28 days and beyond

   It's so easy for humans to snap at the every mistakes that we've done. Whether we realise it or not, we are constantly trying to preserve our image in front of others. However, little did we realise that sometimes the judgement of others doesn't matter at all, let alone for you to even heed them. As always, do respect others before you demand respect. But then again, do not forget to always respect yourself first. Forgive yourself for the mistakes that you've done, for humans like you and me were meant to err. And move on, don't look back. But never, ever fall into the same hole again.

   This will be the last time I'll be updating my blog solely on my feelings and emotions. It would be filled up with loads of GP essays in view of my upcoming A' level exams. Yes, I am going to re-take my exams this November. It took a lot of contemplation and thinking, not to mention discussions, before I came to this ultimatum. There was a chance that if I managed to get that place in the Earth Sciences course, there is no point in re-taking this whole examination. But then again, it is very difficult to transfer to that course although I may have a place in another course in the same faculty. And then came the issue of finance and time. After leaving the "Chalet", I was determined to change everything about my life. Every issue that my life possesses had its own difficulty, and finance and time is in a league of its own. To juggle pushing my mom to work, helping my sister to find a day-care, finding a job myself and maintaining life in NS, as well as the outside world, is going to take a toll on me. This is not to mention the "punishment" I've been imposed - 15 months probation and 100 hours of community service. Hence money and time is not in my favor. You can say it's suicidal..

   Nevertheless, hope is still high for me as I began to see improvements in my life as well as my family's. Mom begin to look for a job and went for interviews. Sis is doing fine in school and by chance, I've potentially found someone to take care of her after school until my mom comes back. Both my dad and auntie (both my parents side) are trying to help us out, although meager, financially and emotionally. As for the issue of time, the only way out was to manage my time extremely well (and so yes I've got myself a planner). And so it seems that it is a possible storm to ride out.

   Focusing on that bit where I've wanted to change everything about my life, it included my social life too. And thank God, life in the stations was easier and that my campmates were treating me well (including the joy of getting promoted this month). As for a glimpse of my life in the past, I've recently met my 24A peers again for a buffet at Clarke Quay. The worry was there initially, what with a probation and all. I wanted so much to prove that I've changed a lot and, of course, for the better. In the end, it went better than expected. I was just happy to see that the guys are still fine and doing well in whatever they're doing right now (and I can personally be proud of myself for not discussing about "YY" with anyone, especially Cel).

   So beyond those 28 days lies a hope and prayer for freedom and a determination to change whatever that was wrong about life. Life itself is a form of endurance, and the meaning of my name is a very embodiment of it. Someone once said that our names are not arbitrarily given; our names are our destiny and will stay with us till the day we die. With everything that is going on around me, as well as the upcoming "walls" my family must be prepared to face, how far would I go for a second chance?

Sudden death

   After 4 months of waiting, the dreaded day finally came - The final result of the Big One. Lots of emotions are running high as the clock ticks down to 2 pm when the results are finally announced.  As for me, after the Friday prayers, I was on my way to IJC together with Arif, Harith and the other guys. Only God knows how terrified I am of my results, especially after remembering how much I had screwed up some of the exam papers.However, all I could do back then was to Zikir and Solat, praying hard that Allah would grant me a miracle for me to ace the A' levels.

   Into the hall we entered as soon as we arrived and we are seated according to our classes. The tension was mounting higher and higher as the Principal made her speech and delivered the stats of our cohorts performance in this year's National Examination. It just doesn't help when they proceed on it giving the results slip to the top students from the various classes first on stage before the release of the results. However, when I did not hear Sumi's nor Daniel's name being mentioned on stage, I'd already knew that something wasn't right and that the results were much worse off than initially expected.

   While one by one of my classmates have already collected their results, it took me a lot of courage to face Mr Ma and see my result. In the end, it did not go down well. The final scoreline - GP (C), Chemistry (C), Geography (B), Math (C) and Physics (D).  It was no mention how appalled I was with my results after all the hard work I've put in throughout this whole 2 years. It became even worse when many of my classmates actually did much better than me. All I could back then was stone into space, contemplating on my results. As I walked around the hall trying to clear the air, I saw even more of my peers doing very well and jumping for joy at their achievements (or improvements to be exact). However, what pissed me off is the very fact that some of them didn't even put in as much effort as I did and eventually they did much better than me. But now it's too late to turn back...


   As some of the students jump for joy, some called their parents or friends to convey their results and others took a barrage of pictures (I wasn't even in the picture my class took during the results due to shame), I tried talking it out to Mr Zee about my chances and options left for me. I also took the time to apologise to the teachers like Mdm Zalinah and Mr  Ng for my "unexpected" results. Obviously, the teachers were consoling me and telling me that it wasn't my fault but I knew better that I caused all of this to happen. 


   Coming to think of it, I'd already knew that I wouldn't be getting a straight A's or better but I'd never expected to get a shocking grade like this. My mom could only blame me and only me for this, citing that this is the retribution I've got for all the sins I've did throughout these 2 years. I couldn't do anything but to concede with her. Yes, I accept full responsibility for all that has happened to me and there's no one else that should be blamed for my downfall again. Allah have tried to wake me up countless of times but I doesn't seem to care or even heed His warnings. And now, this is what happens..


   Looking into my chances optimistically (and pessimistically too), I've got a small chance to get into an Earth Sciences and Engineering course at NTU according to Mr Zee. This is because the course is relatively new, no one's ever heard of it and there were no prerequisite currently. However, most probably my grades were too low for such a course and I can only find out more about it on 10th March at the NTU Open House. Another option is an even slimmer chance at going into NUS Arts and Social Sciences faculty, taking up a Geog major. There were alternatives such as Nursing, Engineering and Arts but I would rather re-take my A's rather than going for such a course I'm not passionate about and waste my 4 years there. Speaking of which, there's that last resort of me re-taking my A' levels this year, with me believing and very adamant that I could do much, much more better this time. However, I'll be wasting 1 more year of my life doing so. Hence, right now, I'm confused and worried about what I want to do next. My plan was to apply (and appeal and beg too) to such courses at both of the Uni's and if unsuccessful, I'll have to re-take "It" all over again. I will need money for that so there goes my pay from the Cathay job to fund that. Private candidate's by 17th March for registration and 2 April to pay up for a second stab at the A' levels.

   Hopefully, Allah would save me this time around cos' if not, there might not be any future for me anymore. Please forgive me and please save me Allah. I have nothing left to fend myself and my family. I've realised that it was entirely my fault that all this has happened to me so please help me. You're my one and only hope now... :'(

Dream and reality

   It's Tuesday, the second day of Chinese New Year and it's a long holiday. For the Chinese, it's the time to visit relatives and collect Ang Pows (or red packets of cash) along the way. For the rest, they are on an extended holiday overseas. This week had been especially bittersweet for me as last Friday was my last day of work at Zen gift and hamper company as they were moving out. Furthermore, there was the class BBQ later and "somebody" wasn't expected to be invited..

  During my 3 weeks with Zen, the experiences faced was like a dream for me. Although I'd quite resented with the below average pay of $5 per hour and the fact that my manager did not really understand my predicament, the feeling of being accepted by friends and co-workers and being treated as "someone" for the very first time is somehow grandiose, if not illusory. Although it only lasted for only 3 weeks, it felt like a few months or years. In just days I bonded closely with my co-workers like never before, going out and having lunch with them and having lots of chit-chat and laughs during work. I know it sounds very melodramatic but only people who comprehend and treasure true friendship would relate to this. Every detail, regardless how minuscule it is could make a huge impact in your heart. So when the day comes for me to leave (coincidentally it was also the BBQ day), I'd admit that I was kinda feeling emo about it. I retrieve my final pay and took a few photos before I waved goodbyes to all of the guys there. Although I hate to admit it, but deep down I know that there could be a possibility that such a "dream" may never happen again. So once again my thank you goes out to the cool CSO's - especially Lina and Small Sarah, my great assistants - Asotha and Cik Nur, the great guys at processing - "Troll" Matthew, Alex, William and Daryl, and the "Boss" (no pun intended). I'm grateful that for once, I was accepted by the people around me to be myself again. 


   30 minutes after I left the office, I was on a train ride to Choa Chu Kang to meet up with my classmates and prep the BBQ at Mr Ma's condominium. What enticed me to go on with my intention is the fact that no matter what happens, this will always be my class and they would always be my classmates. Moreover, I would never let 1 girl ruin my mood, let alone my life. I want to prove to them that I'm matured enough to think and act where I see fit, not to mention still being the same guy I've always been. I know very well that no matter what I do, it would not change their ingrained perception about me. Hence, I'm going there just to have fun regardless of anyone's prejudice.


   Before meeting Rum and Yu Ying at Lot 1 Mac, I've did some clothes shopping and changed into new clothes. After meeting the guys, we've set out to Mr Ma's condo and set up the pit. In the midst of preparation for the BBQ, YY showed up together with Celine. She was in a nice blue dress and with a neatly tied ponytail and Celine was wearing casual tees and shorts. After the years of school life and a great experience at work, I've learnt to be more casual and mature in my reactions towards others. Though I did not really talked to her, I did try to be more sociable and exchange gestures and conversations with her. Slowly, the guys keep streaming into the party (yup, this time Sumi really did came!) and the food's beginning to flow (so are the jokes!). During the time, I did chat with Celine about YY. According to her, YY's now working at YMCA right off at Orchard Road. It was utter coincidence that she works at the same place with Hiew Li Young, my crush in the past and that she also do have the same complexions as her. That's when I realised that I was attracted to such girls and that I was never compatible with them, let alone be in their company of friends. I don't need to explain about how she is or what are her characters as I've been talking too much about it in the past. All I've realised is that I don't really love her at all and that my feelings are actually illusions of lust (if that's what you want to call it..). The BBQ ended late and some went home while others hanged out a little bit for supper and booze.


   Dreams and reality are not often parallel to one another and above such is an epitome. In a single day, I've seen both side of the coin - One an atmosphere leaning towards fun, laughter and friendship with acceptance as its core, while another an atmosphere based on popularity to gain such privileges. Once again, I'm not trying to be exaggerative about this but this situation could only be understood by the few who've went through it and could relate to this. As for now, I'm part of the 2% unemployed "workforce" until I find a new replacement job. The situation's keep changing with my mom also finding a job and my sister needing somebody to take care of her during the after hours. Hopefully the atmosphere in the new job would be the same as my previous job...<3


   "For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream..." ~Vincent Van Goth (Dutch painter, 1853-1890)

Up to date

  The funny thing about blogging is that you tend to pour your mind out on a website that everyone has access to (so much for secret diaries..). But as technology and minds advance, more innovative methods have been devised to satisfy the needs of expressing your mind rather than the conventional way of jotting down in books. Anyway, moving along from that, I have wanted to update the blog earlier but there was that "thing" with time as usual. Furthermore, my new work life have taught me a thing or two about life.


   Love. Ever since that fiasco more than a year ago, my new dogma was that love kills friendship and that between love and friendship towards the one you're fond of, friendship lasts longer than love. Moreover, if you take the relationship 1 step further, there could be a serious backfire. I am fond of one of my colleagues at work and frankly speaking, she was a great friend of sorts. Put it this way - It's a similar case to that of YY. Consumed by the illusions of love, I've hastily made a confession only to find my close friendship with YY gone for good. But this time I've avoided the same mistake I did in the past. Hence, it paid off when I found out that she was already taken by another guy. Enough said there...


   Thanks to the many A' level leavers (and O' level leavers) working together with me, I've been discussing intently with them about studies, exams and results. It became even more of a hot topic when the O' level results are out, boasting people like Sarah and Jasmine getting 11 and 13 points respectively and Auntie Leni, giving me a shocking 15 points for her results. Its unfortunate to say that I'm still unsatisfied, sad and even frustrated with my exams although the results of the Big One would only be known in the 1st week of March. I felt that had I was given a second shot in the A' levels, I would make everything right and would never regret every single moment of it. Now, my dreams of being a USGS Scientist hangs in the balance due to my lacklustre performance. Yes, God is always there to help me. How will all this plays out is still in His will...


   Coupled with my recent job was my sister's admission to a new school. It is only then where you realise that what's more harder than studying is to teach someone instead. And yes, I've got to admit that my sister is struggling with her new studies. She only has 2 years to pull out a miracle in the PSLE and go into a reputable secondary school. My mom was optimistic about her and was adamant that she could catch up in time. As for me, on the other hand, she will need all the help she needs to pull out such a stunt be it tuishen, extra homework and mugging and extra teaching from me or my mom. While it's true that she would be able to catch up somehow, I'm not leaving anything to chance.

   On a more lighter side of life, Gilbert and the gang are hosting a BBQ at Mr Ma's (our "China" math teacher) condominium this Friday. I seriously can't wait for it although I may have to work on the day itself. Furthermore, it would be my last day at the job and I'm already planning my schedule for that day. However, I just found out today that there would be a "slight" problem with the outing. Apparently Celine have invited YY to the BBQ this Friday and Gilbert acknowledges it, citing that she was once part of 24A (that was only for 2 months at the beginning of the year). Soooooo...now that YY's been invited to "gatecrash" the party, where does this leaves me? Should I still go for the party or ditch it altogether? We'll see about that on Friday...<3