Unresolved

   As April inched closer, my dilemma still remained unsolved. Regardless of my haunting A' level results, I remain unfazed. I'd really wanted to do this, to re-take and show that I could've done this right if I was given a second chance. However, another part of me is facing the reality of moving on. It is in that bitter fact that what's done is already done weighs on my heart greatly. My decisions are still uncertain and I don't have much time to contemplate on them greatly. It is either that I make the biggest mistakes of my life or do the right thing the second time round. But, then again, that may not be the biggest mistakes of my life...


   Being deluded by the perception of love and friendship could be one of those mistakes. I'd quite regretted having feelings for people who do not know how to appreciate such feelings (yes, that's you, Ying Yan!). I should have known a long time ago that we would never work out and not to be an idiot (and to look like an idiot..) to pursue such feelings. And then there is that illusion of friendship and popularity that constantly bugged me. I've spent my whole 2 years chasing after it and trying to salvage my deterioration "image" in front of my peers and schoolmates till I've lose sight of what's really important in life - being yourself.


   Now that the sin had already been done, the purpose becomes more of finding a redemption rather than revenge against what had already been done. I simply don't want to look back in anger when I'm 10 or 20 years down the road, feeling that I've let everybody down including myself for some stupid decisions I've decided to take on my own. It was never about jealousy, rage or contempt. Yes, I was ultimately pissed off when I got my results but that was never the reason why.


   So, the plan currently still stands. I've registered for a second shot at the Big One with the fees still pending. On the other side, I've done my applications for both NTU and NUS, hoping and praying that somehow I'll work, especially for the NTU application. After having a chat with Bakhtiar, my counsellor, he advised me that most government agencies are not able to help me in my fees, especially with the fact that I've already passed the exams in the first attempt. He also advised me to just grab the course (seriously, any course..) and run, in an event that either one of the universities do offer me a place in that course. This is something I'd really don't want to do. Somehow, I'm still adamant that I could work it out with SEAB (The examination committee) for an instalment plan or something and hopefully that would work. Moreover, my pay's coming on the 28th so I can still spare some cash for the fees. But then again, I have to consider carefully the possibilities of studying while I'm undergoing National Service. That could make or break my grades ultimately, Frankly speaking, I'm in a seriously sticky situation right now. Any wrong decision could spell the end of my future and possibly my dreams. <3


   Peeta - "I just wish I could think of a way to show them that they don't own me. If I am going to die, I would still want to be me"
   
   Katniss - "I just can't afford to think like that."


~The Hunger Games

Where you stand

   It seems like the end of the world for me in the previous post, especially after my choices are narrowed down. I've to move forward and apply to a uni with the bits of score that I already have. However, there is that deep thing inside of me, eating me inside out, telling me that I could've done better.

   


   Personally speaking, I'm 90% sure that if I go down the road of re-taking my A-levels, I'm going to do better than what I did previously. But then again, there's just so much variables that had to be taken into account. Firstly, the exam fees that could amount to $700 is something that I couldn't afford right now. Even though I could go about finding financial aid to fund my exam fees, that would guarantee me into re-taking my exams and it is a risk that I must seriously consider. Secondly, how would it all play out in an event I did make it into the course I wanted in NTU? Would I just abandon the whole idea of re-taking even if it eats inside of me for the rest of my life? And finally, assuming I did go on with the plan of the Re-take, how will I bridge the gap between June till November when I'm enlisted for National Service? Seriously, I can't go on for 6 months without studying and hoping that I could do better this time round.
         

     So currently, where do I stand? I've done applying to both NUS and NTU, with FASS (Faculty of Arts and Social Science) being the 1st choice for NUS and all the courses related to the Faculty of Science are on the list of choices for NTU. Why? All this in the hope of pursuing my dreams of becoming a Geophysical scientist, researching about the Earth and it's natural hazards and providing better mitigation measures that could save thousands of lives. For NUS, it's in FASS where I could pursue a Geography Major towards my dreams. On the other hand, NTU provides a better chance and course that could bring me closer to my dreams. After researching about the Earth Sciences course online and through it's open house, the course is only open in 2013 and it would be easier for me to enter the course via transfer if I'd gain entry into the Faculty of Sciences first. Looking at this Earth Sciences and Engineering course at one glance and I'd already knew it all along that that is what I want to do in the future. So now it all comes down to hopes and prayers again, waiting for the results of the applications to come out and go my way. Insyallah..


   As for the Re-take plan, it is still in motion. I've applied for a re-take this year after much discussion with my mom about it and lots of thinking on my part. Apparently, they had a policy of allowing you to withdraw from the exams with a full refund in an event you really did make it into the course you preferred in uni. As for the fees, I've planned to use up some of my salary from my great job at Cathay to pay up in instalment and get some financial aid from the government in doing so. However, these are all plans and may or may not happen altogether. I just hope that Allah bless my plans and steer me into the right path even after I've done Him wrong one too many times...


   Moving away for this depressing issue, it has been going great working at the Cathay after 1 month since I've joined in (although there were hiccups here and there from time to time). I've just done my OJT (on-job training) and would most likely be relieved of the "Trainee" status in a few months from now. I'd really do hope that it would stay that way for the longest time.

   Apart from that, recently I've met up with Celine again and told her of my intentions of re-taking my A-levels again. During that time too that I've found out that YY did not make the cut into uni after getting a fail for her H2 mathematics. Apparently she was offered to do a re-take by the school but she insisted not to. So what is her future now?(not that it matters) I don't know but most probably towards poly(gg there). Sincerely speaking, I really do pity her and feel for her but she really had it coming. Nothing can change that fact now. My first mistake was loving her and thinking that she would accept me. That will never happen again. I would rather focus my energy on saving my a** which is on the line right now..<3

Sudden death

   After 4 months of waiting, the dreaded day finally came - The final result of the Big One. Lots of emotions are running high as the clock ticks down to 2 pm when the results are finally announced.  As for me, after the Friday prayers, I was on my way to IJC together with Arif, Harith and the other guys. Only God knows how terrified I am of my results, especially after remembering how much I had screwed up some of the exam papers.However, all I could do back then was to Zikir and Solat, praying hard that Allah would grant me a miracle for me to ace the A' levels.

   Into the hall we entered as soon as we arrived and we are seated according to our classes. The tension was mounting higher and higher as the Principal made her speech and delivered the stats of our cohorts performance in this year's National Examination. It just doesn't help when they proceed on it giving the results slip to the top students from the various classes first on stage before the release of the results. However, when I did not hear Sumi's nor Daniel's name being mentioned on stage, I'd already knew that something wasn't right and that the results were much worse off than initially expected.

   While one by one of my classmates have already collected their results, it took me a lot of courage to face Mr Ma and see my result. In the end, it did not go down well. The final scoreline - GP (C), Chemistry (C), Geography (B), Math (C) and Physics (D).  It was no mention how appalled I was with my results after all the hard work I've put in throughout this whole 2 years. It became even worse when many of my classmates actually did much better than me. All I could back then was stone into space, contemplating on my results. As I walked around the hall trying to clear the air, I saw even more of my peers doing very well and jumping for joy at their achievements (or improvements to be exact). However, what pissed me off is the very fact that some of them didn't even put in as much effort as I did and eventually they did much better than me. But now it's too late to turn back...


   As some of the students jump for joy, some called their parents or friends to convey their results and others took a barrage of pictures (I wasn't even in the picture my class took during the results due to shame), I tried talking it out to Mr Zee about my chances and options left for me. I also took the time to apologise to the teachers like Mdm Zalinah and Mr  Ng for my "unexpected" results. Obviously, the teachers were consoling me and telling me that it wasn't my fault but I knew better that I caused all of this to happen. 


   Coming to think of it, I'd already knew that I wouldn't be getting a straight A's or better but I'd never expected to get a shocking grade like this. My mom could only blame me and only me for this, citing that this is the retribution I've got for all the sins I've did throughout these 2 years. I couldn't do anything but to concede with her. Yes, I accept full responsibility for all that has happened to me and there's no one else that should be blamed for my downfall again. Allah have tried to wake me up countless of times but I doesn't seem to care or even heed His warnings. And now, this is what happens..


   Looking into my chances optimistically (and pessimistically too), I've got a small chance to get into an Earth Sciences and Engineering course at NTU according to Mr Zee. This is because the course is relatively new, no one's ever heard of it and there were no prerequisite currently. However, most probably my grades were too low for such a course and I can only find out more about it on 10th March at the NTU Open House. Another option is an even slimmer chance at going into NUS Arts and Social Sciences faculty, taking up a Geog major. There were alternatives such as Nursing, Engineering and Arts but I would rather re-take my A's rather than going for such a course I'm not passionate about and waste my 4 years there. Speaking of which, there's that last resort of me re-taking my A' levels this year, with me believing and very adamant that I could do much, much more better this time. However, I'll be wasting 1 more year of my life doing so. Hence, right now, I'm confused and worried about what I want to do next. My plan was to apply (and appeal and beg too) to such courses at both of the Uni's and if unsuccessful, I'll have to re-take "It" all over again. I will need money for that so there goes my pay from the Cathay job to fund that. Private candidate's by 17th March for registration and 2 April to pay up for a second stab at the A' levels.

   Hopefully, Allah would save me this time around cos' if not, there might not be any future for me anymore. Please forgive me and please save me Allah. I have nothing left to fend myself and my family. I've realised that it was entirely my fault that all this has happened to me so please help me. You're my one and only hope now... :'(

The sum of all consequences

   Today's March 1st and yes, it's been some time since I last updated my blog. On way or another, I just can't find the time nor the mood to update it. Moreover, there's just too many things that I needed to clear up first. Obviously, many things have changed and not to mention how fast time flies by. It was like yesterday when I finished my final Chemistry paper on 29th November and now we're 1 day before the results of the Big One.

   After tons of job applications, countless of job interviews and being on the verge of giving up, I've finally found another job thanks to Ashraff. The long search to find a replacement job have take a toll on my family's income and it became worse when the bills started piling up. It was then when I met Ashraff at Causeway Point and together we attempted a last ditch effort to find a job there. And thank God, there were vacancies for ushers at the Cathay Cineplexes on level 7. Unfortunately, only I've got in while Ashraff's application was still pending by the management. So, throughout this past two weeks, I've been trained in handling positions such as Greeter, Runner, Back counters and 3D glasses for a mere $5 per hour. The pay's a bitch if not for the perks that comes with it, such as free popcorns, movies and friends that come along with it. 


   Recently I've went to the NUS Open House thanks to Mr Zee's invitation. That's when I was enlightened about campus life and the courses offered there. Moreover, there was a proper praying area and groups catered to Muslims (Thank God...). The tour guide, who was a second year Geog major student, told us about the criteria needed to just enter the faculty, the road you take after the successful application and the possibilities of work prospects out there. All in all, I had a great time there and the Open House was informative and educational to say the least.

   It has been a long and hard fight for 2 years and it all comes down to this day. Looking back at all the previous posts about the exams and how I'd fare for all of them just makes me even more nervous about its impending results. Its not that I wasn't confident about how much effort I've put in during the Big One, it's more of all the mistakes that I've done that could come back and haunt me tomorrow. I've to admit that I have not been the best son towards my mom and the best servant of Allah after all the mistakes that I've done. But somehow I still believe deep down inside me me that Allah is not cruel and that insyallah Allah would grant success to me. Miracles do and could come from Him he He wants it to happen. Unfortunately, the same questions keep popping inside of my head-Is it already too late to turn back now the damage is done? Will my sins be ever forgiven by Allah or will it come back and bite me in a form of retribution tomorrow? Will I be given a second chance to change what is wrong in me or would I have to pay the ultimate price of defiance? I can only leave it to God to decide my fate tomorrow. All I can and will do now is to pray hard that a miracle would happen tomorrow..