Fighting within the crossfire

Finally the promo results are out. As expected, many people including her didn’t make the cut. Although only 15% did not make it but that’s surely a lot of people not making it. As for me, I was assured promotion but what shocked me was the result of mine. I could not believe that this time I could not even get a “B” grade, not mentioning an “A” grade for any of my subjects. Worse still, my best 2 subjects could not even help either. All I could see in my results are all “C”s, a “D” and even an “E’! It’s not as if I did not appreciate it being promoted or something…it’s just that my results are getting worse. And the funniest part of it all, I do know why my results turn out to be like that.

2010 had been a tough year for me and well, everyone. Especially getting a shitting result like that at the end of the year really sucks. Throughout the whole year many things had occurred to me. Firstly and most obviously is Ying Yan. It was hard for me to forget her as she was my first true crush and that I liked her from the beginning I met her. But as days goes by, it became obvious that she doesn’t reciprocate my feelings let alone like me…although she knows that I like her. Then it all came to the confession which led to the meltdown of our friendship…or at least what’s left of it. Since then she doesn’t want to talk to me as she feels awkward around me and tries to avoid me.

Next up, my attitude change. It was bad enough that I was not a good son nor brother at times…but the moment I stepped into a JC it became worse. Now I became more conscious of my social status instead of my responsibility…caring more about friends than family. At first it was not obvious but then after some time it morphed into a habit. I became rude towards my parents and that my attitude had turned into being short tempered, rebellious and sometimes manipulative. Towards the end of the year, it became obvious that I have turn myself to what I had been before…4 years ago when I was retained at Secondary 2.

Finally, it’s all because of me in the first place. It was hard living a life like this…no matter how much I tried I will always be the weirdo, the social misfit. It hurts even more seeing couples in the mall whereas I could not even capture the heart of my crush. It kills seeing me pushing the limits in terms of my studies and yet obtaining a lack luster result like that. Nothing has been right for me this year. It’s really killing me from the inside.

The results were a good indicator of my current issues in my life…like fighting within the crossfire. Trying to stand up against all odd coming from every direction…but still failing in the end. Always wishing for a miracle, a new will to fight and survive but missing the most important part of it all, finding myself back. For I wasn’t like this before…I was different, I was unique…I am who I am. Till I find myself again, I can never find the key to my problems. And so I ask myself time and again…Who am I? What I am truly fighting to achieve? And what do I actually want from myself? SIGH…..