Destiny and Future

Come to think about it, destiny is a really funny thing. The fact that you could not see your own future is also just as mind-boggling. You may think that you have everything in control, but destiny has its way of proving you wrong all the time. On the bright side however, you may never know…you may meet someone who shares a destiny parallel with you.

Once again, you may think that all this while, you are chasing what you really want in life…education, popularity, wealth and even love. But sometimes what we really want is actually already in our possession….right in front of us. Face it…we can only plan our future…10. 20 or 100 years from now, but at the end of the day, no one could really foresee it.

To me personally, not knowing my destiny and future makes it more interesting. It makes me feel that I could control my own destiny…the liberty to mould it any way I want it to be. It instills the element of surprise to what may happen. Maybe She would finally like me…maybe I would ace and succeed in my A’ levels and graduate…or maybe succeed in life and the hereafter together with my family. But still…it is God who decides everything.

Failed again...

Once again I failed...failed to achieve my goal. I've already told myself that no matter what,I must succeed and excel in my studies. Everyone,including my family are putting their hopes on me but I failed to deliver. Why did I still failed whereas I've tried so hard and pushed as far as I can go. How could I still make the same mistake again and again and again! I'm really frustrated with myself. When will I realise that only me,my family and God is of utmost importance...and that everyone...else,including Yin Yang is utterly not important at all!

I failed again and again. When will I achieve the success that I wanted? Seeing someone else getting glory whereas she did not put in much effort like I did and on top of that, she did not believe in God like I do. How much further...how much further I have to go...to push myself until I get the success that I've been dreaming of all this while. I do this...all that I have pushed...everything, it is for my family and my religion...them only...

Family Matters

It seems like yesterday when I first entered secondary school. I thought it would turn out to be better but I was wrong all along. When I moved on to upper secondary, I began to realised this and promised myself that no matter what happens, I would do everything it takes to make my family’s life better again. Because of me…I…that had hurt my mom’s feelings too many times in the past due to my actions.

My mom…my best and closest friend. She was more of a friend than a mother to me. If there is someone who knows me and my feelings very well, it would be her. Even now I still confide to her about my feelings towards that girl…girl “Y” that I spoke of before in the blog. Recently my family had been through a rough patch and it was hard for us, particularly my mom to move on. As the only young son left in the household, studying had turn into an only way to salvage my family.

Here I am…now in a JC on route to university. I wished I could be like everyone else but my responsibility forces me to sacrifice my feelings and desires at times and do whatever it takes to pick my family back up again. Then again, there are still many things that many, including her don’t know about me and who I really am. I guess in due time they would certainly understand me better.

21st Century girls

Call me conservative or even not open-minded enough, but everyone couldn’t deny the fact that teenage girls are not like what they are used to be years ago. To me personally, I received a culture shock seeing how much these girls are different these days. Maybe being in a all-boys school for 5 years could explain this reaction.

Seriously, back then when I was in a secondary school, things were quite the contrary. Girls were still shy and they tend to take care of their manners and judgement. Even my crush at that time was very polite and nice to everyone. I know it may sound crazy and as if I was living in the yesteryears but one fact still remain undeniable, these girls are getting more and more weirder and wild.

My perception about these girls still remains the same until I moved on to a JC. Damn…all this while I thought that those girls would like someone to understand them and their feelings and to always be there for them. I assume that they most certainly don’t like to talk dirty with other guys and preferred to be appeared as nice, sweet , pretty or cute rather than sexy, promiscuous or hot. Once again, I was wrong. They were totally opposite to what I perceived them to be.
Oh well….what can I do? It’s not as if I want to control them and how they want to be. But…one question still lingers in my mind. Was my perception also wrong about her? Is she who I perceived her to be…a sweet, nice and pretty girl? Frankly speaking, I don’t have a clue. It is for her to decide her image she wants to potray to others, including me.

Starting over again...and better

It has take me 6 months to realise what I really want in life. It was not about her or the social circle I've been trying to get in all this while. It was success. Oh...I should have known this all this while. It was a huge mistake for me to chase after her whereas she doesn't even reciprocate my feelings at all. Yes..I do like her but I am now going to make a stand. I am going to do whats right for myself and everyone who have been supporting me all this while.

I have wasted too much time trying to fit in that I have lost the sense in me to fight for what I truly want in my life. Why didn't I realise that my identity and goal is to fight harder in my studies and not to let everyone, especially my family and teachers who have been supporting me all the way down. Its time forme to come clean and mend my mistakes before its too late. I've been lost too long until I never see the light in front of me.

Ying Yan..I guess you already know that I like you a lot and it is too obvious. But I guess I've given up chasing you now as...well you didn't reciprocate my feelings back. I guess it is already my destiny to fight and pursue my studies until I fulfil my objective...to make my family life better again. There is no place for love in me...just me and my dreams.