For Love

   It's deep into the holidays and my schedule's been lazing at home, going for trainings, outings, tuitions, repeat. It seems like the perfect way to spend my time, although I do wish that I could have gone overseas this time. Thus, it seems that when I went back to update this spot, I seem to have little to no idea what to write (plus I was supposed to publish a complete post way earlier but I lost my progress thanks to Blogger). It felt like the same old stuff for me. Or, maybe not...

#1: That love talk with Ben

   A part of my holidays revolves around hanging out with friends, especially my best bud Ben. So recently, after a game of pool (where he trashed me but I trashed him a week later), we were talking about looks and love. He was seeing somebody, but it was complicated as they didn't want their relationship to be official nor publicised. Interestingly enough, I was actually there for him for all his 3 "love stories" and their endings. Soon the topic swerved into our looks and the type of girls that we actually liked. While he was talking about his type of girls, I can help but to digress.

   I didn't want to tell him. But I suppose he already knew. Simply put, I don't think I would be able to get attached anytime soon, or in the near future for that matter. I just don't know why but I became very pessimistic recently about this. Yup I may be optimistic about many things but this an't one of them. It naturally boils down to how I look at myself. I didn't need Ben, Samir or anyone else to tell me the obvious - If I couldn't find it in me to love myself and be confident first, then how am I suppose to expect others to like or love me? I always had this constant notion in my head that I don't deserve to get love; that I was "destined" to continuously fight for what I want and stay alive so much so that love was just beyond reach (sounds like a reference from a movie).

   If I look back, I've been through this argument many times, some with optimism while others are just purely self pity that leads nowhere. Hence, I tried to put aside the emotions and tried to be objective - what can I do to improve myself? Well it's obvious that the next best thing that I can do was to dress better and be more positive. And truth be told, though I may have my flaws physically, I looked better than I was 4 years ago. Spiritually I was able to connect myself better with Him after the constant advises from Samir. Yet, why isn't it working?

   I looked forward now, to the type of girls that attracted me. And they were way out of my league, nor compatible. I should have known that there are certain type of girls that looked pretty but could be troublesome, while there were others that had a social life that was not compatible to mine. Thus, this reduced my number of choices greatly. Yet, me being me, I was still adamant that I wanted such a girl, though I knew that it was nearly impossible to get, if not hard to maintain. So I sat down, and changed my mentality to this. It was then I realised that I have not much to go on with. It was with this flow of thought that led me to leave it to fate for this matter. Yet, I'm scared of fate and to be honest, I'm afraid that my fears will come true - No girl will ever see past my flaws to be worthy as their significant other, and I will never be attached.

#2 The Unexpected Date

   Now before I get started on this one, I've to set the context first - A few years back, I downloaded Tinder because, well, I wanted to get attached. It was the trend back then in camp and I was just merely jumping onto the bandwagon. I had a few matches back then and even went out on a date with one, which ended badly in my opinion. I ended up deleting the app because I felt that I was desperate and I should leave such things to fate instead. I re-downloaded the app again recently out of fun thanks to Ben. I didn't think too much about it as I wasn't expecting anything, and it was seriously just for gags. So I continued swiping and chatting with matches.

   It was then that I met Jo, a 21 year old girl who is a Psychology/Philosophy student in a university in Sydney. We started chatting often and she was surprisingly fun. Our chats moved onto Whatsapp after a while. Then, after a few weeks, she hinted to me that she wanted to see the Christmas lights at Gardens By The Bay before she leave and soon I plucked out the random courage to ask her out on a date, since she was going to fly off on the 4th. There was a late reply from her initially, but then she agreed at the last minute to meet up on New Year's Eve. She mentioned that she had plans to celebrate the countdown with her friends at MBS, while I concocted the excuse that I wanted to celebrate with my family at Orchard just to avoid drinking with her friends.

   7.30 pm. I went to City Hall after clearing my prayers. And to be honest, I was both prepared and pessimistic in an event I got stood up, or the girl doesn't look like the face in that profile. It wasn't the first time I've went out with a girl, but it was still similarly nerve wrecking. I was getting collywebs waiting for her.

   8.00 pm. Someone startled me when I was trying to calm my nerves down watching Jessica Jones on my Ipad. I was pleasantly surprised to see her, all dressed to impress. She looks really pretty just like her picture. I knew from our initial conversations that she's an indecisive person so I made the decision to bring her to the Capitol (secretly hoping that there was Halal food there) for dinner. It was awkward at first trying to talk with her, but I reckoned that I can start breaking the ice by chatting about common stuffs - School, Family, Hobbies etc. I was happy when she said she wanted to dine at the foodcourt when we passed by one. Non-materialistic girl? Checked! We continued chatting over dinner and I was still a little overjoyed that she looks so pretty, though I was hiding it. It was the perfect plan as per the "Bro Code" - Pulling the chair for her, the opening of doors for her, making eye contact etc. For some reason, seeing that it was going so well for both of us, we ditched our "escape plans" and head to Marina Bay for the lights.

   She was the kind of girl who likes to sit back and chill. Hence, after we walked together seeing the lights, we sat by the Dome of Lights and continued chatting. It was getting hard for me to keep up the conversation after a while, as I was running out of things to say. I just ended up staring at her. I begin to notice her more - her brown eyes, the way she tucked her hair and blushed, how she bit her lip, her lingering scent and the general features of her face. She caught me staring at her and asked why.

   I wanted to do it. I really wanted to just hold her hands, look her in the eyes, hold her shoulders and give her a kiss. It was the perfect opportunity and it was as if she's giving me all the hints to do it. But I can't, I just can't. I didn't know if it was because I was so afraid or that it felt wrong. Only He knows how badly I wanted it but it's like this invisible force was holding me back.

   Meanwhile, I ended up being even more awkward, sprouting nonsense like how I was previously attached but we've never hugged nor kissed before, so I didn't know what should I do. She mentioned a little later that I was one who could get emotionally attached too quickly. I was taken aback and needed to break the awkwardness immediately. I excused myself to the gents but suddenly she whipped out her phone, showing 11.59 pm. And when I stood up and turned around, Marina Bay started sparkling with fireworks all over the skies. She was already standing so close me, watching intently as well, while the couple right in front of me started making out. I was legitimately stuck now.

   Well, we didn't kissed in the end, if you want to know. I could only muster a lingering hug with her before we part ways at Newton. After seeing her off, I became really delirious. It was like the moments earlier started hitting me right in the face. It was the almost perfect date; I could have gotten my first kiss there and then if only I didn't hold back. And I felt really bad about it. I called Ben during the MRT ride home and told him about the date. To him, I was a stupid guy to have made the biggest mistake in courtship and I should have expected things like this to happen on a date. I shouldn't have gone out if I didn't want to end up in such a position. I understood that he's going through relationship issues as well but his words were hurtful at that point in time. I stood quiet, and just hung up on him after a while and stared out of the cabin window.

   Walking home depressed, I called Samir hoping for something I cannot explain. He listened intently as I relate the story again to him. I was expecting the same old advises to come from him, but what I got was something that calms me down and anchors me back to reality. I should have known since the beginning that it was impossible between us. And what he said was true - who knows what that kiss could lead us to. He was instead envious of my courage to go out on a random date with some stranger, though I didn't feel the same way at that point in time. Nonetheless, I was able to get back home without a heavy heart thanks to him.

#3 The outing that changes everything

   The next day was a Friday and I was up early surprisingly. I went for my prayers and ended up lunching with Samir nearby. I just needed to talk to somebody after what happened the night before. Little did we know that we'll be doing the same thing the following week, but this time I was going to return him the favour.

   I had an outing around town earlier in the week with my Econs crew. It started off quite well for me at first; having Sushi (at Sembawang) and chatting around seems like the perfect way to bond. We then proceed to ECP after our prayers and begin cycling towards Marina Bay and the CBD.There are some things I needed to share but I can never knew how. Somehow, I became rather quiet during the cycle as there was a storm on my mind. It became even harder for me to control these thoughts as I get tired. And that's where the overthinking starts.

   There were times that I keep questioning myself irrationally - Did I said something wrong? Will this group of people able to look past my flaws and accept me for who I am, unlike my clique before this? Why are they quiet and talking amongst themselves at times? Maybe I'm just like Nachos (not his real name, duh...), making the same mistakes like he did and now I'm paying the price for it. Maybe Afie's doing the "OJW" on me and giving me a cold shoulder, and I'll never find out why. Maybe I should distance myself as it is not my place to talk anymore.

   It may be easy for some, but to me it was very hard to distinguish between what's right and what are just illusions or paranoia in my mind. I've always thought that I was a good judge of character and feelings because I can relate to them. At times, these thoughts can feel so true but it doesn't even make sense. I wanted to be free. I want to run away from the negative thoughts that no one necessarily knew about. I'm exhausted fighting an internal war in mind that no one can see. And I didn't want this "War" to come spilling out from the way I react and the way I speak. Thus, I kept quiet.

   Somewhere along the line I was finding peace in cycling a little away from the pack. We started to pass by beaches, then forested areas, rivers and soon Gardens By The Bay. It was then that the memories started flooding in again. I continued cycling slowly to take it all in and finally finding peace in letting go, and I did. Somehow I have to be grateful to these bunch of people for cycling down this route nonetheless, patching up those bad memories with good ones instead.

   So back to the point when I was lunching with Samir the week after. Apparently, something did happened after the outing and in his defence, he kind of knew that it was coming. I was guilty of initially dissing the idea off as I thought that it was overthinking on his part (plus the fact that I overthink as well). He came to me for advise and was willing to open up, so I felt that I should return hime the favour. I listened intently as he clears up the chain of events that had happened, as well as what is said and done. I knew that it was not my right to tell his what to do, rather I just assisted him in his train of thoughts. Yet, I was being selfish. I didn't want this to come between us, or the clique for that matter. I am not prepared to go through another semester being a renegade, studying alone and cutting contacts with the people that didn't mattered. Nonetheless, I was optimistic that it'll never happen, after what Samir told what he was going to do. Maybe that too was overthinking on my part, I can never tell.