Insecurities

   So it's the 10th week already ever since I've stepped into NSTI and lay the foundation of the start of a new life, called NS. Over the past years, I've been hoping and waiting for a chance to change myself, both physically and mentally. Moreover the year leading towards NS had been tough and it made me question the idea of having a future after NS. Somehow NS had taught and opened my mind to many ideas. It kept me questioning about matters such as moral values, the "significances" of a higher education qualification in the eyes of NS, doing what's right instead of what's easy and knowing the true limits to your mind and body. It also kept me wondering about the life beyond NSTI, the life waiting for me after NS.
   
   It would be a lie to say how envy I was seeing bunkmates having girlfriends or fiancées comforting them after they book-out from camp. No, I am not keen into entering a relationship so hastily just for the show of it. But it started to make me feel insecure about myself at times. The thought came to me earlier during my 2.4 km run, when I reminiscent those days during my secondary school and JC. I was never intending to compare them to my current life in NS, instead I was wondering what went "wrong". No, I do not want to re-enter into another ridiculous social chase or climbing up that stupid ladder of popularity. Then I saw distinct people like Shalom and Aqeel, who may look introvert at the first impression, but sometimes present themselves and communicate well with others even better than myself. Why?

   The problem about social fitting and trying to blend in is not uncommon to me. In fact, I'm seeing the same problem in my sister as well. Contrary to what people may perceive, we are fluent academically but it's as if we lacked a whole lot of EQ, important in surviving in this world today. It's not as if I'm hated by everybody who knows me. It's just that I don't get along well enough with others sometimes. This "issue" founded the "problem" behind the meltdown last year with YY, the fallout between Ruzia and now, the "stranger-zone" with Lina. Apparently she wasn't keen enough to call me out for her birthday celebration after I've got to know about it from Will and Daryl, who were invited. At that point, I just felt like giving up completely this whole 'problem". But seriously, what is wrong with me?

   Somehow I was too busy trying to mend my own mistakes that I've accepted too much of criticisms to the point of being bullied. Indirectly, it had made me less confident about myself. Yup, I may have an A-Levels cert., a place in uni waiting for me and now even a better looking body. But what's the point if people still looked at me the same way, with all the same critique and comments? I don't want to earn fame; I hated fame. I just want to be simple, just like the people around you.The influences given by my bunkmates may be good at times, but there were instances where I began to question such influences. It's so easy, too easy to utter out such motivational clichés such as to always be yourself and not to be too deterred by other's misplaced words. But where do you draw the line for change, when what you want is to be better but you slowly lose the sense to distinguish between the right and wrong in the process?

Dear Aziz,
   Bro Adam here. Life is never easy, but always be positive. Words may hurt our feelings, but words like this keeps us motivated. Remember, I know very well you can do it, so tell yourself everyday, upon everything, that you can do it!!!
Much respect,
Adam a.k.a Fattboy

   That last message left by my bunkmate before he was transferred out reminded me again of that same question that bothered me the first time I stepped into NSTI. What did I come here for? There may be only 3 more weeks to POP but the NS journey is still long ahead. The life after NS is still unknown yet sketched in the blueprints of my mind. So another question came into focus : What do I exactly want in life?