Statistically Speaking

   So why blog? Why do I still talk about my experiences over here, whereas I've mentioned that I've finally gotten the answer on how can I resolve all of this? This blog goes beyond the means of sharing my experiences; it was an avenue for me to express my feelings without much restrictions and a form of reminder for me from time to time. To be honest, I do look forward to one day looking back at this blog, and wonder why and how may I have felt that way at that point in time. To be honest, my life is actually mundane, and there's barely anything that is exciting about it. Yet, I felt that the struggles I'm facing, the things that I've went through, the moments of ups and downs that I've seen go by, are experiences worth talking about. And the only thing constant in life is change. I want to depict that change in this blog of mine.

   So why it took me so long to get back onto this blog? With the Finals and internal issues that was going on, I found myself in a familiar territory that is being busy. Yet, when the final paper was done, and the winter break officially starts, I find myself with ample of time in my hands. Of course there was Archery and Board Games but on other days, such as today, I find myself lazing around at home doing nothing.

   With that being said, let's get back to the crux of the post - Wrapping up Y2S1. If I can summarise this semester in a phrase, it would be 3 months of rights and wrongs.

#1 : The horror 

"Suffering is a gift. In it is hidden mercy."

~ Rumi

   Studies wise, it had been a horror for me after the recess week leading up to the Finals. I made a huge mistake of skipping too many tutorials and burning out. International Monetary Economics, a module that I was taking during the semester requires me to do up a term paper and presentation with OJW, Yunxuan and Jereld. I was adamant that I would not be affected by her and her attitude towards me. Apparently that wasn't true in the end. Furthermore, I was skipping more and more Stats classes just because she was there, and that I couldn't strengthen my resolve to let things go. Meanwhile, Calculus III was going to an all time low after a change in lecturer, so much so only 3-5 people attended his lectures. Ronald, my Calculus tutor, was helpful though but I ended up taking his 8.30 am class that turns out to be a big mistake for me. I was backed to a corner to use the textbooks instead for revision, and had to start from scratch. Yet, it was not as easy as it seems. Whenever I wanted to focus on both of this modules, I will be pulled back by projects from Computing, Chinese and the weekly quizzes from Natural Hazards.

   At the beginning of the semester, I was so sure that 18 AUs (That's how we tabulate our workload for the semester) would be manageable for me, given how much I suffered through 21 AUs for the past 2 semesters. Apparently my burnout had given me more work than usual, and I find it hard for me to get up after the fall. 3 weeks before the finals, when I've met Samir and the rest, I was determine to never give up even though I may have to start from scratch. Yet, even my plans back then were flawed, and by the time the Finals came, I was sorely lacking in practice although I had cleared most of the chapters that were taught already. Henceforth, it became a nightmare for me to go into the exams for the first time unprepared like that.

   I was in a familiar place. This feeling brought me back all the way to Sec 2, when I struggled to even write anything on the exam papers. I was delirious, hurt and depressed at one point. It came to an all time low for me when I had a nervous breakdown every now and then leading up to the Finals. Yet, in the midst of all this, I was constantly telling myself that taking an MC for the papers is not an option. I was going to go in, prepared or unprepared as I am.

   The first paper was IME, and I made a huge mistake of taking too much time on the multiple choice questions and not tapping into my strengths of essays at the last part of the paper. In addition, I was stubborn to have slept at 3 am for a morning paper, knowing that I run a possibility of getting myself too tired for the paper. I came out of the hall with a familiar feeling of helplessness and "what if's" in my mind. I tried to bounce back up through my next paper - Natural hazards, and I was successful in clearing the paper with ease. I knew that my strength was in Geography, and thank God I was right. I was motivated to go through the final 2 papers.

   The day before my Calculus paper, I was still trying to clear up the remaining chapters and was seriously hoping for an easy paper to survive this. I came back hall crying, and praying hard that I can find something inside of me to finish this paper off. My prayers had been answered, when the paper looks familiar to me and I was striving hard to capture as much marks as possible from the paper. When the bell sounded, and I looked back at the paper, I realised that it may not be enough for me to pass the paper in the first place. But I was contented that I had tried my best.

    I had only a 12 hour gap to my final paper - Statistics. And I was so sure that I was more ready for the paper than the previous one. The stakes were higher for me, since I had taken an MC for the 3rd quiz and the percentage was higher for me. I get started on my cheat sheets and cleared the remaining chapters, yet as the time goes by I can feel the growing sense of helplessness inside of me. I can sense that it was a lost cause for me, since I had skipped way too much tutorials for this. Syafiq was willing me to go on, but I was burning out again. I couldn't MC this one as well, as it would cause a backlog towards my degree. I had to go into the paper on way or another.

   The following day would be something I will never forget for the rest of my life. It was like all the effort from the past decade leading up to this had gone down the drain. I sat there, stoned and couldn't move my pen to even attempt the questions on the Statistics paper. The first question was a giveaway, but the following ones seemed to have hit me so hard that even my cheat sheets doesn't even make sense to me. I know, that given time and my determination, I could have done the paper on another day. But I looked stupid on that day, and all I did, all that I can do was to run the time down in any way to end my misery. I honestly wanted to cry; I was tired and spent after a week of battle. It was at that moment that I realised my run has come to an end. When the bell rang, I knew that it is nearly impossible for me to get anything from this.

   I didn't have the mood to celebrate the end of the battle, nor Deborah's birthday. To me, I was already dead. I simply came back to my hall, and wanted to hide there forever.

#2 Shifting in circles

   In the midst of all of this, there had been a change in the circle of friends that I hung out with. All too suddenly, I became closer to Samir, Syafiq and his group of friends, especially nearing to my Finals. Meanwhile on the other side, I was beginning to find it had to stand the fakeness of my clique. It was a group of 12 people, and within them they were also split. I knew the demographics of the group - who can't stand who, who is already attached and to whom, and a rough idea of where everyone was standing. Don't get me wrong, my anger was not against Junyi, Deborah, Cheryl nor any one of them. I don't have anything against them, though I know that they may or may not have something against me. It is not in my place to judge, and I would say sorry to them if I did them wrong. I still had a problem with OJW, and the stories that she's concocting. I felt that the ball was already on their court to choose between me and OJW, and they had made their decision.

   Back outside after the Statistics paper, they already had plans to celebrate Deborah's birthday at a cafe at Tiong Bahru and invited me as well. I was with all of them, yet I felt left out. My emotions had already been too much these past few days to endure more of the fakeness from OJW, the fake preference of Joey being a part of them, the secrets between this group and that group, and the laughters as if they are fine with everything. I ended up concocting an excuse to skip the party in the end to find some time alone.

   Meanwhile, there is the other group of people who ended up being there for me. I was reluctant at first to tell Samir about my "death" from Statistics. I was planning to just meet him in the evening to talk it out instead and to not be a burden with my problems, at least that's how I felt at that time. Little did I know that he immediately rushed out of his house just to meet me in school, following by Afiqah who drove back to school because of me. I didn't know how I was suppose to feel by that.

    Essentially, I have two groups of friends and I felt the need to only get close to one of them. These bunch of people were there for me when I was facing my worse, while those were only there when I was happy and laughing. These guys are willing to look past my flaws and advise me through my problems, while the others were only there for me to hang out with and be silent from time to time. I was more involved with one group, while I was slowly dissipating away from another.

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life - It goes on."

~ Robert Frost  

#3 Road to SP open

   

   Simply put, SAOC was embarrasing for me and I knew I was capable of better. The next competition for me was far way into end January, but I feel the need to prepare for it and redeem myself from now onwards. Somewhere in the middle of this would be the archery initiation camp a.k.a Tekan Session, where I think I will be tested physically again, though it would be a super great way for me to bond with the rest of the team again.

   Yet, the road seems harder than it looks. I tried putting up a diet regime and planned to run the night before every archery training. And it was only the first attempt at it that I felt really washed with exhaustion after all of this. In addition, it seems harder for me to keep up with the training schedule with work and outings starts to crop out.

   I sat down and looked at my archery scores and timetable. As I wrote down my goals for the next SP Open - To make it into the top 16 for the IKO's and to go in until the semis for the TKO's, I felt that it would be really hard for me to match up with the likes of Wayne, Jian Hui and Erwin to be in the top spot. Doing the math, I knew that I would need to train even harder to be better than all of them. Last season, I ended 9th, but I was nowhere close into going for the IKO's. I wasn't even qualified for the TKO's in the end. I was determine to change that, as well as to redeem myself after SAOC.

#4 Meanwhile in the gaming scene...

   Another huge part of this semester was Fast Forward. After the FOC, many people dropped out of the club because, well, it was a board games club afterall. The ones that were left were quickly sucked into the politics of the club, and they too created politics of their own. Karissa, who has a character of being touchy around people including guy friends, had been a source of controversy when she tries to get close to Jason and his friends. They felt that she's influencing him, and that she was too attached to him and his group of friends. She revealed that she was interested in him, but it was a one sided affair. And he's beginning to avoid her for it. I wanted to console her and be nice to her, but these kind of things are hard to swallow and I feel like I had to give her more space instead.

   Meanwhile, after the major fallout between me and Angie, the "common enemy" truce I had with Zhen Hui, followed by me being good friends with Angie again, I felt pressured by her again after I decided to join her in the board games committee. Essentially, yes I respect her love for board games and the club but I don't share her extreme enthusiasm or her overbearing behavior. with all the things that has been going on around me right now, the last thing on my mind is board gaming and the events that I have to look into. To me, these guys in the committee can be great friends and fun to hang out with, but I just don't feel like I have chemistry with them entirely. I don't deny that they were super nice to me, especially during my birthday when they came out to celebrate with me (one up against even my course mate clique), but I just feel that I don't share all their enthusiasm in board games. I can go on for one or two games, but I ain't a hard core. And I suppose I don't fit in either after a while.

Epilogue

   I was suppose to post this yesterday, but I wasn't able to finish it in time. I met Samir again today after Friday prayers to have lunch, and turns out he have something to share with me. Now recalled that he rushed out to meet me after my horrendous Stats paper? Turns out there's more to that part.

   Interestingly, I was getting to know Samir's clique ever since EFOC, what with Steph, Meiyee and Reynard were my fellow GLs, and Liang Wei was someone who had a similar character as I am. Simply put, Samir was going through what I've already gone through with Junyi and the rest of the group. It was the last straw of his clique, and apparently Liang Wei, to clear things up with him and understand what makes him dissipate away from the group on that day. There had already been misunderstandings between him and them, especially after he chose to celebrate his birthday with us instead of them. My thoughts at that moment when Samir told me this was "He was suppose to meet them instead of me on that day. He was suppose to clear things out with Liang Wei on that day, and I came in between them just because I was feeling down after my own mistakes on the Statistics paper. They were close friends, and now because of this and many other things they want to call it quits. Samir wants to do what I did a semester ago. When Liang Wei really flies off, it'll be even harder for him to patch things up with them ever again."

    I can' help but to just keep quiet, and he knew I would have felt this way. I didn't want anyone to be involved with my failures; I was so used to consoling myself when I was down. People who I care needed me, and I swear I'll try my best to be there for them. But I don't feel the need for them to keep being there for me when I was down instead. I was suppose to be the strong one here, a pillar of strength and hope for them. I was suppose to be a defender for them, not for them to see me sad or worse, cry. I was so used with the notion - nobody really cares whether you're sad or happy; it's a cruel world out there and you have to deal with it. And now, to make matters worse, I feel like I've just made someone leave their clique just for my sake. I felt like selfish person, and that disappoints me.

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."

~ J.K Rowling 

   
   This post was a combination of the many things that were on my mind over a span of few days. Some of them were emotionally driven based on my state of mind at that point in time. Others were more logical instead. Either way, I'd like to thank you for reading this super long post of mine, wrapping up Y2S1 officially. Things will get better, that's one thing for sure. But for now, it seems like I need to focus on getting myself back on track again, and to probably keep more things to myself next time. I don't anybody to be sad because of me anymore. :)

Inner Demon

   It's 1.35 am. I cannot believe how hard it was for me to come up with something each time I got a chance to open up. Then again, this could be the final time that I can blog before my Finals. I slowly looked back at the past months. To be honest, I was a little hurt by the way the people, whom were once close to me, are capable of treating me right now. No, I promised not to be melodramatic about it, but if it's affecting me that much before then I should try putting a close to it again, given that Finals is just around the corner. All I needed was to sort my mind out.

   At first, I was all hopes and prayers that my birthday would be the chance for me to right the wrongs that I may have inadvertently done last year. Both the good and bad memories were clear as daylight in my mind, and I knew that I was one to find it hard to let go. Caring about what others may think of me had always been my weakness and a hindrance to my progression.

  What I got instead from Him was a way out; a chance to rewrite how I want to live my university life all over again. I took a leap of faith when I began drawing a line between myself and my usual group of friends, including Junyi, Cheryl, Lyndon and Deborah. It started from deciding not to match modules with them this semester, then we hang out lesser and lesser. Meanwhile, I skipped even more lectures due to atrocious teaching skills by "some" lecturers and I began to see them even less often. As the tension between me and OJW (henceforth her nickname) grew, I begin to sense that she didn't want me in the clique just as much as I didn't want be involved too much with them anymore. Whether or not she had badmouthed about me was not for me to assume nor say, yet I was already on the outs and Jereld was my only friend back then.

   It started off with my usual routine of going for Friday prayers in school that I got to know Samir and Syafiq better, and then we bonded. I was already looking and preparing to be all alone this semester. But then, when He takes something away from you, He'll replace it with something better. I began to open up to their friends and getting to know more of them. And soon I was also able to link them to the friends that I already have. It's funny how 8 weeks ago, I was going everywhere solo - eating on my own, preparing for that morning Stats lecture alone, studying and clearing my tutorials everywhere else except SPMS where they will usually be at. It became significantly harder for me to remain composed, when I was trying to make connections with everyone else other than them in my Computing projects, as well as the existence of OJW in my IME term project. Now, essentially things had just simplified with Samir, Syafiq, Afiqah and the rest around me. I don't feel the need to tell them where I'm at, nor the need to be on my guard all the time around them.

   To be honest, I would have never thought the relations that I've made during EFOC, as well as the mistakes that I've done at that point in time, could have impacted my life thus far. It was that fear; the feeling of lost when I had to breakaway from the people who were once there for me to find myself all over again. As I took such a leap of faith, I would never expect such an outcome.

   Now, what about finals? Yes, ever since last semester, studies were becoming lesser of a priority as compared to other stuff like networking and gaining new experiences. Yet, it is imperative for me to maintain a certain standards in my GPA. I am trying to set a reasonable goal for this, but to be honest it may be still be hard to achieve. 

   It seems apt then that this post is called the "Inner Demon". It was the term that got stuck in my head after my recent conversation with Samir. I was suppose to give him advises about handling a situation, and he suddenly dropped this term onto me. He mentioned that I still have an inner demon that I was constantly fighting against. I didn't said he was wrong in any way, rather I was shocked that he would say that. It was true perhaps.

   Now that I have indirectly answered the questions that I had asking all this while. I should be able to get some shut eye now. Insyallah things will get better; it always does. :)

A Subtle Rebellion

   This comes at the perfect time to blog, given that I've finally reached the halfway mark of the semester. And although recess week is better known as another study week to all undergraduates, I felt the need to just find some time to chill out and take a step back from the heightened pressure from school. But it seems just impossible.



   The last time I wrote a post is about me "headlining" the Freshmen Welcome Ceremony. And boy oh boy, too many things have happened within these past 6 weeks. And once again, I'm overwhelmed by the fact that I don't know where to start.

#1 ; Disclosure

   I still have no clue where to begin, but soon I recalled one of the most recent event that hits me the most hardest, so much so that I think I shall speak about it first.

   Throughout last year and a part of this semester, I was so sure that I was fighting for the right cause; I was having this stubbornness in me directed at the right place. I was so sure of many things, and inevitably that thought that I was at fault whenever things never go my way was, well, dissipating. So you can imagine, all these feud with Jia Wei (or anybody for that matter), these misplaced anger towards my mom and my sister, the strong hatred for the "Malay" stigma and the delusion that my falling grades was from my overarching schedule, I've never really blamed myself for it. Yes, I can sense it, that I'm slowly turning more and more into somebody else. And I suppose this was not the first time that I've spoken about this.

   Even if I had to blame myself for something, I would have simply dissed it off as misplaced words on my part, or just that I tend to judge others so much so that it shows by how I reacted around them. I've never thought that it was any more than that. I mean, yes, I should be improving myself. I was already accepting myself that I was imperfect. But what my mom said in the wee hours of the morning, shook me hard off this delusion.

   She was asking me, more like taunting me perhaps, whether I really wanted to know what was so wrong about me. What was the answer to this bugging question that I keep asking Allah s.w.t; the coldness of people when they're around me and the answer that ironically, Jereld answered to me with perfection?

   She said I was insincere. I was a hypocrite. I was putting on a show in front of everyone, all because I did not want to be assimilated with this "Malay" stigma and that I was obsessed with playing this "Game" - that nobody can be trusted in any way and the way I am in school should be a facade. I was so bent in showing that I can be open just like everybody else. I only came to Him ONLY when I needed him - from all those tests and exams that I've thought that I can't see through, archery competitions that I wanted His help to do well in and praying for a better day, only to push Him aside when I've gotten what I want.

   Jereld once told me, in anger (and through a super long text message), about how can I be so selfish and arrogant. I was thinking that the world revolves around me and me alone and that I keep bragging, knowing or unknowingly, about how I was aiming for the stars and capable of so many things. I had, without a doubt, thought that my success was attributed to me and myself alone.

   I am afraid right now, even if I'm not showing it. Because I know where I'll end up eventually and its consequences. As I keep typing to this post, I was afraid that I would soon forget about this, only to know that it's too late to fix it. I want to do something about it, honestly, but I am scared. Scared of letting go. And that's how confused I am right now.

   My mom told me that the solution to the madness, before I turn mad myself, is to go back to Him. To keep my 5 prayers in check, and to remember Him at every step of the way if possible. The Friday sermon just recently seems to come to mind, perhaps hinting at me that I should've known Him better rather that just creating assumptions in my mind. I am still worried right now, and I am hoping that I could turn back before it's too late.

   Allah intends for you ease and He does not want to make things difficult for you.

(Al-Baqarah: 185)

#2 : Overconfidence

   I wasn't sure when was the next competition was coming after the NUS Indoors Championship. I was still on cloud nine after that sensational win with Erwin and Frank as my teammates. It was during August that Jordan, the captain, revealed that the next competition could very well be the Singapore Archery Open. I was suppose to be doing better this time round at 30 m, but this is a perfect example of what I've talked about earlier.



   I have to admit that I don't have enough time and commitment to train up for the competition. But what was apparent was the fact that I was only searching for Him only a day before the competition began. Otherwise, I was constantly neglecting Him and busied myself with the tons of school work that'll never end. I was also overconfident, still high after that win, and thinking that the victory was from my consistent shooting and hard effort alone. I am stupid, I know.

   It was a mixture of emotions for me back then, from a hint of excitement before the competition, to a shitty feeling during the first round, regaining that fighting spirit on my second round, another state of down while waiting for the results, to a spur of determination to fight on even harder with my team towards the Bronze medal in the afternoon, and IKOs the day after. Throughout this whole competition, I keep getting this feeling that I could've achieved so much more had I've done something, but I have no clue what that was. And it took my mom's words to connect the dots. Yes, I can see how arrogant I was back then, and how I should've been instead. Yes, confidence is a must but that was not confidence.

   I wanted to say that I'm lucky, but it's more right to say that Allah s.w.t may have given me a heads up of how far I've made a fool out of myself. I could've gotten knocked out of the top 16 easily and not make the cut for the team events. And even if I did, I could've walked away empty handed anyway. Yes, my prayers is answered, but should I be happy? Should I really give myself a pat on the back? Or should I be ashamed of myself?

#3 : Realignment

   ...And then someone told me, "you can't wake up, this isn't a dream".

   In the midst of this identity crises, there was school. And there was a decision that I had to make. I could've gone with my head and followed Jereld's timetable at every step of the way so that I don't feel alone. But I chose to be a little more radical and took only the modules that I've wanted. Although I wasn't very lucky initially after missing out on the pre-registration for my Economics modules, thanks to Him I've gotten the modules that I've appealed for in the end. And safe to say now that I am pleased with my timetable as a whole.

   What was not so pleasing was the anger that I've to drag along with me from last year. I was shocked that I've ended up with Jia Wei for not only 1, but 3 classes. It became worse when I was grouped up with her for International Monetary Economics and things keep getting heated up, and I had to face her again in the committee for next year's freshmen orientation camp.

   It was apparent that she hates me to the core of this Earth, but I still have no clue why. It was like I have murdered someone and she found out about it. I was initially angry at first, and I guess many would have known my problem with her. I tried to be neutral about it, and somehow tried to made peace with her but it seems as if her hatred was deep-seated. Yes, there were speculations about why is this so, but after a while it seems like it doesn't matter anymore. In my mind, it seems futile for me to go on and try to make things right with her. Anyway, work was piling up and I was too busy to do anything about it. 

   But somehow in my mind I knew, sooner or later I'll have to confront her and there's no running for both of us. Because it is likely that I'll be seeing her every now and then for the next few years until I graduate. And meanwhile while I'm still trying to mend my ways, why should we keep on getting angry, throwing faces and dissing each other off at every chance we see each other? What could be so bad and vile that she can't find it in her to let it go? I just hope that when the day comes, whenever it is, I'll be mature enough to forgive her, and see the flaws that she may point out in me. Anyway, if I really want to start changing myself, I should start thinking good of people instead. There's always more to the story, though we always turn a blind eye to.

   Well somehow that wraps up the first half of the semester. There is more, of course, but I don't think I want to lengthen this post any further. Anyway, those redundant stuff like quiz results and chatter amongst friends seems insignificant compared to what am I facing right now. I'm just pinning a hope that somehow things will get better soon; I will better soon from this "illness". Insyallah...