How I Learned To Stop Worrying

   2nd June. Nothing so fancy about the date nor any special occasion. It's just that I feel more calm and refreshed after my flu virus and chest infection last week. I was suppose to know my second semester results today, but I've gotten hostel fees that are overdue and I may need to clear them soon enough. As I was saying, for some reason  I'm gotten more calm and composed rather than my usual overthinking self. This is how I learned to stop worrying.

   It was right after the Vertical Marathon organised by my school and the clique wanted to have a salad lunch at The Rabbit's Hole (apparently they had some discounts in the goodie bags they received).I was already not feeling good but I insisted that I'm okay, thinking that it would just be uncool just to go off that early. Boy, if I had a chance to change that I would. When I got home after spending that afternoon gaming with them, I've gone into a full blown flu. And little did I know that it's a flu virus. Such a sickness have an effect on you, especially when it lands you in the hospital, leading you to think that you may die any moment now. And in that instance when I was in the hospital, I realised that there are more important stuff in this world other than studies, work or even money. It became an importance for me to solve the conflict within myself and learn how to accept myself.

   When I got discharged for NUH and gotten my much needed rest, I made it a point to solve the problems that I am facing with myself. Whatever that Ben was saying to me, that I was lacking charisma and that I cared too much about what other may feel, it was constantly playing in my head. And now I am working on that as we speak. I'm trying to stop my inner judgement of others and get to know them well enough first. I know that a relationship between me and Sarah is nearly impossible and I am ready to move on. I felt the need to stop chasing or hoping to find a girlfriend as it was never the right place and right time to do so. When it comes, it comes. And as with my results, I've applied for a full Economics major so that I can have more choices in the modules that I want to do. And if it fails, it would just mean that I was destined for this course, and I'm ready to put on my fullest fight for this course without turning my back anymore. I know that the road is tough, yet I also know that I won't be alone this time if I'm fighting for the right cause. I'm making a decision for myself, for my family and never for the people around me anymore. I'm prepared to breakaway from my clique.

   Acceptance is key, and it's something I'm working on. I wanna stop worrying and be more confident of my future. I wanna be happy and proud of who I am. And I'm going live up to my promise. I'm doing the best I can, given the situation that I'm in.

   In a few weeks to come, there will be the training camps for the NUS Indoor Championships and Seniors Camp. I've to be prepared and motivated to be a changed person. I understand that it's hard and it'll take baby steps, but I must start somewhere now don't I? 

Time

Prologue :

   I was queueing up for another cup of coffee at my school's Starbucks on a late Wednesday afternoon. It was after my Calculus final paper and my out-of-frustration shooting practice. As I was zoning out to my playlist again, the barista tried to make small talk with me. He was insisting that he could guess what my name is, given that I was a regular customer there. It was only when I passed him my gold card that he recalled. 

   "Ohh Aziz. Haha when I hear that name I will always remember about Yusuf."

   "Yusuf? Why? I'll most likely recall my name as one of the 99 names of God..."

   "Haha yup you're right. It's one of the names of Allah. But I would usually relate it to Al Aziz, his wife, Zulaikha and Yusuf."

   He goes on to tell a portion of the story, which in turn I googled it right after my coffee order. Apparently his wife tried to rape Yusuf due to his immense beauty and accused him of rape instead. Yusuf, although innocent, was thrown into prison by Al Aziz although he could see that the tear on Yusuf's shirt was not at the front, but at the back. Eventually his name was cleared by God's will and as a reward for his patience. Patience. Sigh, that's something I has a long way to learn.

Another dilemma :

   Once again, I took a long break from blogging to focus on other things. Where am I now? The first week of finals. The 11th hour. Yes call me crazy because I choose the most ungodly hour to update my blog. As I alway said before, there were so many instances where I'd wished I could blog it out but I was too busy to do so. And it is only now that I think it's imperative that I let it all out and force myself to think rationally for once. It was a combination of everything - from the open talks I had with my mum, the undulating feelings I have about myself, the way I've reacted towards others, and up until the moment when I blew my Calculus paper like the atomic bomb today.

   It was in that moment when you did everything you could but you see the walls come crashing down, no matter how hard you tried. It's inevitable and ironically, you saw it coming. You willed yourself to never give up as it was your nature not to, but there was nothing you can do about it. You hated quitting, but this time it's as if you're forced to do so. All you can think about is those recurring nightmares telling you that what you've seen has become a reality. And it was in that moment when you realised that you're losing a grip on yourself altogether.

   So what went wrong? You must've think that I didn't thought about this didn't you? And there you have it, my first mistake right there. I keep on judging others, thinking that I know what's going on in their minds. I keep on caring about what other's may think of me. I was impatient and didn't want to see the bigger picture. I was adamant that the changes I've made with myself would propel me further, but I should know better than that the things which I've done have crossed the line too far. It was too large of a mistake that I should instead be thankful that I didn't had it worse. And now I'm desperate. Really desperate.

    That one night. I tried closing my eyes. I tried recalling every moment that had happened. It was that that very moment where I finally broke my silence and told her what am I going through subconsciously everyday. What was I feeling at that point in time? A mixture of frustration and overwhelmed by a wave of sadness. I recalled talking about my computing exam - how that no matter how hard I tried to give it up midway, it's as if Allah doesn't want me to give up just yet. Even when I failed the exam miserably, and I lost hope altogether, it was like a miracle just "coincidentally" wrapped itself into an email and takes away my problem in a snap. The email states that the midterm exams does not count if my final exam grades were higher. And this wasn't the first time I was "saved" in such a way.

   "It was that fear that was eating inside of me. I do not know where I'm going anymore. I'm lost and that terrifies me. After a year, I'm still stuck in this course and I have no clue why. I can't seem to see my life getting any better and I still do not know why. Each time I want to think that it's just words playing in my mind, that I was just overthinking and nothing as such happened, my mind will swerved into the past where I was taunted with words of hate and my bleak future. Yes, with Allah's will, I am here and I am still fighting. But I lost the will to fight when I didn't get my EESS course. I lost a lot of hope when everyday, every single day I'm surrounded by couples and I'm all alone. Yes, it may sound irrational coming from me, but given the fact that I am an evergreen who knows nuts about relationships, I craved for it. And then my mind swerved again. How can Arif be so calm even with all the things around him? He also doesn't have a significant other, but his mind isn't in a whirlwind/atomic bomb/maze just like mine. I feel stupid for second. Sometimes I wished I didn't have feelings, so that I can just brush all these thoughts away and get along with what am I suppose to do. But my life is never that simple. My mum told me that it was just Satan playing with my mind and those doubts were Satan's game. Yet, I just can't seem to get away from it. And I'm constantly afraid, afraid of letting go because I'm worried that what I would get in return would be something that I didn't like. Or worse, something that will just makes my life even harder. Yes, I don't have the proper patience. I have trust issues as well. I'm afraid, I'm scared. I'm scared of everything. I just want my life to be better but I'm so afraid that I'll crumble again and again and again in the future. I don't know how long I can stand this way. I don't know how long I can last. Every time when I'm not trying to evade the problems beneath all my series and laughs, I am constantly thinking of ways to solve them. But it just keeps coming and coming, and like I said, I am really afraid of my future."

   That was an instance of me right there, overthinking and full of insecurities.

   My mom once said out of anger towards me that I can never find happiness, but she prayed and knew that someday, somehow I will find my way back and become someone that is very successful in life. The question is when, and will it be too late by then?

Prologue : 

   In a few days time, I will be duelling against my micro paper and I'll race against the clock to finish my Linear Algebra revision. I'm still unwilling to give up. Yet, it'll take more than guts and determination to get me through this. And to be honest, all these problem doesn't just go away overnight. I will always be racing against the clock.

Lost

   This is my biggest irony. I don't know why, but I ended up blogging in a hotel room with two guys whom I barely know just 2 hours ago, who turns out to be Cheryl's cousin and his friend Alex, Junyi has gone out with her to get I don't know what from the convenience store and I'm just sitting here with my headphones on beside her grandmother who is fast asleep. I'm down with a flu by the way so the things that I'm going to say here may be due to the haziness of my medication. 

   I'm going down to the barest of my feelings here. I can't find happiness, regardless how much I tried. I was adamant, too obsessed to changing myself and being proud of it that I was basing my esteem on the people who barely knows me. Thus, my feelings get fluctuated, just as much as how fluctuated people perceive me to be. Yes, I am an introvert but I'm also an extrovert. I can be all happy for once and may need to fall back and recharge sometimes. There are some things which I do not want to say and there were some things which I will never criticise people about. I am responsible, capable of reading between the lines, understanding what's going on if given due hints. And yet, even with all the things that I could do, I can't solve the issues that is myself.

   That's why I was still trying so hard to fit in. Too hard that some may have noticed it. I was basing my version of happiness as to being on good terms with everybody; to be on everyone's good book. I was faking it and I knew it all along. There were days in which I can handle it and deceive myself into believing that everything is going as planned. And there are days which I just can't take it and just want to be alone, like forever. And it's just me and I just simply can't change all of these overnight. That constant fear, that continuous worry going "maybe Junyi wasn't too happy about me revealing his "Valedictorian" secret" or "maybe I shouldn't acted as if I knew all about Joey and listen more to what they said instead" or "maybe I shouldn't act all too quiet to avoid all the awkwardness" or even " What could Junyi and Cheryl be doing right now?" I should really stop overthinking like this and focus more onto myself and getting myself better. But it was never as simple as that to me.

   I've never would imagined that overthinking would be my biggest obstacle and hurdle. But when I come to think of it, I have to admit that it's true. I tend to overthink, judge, perceive and eventually care about what others think of me. I would justify that as having the ability to read people's feelings and body language but I never really knew the limits of it. I should have known that sometimes I'm crossing the line from being myself, to being the mask that I was donning all these while. For now, I'm tired. I'm just tired. I wished Allah knows how I feel. I knows that He knows how I feel. But what am I suppose to do? It felt like a preordained event in which I had to go through to understand more about this life. And yet I have to say this - There's still more to learn about life and things that I haven't encountered. However, how can I do this without first resolving the conflict in me?

   I want to be truly happy, to make myself genuinely happy regardless of who I am around with. But it gets hard when you're obsessed about your mistakes and fervently trying to make everyone happy till you lose sight of yourself. I know that overthinking, and letting go of things are things that can never be learnt nor solved overnight. But if I ever want to find happiness and acceptance of myself, this is the place to start. ~~

Epilogue :-

On the day I left the hotel, I can sense the belonging both Cheryl and Junyi is trying to give me. And I appreciate that, really. Because now, I'm still trying to take out my mask for a moment, in the hope that somehow they will just be okay with me being myself. It's the best I could do.