First Leg

#1 : INFJ

I get it. Not many really understood my character, nor the things that are going in my head. Sometime, I don't even understand them myself. I have been trying to open up and explain what goes on inside of my head to the people around me, but somehow it'll only easier until they've experienced it themselves. It was then that I bumped into this article that (almost) perfectly describes my character and what makes me tick. The link: 

http://introvertdear.com/2016/01/12/the-dark-side-infj-personality-type/

There were 6 issues raised by the article (and for the record, I don't really like the emphatic tone of the article but never mind...). The first one was stubbornness. I have to admit, I tend to plan on a lot of stuff and it sometimes gets to me when there's always a change of plans. And yet, it goes beyond that. I really think I could be stubborn at times to admit to my mistakes sincerely. I mean, it's easier to just say that you are at fault to the people around you, but it feels so much harder to wrap your mind around it. To me, my mind would sometimes hover around - "It can't be that I was the only one at fault. He or she had their own mistakes as well but didn't I choose not to say it out loud? I mean I know I'm imperfect but don't you think you should cut me some slack?"

The second one was high expectation. It's true that although I didn't mentioned it, I do have a high expectation of myself in whatever that I do. I would think that it complements my stubbornness in not giving up in anything I do. Just like any other traits, it can work with you or against you. I have a tendency to beat myself up about things if I don't meet this "standards" in my mind. Essentially, I have this drive that will push me to achieve something, if I manage it properly. Otherwise it'll consume me instead and cause me to burn out, or lower my confidence level significantly around people.

The third one was moodiness. Simply put, I can be quite sensitive about the things around me and can get quickly swayed by emotions. I may try to put on a facade that everything's alright yet some would be able see past it. That doesn't mean that I wanted to talk about it though. Sometimes all I needed was an avenue to express my emotions and the things that have been bothering me. More often than not, I already had the solution all thought out but I just needed a place to vent it out, which brings to number 5 that you'll see later.

The fourth one is something that I may not necessarily relate to - Being harsh. Yet, I do know that I can be really, really harsh to people when I'm pushed to my limits. And probably I have the tendency to come off as being unemphatic due to not thinking before I speak. Then again, what the article said is true. Notwithstanding all of this, I was never malicious.

The fifth one is the part that happens if I'm pushed to my emotional limits. I have the tendency to be angry and irrational in the things that I say or do when it comes to this point. And more often than not, I would feel bad about blowing up like that after a while. This precedes the sixth one, where I'll only end up severing contact with the said person/people if I'm unable to take it any longer. I'll just remain quiet, bottle it all up, try to clear the air, explode somehow and just walk away cutting them off altogether in my life. That is me alright.

Which brings to part 2 of this post..

#2 : Speak now or and forever hold your peace

When the real analysis class ended, I knew that I've finally reach a checkpoint in the semester. Recess week was suppose to be a break to recuperate and come back energised for the second half of this battle. But my mind was straying away into the past. My mind was not at peace. It's easy to say the "ifs" and "buts" in this case, yet the fact still remains. What's done is done and there's nothing much I can do about it.

It had boiled down to that one weekend. That moment. Had I've given him a call instead of talking things out through texting, this may not have happened. I knew I was at fault and he was trying to point out my mistakes, yet I held my tongue for the first time at that point. I didn't want to be defensive nor stubborn. I was sincerely wanting to see where can I improve. I was trying to stop myself from saying something that I'll regret at that point in time. It was apparent that I have the habit of saying things without thinking, He asked me whether I got anything to say but I told him that I needed time. Little did I know that it'll be the last talk we had as proper friends.

I guess what Atiqah and Afie said to me were true - that I shouldn't have bury this conversation as if it didn't happened, even if I took his advises. Because he was expecting something from me; he was waiting for me to react and say something. Afie reassured him that talking it out with me is the solution, and in his shoes it may have looked like it backfired.

Things were snowballing from bad to worse. I guess I didn't change enough and I may have offended people again, though I have been fervently apologising to them for no apparent reasons whatsoever. The family outing of Samir came by, and due to him not replying to my confirmation text, I went over to Ben's place to celebrate instead. 

I tried to soothe the mood within the group (and since all of them had ever came by school bringing food) by whipping up porridge using my mum's recipe. Yet, when everybody had tasted and commended on the porridge, I saw him just keeping it there, not wanting to even try some. I have a feeling it was a lost cause. Atiqah advised me further to clear things up or forever hold my peace. I wanted to; I've been wanting closure for the longest time. But Production was close, and I didn't want to bog him down with such emotions. I waited, holding back again.

Production day came, and he was still cold towards me. I went away with the rest of the group after his show for dinner, knowing well that I couldn't afford it. When Syafiq took the tab for me, I knew that they may have noticed me being broke at that point in time. It didn't mattered at first, until the following day I took a picture of the dinner Ben treated me to, and when I finally spoke up to Samir and explained to him, he told me that I have some explaining to do to the group. It was at that point in time that I realised I've reached the end of the line.

Now, I looked at them and I start to see my old clique in them. When I tried to create a conversation with Samir, he killed it, just like how Jia Wei was towards me. From the outside, it seems more and more apparent that they have taken his side and I don't blame them - I was at fault since the start of this whole mess. Syafiq, assuming that he may have already knew all about this, had become like Junyi - still capable of talking and joking with me, but he's part of the group anyway. It's like a de ja vu of last semester, and now I'm back to being often alone in school trying to survive.

Samir once promised me that it'll never happen that way; my fears were unwarranted. He told me that this time we're doing the group project together and nothing would go wrong. He told me that this time I am much stronger. He comforted me that I have them now to turn to, and they will never do the same thing as what my previous group of friends did to me. I suppose that's not going to happen then.

So what now? Now that the first half is over, what am I going to do? Interestingly, when I looked back at what I just typed, all I can see was the mistakes that I've made. That I was the one that had put myself in this mess. If it really plays out the way it was the last time, it'll end with me leaving the group and fighting this war alone. Maybe it's better this way, before I hurt anyone else further. But, will it really end this way? 

Is there a solution to this? Yes. When there is no one else to turn to, I have to learnt to turn to Him first. Doa, tawakal, and make an effort to change my situation. Even the best of prophets are faced with the challenge of faith and patience, and now this is my challenge. I've to be patient and do the right thing, even when I'm all alone in this. I won't be tried something that is beyond my abilities; with hardship there is surely relief. I've to keep reminding myself from now on.

P.S :  I was penning this down on my way to Ben's place today. I had to ditch Member's night to find some alone time to reflect. It was only then that Ben told me that he was going through the same internal obstacle and was looking to find himself again. I don't know how, but I told him this - Forgive yourself and the person. Not because either one of you were at fault, rather you need to be in peace with yourself.

Understanding

   Let's start with a simple context - It's 9.26 pm. I've still got 3 more tutorials to cover, a competition to train for in a month, quizzes to prepare for and the list goes on. And here I am still attempting to blog before I blow apart into full on depression. To put it bluntly, I'm tired and I'm hurt. I feel like dying for the first time in a very long time. Do I know the reason why? Of course I do. But will anyone understand? Not, unless if I open up to them. But each time I start to soften my heart and open up to someone, they'd go around and stab me in the back over and over again. And that wound is getting more and more numb with each impale. So much so that I've virtually stopped trusting anyone fully with anything.

   To be honest, I've got lots to say but this pain that I'm feeling seems to precedes everything else. It's a combination of many things that keep coming into my mind. Not that I don't know overthinking was my weakness, it's just that each time I dissed it off it just keeps coming back to me. There is this void inside of me. Something I can't fathom. I don't know why but I keep feeling unhappy with myself. From all the work undone, making mistakes for a temporary high as well as misusing my own abilities, losing my drive to compete, and the constant paranoia of losing the ones I care. I have no clue, with every shot that I take and every card that I took, I keep feeling as if I was making a big mistake.

   And as if that wasn't enough, I was still daring to dream. I suppose it was obvious enough what her decision was the last time I did this, and yet I still yearned to put up a chase again. And it's not only her. Why do I still try to chase after them whereas the more I tried, the more they ran away? The words of Akash back at camp kept ringing in my head; I recall Din's words after our duty like it was said yesterday. Will I be that "40 year old Physics teacher who is a sex predator or will learn to love only when I'm in a forced marriage"? Is it so bad that I am clueless about relationships and PDA, notwithstanding how much I've helped others with their own relationships and happiness?

   I felt somewhat stuck between using the word "useless" and "stupid" to express myself. Samir opened up about his unhappiness with me a while back, and I suppose that all of my flaws were true and were hurting others. Yet, what was I suppose to do? I'm just lost. Why can't he trust me to do the right thing? I know that I don't portray myself to be one with maturity but does that mean I have to be spoon-fed all the time or get constantly worried upon? I feel like crying, crying out as hard as I can because I'm really confused. And most of all, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of my future. Yes, I believe He holds and decides my fate. But I keep getting this constant worry, this constant fear that what He chooses for me won't be something nice nor good. But, there's the contradiction! He's always fair and just. He will always choose what is good for me. Yet, I am terrified and worried to let go.

   That night, after Samir told me the words that I was expecting to hear, I thought I was able to handle it well. It was only when this sudden anger just burst at home when I was talking to my mum that I knew I wasn't able to come in terms with it. Why it was so easy for normal people to understand each other and trust that they'll do the right thing, but not so when it comes to me? I know, I don't even understand myself to begin with. But the sh** that I've been through these past few years could at least warrant me the trust to get things done correctly right? Why do I have to keep justifying myself for wherever I go and for whatever I do? Do I really need to tell people when I'm sad; do I need their empathy? Do I need to complain my woes to everyone or on Facebook so that people would finally understand that it's hard to be me, that it's hard to juggle being a son, a brother, a teacher, a student, a friend, the man of the family, the sole breadwinner with no end in sight?!

   I don't know how much longer will I be able to hold up this smiley face and light hearted personality, deluding myself that I'm actually happy, contented and positive. Every single day, I see couples. I see happy families. I see friends that are closely knit. And I don't have any of those. I see my sister's autism after I bailed her out, and it break my heart so badly. She's like that because of my dysfunctional family. I see myself and it hurts, knowing how much I've tried to keep myself together, to keep believing that someday it'll be okay.

   I recall being counselled in my secondary school days, and the counsellor asked me as to whether I've ever had suicidal thoughts before. I told her everyday."If so, what's stopping you from jumping off the ledge?" I replied - Religion.

For Love

   It's deep into the holidays and my schedule's been lazing at home, going for trainings, outings, tuitions, repeat. It seems like the perfect way to spend my time, although I do wish that I could have gone overseas this time. Thus, it seems that when I went back to update this spot, I seem to have little to no idea what to write (plus I was supposed to publish a complete post way earlier but I lost my progress thanks to Blogger). It felt like the same old stuff for me. Or, maybe not...

#1: That love talk with Ben

   A part of my holidays revolves around hanging out with friends, especially my best bud Ben. So recently, after a game of pool (where he trashed me but I trashed him a week later), we were talking about looks and love. He was seeing somebody, but it was complicated as they didn't want their relationship to be official nor publicised. Interestingly enough, I was actually there for him for all his 3 "love stories" and their endings. Soon the topic swerved into our looks and the type of girls that we actually liked. While he was talking about his type of girls, I can help but to digress.

   I didn't want to tell him. But I suppose he already knew. Simply put, I don't think I would be able to get attached anytime soon, or in the near future for that matter. I just don't know why but I became very pessimistic recently about this. Yup I may be optimistic about many things but this an't one of them. It naturally boils down to how I look at myself. I didn't need Ben, Samir or anyone else to tell me the obvious - If I couldn't find it in me to love myself and be confident first, then how am I suppose to expect others to like or love me? I always had this constant notion in my head that I don't deserve to get love; that I was "destined" to continuously fight for what I want and stay alive so much so that love was just beyond reach (sounds like a reference from a movie).

   If I look back, I've been through this argument many times, some with optimism while others are just purely self pity that leads nowhere. Hence, I tried to put aside the emotions and tried to be objective - what can I do to improve myself? Well it's obvious that the next best thing that I can do was to dress better and be more positive. And truth be told, though I may have my flaws physically, I looked better than I was 4 years ago. Spiritually I was able to connect myself better with Him after the constant advises from Samir. Yet, why isn't it working?

   I looked forward now, to the type of girls that attracted me. And they were way out of my league, nor compatible. I should have known that there are certain type of girls that looked pretty but could be troublesome, while there were others that had a social life that was not compatible to mine. Thus, this reduced my number of choices greatly. Yet, me being me, I was still adamant that I wanted such a girl, though I knew that it was nearly impossible to get, if not hard to maintain. So I sat down, and changed my mentality to this. It was then I realised that I have not much to go on with. It was with this flow of thought that led me to leave it to fate for this matter. Yet, I'm scared of fate and to be honest, I'm afraid that my fears will come true - No girl will ever see past my flaws to be worthy as their significant other, and I will never be attached.

#2 The Unexpected Date

   Now before I get started on this one, I've to set the context first - A few years back, I downloaded Tinder because, well, I wanted to get attached. It was the trend back then in camp and I was just merely jumping onto the bandwagon. I had a few matches back then and even went out on a date with one, which ended badly in my opinion. I ended up deleting the app because I felt that I was desperate and I should leave such things to fate instead. I re-downloaded the app again recently out of fun thanks to Ben. I didn't think too much about it as I wasn't expecting anything, and it was seriously just for gags. So I continued swiping and chatting with matches.

   It was then that I met Jo, a 21 year old girl who is a Psychology/Philosophy student in a university in Sydney. We started chatting often and she was surprisingly fun. Our chats moved onto Whatsapp after a while. Then, after a few weeks, she hinted to me that she wanted to see the Christmas lights at Gardens By The Bay before she leave and soon I plucked out the random courage to ask her out on a date, since she was going to fly off on the 4th. There was a late reply from her initially, but then she agreed at the last minute to meet up on New Year's Eve. She mentioned that she had plans to celebrate the countdown with her friends at MBS, while I concocted the excuse that I wanted to celebrate with my family at Orchard just to avoid drinking with her friends.

   7.30 pm. I went to City Hall after clearing my prayers. And to be honest, I was both prepared and pessimistic in an event I got stood up, or the girl doesn't look like the face in that profile. It wasn't the first time I've went out with a girl, but it was still similarly nerve wrecking. I was getting collywebs waiting for her.

   8.00 pm. Someone startled me when I was trying to calm my nerves down watching Jessica Jones on my Ipad. I was pleasantly surprised to see her, all dressed to impress. She looks really pretty just like her picture. I knew from our initial conversations that she's an indecisive person so I made the decision to bring her to the Capitol (secretly hoping that there was Halal food there) for dinner. It was awkward at first trying to talk with her, but I reckoned that I can start breaking the ice by chatting about common stuffs - School, Family, Hobbies etc. I was happy when she said she wanted to dine at the foodcourt when we passed by one. Non-materialistic girl? Checked! We continued chatting over dinner and I was still a little overjoyed that she looks so pretty, though I was hiding it. It was the perfect plan as per the "Bro Code" - Pulling the chair for her, the opening of doors for her, making eye contact etc. For some reason, seeing that it was going so well for both of us, we ditched our "escape plans" and head to Marina Bay for the lights.

   She was the kind of girl who likes to sit back and chill. Hence, after we walked together seeing the lights, we sat by the Dome of Lights and continued chatting. It was getting hard for me to keep up the conversation after a while, as I was running out of things to say. I just ended up staring at her. I begin to notice her more - her brown eyes, the way she tucked her hair and blushed, how she bit her lip, her lingering scent and the general features of her face. She caught me staring at her and asked why.

   I wanted to do it. I really wanted to just hold her hands, look her in the eyes, hold her shoulders and give her a kiss. It was the perfect opportunity and it was as if she's giving me all the hints to do it. But I can't, I just can't. I didn't know if it was because I was so afraid or that it felt wrong. Only He knows how badly I wanted it but it's like this invisible force was holding me back.

   Meanwhile, I ended up being even more awkward, sprouting nonsense like how I was previously attached but we've never hugged nor kissed before, so I didn't know what should I do. She mentioned a little later that I was one who could get emotionally attached too quickly. I was taken aback and needed to break the awkwardness immediately. I excused myself to the gents but suddenly she whipped out her phone, showing 11.59 pm. And when I stood up and turned around, Marina Bay started sparkling with fireworks all over the skies. She was already standing so close me, watching intently as well, while the couple right in front of me started making out. I was legitimately stuck now.

   Well, we didn't kissed in the end, if you want to know. I could only muster a lingering hug with her before we part ways at Newton. After seeing her off, I became really delirious. It was like the moments earlier started hitting me right in the face. It was the almost perfect date; I could have gotten my first kiss there and then if only I didn't hold back. And I felt really bad about it. I called Ben during the MRT ride home and told him about the date. To him, I was a stupid guy to have made the biggest mistake in courtship and I should have expected things like this to happen on a date. I shouldn't have gone out if I didn't want to end up in such a position. I understood that he's going through relationship issues as well but his words were hurtful at that point in time. I stood quiet, and just hung up on him after a while and stared out of the cabin window.

   Walking home depressed, I called Samir hoping for something I cannot explain. He listened intently as I relate the story again to him. I was expecting the same old advises to come from him, but what I got was something that calms me down and anchors me back to reality. I should have known since the beginning that it was impossible between us. And what he said was true - who knows what that kiss could lead us to. He was instead envious of my courage to go out on a random date with some stranger, though I didn't feel the same way at that point in time. Nonetheless, I was able to get back home without a heavy heart thanks to him.

#3 The outing that changes everything

   The next day was a Friday and I was up early surprisingly. I went for my prayers and ended up lunching with Samir nearby. I just needed to talk to somebody after what happened the night before. Little did we know that we'll be doing the same thing the following week, but this time I was going to return him the favour.

   I had an outing around town earlier in the week with my Econs crew. It started off quite well for me at first; having Sushi (at Sembawang) and chatting around seems like the perfect way to bond. We then proceed to ECP after our prayers and begin cycling towards Marina Bay and the CBD.There are some things I needed to share but I can never knew how. Somehow, I became rather quiet during the cycle as there was a storm on my mind. It became even harder for me to control these thoughts as I get tired. And that's where the overthinking starts.

   There were times that I keep questioning myself irrationally - Did I said something wrong? Will this group of people able to look past my flaws and accept me for who I am, unlike my clique before this? Why are they quiet and talking amongst themselves at times? Maybe I'm just like Nachos (not his real name, duh...), making the same mistakes like he did and now I'm paying the price for it. Maybe Afie's doing the "OJW" on me and giving me a cold shoulder, and I'll never find out why. Maybe I should distance myself as it is not my place to talk anymore.

   It may be easy for some, but to me it was very hard to distinguish between what's right and what are just illusions or paranoia in my mind. I've always thought that I was a good judge of character and feelings because I can relate to them. At times, these thoughts can feel so true but it doesn't even make sense. I wanted to be free. I want to run away from the negative thoughts that no one necessarily knew about. I'm exhausted fighting an internal war in mind that no one can see. And I didn't want this "War" to come spilling out from the way I react and the way I speak. Thus, I kept quiet.

   Somewhere along the line I was finding peace in cycling a little away from the pack. We started to pass by beaches, then forested areas, rivers and soon Gardens By The Bay. It was then that the memories started flooding in again. I continued cycling slowly to take it all in and finally finding peace in letting go, and I did. Somehow I have to be grateful to these bunch of people for cycling down this route nonetheless, patching up those bad memories with good ones instead.

   So back to the point when I was lunching with Samir the week after. Apparently, something did happened after the outing and in his defence, he kind of knew that it was coming. I was guilty of initially dissing the idea off as I thought that it was overthinking on his part (plus the fact that I overthink as well). He came to me for advise and was willing to open up, so I felt that I should return hime the favour. I listened intently as he clears up the chain of events that had happened, as well as what is said and done. I knew that it was not my right to tell his what to do, rather I just assisted him in his train of thoughts. Yet, I was being selfish. I didn't want this to come between us, or the clique for that matter. I am not prepared to go through another semester being a renegade, studying alone and cutting contacts with the people that didn't mattered. Nonetheless, I was optimistic that it'll never happen, after what Samir told what he was going to do. Maybe that too was overthinking on my part, I can never tell.