Unresolved

   As April inched closer, my dilemma still remained unsolved. Regardless of my haunting A' level results, I remain unfazed. I'd really wanted to do this, to re-take and show that I could've done this right if I was given a second chance. However, another part of me is facing the reality of moving on. It is in that bitter fact that what's done is already done weighs on my heart greatly. My decisions are still uncertain and I don't have much time to contemplate on them greatly. It is either that I make the biggest mistakes of my life or do the right thing the second time round. But, then again, that may not be the biggest mistakes of my life...


   Being deluded by the perception of love and friendship could be one of those mistakes. I'd quite regretted having feelings for people who do not know how to appreciate such feelings (yes, that's you, Ying Yan!). I should have known a long time ago that we would never work out and not to be an idiot (and to look like an idiot..) to pursue such feelings. And then there is that illusion of friendship and popularity that constantly bugged me. I've spent my whole 2 years chasing after it and trying to salvage my deterioration "image" in front of my peers and schoolmates till I've lose sight of what's really important in life - being yourself.


   Now that the sin had already been done, the purpose becomes more of finding a redemption rather than revenge against what had already been done. I simply don't want to look back in anger when I'm 10 or 20 years down the road, feeling that I've let everybody down including myself for some stupid decisions I've decided to take on my own. It was never about jealousy, rage or contempt. Yes, I was ultimately pissed off when I got my results but that was never the reason why.


   So, the plan currently still stands. I've registered for a second shot at the Big One with the fees still pending. On the other side, I've done my applications for both NTU and NUS, hoping and praying that somehow I'll work, especially for the NTU application. After having a chat with Bakhtiar, my counsellor, he advised me that most government agencies are not able to help me in my fees, especially with the fact that I've already passed the exams in the first attempt. He also advised me to just grab the course (seriously, any course..) and run, in an event that either one of the universities do offer me a place in that course. This is something I'd really don't want to do. Somehow, I'm still adamant that I could work it out with SEAB (The examination committee) for an instalment plan or something and hopefully that would work. Moreover, my pay's coming on the 28th so I can still spare some cash for the fees. But then again, I have to consider carefully the possibilities of studying while I'm undergoing National Service. That could make or break my grades ultimately, Frankly speaking, I'm in a seriously sticky situation right now. Any wrong decision could spell the end of my future and possibly my dreams. <3


   Peeta - "I just wish I could think of a way to show them that they don't own me. If I am going to die, I would still want to be me"
   
   Katniss - "I just can't afford to think like that."


~The Hunger Games