Fighting within the crossfire

Finally the promo results are out. As expected, many people including her didn’t make the cut. Although only 15% did not make it but that’s surely a lot of people not making it. As for me, I was assured promotion but what shocked me was the result of mine. I could not believe that this time I could not even get a “B” grade, not mentioning an “A” grade for any of my subjects. Worse still, my best 2 subjects could not even help either. All I could see in my results are all “C”s, a “D” and even an “E’! It’s not as if I did not appreciate it being promoted or something…it’s just that my results are getting worse. And the funniest part of it all, I do know why my results turn out to be like that.

2010 had been a tough year for me and well, everyone. Especially getting a shitting result like that at the end of the year really sucks. Throughout the whole year many things had occurred to me. Firstly and most obviously is Ying Yan. It was hard for me to forget her as she was my first true crush and that I liked her from the beginning I met her. But as days goes by, it became obvious that she doesn’t reciprocate my feelings let alone like me…although she knows that I like her. Then it all came to the confession which led to the meltdown of our friendship…or at least what’s left of it. Since then she doesn’t want to talk to me as she feels awkward around me and tries to avoid me.

Next up, my attitude change. It was bad enough that I was not a good son nor brother at times…but the moment I stepped into a JC it became worse. Now I became more conscious of my social status instead of my responsibility…caring more about friends than family. At first it was not obvious but then after some time it morphed into a habit. I became rude towards my parents and that my attitude had turned into being short tempered, rebellious and sometimes manipulative. Towards the end of the year, it became obvious that I have turn myself to what I had been before…4 years ago when I was retained at Secondary 2.

Finally, it’s all because of me in the first place. It was hard living a life like this…no matter how much I tried I will always be the weirdo, the social misfit. It hurts even more seeing couples in the mall whereas I could not even capture the heart of my crush. It kills seeing me pushing the limits in terms of my studies and yet obtaining a lack luster result like that. Nothing has been right for me this year. It’s really killing me from the inside.

The results were a good indicator of my current issues in my life…like fighting within the crossfire. Trying to stand up against all odd coming from every direction…but still failing in the end. Always wishing for a miracle, a new will to fight and survive but missing the most important part of it all, finding myself back. For I wasn’t like this before…I was different, I was unique…I am who I am. Till I find myself again, I can never find the key to my problems. And so I ask myself time and again…Who am I? What I am truly fighting to achieve? And what do I actually want from myself? SIGH…..

Half of my heart

In a blink of an eye, almost a year had passed. If there is one I've realized from the experience I faced during my first year as a freshmen in a JC, I am not ready for social life. Yet half of my heart tells me that I'm ready...ready to face the world and to experience a new life and happiness. I'm just not ready for all that.

About 10 months ago, I stepped into IJC thinking I could start afresh after a hectic but mundane life at Montfort sec. However now I wish I was in Montfort all over again. I can see the transformation in me. It is not as if I am getting any better in my studies or my attitude. I am beginning to be part of my past again. The snobbish, arrogant, in denial and thinks the world is his "me" is back. And I hated him...Because of this guy I've faced the biggest disappointment in my life at sec 2. I am becoming more and more like him

The signs are already there...not being able to let go of Facebook, being short tempered with my family, not concentrating fully on my studies and even wanting to have a girlfriend. If I don't change now...the implications could be severe. This time I could lose more than my dignity...I could lose my life. That's also why I'm gonna let her go, as she will be just a distraction in my life. I know...she doesn't want a life like mine. Yet half of my heart still hopes....

21 Guns

21 reasons why I should not confess :

1. I am just a vague friend of hers

2. I am incompatible with her

3. Her friends don’t really like me

4. There is only a 1% chance of me being together with her

5. There is other guys who are better than me

6. She is already close with another guy

7. It has a bad implications on my life

8. She is actually trying to avoid me

9. There is just too much long-term effects

10. I am just overestimating my friendship with her

11. She already confess that she only likes me as a friend

12. We are just two different people

13. It will just break my heart to listen to her answer

14. She is not going to be with me next year

15. It is the wrong timing to do that

16. I am just not ready

17. It will just affect my studies

18. Her family will certainly not accept this

19. She rarely talks to me

20.She hates being with me

21.Why throw all my effort that I worked in my studies for 5 years all in the name of that 1% chance that she really likes me and reciprocates my feelings!

And in the end I still did the confession...How stupid right!

What now?

After confessing to her about my feelings two days ago, she immediately felt awkward and is going to avoid me forever. Anyway I had already expected this was going to happen. In fact I don't blame her for all this. Moreover, the confession comes after my cousin told me to confess first and thereafter let her go. So in the fire i went and this is where I stand...

Looking back on my Facebook message wall when I remember receiving a message from a good friend of mine. It really makes me think...I really should forget about her this time...

Sometimes, it is just too difficult, if not impossible, to stop the way you feel for another person. If your feelings for this other person are good, pure and genuine, I don't see why this can be deemed as wrong, regardless of whether this person reciprocates your feelings or not. Such feelings are in fact, a part of human nature.

The feelings are not wrong in themselves but if you do not manage them properly, then you might end up doing the wrong things, which will have consequences. At your current stage in life, your studies must occupy the first priority. You know very well that this will have a great impact on your life in future. Hence, if there is something that might detract you from your studies, or even cause you to not perform at your best, it must be avoided. Though there may be a few exceptions, most relationships that started during the schooling years do not end up becoming a permanent, stable relationship, i.e. marriage. Even if it does, a marriage involves more than just a warm, fuzzy feeling of romance in the heart. It also involves many other practical issues and having a good education will put you in good stead to handle them.

What's more, this person doesn't even seem to be reciprocating your feelings. It is not wrong for you to have special feelings towards her but it is important that you are in control of yourself. One of the key marks of an adult, especially a man, is the ability to exercise control over one's feelings and not let them override one's reason. Take it as a challenge to help you develop your resilience and strength of character. Who knows what the future may hold? Perhaps if you maintain a simple friendship with her, she might have a change of heart in the future. Or perhaps, you might meet someone more suited to you? Whichever way, you'll be more ready to handle it then.

Failure to launch

Once again I’ve proven myself to be a jack of all trades again. I am able to solve and confront others problems but not able to even solve mine. I really thought I could have gotten over her but I kept thinking about her a lot lately. Can I blame myself for being like that? Seeing her photos on Facebook just makes it even worse.

Somehow I’ve got myself in control lately by not thinking of her too much but lately after listening to her saying that she might not be able to make it to JC2 next year make my heart breaks. Frankly speaking I feel like consoling her but I just kinda again feel that she doesn’t want to talk to me about it. If only I could tell her how much I feel about her, I would but it’s just too complicated. I seriously have a low self-esteem of myself and she is like, one of the most likeable girl around. However according to my intel, she had already knew of my feelings of her. But still maybe the frank confession would not come anyway….

On another note, at least there is something to be happy about. The exams are over!!!!!! At least now I can rest or maybe go watch a movie. Maybe this will help me to further forget her... there is no way I could get her. Although Celine and Naomi told me that the future may change and she will like me somehow but I sadly think otherwise. Maybe I’m really destined to be solo for now.