Conflicts from within

I kept asking myself why is it so hard to be a good person. No matter how hard I tried to be good, I’ve always did the same mistakes again and again and again. What is wrong with me!? It’s not as if I’m stupid nor I’m naïve. I am fully aware of what I’m doing. But I still did it anyway. If this was my downfall, then I could not blame anyone, irregardless if there is someone to put the blame on. I have to blame myself for my own downfall. It’s not as if I did not tried to be better…but it seems that all the effort I’ve put in will always be spoiled by my own same mistakes time and time again. Some may claim that it is my guilty conscious that is still keeping me from going bad. But I’ve already deemed myself bad…rotten piece of shit for making the same mistakes again. I don’t aspire to be the most perfect human in the world…all I’ve ever wanted is to make God and my family, especially my mom happy. What should I do now? Should I just continue trying or should I give up and let myself be strayed away in the darkness? There is a quote…”Our greatest glory is not in never failing…but in rising up every time we fail”. Deep down inside my heart, I do wish that this is really true and it is reality…but I am just plainly confused right now. I do know the right way…I do know what I should do but I just keep on doing it. When will it all end!? All I can hope now that I will be able to change before its too late. If I’m unsuccessful, I may not be able to redeem myself anymore as I was already given a second chance in life…but I still failed.

Hmm...

Sometimes I wonder why of all people I was immediately attracted to her. Maybe it is because I thought she was more of a friend…someone who I could share things together. Not many knew of this because I’m sure that if she had found out of my feeling, she would not be able to accept it and might avoid me completely. She only regarded me as her friend. Moreover I’m certain that she already had an admirer or even a boyfriend. However, my instincts told me otherwise…that she may somehow found out or even known about it…and that she doesn’t want to reciprocate my feelings.

I began to like her ever since the day I met her back then at the GP lecture. But looking at the situation right now, it seems quite impossible for us to even be close friends…not mentioning any feelings involved. All she does upon seeing me is just saying “hi”s and “bye“s. I wished we could at least have frequent friendly talks or go home together since we are living nearby. But once again all this are very unlikely.

Maybe I should just appreciate the fact that she still wants to be friends with me. I remember how hard it is to get her to start talking to me. Anyway, if there is anything else, my responsibilities had forced me to disregard my feelings in order for me to achieve the success I wanted. Only time will tell whether she will start talking to me again like we once do or even be close to me again. On my part, I can only hope that what happens in the future is what’s best for everyone.

Ups and downs

Life is full of up and downs. Sometimes you may feel that your life is like a bed of roses and at other times you may feel that your life just sucks just like crap. I once remembered saying that to always hope for a better future...but do not forget to appreciate the things you already have.

This is something that most of us don't really comprehend fully. We may say that we do appreciate whatever we have whereas in fact we don't treasure those things until is gone. I felt that life is too short...maybe we can live up until 60 years or more and then we all die. That is the fact of life...the nature of our evolution. Imagine that today was your last day to live...what will you do this very minute,very second?

I amy have seen this world for only a mere 18 years but I felt that there is still so much things to do and too little time to accomplish. Will I be able to achieve success...a success defined by me...in time? It reminds me of that saying...pray like its the last day of your life but work like you live forever. With so many responsibilities and hopes pinned on me, I could give to the best of my abilities in hopes of achieving my dreams...at least in showing my gratitude to God, my family and all those who had supported me until this far in giving me this opportunity, a shot at success