Flaws

   It was evident in everything that I do, and I wasn't able to look at the mirror without feeling a tinge of shame inside of me. It's like I couldn't bring myself to accept my flaws yet. In Archery, we are taught to let go to get the perfect shots. Yet, I was getting atrocious scores during training even as my shooting form was right. There's something in my mind that's bothering me; there's a wall that is constantly blocking me from achieving my fullest potential.

   I was still determined to know why and continued retracing my steps just like I did before. What was initially a talk with my mum about changing my major, turns out to be a discussion about myself. She asked me to do some soul searching - to find what's wrong with myself and see through the decisions that I've made ever since I've stepped into NTU. There were decisions that I though was right, but it may not have been what He wanted. And what about my character and attitude all this while? Was I always doing the right thing throughout this semester? Am I really trying my best, or am I just deluding myself? And if I really wasn't in university to find a girlfriend, why am I eyeing girls like Yunxuan, Celest, Sarah, Sindy etc.? Am I really doing the right things? 

   The fact that I knew the answers to those questions, and that the answers are ugly shows that there are many flaws that I still needed to fix. This is just like back in my college days - I am still trying to find myself and do the right thing (which goes to show why my exams turned out to be the same way as before). As I read back my previous posts, trying to remind myself of what I should be doing, I also knew that there were some things that were beyond my control and I should continuously learn to let go.

   It was easier said than done. When I was typing a part of this blog with Ben and Elena, I stumbled upon a picture of Jia Wei at Cheryl's house the other day. I knew that I have feelings for her ever since the birthday card but given how the situation is right now, I guess it's impossible altogether. I was still continuously haunted by the words of my campmates, telling me that I wasn't capable of being a boyfriend, that no girl would ever take a second look at me, that I would be stuck as a virgin till probably 40 or maybe even turn out to be a pedophile. It felt as if my esteem and confidence was tested and I wasn't capable to prove myself even once. I am confronted with that bugging feeling, that I was capable of making friends with many, including girls, but I will never be boyfriend material.

   And I though Ben was just trying to help, I guess he was just making it worse. He recently had an operation on his eyelids and was asking for my help in taking care of him. During that time, he was contemplating on giving Elena a chance, seeing how close she is with him and dropping so many hints. I told him and convinced him to go after her. The following day, I brought her along to visit him. What was initially a normal visit as friends ended up with them making out in the dark and expressing their love over a horror movie, and me being a third wheel over there. I couldn't take it any longer, and I knew it was my cue to leave. I told Ben I need to hurry home and asked him to send her off in a cab ( That is if he really wanted to that night). The moment I stepped out of his block, I burst out into a run. I just wanted to run far, far, far away from that place. I couldn't handle it. I just got my friend hitched again but I was never able to change my own fate. I felt hurt all so suddenly, really hurt. Even with all the things that I've done and I'm capable of doing, I wasn't able to find someone, anyone who was able to accept my flaws truthfully and never shuns me away like the plague. It was as if I was cursed to be like this and that my campmates were right. It was against my innate nature to give up, and I was angry and disappointed. He had everything perfectly in place, while I became the perfect disaster. The ride home was dreadful and I was holding back on all of those sadness for as long as I could possibly remember.

   As I was on my way back to hall yesterday, I had to spill the beans to Kira. And as I would expect, she broke into tears. She felt hurt and betrayed with what Ben had done and I was trying to console her as much as I can. It was only after what Kira told me about Elena, that I realised that I've made a fatal mistake. I've just instigated my own best friend to go after a girl was only going to play him out on his feelings. I immediately felt sick to my stomach, and I was desperately trying to find a way to talk to him personally until today. I needed to speak to him without her around because she doesn't have to know about this, and I'm not planning to be a third wheel again feeling down. Yet, he was constantly there with her and hooked onto her. There's honestly nothing much I can do about it.

   Later in the evening, I talked to Jereld about this and he too agrees with me that there's nothing much I can do about it. The only thing I can do now is to hope, wait and play it nice towards everybody (this unfortunately applies to my problems as well). And then he told me the ugly truth - that it was impossible to get who I wanted and it could be a long way before I can find that someone who understands me. As much as I am hurt and as much as I tried to change myself for the better, I have to accept myself and learn that this is something that I have to give up. I have to stop trying to find a suitable girl as it isn't because I wasn't able to find one, rather I needed the peace and I can't afford to be hurt any longer. The heart can only take just as much hurt, until it can't take anymore and becomes cold for good.

   Trying to distract my mind of all of this mayhem, I was thinking about my major. I was determined for Him to decide the right path for me so I was waiting for a sign, a hint from Him as to whether I should transfer out, where I should transfer out or should I stay. If I followed my gut feelings, I would've submitted my transfer papers to Economics right here right now but this time I want to make it different. I want to make the right decision for once. I'm tired of getting hurt from all the wrong decisions that I've made.

Epilogue

   It's funny how I still end up blogging about this on a Saturday night, sipping on a cup of hot chocolate on a rainy day. I figured after my previous post, my mind would've been cleared up and I was prepared to face whatever that's coming to me. But I was wrong, and I was still constantly thinking about it as I go along my holidays. I ended up being in the middle of this mess, just like how I thought it to be. Though it doesn't feel as painful as it is before, but the fact that I'm still thinking about it means that I haven't truly let go. I saw my friend getting hitched to a "playgirl", because of me. I saw another friend cried ever so hard in her life, knowing that my best friend just stabbed her in the back. I saw my friend making the biggest mistake of his life, diverging away and slowly falling in the trap I indirectly set up. I saw the person, whom I thought was my closest friend left me in the lurch, even as her birthday was today. I don't know what's right and wrong anymore. I saw that I was doing so much better in what I do now, not because I've learnt to let go, rather I was incapable of doing anything about it. Who is right and who is wrong? I seriously have no clue. And as this year comes to an end, I saw everybody that I was close with split apart right in front of me, leaving me with the ironic few whom I've never thought I would end up making good friends with.

   In short, I just want to reiterate it to both myself and the people reading this post that there are things which you can't outrun, the little things that you should learn to let go. It hurts, and it will continue to hurt. But if you want to find peace and accept yourself for who you are, you have to let it go and continue living your life. Try you best in everything you do but be aware that there's also so much that you can actually do. Learn to accept and let go, not because you are too weak to do anything about it, rather you need peace in your life. Leave it all to him, and God's willing He will give you the things you need at the right time...

"I wondered if that was how forgiveness budded; not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night."

Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner

The End

   Let me set the situation - It's the end of Finals, my birthday have long passed, semester's came to an end with a disheartening FOM paper, the clique of Yunxuan, Jia Wei and me are long gone, my sister failed her PSLE (miserably, if I may add), and I've ended this semester the way it began (and yes, I'm also flunking all of papers along the way, just like before). To be honest, my mind is really blank like the page of this blog initially. It's a Sunday and I'm suppose to be home by now. Yet, I just can't will myself to go home. Not until I clear my mind off all of these things. There's so much pent up frustration in me and and I'm dying to write it all out here. Everything. I didn't have the chance previously when the first few exams came around. Now, given that this "burden" is over, I'm determine to complete this (probably super-long) post once and for all. Let's begin from the moment before the worst.

1) The Set-Up

   To be honest, I have no clue as to how it can all end up this way. It was bad - Me, sitting beside Jun Yi and Lyndon and there was Deborah and Qin Hui sitting opposite them. And then there was Jia Wei and Cheryl sitting right in front of me. And I'm "alone". I have no clue why but I suddenly feel awkward around them. It's like they are in a different frequency altogether and I was left out. I thought that it was only the mind playing tricks on me but I can sense the paranoia already creeping inside of me. Like a part of my horrendous past is coming back to haunt me. I willed myself to fight off this feeling, knowing that if I let it consume me, I would've lost my cool and ran off like a madman. I tried to be more engaging in their conversations. But somehow I can feel that I'm losing the grip on my "mask" already. Those moments, where all they could see was the cheerful, jovial and matured guy is slowly fading away. My introversion is coming back, and I can't help but to feel really awkward throughout the whole dinner.

   I was insistent that it was a one-time affair, and that maybe I was just overthinking, just like Ben would always say. The awkwardness came about again during lunch after the Foundations Of Mathematics paper. I ended up lunching at 4 Fingers Crispy Chicken with Jereld (Thank God he was there..), Cheryl, Lyndon and Jia Wei. Jereld knew what was going on, and he saw that I was determined to change the whole situation. Yet, it seemingly becomes more and more futile, and I saw myself drifting apart from them again. I saw the glances from Jia Wei - she wasn't even happy that I was there. Not a single word was exchanged between her and me throughout the whole time, given how we were close before. I took advantage of the idea that Lyndon was meeting Yuan Zhao later for Fifa and tagged along to prove that I wasn't such an introvert after all. But there's no point, and it's too late to change anything.

2) The Phobia

   Why? I remembered it. It was clear like daylight. I've to admit that my college years wasn't the best but this mistake, or event, or whatever you called it, had left me with a trauma that I carried up until now. And it was hard to let go. Because of that, I swore never to ask, talk or even drop the slightest hint about it.

   It was one of the afternoons in school and I was feeling very down, the exact same way as I was feeling now. I felt lonely and insecure as I thought I couldn't interact well with others. So I took the courage to ask YY and Cel as to whether they think that I'm weird. It took a while of minding my own business in the canteen until Kiven, Hannan and the 2 girls came by, asking as to why I feel this way. Yup, so far it had seemed like they are here to help me so I let off steam and told them my same old grandfather story as to why am I such an introvert since my Secondary years. Silly me. Little did I know, they were secretly judging me, and that moment would have ruined my social life for my next 2 years in College. After the talk, I felt relieved. But the following months came like hell - rumours were flying around about me, lots of people avoiding me (including that had talked to me on that day), and while I was still trying to get a grip on myself and slowly learn how to interact with others, they've killed my reputation. Misery had then became part of my life during College and when I finally graduated, I was determined to stop it right there.

3) Walking The Same Road Back

   Somewhere along the line I must've made a mistake. I was fervently retracing my steps, looking for clues. Somehow it had led me to think that it had all begun from the day they celebrated my birthday. I headed straight to Ben's place after dinner, looking for answers. It was hard to relate to him, given the fact that he's already doing so well socially in RP. But I have to try as I was desperate for answers. Furthermore, there's no one else that I could trust with my secrets. Somehow he's got a feeling that I must have said something so awfully wrong that Jia Wei must have taken it seriously. She then talked about it to Yunxuan and Cheryl (and probably Lyndon) and the rest pans out the way it is now. Yet, be that as it may, what am I suppose to do? And I still have no clues as to what was so wrong about me.

   This wasn't the first time it had happened. It took a whole lot of sources to know that this was my issue from the beginning -  saying the wrong things, at the wrong time, and probably at the wrong tone. Jereld said that it could've started from the birthday card, as it may have been Jia Wei's roommate, Yvonne, that have done the card instead of her. And maybe I've indirectly dissed off the idea that she had spent the whole night doing it. However, Jia Wei was talking about things like toning and colour contrast for Deborah's birthday card after the dinner as if she knows what she was doing. It's a contradiction right there.

   The point is that I must find a way to mend the situation and control the damage. The idea I had in mind was that for some to eventually disagree with the rumours that are spreading, pivoting on how I would react in the following months to come. That's all that I can hope for.

4) Damage control?

   Well that's a long term solution. And to be cruelly honest, there's nothing much I can do now. It was exactly these kinds of situation that Ben was telling me to avoid, the kind that will ruin your reputation for the entire schooling years (and even as I'm typing this, I'm still wondering what could've I done so gravely wrong..). Even he wasn't able to advise me of a quick solution out of this. His long term solution stands - get into a Toastmaster's club and crawl my way out by learning how to interact with others all over again. Initially, I wasn't too happy when he've said that. But given the fact that I'm still making the same stupid mistakes as I did in college, it seems like I've got nothing to lose.

   So that's the reason why I needed to blog so badly. I needed a quick fix to this issue that had been bothering me until now. I tried leaving my hall and get back home to catch a breather. I needed some time away from school to think of what should I do next. 

   I should just accept the reality and let go, accept the fact that Jia Wei and Yunxuan probably finds me an eyesore and prefers Lyndon to be around them. Losing them as a clique now, what should I do? I was planning on getting closer to Deborah, Jereld and Jun Yi and getting to know them better. If Yunxuan ever comes by, then let her be. I've got a feeling that she would leave to find Daryl at Cheryl's hall eventually. So what about next semester? Where do I sit and what should I do during lectures? I'm going to plan my timetable just like I did the first time (when I didn't have a single clue who is who, and when I had no friends) - shadowing Jereld's timetable. As for lectures, I would either sit around with Deborah and Qin Hui, or stay put with Jereld and Jun Yi. The same goes for the tutorials. If, in an event that nobody except them is left to hang around, I'll just either go back to my hall/home or go for my tuitions. No, it doesn't mean that I would give them an awkward look or be uncomfortable with them. I would still be okay with Lyndon as we may have some things in common. Yet, I'm determined to continue wearing my "mask" in front of those that I couldn't trust. I've learned that I can be an extrovert and I should continue to be, but I should never, ever reveal anything related to me personally. If there's somewhere that I need to get to, I should just leave. They are not worth my time after all. I should just accept the reality and let go...

   Essentially, damage control wise, I have to continue giving that cheerful and jovial vibe of things, regardless of how people may perceive me (and the number of exams that I may have to take). As for the words that I say, I would have to be on guard. It would be okay for me to joke around with others at times and be more open about the things they say, but it's never good to be sticky. If I have to stop, I must stop. Period.

5) The Games

   I was never fully prepared for any of my papers, especially Linear Algebra. I tried to counter the situation by creating a schedule that I would follow to complete my revision but it was too hard. I've already fallen way behind in my studies and my tests scores had been lacklustre, if not bad. My 4.0 GPA goal was slowly fading away and I just couldn't do anything about it. As I was standing outside The Earth Observatory, bothered with the many things in my mind, it felt as if I'm losing grip of the whole situation. On one end, I feel like quitting school and just start working, sensing that I may not be cut out for such a social/academic life. On another end, my heart still yearns to fight - to transfer to Earth Science as soon as possible, even if it means dropping one of my majors just to stay alive (and that, my friend, would probably be Mathematics). There were times when I feel like running away from this course and the people that are in it. Pursuing a degree is supposed to something that is meant to direct you to your dream job and happiness, not suffer in silence for a monthly-salaried job. I was already trashing it out every night for my papers and losing a whole lot of sleep (and probably my mind by the end of all of this), and still I ended up going out of the exam hall feeling as if I've never done enough. It felt exactly like the first time I took my A' Levels, much to my fear that my results would also reciprocate that.

6) My sister - another issue at hand

   Simply put, my sister had just become the bottom 3% of Singapore for her PSLE. And of course I was pissed. It felt as if I've put her in that place and it was entirely my fault that I've never taught her enough back when she was preparing for her PSLE. I wind up arguing with my mom on that Friday morning, 2 hours before my Algorithm paper. It was depressing to hear the same old curses hurled at me. And I was getting more and more pissed off by the minute. The night earlier, I spoke to my auntie about it. She was saying that she had this uneasy feeling and that she called me up. Turns out, I too was looking for someone to talk to. I told her everything that had happened to my sister - how I was looking for ways to solve the issue, and how sad and despair I feel for not being able to help her out of this situation. It felt as if I'm the one who have failed her and I wasn't capable enough to stop it. She calmed me down, telling me as a human there's so much that I can do and that there are some things that are beyond my control (It's funny how it still relates to letting go). She also told me to clear out my Finals first before thinking of what should I do with her. And she was right. I need to plan something out for my sister immediately after my Finals.

I didn't tell her about the problems that I'm facing in school though. She was so proud of me that she was basically praising me to all my relatives, including my cousin who also did badly for his PSLE. Which is the reason why I feel that this was something I have to learn to solve, myself.

7) Endgame?

   That's a loads of ranting on a single page, but to me I'm really in need of answers. I entered university with the hope that I could erase my past and correct everything once and for all. It's been a long time coming - after the meltdown my family faced, after Changi, after NS, after retaking my A levels and I'm still here. And I was determined to change everything. Yet, I can't run away from my past forever. When I first met this group of people during orientation, I portrayed a different side of me, a side which I deemed socially acceptable. When I first took up my course, there was a fire burning inside of me wanting to transfer to my dream course so badly that I'm ready to put in all the effort to stay alive and do well in my studies. Now, it's as if the drive is slowly fading away, and what replaced it is despair and disappointment. I'm also losing grip on my social life and the friends that I thought were real.

   So, what can we expect for the next semester? Bad Blood. As I'm on my own again, I will have to rely on the few people that still trust me and continue this Charade. I will most like be juggling more tuitions, archery competitions, being a Fast Forward Gamemaster, Toastmasters member, IHG and those Economics GL events (Yup, I'll most likely drop a CCA along the way during the semester).

Then what are my options? a) Drop my Mathematics for a full Economics major. b) Drop my Economics major for a full Mathematics major, in the hope that I could still transfer out. c) Transfer to HSS, any course from there would be just fine. d) Apply for FASS in NUS, which is probably a chance to get a new environment. e) Stick to my course, and suffer in silence while praying that my grades would suffice for the transfer.

   I have the whole of December to decide. And frankly speaking, I'm afraid to choose...

The Art Of Letting Go

   I don't know where to begin. It may have only been two weeks after the break but straight off the shelves I'm bombarded with pressure from all direction. The only upside of all of this is that I ended up blogging outside Starbucks on a Friday night (while maintaining my sanity), something I've always loved to do. To be honest, I know I'm suppose to study at every opportunity available but that's not who I am. I've always believed that there's a time and place for everything. So yea, here we go with another blog post...

1) That first person in your mind

   So, where do I begin? Most probably with the first thought that comes into my mind - Yunxuan. HOW STUPID CAN I BE?? And no, I didn't made that same mistake as before in case you were wondering. But just how stupid can I be to keep falling for the wrong person at the wrongest of time? I believed it's infatuation (though my mind was telling me otherwise all the time) and I know all too well not to entertain such emotions. Yet, I can't just be ending up thinking about her every once in a while, say, during studying or showering. And given my circumstances and the very major I'm taking, it's very distracting and counterproductive in all sense.

   Ben and Jia Wei knew, and also knew that it would never happen between us. I knew it too. But she's still in my mind! During one of our impromptu meet up last night at Nex, Ben (and Kira) went on about the idea of friend zone and the psychology of girls in general. He was right and it go me thinking. If I don't want to end up getting a "You're like a brother to me!!" comment right in my face, I should stop caring too much and LET GO. Yes, you heard me right, Letting go is the whole idea right now.

   There is something about Yunxuan's character that stirred my mind. She's very friendly to everyone (probably even flirty too sometimes) and she already has Daryl as a boyfriend. Yea, boyfriend. Something that will always repel me from chasing the girl. Because I wouldn't want to break anybody's relationship and moreover I know how hurtful it is to have your relationship be broken up by someone from the outside. Even with such feelings, I realised that we may not exactly be compatible. Jia Wei told me something meaningful during our break at Artease. "Will I ever change my religion if she asked me to, even if it is to be just an Atheist? Is it that common to see a Malay guy with a Chinese girl? Is she even open to a guy like me in the first place?" These questions just showed that the chase may be over even before it began. Because she can never accept me and even if she did, I have my restrictions.

   Angela was also having the same idea last friday when we were heading towards Daughtry's concert. Chances are that she would be taken by surprise at the feelings that I have for her and she would certainly be repelled by it. She agrees with me that Yunxuan is infatuated about Daryl right now and I should just stay as friends and let go.

   So why open up about this if it's already settled in the first place? If it's all about letting go, I want to train myself (and my thought process) to let go of chasing Yunxuan or any other girl for that matter. Because these kind of things should happen naturally and at the right place and time. Even without the pressure that I'm facing at this moment, it's always better to wait for the right girl to come by. Yes, it may be like waiting for the lottery to strike. Yet, it's not that I do not know how to impress a girl or charm her, I'd prefer letting go and taking a step back for once.

2) Slow dancing in a burning room 

   Some may had wondered how is it that I'm still able to be so cheerful and optimistic even with all this pressure. The thing is, I'm obviously  not. I was never happy nor that too optimistic. It's just a mask that I have to preserve and wear everyday. It's a battlefield out there and I should never give the impression that I'm weak or that I may have been burning out. It's just something that I don't want any of my peers to know, judge and see.

   Yet, the pressure does get to me from time to time. Just like how it did right after my computing exams last friday (though the results later proved otherwise, miraculously). I was in my worst mood possible and all I wanted to do is to run away and be alone to collate my thoughts. Yet, I knew that Cheryl, Lyndon and Yunxuan were there, and I don't want to give myself away like how I did back in the Foundation Of Math paper last month. I controlled my emotions and willed myself to smile and cheer Jia Wei up as she was also down.

   During the bus ride back to my hall, I was deep in thought. Where does all this stress is coming from? Didn't I lay out my plans back then during recess week? Whatever happened to them? The truth is, changing mindsets doesn't happen overnight. The plans may have been there but practicing it may take a lot of time and discipline. Somehow you may also fail to do it in the process. When I look back at my previous post, nitty gritty things like watching my diet and telling my roommate off may be easy to change, but things concerning my mindset and feelings may be hard to tweak.

   The people that I'm hanging out with aren't helping either. As for the clique, it may well be over before it can begin. For some reason, both Jia Wei and Yunxuan had been a little cold towards me as if I've done something wrong. I tried asking Jia Wei and she admits that there was a bad rumour going around about me. But our conversation got cut off as I needed to rush off to my Microeconomics class. Nonetheless, she looked pissed at me in some way. To be honest, I don't really care if people don't see eye to eye in the things that I should have done. Yet, every since Jia Wei brought it up to me it had become an itch I can't scratch. If there is something wrong with me, I should know about it; It's better for someone to confront me and tell me off so that I can better improve myself.

   This is where my gut feeling is telling me to let go. To let go of all that pressure of needing to do so well in anything. To let go of caring about my peers relative grades and that bell curve. It's like what matters most is that I try to do my level best in achieving my goals and improving myself instead (and it may well be true). In fact, this whole situation - my feelings with Yunxuan, the grades of virtually everyone else, the Bell Curve, people's impression of me and rumour mills - can and could possibly be solved altogether by just letting go and leaving it all to Him to decide. Though it may be easier said than done (and to be honest, it's never easy), but it is only through letting go and focusing more on myself, that I will find peace.

3) 31 days and counting 

   Regardless of what I do, time is running out. And now we're down to the final month before the start of the finals. Over the next few weeks, I'm expecting more tests and assignments to clear up in a hope of pulling up whatever remnants of my grades left. The talk with Danial (a 3rd year Senior in Mathematics) last week revealed the lower quartile position that I'm in as compared to other students, who may have been in the upper quartile instead. Though I'm trying not care about that damned Bell Curve, I realised that I still got a mountain to climb for most of my modules whether I like it or not, and I'm already doing everything I can and know to stay alive.

   As for now, I'm just tired. I may have an edge this time round going into the double quiz this week, but I've sacrificed a lot of down time for myself, including my CCA's. So much so I feel like I don't even have a life. To be honest, I just hope that this week will pass by quickly and that the following week will be so much better. I need it.

Revival

   Fast forward the time and...we are now in week 8 - Recess Week. So much had happened in these past 7 weeks (and a long blog post that awaits). The first half of the semester was filled with laughter, sad thoughts, frustrations, cries for joy, mistakes that could've been avoided, good moves and rumour mills. To be honest, I'm currently feeling very empty after a hectic Calculus paper yesterday and then all so suddenly dropping into a usual slacking mode. I don't even know where to start. My previous post took me 2 weeks before I could really find the time to upload it. Hopefully this will be post which I'm able to complete before the week ends and I resume my campaign.

Stage 1 : Blackout - The anger and frustration

   As a university student, you should have expected this coming. Week 1 was Orientation week. Week 2 and 3 were Grouping weeks (as in both your studying grouping and your clique grouping). Week 4 and 5 were Pressure weeks - that's when the tests come churning in and you start feeling the weight of the tutorial deadlines hitting your face. It had always been about the game of survival and expecting the unexpected. Just when you thought that you are done with one assignment, you'll be bombarded with probably an announcement of a quiz next week or something that requires your immediate attention (I guessed I have said that before).

   And it just keeps getting tougher and tougher. Week 6 and 7 - Midterms Week. 3 exams in one week and another 3 in the following week. It was a test of how much do you still have in your "tank" to pull through. I was basically dropping my sleep even further to 3 hours just to survive. I know what's at stake and that huge burden of getting at least a 4.0 GPA this year. Unfortunately, the weight of the modules are keeping me down and battling on 2 fronts is never, ever a good idea.

   I thought I'd hit my breaking point right after my Foundation Of Maths paper back at Exam Hall C (the dreaded exam hall that everyone's talking about). I sacrificed my whole weekend and some nights just to understand the chapters and do their tutorials, disregarding the advise of my peers of possibly putting too much emphasis on that module. And that's basically the reason why I ended up being so frustrated with myself after the paper. I didn't blame anybody for my horrendous result for that module as I knew what I've done wrong - not attempting the past year paper in time before the exams. As I was saying, the stakes are high and I was bleeding marks like the Niagara Falls.

   I remembered kicking the table (lightly, of course, while still trying to hide most of that frustration) and storming out of that exam hall, like a haunting past that came back to life. Jia Wei tried to talk me down and she understands why too. She, just like me, wanted out to pursue Economics or Psychology but she's just stuck as I am. Yunxuan saw the frustration in me but cared not to approach me at that point to ask me why.

   As the day went on, I tried hiding this bubble of anger inside of me from my other peers like Lyndon, Jun Yi and Aubrey (some high-end scholar in my course), going into my Economics lecture, but I know that I can never cure myself of this itch. This is who I am - I will try my very best and give it all I've got if I really want something, yet I know I'll be really pissed at myself if I never get that corresponding result that I've wanted. Moreover, it was a strategy mistake with solely me to blame and I can't help but to be frustrated with myself. Back in my hall, I ended up punching the walls of the cubicle in the toilet while I was bathing. I know I sounded crazy, but it can only takes one to know one. I had to find a way mount a comeback.

Stage 2 : Redeeming chance - A shot at Linear Algebra

   Knowing that I've screwed up my first midterm paper, I was determined to get back into the game. With the Linear Algebra midterms around the corner, I reduced my sleep once again and made sure that I've attempted most of the past year papers before stepping into the exam hall the following week. With only 2 hours before the paper, I was still with Yunxuan, Jun Yi, Jereld and the rest of the guys trying to clear up my cheat sheet for the exams. I was running on pure adrenaline to get me through the paper. I was determine for a better attempt at the paper, even though I may not be the best at Linear Algebra.

   The day earlier saw me and the girls going for an impromptu consultation with Troy Lee (my academic mentor and teacher for Linear Algebra) to clear out our misconceptions. And thank God, it had turned out to be a good move. Little did I know though that some of my other peers had the same idea when I caught them trying to met him as well after our consultation. I know how it goes. You're basically holding your breath to survive and continuously fight to keep afloat. Tutorials and lectures that didn't matter at that point in time had to be skipped with the hope of catching up later, only to be preparing for the next battle that lies ahead. And the competition draws you to pit knives against each other.

   After that 1 hour paper, I was more than relieved that it's over and I tried my level best to complete the paper. Though somehow I've got a feeling that I may not do very well for it (and it turns out to be true), it brings me comfort knowing that at least I've tried doing something about it.

Stage 3 : Que Sera Sera - Time to let go

It was the following Monday evening. In the long bus ride home, I kept thinking about the advises that I've heard that whole day. It's the beginning of recess week and I'm still trying to orient myself after the blows I've received in the first part of the semester. I'm still looking at myself - what did I do wrong this time? It was never about the effort that I've put in. There was no doubt about how much time and effort I've sacrificed for the sake of quizzes and midterms. And I'm still bothered by the idea of the bell curve pulling me down. I was too busy minding the scores of other people and knowing how the bell curve works till I fail to see the real problem - myself. I've got myself to sort out in terms of attitude, workload and mindset. Yes, I shouldn't stay satisfied with what I have and continue looking forward to my dreams and continue fighting for it. Yet, I've failed to appreciate what I've already done to even come this far. I was determined to find the root of the problem by the week's end.

   During the long chat earlier with Ben, he told me something that had jolted me back to my senses. I mean, look at where I am now. I was a Secondary 2 fallout, to a top N' level student, subsequently being one of only 2 students with a strong O' level grades to enter a JC, then dropping to a failing A' level student, coming back up with a miraculously better A' level grade while serving the nation and teaching 2 kids, and now an undergraduate pursuing a double major in Mathematics and Economics. It's as if I've climbed the peak of a Mount Kinabalu, only to attempt climbing Everest at a first try. I kept looking in front till I fail to appreciate what I already have now. I'm not only sitting on a prospect of a double major if I survive; I'm on a fully sponsored degree with a $6000 bursary! If I can quote Ben on this - "You have everything going as planned now, what more do you need until you're happy?!"

   Ben was right. I should try to be happy for once. I should really take a step back and thank Allah S.W.T for what I've achieved. Nonetheless, I was still determined to know what went wrong. My mind slowly turned to a peculiar talk I had with my mum earlier. I knew there was something about me that's been stopping me from going a lot further. I can feel it. She was saying that I was slowly turning back to the same person that I was trying so hard to avoid - the dark days of my student life in IJC. If that's the case, then what should I do? Is that really the reason why I find it hard to survive in NTU?

   Over a cup of Mocha Latte (as usual), I've set out to brainstorm on what could have caused my hardship in NTU and why. It took me a while but I've realised that it can be attributed to several factors :

1) My roommate - He needs to stop bringing girls into my room for his own pleasure. It's going to affect my concentration and environment of the room. Get another room to do your business, Kelvin!
2) My prayers - I confess, I haven't been keeping my prayers well in check ever since I've entered NTU. Though how rigorous my timetable is or how that I'm going to be late for my Archery trainings or lectures, there's no excuses in missing prayers at this stage. I may need to find every spot to pray in NTU, or bring a prayer mat and pants wherever I go then.
3) Halal food - Another confession. Subway and some of the food in the canteen ain't halal. And I'm eating them. This has to stop. Period. I can try to be more strict on my diet from now on.
4) Listening to a more calming music - Yes, not Linkin Park, 30 STM and Paramore every time everyday. I need to start listening to interpretations from the Quran and probably some soothing music during my study.
5) Talk less of unnecessary stuff - It gets harder from here as I suddenly "morphed" into a part-extrovert and talkative person. Simply put, I need to stop talking too much about other people and just stay neutral.

   It took me a while to think through number 6 - My heart. This is the most hardest of them all, and it could be the main culprit. Ever since I've entered NTU, I've become a really sociable and likeable person. Yet, my limits were blurred in the process. For instance, I can't just be touching a girl's hand and hug here. It may be socially acceptable and expected by the other person, but religious wise, it's not. Sometimes I do try socialise with limits, but the dangers are there and I'm afraid to say that I've overstepped those boundaries quite a few times already. To be honest, I should re-evaluate my social limits and line between right and wrong.

   I was about to close my notebook until I recalled another thing. Number 7 - Letting go. Throughout this whole time in NTU, I was holding that hope, just like when I just entered JC, that I would find a girlfriend. And I have to be honest, I've been quite flirty and horny in school. I was turning my attention from one girl to another - Cheryl, Cindy, Natalie, Hilda, Lynn, Angela, Amirah or any girl that passes by. So yeah, this too has to stop permanently. That includes having feelings for Yunxuan (Oh c'mon! She has a boyfriend already!). The point is that I have to narrow my focus on the battle in hand instead and let go. If someone is really meant for me, they will come at the right time. Thus I should learn to let go of that feeling. As for my studies, I have to give it all I've got, and just let go. There's so much I can do. I'm just a human, not a miracle maker.

Stage 4 : Turnaround - What to expect in the second half

   My mentality and body was in a state of disarray the first half of the semester. Running with only 2 hours of sleep and putting on the strong self in front of everyone is taking a toll on me. I barely had time for myself but I knew that sacrifices like this had to be made. Only Allah knows how much fire there is in me to prove something for myself and the people that had believed in me.

The email from Dr Malinda earlier, telling me that NTU is making it more harder for seniors to transfer courses by the year end, and my lacklustre results were like a slap from my JC past. The hurt felt so familiar. That was the hurt I was trying to avoid and rectify.

   I was trying to get the best of both worlds - from my competitive archery, being a Group Leader for the next Economics FOC, my weekly board games society, joining social activities around hall, doing my tuitions and making ends meet for my double major. It was so bad that I had to sacrifice one over another just to stay alive. There were too many days where I'll end up sleeping on my notes when sleep overtake me. Most of my classes starts at 8.30 am and as expected, I would miss a huge portion of it because of the exhaustion that took over me.

   So, will I be expecting all these when school reopens? Maybe. Yet, I'm still expecting a better semester. The situation has changed with my tutees, such that they are finishing their exams by the week's end and would not need tuition till next year. This will take a toll on my income, but I will have a more open schedule because of this. Back in school, there would be more battles awaiting me but I'm not even close to backing down. I'm going to be pushing even harder than before. Only then will I leave it to God to decide my grades. The social games will continue, but I have to be on guard with myself rather than worry about the people around me. It is, after all, an individual's game. And hopefully the outlook of my game will change after Recess Week.