Let me set the situation - It's the end of Finals, my birthday have long passed, semester's came to an end with a disheartening FOM paper, the clique of Yunxuan, Jia Wei and me are long gone, my sister failed her PSLE (miserably, if I may add), and I've ended this semester the way it began (and yes, I'm also flunking all of papers along the way, just like before). To be honest, my mind is really blank like the page of this blog initially. It's a Sunday and I'm suppose to be home by now. Yet, I just can't will myself to go home. Not until I clear my mind off all of these things. There's so much pent up frustration in me and and I'm dying to write it all out here. Everything. I didn't have the chance previously when the first few exams came around. Now, given that this "burden" is over, I'm determine to complete this (probably super-long) post once and for all. Let's begin from the moment before the worst.
1) The Set-Up
To be honest, I have no clue as to how it can all end up this way. It was bad - Me, sitting beside Jun Yi and Lyndon and there was Deborah and Qin Hui sitting opposite them. And then there was Jia Wei and Cheryl sitting right in front of me. And I'm "alone". I have no clue why but I suddenly feel awkward around them. It's like they are in a different frequency altogether and I was left out. I thought that it was only the mind playing tricks on me but I can sense the paranoia already creeping inside of me. Like a part of my horrendous past is coming back to haunt me. I willed myself to fight off this feeling, knowing that if I let it consume me, I would've lost my cool and ran off like a madman. I tried to be more engaging in their conversations. But somehow I can feel that I'm losing the grip on my "mask" already. Those moments, where all they could see was the cheerful, jovial and matured guy is slowly fading away. My introversion is coming back, and I can't help but to feel really awkward throughout the whole dinner.
I was insistent that it was a one-time affair, and that maybe I was just overthinking, just like Ben would always say. The awkwardness came about again during lunch after the Foundations Of Mathematics paper. I ended up lunching at 4 Fingers Crispy Chicken with Jereld (Thank God he was there..), Cheryl, Lyndon and Jia Wei. Jereld knew what was going on, and he saw that I was determined to change the whole situation. Yet, it seemingly becomes more and more futile, and I saw myself drifting apart from them again. I saw the glances from Jia Wei - she wasn't even happy that I was there. Not a single word was exchanged between her and me throughout the whole time, given how we were close before. I took advantage of the idea that Lyndon was meeting Yuan Zhao later for Fifa and tagged along to prove that I wasn't such an introvert after all. But there's no point, and it's too late to change anything.
2) The Phobia
Why? I remembered it. It was clear like daylight. I've to admit that my college years wasn't the best but this mistake, or event, or whatever you called it, had left me with a trauma that I carried up until now. And it was hard to let go. Because of that, I swore never to ask, talk or even drop the slightest hint about it.
It was one of the afternoons in school and I was feeling very down, the exact same way as I was feeling now. I felt lonely and insecure as I thought I couldn't interact well with others. So I took the courage to ask YY and Cel as to whether they think that I'm weird. It took a while of minding my own business in the canteen until Kiven, Hannan and the 2 girls came by, asking as to why I feel this way. Yup, so far it had seemed like they are here to help me so I let off steam and told them my same old grandfather story as to why am I such an introvert since my Secondary years. Silly me. Little did I know, they were secretly judging me, and that moment would have ruined my social life for my next 2 years in College. After the talk, I felt relieved. But the following months came like hell - rumours were flying around about me, lots of people avoiding me (including that had talked to me on that day), and while I was still trying to get a grip on myself and slowly learn how to interact with others, they've killed my reputation. Misery had then became part of my life during College and when I finally graduated, I was determined to stop it right there.
3) Walking The Same Road Back
Somewhere along the line I must've made a mistake. I was fervently retracing my steps, looking for clues. Somehow it had led me to think that it had all begun from the day they celebrated my birthday. I headed straight to Ben's place after dinner, looking for answers. It was hard to relate to him, given the fact that he's already doing so well socially in RP. But I have to try as I was desperate for answers. Furthermore, there's no one else that I could trust with my secrets. Somehow he's got a feeling that I must have said something so awfully wrong that Jia Wei must have taken it seriously. She then talked about it to Yunxuan and Cheryl (and probably Lyndon) and the rest pans out the way it is now. Yet, be that as it may, what am I suppose to do? And I still have no clues as to what was so wrong about me.
This wasn't the first time it had happened. It took a whole lot of sources to know that this was my issue from the beginning - saying the wrong things, at the wrong time, and probably at the wrong tone. Jereld said that it could've started from the birthday card, as it may have been Jia Wei's roommate, Yvonne, that have done the card instead of her. And maybe I've indirectly dissed off the idea that she had spent the whole night doing it. However, Jia Wei was talking about things like toning and colour contrast for Deborah's birthday card after the dinner as if she knows what she was doing. It's a contradiction right there.
The point is that I must find a way to mend the situation and control the damage. The idea I had in mind was that for some to eventually disagree with the rumours that are spreading, pivoting on how I would react in the following months to come. That's all that I can hope for.
4) Damage control?
Well that's a long term solution. And to be cruelly honest, there's nothing much I can do now. It was exactly these kinds of situation that Ben was telling me to avoid, the kind that will ruin your reputation for the entire schooling years (and even as I'm typing this, I'm still wondering what could've I done so gravely wrong..). Even he wasn't able to advise me of a quick solution out of this. His long term solution stands - get into a Toastmaster's club and crawl my way out by learning how to interact with others all over again. Initially, I wasn't too happy when he've said that. But given the fact that I'm still making the same stupid mistakes as I did in college, it seems like I've got nothing to lose.
So that's the reason why I needed to blog so badly. I needed a quick fix to this issue that had been bothering me until now. I tried leaving my hall and get back home to catch a breather. I needed some time away from school to think of what should I do next.
I should just accept the reality and let go, accept the fact that Jia Wei and Yunxuan probably finds me an eyesore and prefers Lyndon to be around them. Losing them as a clique now, what should I do? I was planning on getting closer to Deborah, Jereld and Jun Yi and getting to know them better. If Yunxuan ever comes by, then let her be. I've got a feeling that she would leave to find Daryl at Cheryl's hall eventually. So what about next semester? Where do I sit and what should I do during lectures? I'm going to plan my timetable just like I did the first time (when I didn't have a single clue who is who, and when I had no friends) - shadowing Jereld's timetable. As for lectures, I would either sit around with Deborah and Qin Hui, or stay put with Jereld and Jun Yi. The same goes for the tutorials. If, in an event that nobody except them is left to hang around, I'll just either go back to my hall/home or go for my tuitions. No, it doesn't mean that I would give them an awkward look or be uncomfortable with them. I would still be okay with Lyndon as we may have some things in common. Yet, I'm determined to continue wearing my "mask" in front of those that I couldn't trust. I've learned that I can be an extrovert and I should continue to be, but I should never, ever reveal anything related to me personally. If there's somewhere that I need to get to, I should just leave. They are not worth my time after all. I should just accept the reality and let go...
Essentially, damage control wise, I have to continue giving that cheerful and jovial vibe of things, regardless of how people may perceive me (and the number of exams that I may have to take). As for the words that I say, I would have to be on guard. It would be okay for me to joke around with others at times and be more open about the things they say, but it's never good to be sticky. If I have to stop, I must stop. Period.
5) The Games
I was never fully prepared for any of my papers, especially Linear Algebra. I tried to counter the situation by creating a schedule that I would follow to complete my revision but it was too hard. I've already fallen way behind in my studies and my tests scores had been lacklustre, if not bad. My 4.0 GPA goal was slowly fading away and I just couldn't do anything about it. As I was standing outside The Earth Observatory, bothered with the many things in my mind, it felt as if I'm losing grip of the whole situation. On one end, I feel like quitting school and just start working, sensing that I may not be cut out for such a social/academic life. On another end, my heart still yearns to fight - to transfer to Earth Science as soon as possible, even if it means dropping one of my majors just to stay alive (and that, my friend, would probably be Mathematics). There were times when I feel like running away from this course and the people that are in it. Pursuing a degree is supposed to something that is meant to direct you to your dream job and happiness, not suffer in silence for a monthly-salaried job. I was already trashing it out every night for my papers and losing a whole lot of sleep (and probably my mind by the end of all of this), and still I ended up going out of the exam hall feeling as if I've never done enough. It felt exactly like the first time I took my A' Levels, much to my fear that my results would also reciprocate that.
6) My sister - another issue at hand
Simply put, my sister had just become the bottom 3% of Singapore for her PSLE. And of course I was pissed. It felt as if I've put her in that place and it was entirely my fault that I've never taught her enough back when she was preparing for her PSLE. I wind up arguing with my mom on that Friday morning, 2 hours before my Algorithm paper. It was depressing to hear the same old curses hurled at me. And I was getting more and more pissed off by the minute. The night earlier, I spoke to my auntie about it. She was saying that she had this uneasy feeling and that she called me up. Turns out, I too was looking for someone to talk to. I told her everything that had happened to my sister - how I was looking for ways to solve the issue, and how sad and despair I feel for not being able to help her out of this situation. It felt as if I'm the one who have failed her and I wasn't capable enough to stop it. She calmed me down, telling me as a human there's so much that I can do and that there are some things that are beyond my control (It's funny how it still relates to letting go). She also told me to clear out my Finals first before thinking of what should I do with her. And she was right. I need to plan something out for my sister immediately after my Finals.
I didn't tell her about the problems that I'm facing in school though. She was so proud of me that she was basically praising me to all my relatives, including my cousin who also did badly for his PSLE. Which is the reason why I feel that this was something I have to learn to solve, myself.
7) Endgame?
That's a loads of ranting on a single page, but to me I'm really in need of answers. I entered university with the hope that I could erase my past and correct everything once and for all. It's been a long time coming - after the meltdown my family faced, after Changi, after NS, after retaking my A levels and I'm still here. And I was determined to change everything. Yet, I can't run away from my past forever. When I first met this group of people during orientation, I portrayed a different side of me, a side which I deemed socially acceptable. When I first took up my course, there was a fire burning inside of me wanting to transfer to my dream course so badly that I'm ready to put in all the effort to stay alive and do well in my studies. Now, it's as if the drive is slowly fading away, and what replaced it is despair and disappointment. I'm also losing grip on my social life and the friends that I thought were real.
So, what can we expect for the next semester? Bad Blood. As I'm on my own again, I will have to rely on the few people that still trust me and continue this Charade. I will most like be juggling more tuitions, archery competitions, being a Fast Forward Gamemaster, Toastmasters member, IHG and those Economics GL events (Yup, I'll most likely drop a CCA along the way during the semester).
Then what are my options? a) Drop my Mathematics for a full Economics major. b) Drop my Economics major for a full Mathematics major, in the hope that I could still transfer out. c) Transfer to HSS, any course from there would be just fine. d) Apply for FASS in NUS, which is probably a chance to get a new environment. e) Stick to my course, and suffer in silence while praying that my grades would suffice for the transfer.
I have the whole of December to decide. And frankly speaking, I'm afraid to choose...
As usual, I was suppose to update my blog sooner but I was too busy in school and work for now. I would always end up procrastinating on whether I should draft up my post now of later. I guess I still have enough time to put up one more post before I REALLY dive deep into my uni years.
1) The orientation
First up, the SPMS orientation. I wasn't expecting too much from it, what more after I've missed the orientation camps and bonding sessions earlier during the month (It wasn't my fault by the way). I have to admit that I was feeling nervous and excited to meet new people that I would be spending most of my time with in school. Regardless of that, I reached the lecture theatre an hour late due to the heavy rain. I was immediately put into a large group of freshies playing team-building games. What a way to start a first impression..
The game requires everyone in the group to form a circle and interlock their hands from one end to another. We should then try to manoeuvre around the interlocking arms to escape and form a perfect circle without letting go of a hand. I took that chance to interact with everyone while giving suggestions during the game. So, after the game, we went one round saying out our names so that everybody knows everyone (and to be honest, I don't remember most of their names, except of the English ones).
The day drags on with a series of pre-uni lectures and a welcoming ceremony at the main hall. During that time, I was spending my time chatting with different groups of people and taking pictures with them. I slowly begin to understand the character of each one of my classmates, though it would require more time in school to really get to know them. The day ended with the hope that I've made a good impression all round (or at least that's what I thought).
Day 2 saw me dragging myself out of bed for games day with the orientation group. I tried sitting together and get to know Yunxuan, Jun Yi and Joey during breakfast as they seemed to be the most sociable in the group. Yet, I was well aware that they had known each other way before during the SPMS orientation camp. Fortunately, they seem to be approachable at that time and I began hanging out with them for the day. The games day included team building games (with lacklustre performances), a trip around the school and Mass Games with the other faculties to wrap it all up (and not to mention, an impromptu "Werewolf" game, featuring me as the narrator). I have to admit that I grew a little closer to my course mates because of this and it just makes me feel more enthusiastic about starting my uni life on a right foot next week.
2) The realisation
I was so busy trying to build rapport with my newfound course mates during the Welcoming Ceremony that I forgotten my initial goal there. It took a student from Indonesia that came on stage to remind me. The emcee was asking as to the name of the new course that had just opened in NTU (of course I knew the answer as EESS). A particular student was chosen to answer the question over the flurry of raised hands. When he came on stage and revealed that he was an EESS student from Jakarta, I was filled with jealousy. I mean, I've worked my ass off just to try to get into one of those limited spaces in the course and they just gave some of them away to an international student who just might not even have a clue of what the course is all about.
Yes, I've got to give some credit to that Indonesian chap for coming so far and getting into NTU somehow. Yet, I can't help but to have this fire inside of me, urging me to continue dreaming and fighting for a place in that course. As I glanced over to the group of people who were the candidates for this pilot course, all that I can think of was the wish to be in that course.
That's where the realisation happens. I need to find some way to get into that course and fulfil my dream. I took a chance by taking a double major in the same faculty and I should be work my way up for a good GPA and a transfer out. My mind began working like clockwork and soon I was asking my Group Leaders, who are also seniors, about transfers and course rigour. He advised initially to discuss this with my academic mentor (a professor/lecturer who will be assigned to me and some higher-ups that I could ask for help) about my intentions and options to move. Although I would only know who that is by next week, I was determined to know the possible solutions. He offered up back-up ideas of taking Environmental Sustainability as a Minor or taking Earth Sciences as an Unrestricted Elective. Although it may be feasible for me to transfer out within the semester, it comes with it's own set of hurdles. I have to hit a GPA of at least 4.0 and pass the requirements for the course. This is not taking into account that the course is highly competitive and the high chance that the course will not having any places after the first semester or even a few years.
My mind is preparing for a marathon, knowing that the only hope for me to accomplish that is by working my ass off with what I already have. And that would mean that I have to ace all 7 of my modules this semester - Linear Algebra, Macro and Micro economics, Algorithm and Computing, Calculus, Foundation In Mathematics and a Gen-Core module. To be honest, it feels like a losing battle even before the week started. All I can hope for now is that my academic mentor (whoever that is) would give me a better idea on how to reach this goal during this crucial Add/Drop week. Or I'll have no choice but to succumb to these 7 modules for the rest of the 3 months with the hope that I'll make it somehow.
3) Another night with the drinking buddies
Last Friday saw me meeting up with Ben and CK again for a couple of drinks. CK was going on about how pissed he was with Carissa for not spending enough time with him and would rather go out drinking with her colleagues. Ben, on the other hand, is at cloud nine after patching up with his ex last week. It's so apparent that he just can't stop texting her the whole time.
As for me? I was busy ranting about how pissed I was about that Jakarta dude and how hard is it for me to accept the reality. I couldn't thinking too much about my love life these days due to this hurdle in front of me. Nicole is still texting me and we are still close friends, but it can never go any more than that. So I'm moving on and looking forward to solving this "predicament" during my 4 years in NTU. Yet, somehow I just couldn't wrap my head around any of the girls that I've met during my school orientation. It's not that they are different in any way, it just so feels as if I couldn't get along with them. Furthermore, yeah they seemed cute and pretty. It's true that not all the eggs in the basket are rotten but so far, none of the girls that I've met there struck me in any way yet. Anyhow, it's only the first week without the lectures and tutorials so it's too hard to call for now. The seniors was telling me that it would be the crunch time and you would make more friends by the 3rd week but I don't see it yet.
I've said it before - I'm a 22 year old with no experience in relationship whatsoever. Thus this is hard for me to handle nor comprehend. I'm still going to let nature takes its course (whether I like it or not) but I can't help having this emotion of wanting to be loved and cared. I can only hope that it'll work out somewhere along the way.
Why do we stop dreaming and trying as we get older? Why do some people looked at the world with full of optimism while the others turned away in disdain? It's all because of a difference. These people have that ability to stand out from the crowd (in a positive way and not a weird way). It's all about that persona that will draw people to you, making it easier for you to persuade them and sway them in your direction. Some may have it, and some may not. The truth is, however, it can be learnt.
The topic came out once again when I was down and needed someone to talk to. I was sure that Ben was busy so I was resorting to going back home and chill out with a movie after an arduous 3 hours of tuition. Yet, he then told me that he was somehow free later in the evening. I was still contemplating about many things - My uni placings, my possible life and whether I've truly changed. Somehow during dinner that night, the topic about Ben and his love interest, Angel, slowly diverge into a talk about my "work in progress" life. I remembered that brief chat with Rick that morning in camp and I was relating it to him.
"I don't understand you. Let me be honest with you. Maybe the reason why you're not attached is because you think that you're bloody handsome. You are so picky in the girls that you want. If you are finding for that girl who doesn't do the vices, like smoking, drinking etc., then might as well you get out there and find a conservative girl that wears a Tudung. Your expectations are too high man..."
I have to admit that I was pissed when he said that. But it's true. I am picky with the girls that I'm interested in. I was ditching Ruzia back then just because she smokes. I couldn't accept YY when she was such a bimbo around guys. I was judging Nicole secretively just because she had a tattoo, smokes and drinks. I was so anal with this kind of things that little did I realise that I was being judgemental myself. I was so sure that I'm the last person that would judge someone just from face value but I was wrong. I had always been wanting a girl who is tall, pretty, funny, who understands me and will stay with me both in good times and bad, who doesn't smoke or drink or had tattoos, and not to mention still single. When I look back at this previous sentence, it really does seems impossible to find a girl like that in Singapore, unless I was finding a conservative girl like what Rick mentioned.
There is a more pressing issue though. I may have changed, but I need to do much better if I want to influence others. This includes if I want to pull others, including girls, into my social sphere. Ben's words and experiences at RP made me look back at the people I know - Hilmy, Ashraff, Khalil, Chun Kiat, Rick, Scott etc. So what does these guys have in common?
Paradoxically, the things that they have in common is actually their differences. It's what set them apart from the crowd (as I mentioned earlier). Let's see :-
Hilmy - Leadership qualities ;
Ashraff - Sketching and Design ;
Khalil - Photography (and dressing skills) ;
Chun Kiat - Ability to pick up girls ;
Rick - Photography ;
Scott - Travelling guy
So, this means that I must find that one thing that sets me apart from everyone else. Ben did mentioned that Toastmasters will help me in this one but that would mean that I have to wait a little while longer. Yet that's not it. "What is that one things that I have that any of you don't have?"
When I think of it, it could be Geography. I kept thinking and talking about it. I was busy explaining to William about how the heritage in inner cities was being preserved by creating places like that Strangers Reunion Cafè. I was always checking the net to find some way, any way, to get into Earth Science. I would tweet about things like earthquakes and coastal improvements. My wallpaper has always been natural wonders like volcanoes and hurricanes. I was elated to teach Pradip, my tutee, every time that lesson was Geography. It felt like everything is intricately related to Geography and naturally to Him.
And so maybe I should try expanding this "equation" further. Maybe I could be a traveller like Scott? Maybe I should do unique sports and activities that is somehow related to my geographical interest? Or I could expand this blog itself to become a food blog, since I loved travelling to try out foods around Singapore? Either way, if I'm really keen on turning the tides on how people see me, I've to embark on a journey of self-discovery to find what truly makes me different and interesting. ^.^
It's exactly 12 noon, and here I am sitting at Starbucks thinking about what to write in this post. Honestly, I'd always have a good idea of what to write but when I sit in front of the computer, it just seems to fade away. Throughout these past few days, ample of thoughts had been running through my mind and I was just waiting for the moment when I can get my hands on my new Macbook Air to collate those thoughts. So, here I am with my Mac, trying to recollect these thoughts.
1) 24 Days And Counting
It's been about 3 weeks since the closure of the transfer window and there's still no news about the outcome of my applications. As for the EESS course that I've been rooting for so long, it had been silent on both the admission department and the professors. There is still no clue as to the outcome of my applications or even a date for interview. I've tried sending in another email, explaining my desire and passion in this course. That too came back without any reply.
It also does not help when you heard that your other peers had already gotten their application outcomes, some securing great spots in uni. Sometimes I wonder whether I've overestimated my results such that I'm expecting an outcome so early in the month. Nicole and Cel did mentioned the outcome would be dragged till late May. Guess I'm losing patience, and I'm worried at the same time. There is a high possibility that I would not make the cut to read the EESS major in NTU. There is also that possibility that I won't even get a new place in any of the universities this year, which means that I'm stuck in Physics/Applied Physics for 2014 (Emran, though, told me that I could opt to transfer out from the first semester onwards, provided I shoot out a really, really good GPA at the very first semester.).
So, what does this left me with? More time to wait, and even more worries on my mind. May Allah help me.
2) Blessings
As for my family, I've finally stabilised my family's income although there is still so much improvements that can be made. Mum had been helping me by going for a security course this week while sis still doing a tad better in school these days. As for my tuitions, it's tiring but I'm always happy after every lesson as my tutees had been great to teach. This is not to mention the money that have been coming in to help pay off the bills. Meanwhile in camp, my Encik had managed to nominate me for a Service Excellence Award and a promotion to Corporal. This would mean that I'm able to take home a tad more pay next month, not to mention that I've only 2 months remaining to my ORD. Alhamdulillah for all these blessings.. :)
3) The Little Things Give You Away
Ever since Innova, SCDF and my time in prison, I was never the same person again. That shy, fat and troubled boy you see here is no more. But what replaced it is a source of question in my mind. Did I change for the better, or for the worse?
After my time in prison, I told myself that I needed a radical change. Hence, I've retaken my A' levels (much to my happiness to proclaim a small redemption in that), changed my wardrobe and the way I've dressed, stepped up to the plate to take charge of my family's finances, built up my confidence and my positivity (thanks Ben!), lose some weight (thanks to you again Ben!), and the list goes on. Yet, there were questions as to whether I've really changed, or am I just the same guy inside hiding behind a facade of happiness.
As I've went through "hell" during these past 2 years, I've quickly realised that I can't just share whatever emotions or insecurities I'm facing to anyone I know, lest they may use it against me. It has slowly developed into a wall covering my true weaknesses - people only need to know what they are suppose to know. So what they would see is only a simple guy who is carefree and with loads of positivity in life. As for those who had been with me for quite a while, this wall had already been removed. They would know my strengths, my goals, the problems that I'm always facing and the fears that I've always had in me.
Soon, the realisation came. In 2 months time after NS, I'm going back to the same position as I was before, 3 years ago in IJC. All that backstabbing, trust issues, school issues, the blurred lines between guys and girls, clubbing etc. will be back. Am I really ready for this? Yes, I may be matured than what I was before but will I be able to react appropriately to these kinds of situation this time? I do know that I'm a kind of guy who knows how to have fun but there's also that part inside of me that would draw a line to it. I have principles that I want to uphold now. Yet, will others be able to appreciate and respect that? I do not know.
This problem haunted me early when Nicole suddenly texted my out of the blue. Yes I knew her from IJ but I don't want to be tied up to that school again thanks to all the memories it had given me. Yet, I'm a positive person now and wanted to open myself up so I've talked to her. Soon, I've realised that she's somewhat related to the other guys - Kiven, Adilah, Hannan etc. I've kinda promised myself that I wouldn't want to bump into them, lest they still see me as the same "wierdo" as I was before. (Okay, maybe I don't give a fuck about what they think of me but I just don't want to meet them again. Better still, they don't know how much I've changed in appearance). I've stumbled upon a photo of Nicole with her bestie, Jessie (yah I know who she is) and I saw that face - YY. Nicole did mentioned that she wanted to invite me to her birthday party. If I'm gonna bump into her while I'm at the party, then no thanks. I don't want to be related to any of them anymore. I don't want to face my past all over again.
I've somehow realised that when I enter NTU this August, I can never get the clean slate that I've always wanted since IJ. The past will always catch up with me, no matter how far I tried running away from it. There will always be someone that recognises me, regardless of the university that I choose. I can only hope to show a convincing front that I've "changed so much" without letting them see through my insecurities and the things I've faced. This doesn't mean though that I would severe my friendship with Cel, Nicole or anyone else just because they know these guys. It's just that I want to stay away from them. End of story. ^^
There was that moment in time when I've kinda lost track of where I've ended my blog. And it took me a while to read my previous post to remember where I've left off. Essentially nothing major changes really happen in my life. However, there are some notably events that is worth disseminating after my 2 (actually more, much more..) months break. This is at least until this 2013 draws to a close and we begin a new chapter in life in 2014.
1) The Big One ends, again
Apparently I've intended to update this blog the moment I've finished my A' levels back on 27th November. Yet for some reasons I've brushed aside that idea till today. So here's the chronology of what went down during this years A' level. First up, GP....
It was suppose to be a good start to my campaign. The question - How far do you agree that "crime should fit the punishment"?. It was suppose to be easy as I've planned for such an essay before. It was not until I have the exam jitters , constantly making me second guess every single sentence that I used.I knew I had to concede to making my first blunder at the very start of my campaign. In the end, I came out of the classroom flooded with worry in my mind of repeating my past mistakes. And I know just one way to end this thought, 5 minutes into my next paper - ace that comprehension paper. Thankfully the topic of the paper was on heroes and I've managed to ace every part of the paper.
The second paper saw math being contested. I was confident going into the paper after completing almost all of my preliminary and past year papers. Then again I do realise that the paper may be tough due to its unpredictability. The first few question was a breeze until I came to the subsequent questions during the 2nd hour of the paper. Once again, time became my nemesis and I've lost way too much time to even attempt those questions. Back outside, I know that the only way to redeem myself yet again was to do even better in the next paper. Time became abundant to me during the next paper, giving me the opportunity to really think into the questions and do better in the paper.
Chemistry was next. And I was excited to meet this paper again after taking up some tuition on it and doing some prelim paers. The 2nd paper came first and as expected, I put in a good fight for that A. The 1st paper that came the week later was rather a disappointment as I was trying to completely ace the whole of Chemistry for the first time. The lackluster performance gave me a worry that my chance, possibly my only chance, at an A in at least one paper is evanescence.
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The physics paper proved to be the headline in this year's A' level for me, what not with my atrocious score of D in the past year and the fire inside of me to end this misery once and for all. The 2nd paper came first with planning set to be a fresh problem for me. The paper has it's problems from the time limit and the explicit calculation that is needed. I came to that final planning question in the last 10 minute of the paper and it became a rush till the final second to salvage everything for that final question. Soon came the 3rd paper which saw a blast from the past when I've switched my choice of question at the final hour. It paid off (or at least I think it did) when I completed the paper in time with most of the questions in check. It came down to the MCQ paper that saw me making the most crucial blunder in the past. It slowly looked like I'm gonna repeat that mistake again along the course of the final paper until 5 minutes was left on my watch. It became a battle against time and caused me to make tons of mistakes, pulling down my grades significantly.
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The final subject was the very course that I wanted to enroll into from the get go - Geography. There had been loads of trouble for me in this subject as I badly needed a tutor to mark my papers and that I was also teaching my tutee O' levels Geography too at that time. There are many uncertainties going into this paper as an A was badly needed. The first paper came to me as a shock as ALL of my chosen questions did not came out. Frantic and under pressure, I knew that the only way I could survive this paper was to ace the DRQ section completely. The first paper ended with a weary feeling inside my heart, knowing that the chances for me getting an A in Geography for the first time is very slim. Hoping for the better Human Geography paper, I went in with a fighter's spirit. In the end, I've managed to pull through and ace the paper to the best of my abilities, but still disappointed that the A in geography may be elusive once again.
2) The tutees, the Pay and the dream
During this last 2 months, many thoughts ran through my mind if my pay gets cut in January. And the only way I can think of to salvage this situation is to get more assignments by January. Then again, the plan was more complicated than expected. My sister is taking her PSLE this year and much of my focus had to go to making her do well this time round. In addition, I've got NS to attend to and the problems with schedule and off days.
It was never easy to find a tutee after both Saiful and Aishah graduated from the O' levels. And it was the holiday season in November and December so most parents weren't that enthusiastic about have a tutor so early. Yet, I persisted, knowing that I need an assignment badly to pay for my expenses. Alhamdullillah, soon enough I've got an assignment near my camp and it pays for lessons conducted twice weekly. Her name was Panittha and I was hoping to make this tutee another success during the next year's O' level, regardless of her poor English and weakness in Physics. Moreover, she seem to strike me as the kind of girl who is able to put in effort in her studies and only lacks the motivation to do so. However, this isn't enough. I still need more tuition jobs to sustain my family and myself. And God's willing I may just have gotten more in the coming days. ^^
Yet, the road is not always certain. I've spoken to Cel just recently only to find out that there was a rumor that the Earth Sciences course may not be really open next year due to the lack of manpower or students. Furthermore. the selections are very competitive and that there may be a possibility that I may fall short. There is also problems with expenditures. This all leads to the idea of a back-up plan and honestly speaking, I only had the vaguest idea of one. Maybe it's best if I leave it to Him to decide.
3) 6 months to a new beginning
As 2013 draws to a close, I find myself looking forward to 2014 with much optimism. Looking back, 2013 had been bittersweet for me and it was full of ups and downs. It began with me getting out of that hellhole to those tough days rebuilding my life again. Now, some things had changed but there is still much room for improvement.
As 2014 begins, so does my plans after my A' levels. This include taking a driver's license, enrolling into Krav Maga (or maybe Silat) classes to build up on my self-defense, gym and cardio plans and more tuition assignments. Then, there is the Big One results again on March 3 and subsequently the battle plans that have to come in preparation for NTU, from the costs to the course. Hopefully I can keep this dream alive somehow and come out even better by the end of the year, Insyallah. :)
P.S : It took me about a month before I really updated this post so expect lesser updates from me. At least for now. Adios!!! ^^
It seems like the end of the world for me in the previous post, especially after my choices are narrowed down. I've to move forward and apply to a uni with the bits of score that I already have. However, there is that deep thing inside of me, eating me inside out, telling me that I could've done better.
Personally speaking, I'm 90% sure that if I go down the road of re-taking my A-levels, I'm going to do better than what I did previously. But then again, there's just so much variables that had to be taken into account. Firstly, the exam fees that could amount to $700 is something that I couldn't afford right now. Even though I could go about finding financial aid to fund my exam fees, that would guarantee me into re-taking my exams and it is a risk that I must seriously consider. Secondly, how would it all play out in an event I did make it into the course I wanted in NTU? Would I just abandon the whole idea of re-taking even if it eats inside of me for the rest of my life? And finally, assuming I did go on with the plan of the Re-take, how will I bridge the gap between June till November when I'm enlisted for National Service? Seriously, I can't go on for 6 months without studying and hoping that I could do better this time round.
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So currently, where do I stand? I've done applying to both NUS and NTU, with FASS (Faculty of Arts and Social Science) being the 1st choice for NUS and all the courses related to the Faculty of Science are on the list of choices for NTU. Why? All this in the hope of pursuing my dreams of becoming a Geophysical scientist, researching about the Earth and it's natural hazards and providing better mitigation measures that could save thousands of lives. For NUS, it's in FASS where I could pursue a Geography Major towards my dreams. On the other hand, NTU provides a better chance and course that could bring me closer to my dreams. After researching about the Earth Sciences course online and through it's open house, the course is only open in 2013 and it would be easier for me to enter the course via transfer if I'd gain entry into the Faculty of Sciences first. Looking at this Earth Sciences and Engineering course at one glance and I'd already knew it all along that that is what I want to do in the future. So now it all comes down to hopes and prayers again, waiting for the results of the applications to come out and go my way. Insyallah..
As for the Re-take plan, it is still in motion. I've applied for a re-take this year after much discussion with my mom about it and lots of thinking on my part. Apparently, they had a policy of allowing you to withdraw from the exams with a full refund in an event you really did make it into the course you preferred in uni. As for the fees, I've planned to use up some of my salary from my great job at Cathay to pay up in instalment and get some financial aid from the government in doing so. However, these are all plans and may or may not happen altogether. I just hope that Allah bless my plans and steer me into the right path even after I've done Him wrong one too many times...
Moving away for this depressing issue, it has been going great working at the Cathay after 1 month since I've joined in (although there were hiccups here and there from time to time). I've just done my OJT (on-job training) and would most likely be relieved of the "Trainee" status in a few months from now. I'd really do hope that it would stay that way for the longest time.
Apart from that, recently I've met up with Celine again and told her of my intentions of re-taking my A-levels again. During that time too that I've found out that YY did not make the cut into uni after getting a fail for her H2 mathematics. Apparently she was offered to do a re-take by the school but she insisted not to. So what is her future now?(not that it matters) I don't know but most probably towards poly(gg there). Sincerely speaking, I really do pity her and feel for her but she really had it coming. Nothing can change that fact now. My first mistake was loving her and thinking that she would accept me. That will never happen again. I would rather focus my energy on saving my a** which is on the line right now..<3
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