Hereafter

   I've been wanting to update my blog for some time. This whole 2 weeks was one of the saddest and toughest days of my life. Sometime everything that you've planned may not play out the way you feel it should be. Moreover, it had never occurred to me that my instincts...that uneasy feeling was right all along. On that Friday, I received the news that my great grandmother was really ill and that doctors said that she would not live for long. It was 2 days before my first-tier exams and at that point in time I just could not bring myself to even think about it. Together with my family and also with a heavy heart, we visited and offer our prayers for her.

   On Sunday, 26 June 2011 in the morning, just 3 hours after we visited her and went home, she passed away peacefully in her coma. I saw my mom broke down and cried her tears out. For the sake of my family, I tried to keep it strong for as long as possible. The day ahead was long and tiring and I continued to keep a straight face throughout the whole ritual. It was only during her burial that I, too, broke down in the end. In my mind, I felt that in some way I've caused this to happen. Everything just hits me like a runaway train. Why didn't I trust my bad feelings all along? Why is it, after all those long years, only now you have come and visit her?...Maybe I'm just a disgrace in her eyes...I'm sorry that I couldn't do you proud as I would've been. It's my fault all along...I should have been there when she needed me. She waited for me!!...And all I did was to let her down. I'm sorry, I truly am...

   The following day came too soon. I was just simply tired, exhausted, not in the right frame of mind and more importantly, worried. My first round of papers just came and go and I just gave up, couldn't push myself to attempt it in the end. Bogged down further by the coming papers, I am faced with a tougher reality. People do not treasure the things they claimed to love until its gone. I kept asking myself...What if my family is going next? What would happen to me if I lose my mother or my sister at this instant? Life is too short and fragile that at any moment, anyone could be gone the next moment. With that worry in mind, I'm forced to continue the fight. Since that day, many sleepless nights and nightmares subsequently follow until I inevitably fallen really sick 1 week thereafter.

   It has been over 2 weeks since the death of my great grandmother and I could only thank God that me and my family are still well now. The thoughts and worries are slowly fading away but it is still in my mind. I still offer her my prayers and hopes that she will be in paradise someday. As for my exams, I've already leave it to God to decide its outcome. With only 9 weeks left to the second-tier exams, I've got to regain my motivation continue on this road. All I hope is that, wherever she is right now, I would be praying for her and that she would be proud of me. Don't ever give up out there...<3