Freedom of choice

   Freedom, some may feel that it is the liberty to do whatever we want...while others may say that it is the freedom to make our choices from the vast options out there in life. It is from the freedom of choice that sometimes results in failures and heartbreaks. However, it may also be a lesson for us to make better decisions in the future. Whilst it is clearly true that we do regret some of the choices we make in life, sometimes it is just inevitable... I've never been perfect, but neither have you..

   Life is never a simple equation. Sometimes our feeling and emotions may cloud our judgement, leading to rash decisions and even painful consequences. It gets even harder when a mistake in the spur of the moment results in a regret of a lifetime. It could have come anywhere from choosing to have a life of crime or even the ones we want to love. We may have the freedom to choose the life we want...but we may still be prisoners on the inside, still tied up to our past.

   On the flip side, it may not always be a bad thing. This freedom sometime serve as a great lesson in life, some form of experience that helps us mold our character. Yes, it may seem that we have wasted a certain part of our live from the decisions we made in the past but what's past should remain as past. It should never be brought forward and affect the way we lead our lives. As you stare at your past right in front of you, take one good look at it...and just walk away.

   Personally, the past year was filled with wrong decisions, heartbreaks and failures. While the liberty is there to make the right choice, I choose to deviate in an act of defiance. Choosing the wrong person to love was another mistake altogether. It have almost led me to think that love itself was a mistake. Moving on, I've felt that I'm more stronger and prudent in the choices I make. Now I just hope that this year would turn out to be a better year in the end. The hurt will always be there... but this time I will still be standing there in a better position that you are. What kills me or you makes me stronger inside.<3

Redemption

   Redeeming the past, redeeming what you've done wrong…that is the goal of everyone from before. It is universally agreed now that people can never run away from making mistakes, especially the ones that makes you regret for the rest of your life. It is never as simple as not repeating our past wrong doings. Redemption, the road to regain the trusts of others that you've lost, the pain of climbing back out from that "hole" and starting from the very beginning, the aftermath of our mistakes that will keep on haunting us every step of our life. This battle was never meant to be easy.

   It does not matter what was the mistake or how big was it, it lies in the fact of whether we are ready to mend our ways and start living our life from a different perspective. It simply does not help when you keep brooding on  the past or even wishing that you could reverse the travel of time for you to amend your mistakes. If that is the case, then talking about redemption would have been irrelevant. Like what I once explained before, our mistakes will never be too far from us. Sometimes that mistake would be the distraction, impeding us from moving on in life. Sometime the consequences of a past mistakes is still felt by us, continuously hurting us like a venom in our blood.

   To me, love was my mistake. After making a huge mistake last year by pushing too far and confessing my feelings towards the wrong girl…the girl who will never love or appreciate me for who I am or what I've done, I am ready to move on. But likewise, the effects of that mistake will always be there. Constantly seeing her everywhere and claiming that we are still "friends" but still as cold as if we are strangers, my mistake  would always follow me around. It would be a lie if I claimed that I've moved on completely. I mean the pain is still there…like an closed wound that takes a long time to heal. Because of love, everything that I'm doing before turns out to be a mistake. This is why I've wanted to redeem myself. I've lost the trust of the people whom supported me all this while and I've paid the price of my mistakes. I just wanted my life to be better.

   Redemption is in itself a long and hard process of finding yourself again…regaining your life back. It may seem to be hard at first, but the constant preserving for the life you've once had would pay off soon. Regardless of the mistake done, it is your past and it is not something that should be dragging you from achieving what you've always wanted in life.

Every step of the way

   Taking the first step is never easy, especially when you are getting up from a downfall. It becomes even harder when the lure and desire to make the same mistake all over again is constantly there in front of you. Yes  it hurts and it will always will, but when you're determine to make a difference, your mind will set itself for the change. It is totally understandable that it is easier said than done. Nobody's perfect;  your emotions, feelings and thinking may not always be predictable.  It does not matter whether we are discussing about life, career or even love, the hardest part of ending is starting again. You may be successful at the start, but that constant interference and distraction may pull you down again. We can never run from the mistakes and consequences of our past, but that in itself may be the motivation to change ourselves and move forward.

   The fight will never be over. However, what's most essential here is the fact that you are improving in the first place. As much as the pressure on you to change is concerned, nobody could ever be different overnight…at least I've never seen one before in my life. But one thing's for sure is that you will naturally see the difference you make in your life and the lives of others. Don't ever set your goals to be the best among the best…for all the fame and glory that may come with it. Like I said, the improvement is paramount here. Moreover, the higher you hope, the harder you may fall if you fail to achieve it. Have faith and let go…for sometimes letting go may take you higher.

   Sometimes love in itself may be a mistake. It may tear you apart…bring you down…and  be the venom that constantly hurts you.  Rejections , especially is something that is hard to get over. You keep on asking yourself…Where did I go wrong? Was it a mistake to express my feelings? Is it love or just a warm, fuzzy feeling inside of me? It becomes worse when you see them choosing someone over you. Who's to blame here? Was it my mistake in loving her…or the fact that she doesn't love and appreciate me the way I do inside? These questions will keep coming , and it will not stop until you realise that it was never your fault. Nobody should be blame for harboring feelings towards someone. Once again, it is never as easy as saying that there are many other fishes in the sea or for the fact that you are already destined for someone, especially if you are constantly seeing them everyday. It could be for that one moment….for that one point in time where both of you are close and opening your hearts out to each other. But sometimes it is just the fact that you already know it will never happen…you and her are never meant to be together. And all you could do is watch from afar…hoping that they will happy with the one they loved…while you pick up the pieces and move on. However, always bear in mind that your life is never over without them…for sometimes goodbye's a second chance.

Better in time

   Its April and it hadn't been easy. With our first tier exam results just out, I witnessed all of it. Both how badly I've done and how well I've done...well at least I must say I've mostly improved since the last exam. With 2 out of my 3 main subjects falling below the passing rate and 2 other side subjects miraculously passes well. Once again that thought came up.Should I just give up now...after all that I've gone through? I've worked so hard...too hard...to die out right now. I'd really wished that my grades could get better. Like I once said, all that I just want is for me and my family's life to be better. That was my goal all along in life since the beginning.
   Sometimes I feel that there must be something better that would come out of all this. Everyone kept saying that. Now all I could do is hope that it will be true. That's what left of me. Praying for things to get better someday. Moreover, life lessons can never be learnt from books right? I mean you could be intellectually inclined from studying all your life but you can never learnt about life in that means. You have to experience it to realise the lessons it may give. As for me, this time, I've got a feeling...an instinct that all that I hope for will come true. Time...that's just what matters.
   Somehow it may be sooner than I've thought, I hope. I began to sense and feel that my peers are becoming more comfortable with my presence and laughed at the jokes that I've cracked. As for my results, its good to see that it is improving at least rather than degrading. As for Ying Yan or as I would call her "Miss Flirty" as described by my good friend from Europe, my feelings for her are slowly fading away...as if I just couldn't care less of whatever she is doing anymore. With my studies and a family to handle, I just simply lost focus on her. Although I may have a tinge of feelings for her, whatever she does...all the pain she gave me from her actions every time...are beginning to lose its effect on me day by day. I think this is what everyone is implying...just forget about her...
   I may be clueless about this but maybe this is what destiny is. Maybe this is also how destiny corrects what I've did wrong...mending my mistakes and future so that it would get better. Maybe even forgetting her may lead to something good...something or someone that could reverse all this.