It's the holidays now and at last I've found some time to blog a bit more frequently. Ok... maybe that's an understatement as right after my so-called holidays are the preliminaries. But still, a holiday's still a holiday right? For me, a holiday is a opportunity to at least do something right this time after a half year full of stress on my emotions and of course, my brain. And so the list begins...going overseas, shopping, loads of music, catch-up TV on all my favorite series and last but not least, studying?!
A lot of people around the globe are in need of a holiday but are always clogged up with more and more work by the day instead. Personally, still being a student is a blessing in disguise. At least we are given our fixture of holidays in the summer and the winter. Moreover, this is a badly needed holiday before the dreaded A' levels in November. Right after the holidays would be some of the toughest days of my student life, that I cold guarantee. In some way, this holiday is a way I can recuperate, recharge and reset my mind, body and perspectives before the second half of the battle begins. In fact, this is what everybody should be doing...taking a weeks holiday off regardless of how much workload they are bogged down with. Moreover, spending some time with your family will do far more greater good than slugging it out at work to give monetary luxuries to your family.
On my part, the work life may not be too far away...but now that should not be my focus. The holiday serves as a chance to rethink of what have I done in the past one and a half year...both wrong and right. While there is that few moments of glory, especially after the first round of results...the mistakes are always there...unless I improve on it by time. This could very well be the turning point in my life. As for her, this may be a chance for me to rethink about my initial decision to be close to her again. With mounting pressure to make the right decisions this time and to succeed, maybe it's time I should give up on that idea. No matter how much I tried to mend our friendship ever since the last meltdown, things will never be the same again. Letting go is a good idea now.:)
Everybody have hopes. Most of the time, we try our level best to get it. But what happens when you try too hard? There is a big difference between giving the optimum and trying too much. It is never wrong to have something to dream on...but what if it is certainly a distant hope? Are you going to do whatever it takes to achieve it, even sacrificing yourself in the process?
Someone once said that the higher you hope, the harder you will fall. To me, this is especially true in the matter of love. Although I'm long over her, but there is still that feeling...that "dream" that one day she will love me. And then you began to try you best to get close to her despite the fallout that you had in the past year. But you never realise that what you're doing is actually hurting you even more. Love is always a funny thing, at least that's what I think. It the same as destiny, unpredictable and hard to comprehend. However, more often than not, some love and relationship just could not work.
Like I once said, life is never a simple equation where everything is predictable. There will always be feelings and emotions that cloud our thoughts. For me, all that I just hope for was actually for someone to love me just the way like I do to her. But with each heartbreak...each meltdown, that hope is fading away. As I notice her yesterday, half of my heart was yearning for her to speak to me the way we once did in the past. I knew that it will never happen, but my feelings are always asking me to give it a chance. The question is...after what happen in the past, is this trying too hard? Not being to let someone go is a sign that we aren't able to fully move on... but one's feelings can never fully go away just like that.
6 more months are left before this will all end. Even the hope of it all to end well seems to be too far from reality. At the end of the day, this feeling inside of me is too hard to be forgotten. While my head is clearly in the game, that hope will never go away...regardless what happens in the end. All you can wish for is that you will be able to persevere the remainder of the time being in the background...staring from the the side and wishing that it was you and not him that is close to her. And the only thing you can do is to make yourself as busy as possible just to forget that she even exist...but you know it doesn't last forever...
As the first preliminary exams approaches, many things are on my mind. Especially the fact that I really do not want to fail this time. It's all about redemption this time. I remember clearly how I let myself drift apart and ended up failing miserably previously. With mounting pressure on my back to do what's right, I surely do not want to fail this time.
At least one things for certain is that situations have changed right now. Maybe to be more precise, I've changed a lot since the first time I stepped into IJC. While I was very stubborn, defiant,weak and most certainly lovestruck in the past year, this time perseverance, fighting spirit and the very will to survive is what that replaces. I am most certainly not going to let anyone or anything to impede me from achieving my dreams this time. I am just one step away from it. Wouldn't it be utterly stupid to let something block your way when you are very close to getting what you want?
The battle is just beginning. In 6 months time, there will be a war...whether I'm already prepared for it or I'm not. With the stakes more higher than ever...and that everybody that really cares about me are rooting for me to pull something out of all this mess, all I could do now is to prepare myself as much as I could and go all out in the final battle. I know very well that I'm capable, and if God's willing, able to pull out a miracle at the final minute. I have never been a person who always took the lead but instead someone who will always come from behind to win it. I don't need to make you lose or win every battle, all I need is to win the war...
