. I get started on my cheat sheets and cleared the remaining chapters, yet as the time goes by I can feel the growing sense of helplessness inside of me. I can sense that it was a lost cause for me, since I had skipped way too much tutorials for this. Syafiq was willing me to go on, but I was burning out again. I couldn't MC this one as well, as it would cause a backlog towards my degree. I had to go into the paper on way or another.

   The following day would be something I will never forget for the rest of my life. It was like all the effort from the past decade leading up to this had gone down the drain. I sat there, stoned and couldn't move my pen to even attempt the questions on the Statistics paper. The first question was a giveaway, but the following ones seemed to have hit me so hard that even my cheat sheets doesn't even make sense to me. I know, that given time and my determination, I could have done the paper on another day. But I looked stupid on that day, and all I did, all that I can do was to run the time down in any way to end my misery. I honestly wanted to cry; I was tired and spent after a week of battle. It was at that moment that I realised my run has come to an end. When the bell rang, I knew that it is nearly impossible for me to get anything from this.

   I didn't have the mood to celebrate the end of the battle, nor Deborah's birthday. To me, I was already dead. I simply came back to my hall, and wanted to hide there forever.

#2 Shifting in circles

   In the midst of all of this, there had been a change in the circle of friends that I hung out with. All too suddenly, I became closer to Samir, Syafiq and his group of friends, especially nearing to my Finals. Meanwhile on the other side, I was beginning to find it had to stand the fakeness of my clique. It was a group of 12 people, and within them they were also split. I knew the demographics of the group - who can't stand who, who is already attached and to whom, and a rough idea of where everyone was standing. Don't get me wrong, my anger was not against Junyi, Deborah, Cheryl nor any one of them. I don't have anything against them, though I know that they may or may not have something against me. It is not in my place to judge, and I would say sorry to them if I did them wrong. I still had a problem with OJW, and the stories that she's concocting. I felt that the ball was already on their court to choose between me and OJW, and they had made their decision.

   Back outside after the Statistics paper, they already had plans to celebrate Deborah's birthday at a cafe at Tiong Bahru and invited me as well. I was with all of them, yet I felt left out. My emotions had already been too much these past few days to endure more of the fakeness from OJW, the fake preference of Joey being a part of them, the secrets between this group and that group, and the laughters as if they are fine with everything. I ended up concocting an excuse to skip the party in the end to find some time alone.

   Meanwhile, there is the other group of people who ended up being there for me. I was reluctant at first to tell Samir about my "death" from Statistics. I was planning to just meet him in the evening to talk it out instead and to not be a burden with my problems, at least that's how I felt at that time. Little did I know that he immediately rushed out of his house just to meet me in school, following by Afiqah who drove back to school because of me. I didn't know how I was suppose to feel by that.

    Essentially, I have two groups of friends and I felt the need to only get close to one of them. These bunch of people were there for me when I was facing my worse, while those were only there when I was happy and laughing. These guys are willing to look past my flaws and advise me through my problems, while the others were only there for me to hang out with and be silent from time to time. I was more involved with one group, while I was slowly dissipating away from another.

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life - It goes on."

~ Robert Frost  

#3 Road to SP open

   

   Simply put, SAOC was embarrasing for me and I knew I was capable of better. The next competition for me was far way into end January, but I feel the need to prepare for it and redeem myself from now onwards. Somewhere in the middle of this would be the archery initiation camp a.k.a Tekan Session, where I think I will be tested physically again, though it would be a super great way for me to bond with the rest of the team again.

   Yet, the road seems harder than it looks. I tried putting up a diet regime and planned to run the night before every archery training. And it was only the first attempt at it that I felt really washed with exhaustion after all of this. In addition, it seems harder for me to keep up with the training schedule with work and outings starts to crop out.

   I sat down and looked at my archery scores and timetable. As I wrote down my goals for the next SP Open - To make it into the top 16 for the IKO's and to go in until the semis for the TKO's, I felt that it would be really hard for me to match up with the likes of Wayne, Jian Hui and Erwin to be in the top spot. Doing the math, I knew that I would need to train even harder to be better than all of them. Last season, I ended 9th, but I was nowhere close into going for the IKO's. I wasn't even qualified for the TKO's in the end. I was determine to change that, as well as to redeem myself after SAOC.

#4 Meanwhile in the gaming scene...

   Another huge part of this semester was Fast Forward. After the FOC, many people dropped out of the club because, well, it was a board games club afterall. The ones that were left were quickly sucked into the politics of the club, and they too created politics of their own. Karissa, who has a character of being touchy around people including guy friends, had been a source of controversy when she tries to get close to Jason and his friends. They felt that she's influencing him, and that she was too attached to him and his group of friends. She revealed that she was interested in him, but it was a one sided affair. And he's beginning to avoid her for it. I wanted to console her and be nice to her, but these kind of things are hard to swallow and I feel like I had to give her more space instead.

   Meanwhile, after the major fallout between me and Angie, the "common enemy" truce I had with Zhen Hui, followed by me being good friends with Angie again, I felt pressured by her again after I decided to join her in the board games committee. Essentially, yes I respect her love for board games and the club but I don't share her extreme enthusiasm or her overbearing behavior. with all the things that has been going on around me right now, the last thing on my mind is board gaming and the events that I have to look into. To me, these guys in the committee can be great friends and fun to hang out with, but I just don't feel like I have chemistry with them entirely. I don't deny that they were super nice to me, especially during my birthday when they came out to celebrate with me (one up against even my course mate clique), but I just feel that I don't share all their enthusiasm in board games. I can go on for one or two games, but I ain't a hard core. And I suppose I don't fit in either after a while.

Epilogue

   I was suppose to post this yesterday, but I wasn't able to finish it in time. I met Samir again today after Friday prayers to have lunch, and turns out he have something to share with me. Now recalled that he rushed out to meet me after my horrendous Stats paper? Turns out there's more to that part.

   Interestingly, I was getting to know Samir's clique ever since EFOC, what with Steph, Meiyee and Reynard were my fellow GLs, and Liang Wei was someone who had a similar character as I am. Simply put, Samir was going through what I've already gone through with Junyi and the rest of the group. It was the last straw of his clique, and apparently Liang Wei, to clear things up with him and understand what makes him dissipate away from the group on that day. There had already been misunderstandings between him and them, especially after he chose to celebrate his birthday with us instead of them. My thoughts at that moment when Samir told me this was "He was suppose to meet them instead of me on that day. He was suppose to clear things out with Liang Wei on that day, and I came in between them just because I was feeling down after my own mistakes on the Statistics paper. They were close friends, and now because of this and many other things they want to call it quits. Samir wants to do what I did a semester ago. When Liang Wei really flies off, it'll be even harder for him to patch things up with them ever again."

    I can' help but to just keep quiet, and he knew I would have felt this way. I didn't want anyone to be involved with my failures; I was so used to consoling myself when I was down. People who I care needed me, and I swear I'll try my best to be there for them. But I don't feel the need for them to keep being there for me when I was down instead. I was suppose to be the strong one here, a pillar of strength and hope for them. I was suppose to be a defender for them, not for them to see me sad or worse, cry. I was so used with the notion - nobody really cares whether you're sad or happy; it's a cruel world out there and you have to deal with it. And now, to make matters worse, I feel like I've just made someone leave their clique just for my sake. I felt like selfish person, and that disappoints me.

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."

~ J.K Rowling 

   
   This post was a combination of the many things that were on my mind over a span of few days. Some of them were emotionally driven based on my state of mind at that point in time. Others were more logical instead. Either way, I'd like to thank you for reading this super long post of mine, wrapping up Y2S1 officially. Things will get better, that's one thing for sure. But for now, it seems like I need to focus on getting myself back on track again, and to probably keep more things to myself next time. I don't anybody to be sad because of me anymore. :)