So it's the 10th week already ever since I've stepped into NSTI and lay the foundation of the start of a new life, called NS. Over the past years, I've been hoping and waiting for a chance to change myself, both physically and mentally. Moreover the year leading towards NS had been tough and it made me question the idea of having a future after NS. Somehow NS had taught and opened my mind to many ideas. It kept me questioning about matters such as moral values, the "significances" of a higher education qualification in the eyes of NS, doing what's right instead of what's easy and knowing the true limits to your mind and body. It also kept me wondering about the life beyond NSTI, the life waiting for me after NS.
It would be a lie to say how envy I was seeing bunkmates having girlfriends or fiancées comforting them after they book-out from camp. No, I am not keen into entering a relationship so hastily just for the show of it. But it started to make me feel insecure about myself at times. The thought came to me earlier during my 2.4 km run, when I reminiscent those days during my secondary school and JC. I was never intending to compare them to my current life in NS, instead I was wondering what went "wrong". No, I do not want to re-enter into another ridiculous social chase or climbing up that stupid ladder of popularity. Then I saw distinct people like Shalom and Aqeel, who may look introvert at the first impression, but sometimes present themselves and communicate well with others even better than myself. Why?
The problem about social fitting and trying to blend in is not uncommon to me. In fact, I'm seeing the same problem in my sister as well. Contrary to what people may perceive, we are fluent academically but it's as if we lacked a whole lot of EQ, important in surviving in this world today. It's not as if I'm hated by everybody who knows me. It's just that I don't get along well enough with others sometimes. This "issue" founded the "problem" behind the meltdown last year with YY, the fallout between Ruzia and now, the "stranger-zone" with Lina. Apparently she wasn't keen enough to call me out for her birthday celebration after I've got to know about it from Will and Daryl, who were invited. At that point, I just felt like giving up completely this whole 'problem". But seriously, what is wrong with me?
Somehow I was too busy trying to mend my own mistakes that I've accepted too much of criticisms to the point of being bullied. Indirectly, it had made me less confident about myself. Yup, I may have an A-Levels cert., a place in uni waiting for me and now even a better looking body. But what's the point if people still looked at me the same way, with all the same critique and comments? I don't want to earn fame; I hated fame. I just want to be simple, just like the people around you.The influences given by my bunkmates may be good at times, but there were instances where I began to question such influences. It's so easy, too easy to utter out such motivational clichés such as to always be yourself and not to be too deterred by other's misplaced words. But where do you draw the line for change, when what you want is to be better but you slowly lose the sense to distinguish between the right and wrong in the process?
Dear Aziz,
Bro Adam here. Life is never easy, but always be positive. Words may hurt our feelings, but words like this keeps us motivated. Remember, I know very well you can do it, so tell yourself everyday, upon everything, that you can do it!!!
Much respect,
Adam a.k.a Fattboy
That last message left by my bunkmate before he was transferred out reminded me again of that same question that bothered me the first time I stepped into NSTI. What did I come here for? There may be only 3 more weeks to POP but the NS journey is still long ahead. The life after NS is still unknown yet sketched in the blueprints of my mind. So another question came into focus : What do I exactly want in life?
It's the 9th week already and so many things have passed. Here we are now at the BRT stage, waiting for the next fit-intake to come in and watching some of my bunkmates crossing over to SCC. Seriously, if I could blog every moment captured in the bunk and the field, I would have gladly done so. And blabbering long-winded stories about everything that happens in camp would just spoil the fun of it. So where do I start, as there's too many things that crossed my mind throughout these weeks, but too little time to tell?
Nobody said that NS is going to be easy. I've already understood that since the first day I've stepped into NSTI, cleared up my area and bunk and joined my platoon for the first time. It becomes more complex when I still have 2 cases pending behind my back, with a possibility of getting charged and losing my future altogether. So my mindset was to change everything within these 2 years of NS with the hope that my future still exist. Throughout the 9 weeks, my relationship with my platoon mates and bunkmates has been somewhat on a rough patch. Deemed "Blur c***", "Stupid A' level student", "Brainless idiot", "Useless f**king maturity" etc. , it can really take a toll on anybody including me (and thanks Allah S.W.T that I've not beaten up anybody yet). Since I've started with a mindset pointing towards a change, I've accepted such criticism and tried to make a change, just to be shot with even more criticism. It came to the point that I felt that people was babysitting me altogether. It was then that I took up a stand and told them that I was capable of making decisions on my own without putting anybody into trouble. That did not helped either. I've thought that all this while, I'm considered introvert and it would be disastrous to seek help from anyone to rectify this (case example : IJC). Now that I'm here for the full-time and not "part-time" as in my schooling years, it just doesn't change anything much. I don't know what else to do or react anymore. So once again I saying this : an A' level student is not a genius and they are not warranted against any mistakes. It also means that they do have flaws and sometimes these flaws are much more bigger than those with a lesser education qualification. The A' level only means that they are good academically, not necessarily practically. Hopefully this will allow a paradigm shift in mindset among my bunkmates and platoon mates (eventhough it may all be too late). The status quo is that I'm trying to shut my mouth more often and just go with the flow. Their criticism may be right in some ways if you think about it. Accepting change is important, but when do you make your stand that what you're doing is already right?
Within such conflicts, there were still many fun moments to treasure. From games, medical week, the jokes that had been shared, punishments that were done together...and Footdrill Comp. Footdrill Comp. saw us defending our title against the other companies in a series of footdrills and uniform inspections. A lot of time and effort was sacrificed by many and as usual, I was marked by many to c*** up during the day itself. In the end, the whole platoon did well, including me. However, we still lose the trophy due to a poor PC phase, futile bangs and a lacklustre attempt at winning the uniform inspection. We went back with no trophy in hand and a 3rd place to be content with.
At the end of this PTP stage, we saw everyone improved physically from the IPPT results (mine's getting closer to that pass! ;)). Passes for IPPT are getting larger in number and hopefully everyone can pass by the 13th week. The new BTP stage would see more rescue training instead of physical training. And frankly speaking, this is turning more and more like The Hunger Games in my opinion, with all the cameras, trainings, dorms, fighting to survive notion and all (of course, not inclusive of the arena and all those "fight till the death" games..). With POP getting closer, hopefully things would change from now on, insyallah. And it's only 5 more weeks to POP ohh!!!
