Restart

   It's been a few days since my last post and I was glad that I have this Macbook. With it I could update this corner much more often. Though I'm still busy with work and family stuff, I could still craft up a post in the bus or camp. It will take a while though for me to get used to this computer and its specs. With that in mind, here's a piece of my mind.






1) Preliminary results

   I got an email from NTU on the 21st, telling me about the outcome of my application. I knew immediately that this isn't good news. In order for me to get into EESS, I had to get through an interview first and only then the outcome will follow. This email would mean that I didn't make the cut. On the flip-side, the email means that I still have a fighting chance at the major, just that I have to continue the battle for another year. I've got to say that I was lucky and blessed by Allah, as the course that I've managed to clinched was a tough course with a small intake and a high cut-off grade - Mathematics & Economics. Not only is the course presenting a BBB/C grade (way off from my grades of BCC/C), it had a small intake of 96 students and was directly in the Faculty Of Science, the same faculty EESS is in. This would mean that I would stand a higher chance of transferring into the course, given that it's from the same faculty. 

   Yet, Cel cautioned me on my chances earlier on. Her friend had only managed to transfer to EESS from CBC (another course in the faculty) as she had an outstanding grade of AAB/B and a 4.3 GPA. This did not include the interview, which she succeeded in handling. This means that I've an uphill battle ahead. The only way I could transfer into EESS in 2015 was to get a 4.3 or better GPA in Mathematics & Economics. And Mathematics was never my strongest suit. I'm also faced with a familiar challenge - study university-level Economics with no background of Econs whatsoever. This is seriously not a position I want to be in right now.

   The deadline for acceptance is this 2nd June and until then, I can re-think strategy. Right now, I'm still waiting for a reply from NUS with a hope for a place in FASS. Yet, I knew that I can't get my hopes up too high as NUS is highly competitive and there are many of my peers who didn't make the cut although they had better grades. This course may well be my only chance, or a risk, to get back into the game. Honestly speaking, it felt as if I've been voted out in a game of Survivor only to find myself being sent to Redemption Island for a chance to fight my way back into the game. I'm down, but I'm not out.

   I came across my draft for a post immediately after my application outcome :-

"I'll do anything for my course. I'll sacrifice everything for my dream. I'm too frustrated right now. Not that I ain't grateful of what I've got but this is not going to cut it. I didn't come this far just to concede for second place or some course that I don't want to do. I want my dream. I want EESS. I'm hungry for success and I don't even know whether it's a good thing or a bad thing. I want to fight and I want to prove that those grades from my re-take was just the beginning. I know deep down inside that I'm capable of so much more and I'm very, very angry inside. I'll do anything to get what I want, regardless of the time I need to achieve it. I've made the impossible happen before. I must make it happen one more time. 4.3 GPA in Math & Econs, no compromise and transfer out. There's no way out of this.  This can't be the end. I know I can't live with this if I didn't try. If I'm gonna go down, might as well I go down  swinging."

2) The same realisation

   I mentioned about my past down here a few times before, knowing that one day I may well have to face it. There is always a reason behind my actions, regardless of whether it's wrong or right. I do feel the need to explain it sometimes but I soon realised, in this life, not everyone deserves it.

   



   
   It began with YY (and if you take a look back at all my previous posts, it was all about her). Initially I blamed myself for being such an idiot to fall for her and all, but then I felt that it's inevitable. I mean, look at my situation at that time. I was just a young freshie out of an all-boys school with raging hormones. And on my first day, I sat beside a bimbo who was really, really friendly. I comprehend why I may passed as a creep back then, what with me continuously pestering her and stuck to her just because she held my hand once and took a ride home with me (this is not to mention that back then I was a pessimist and overweight).

   Maybe I just never had a knack with girls. Gave YY a teddy bear on her birthday and I was ostracised in return. I didn't give up, adamant that it was just a one time affair. Some time later, I gave Zura a pair of Beats on her birthday, ending up getting shunned away till today. Gave Cel a book on her birthday only to have her giving me a cold shoulder for months (that took a while though to mend up, and at least it did). Tried to get close to my colleague, Ruzia, back then when I was working at Cathay and the guys there quickly ended it by putting a wedge between me and her. Tried picking up a girl who was working at Starbucks by giving her my number, only to find out that she quitted her job the following week because of me. Tried to be nice to Panittha, who was my tutee back then, by giving her cupcakes for her birthday and I lost my assignment the following week.

   So what is my mindset right now? As a guy, and as expected, I kept pinning a hope that there is that girl who would truly appreciate me. Yet, that hope was soon replaced by the lack of emotion on my part (ie. "I'm just lazy to chase after you already." or "I couldn't care less of what you feel about me.") It's just the feeling that it can't happen, and it won't happen, what more with the responsibilities that I'm shouldering right now.

    When Nicole texted me that evening, I was curious and suspicious to be exact. I mean come on! One does not simply text you out of the blue without any motives. When I met up with her, I almost made the same mistake that I did back then when I first met YY. And as I slowly get to know her, I came to know of her relationship with my past classmates and her ex-boyfriends. Honestly speaking, there was that ridiculous glimmer of hope playing in my feelings when we chatted. Maybe it's just a sign that I need to learn more on how friends react and that how girls actually react to guys, and boyfriends.

   When I met Ben later that evening, I told him of what was lingering in my mind all day (also about my previous post). I realise that I wasn't angry at her for regarding me as a friend and nothing more. I wasn't even pissed that she treated her other guy friends better. Anyway I don't even know her that well. A part of me had always wanted more but I know better than that to pursue wrong feelings like that. What bothers me though was the fact that she knew too many "unwanted" people from my past. And if I ever get close to her, I will surely have to be in their circle. As much as I know that it's inevitable, I want to avoid it as long as possible. I may have changed and achieved so much, but deep down inside is a dark past that people should not know and judge me from. Yes, I don't really care about what those guys think of me. I'm more worried of what my new university mates who are going to meet me is going to think, if they are ever influenced by these guys. I want a clean slate, as I said before.

   As I move forward, I know that somehow I will have to face this fear once and for all. When I bumped into Shahrizal yesterday at Uniqlo, it just showed me that somehow everybody is intricately linked together. Everybody knows everyone. Furthermore, there's no way I'm going to escape this situation with a perfect woman who is unrelated in this whole equation. 

      As for girls, I understand that I haven't had my first relationship although I'm 22 (No, I'm a man and not a gay). But I can't let that desire destroy my live and my family's lives that I wanted to rebuild so badly. If I have to sacrifice love over happiness then so be it. This could very well be my destiny.