Job rants

   It's been a week since I first started working at the telemarketing company and I'd already dreaded it. Not that it doesn't pay enough but the very fact that office jobs are too boring and exhaustive. Moreover, my daily incentives were cut off just for being late for 1 minute. Ok, its fair enough that they were being strict until they gave a pass to another employee who was later than me, off without even a warning! Anyhow I'm still doing fine at the job (though today's poor performance caused me to be suspended till Tuesday) but its just exhaustive, that's all...


   Recent incidents have left me in tears too many times. Yup, with a financial crisis, a partly irresponsible parents and the fact that I'm working my a** off trying to salvage my family, it takes a toll on me. I'm working like madness after the exams and going to take in another part-time job at night too. With this, I can declare myself insane soon. Ben just reiterated this when I told him about my plans during our weekly gym session. Thanks to Ashraff, I've landed a second job at Fish n' Co., a restaurant (not a fast food joint mind you!) catered to serving seafood in a pan. The upside about this job is that you can actually choose your working hours (thank God!!) with a pay of 6 - 11 dollars per hour.


   I've realised that I don't really have time to update my blog frequently as I expected due to the sudden surge in work commitments (this update too was due to me taking a leave today). Maybe I'll just quit the telemarketing job and work at Fish n' Co more often instead. Let's just see how it goes...<3

Post life

   It's been about a week since I've joined as sales agent for Premier Pure Companies and many of the incidents that happened recently have already affirmed my suspicions. From the many teachers whom I've called, telling me that this job is not good as a whole and that the company is just trying to use people like me, to my friends like Ben telling me of their bad experience working with this company, what else can refute all this. 


   The manager smartly coerced me into this job, citing that success is only for the minority. Come to think about it, I don't buy it anymore. Success is defined by the individual themself and that the reason why many don't deem themselves success lies in their high aspirations and not appreciative of what they already have. Of course there are many things that he said to convince me but I don't want to talk about it anymore. Futhermore, I've already quit from the job and found a new one. At last I've found a telemarketing job, promoting fitness and yoga by offering a 2 week trial to the customer (Yes, it's not a spam and a cool job by the way). I've been working there for about 2 days now and I'm learning the traits fast. Although the job may feel boring at times, at least the pay is quite relevant. All in all, the job would suffice for now until my mom found a job. 


   Apart from that, recently I went to a class outing at beautiful Sentosa with Celine, Gilbert and the other guys. Had a lot of fun there with a picnic, volleyball, playing in the sea and all. I caught up with updates from my classmates, including lots of chatting with Celine. Not that I was shocked or too concerned about it but she claimed that YY have split up with Max. This happened before Prom (which was one day before the outing at Swiss merchant hotel), which I didn't go due to it's exhorbitant price and that not many are going, and she seem fine with it. Saw her looking gorgeous in her dress in a pic from prom, even catching the fancy of Keith(Ok, keeping to my vows now...).
  

   Moving away from that, a vid was made by Hilmy, Kylie and the gang from NMA about prom and school life. The vid's above, so enjoy!! Oh by the way before I forget, wishing everyone (yes, you!) a happy holiday!!<3

To work or not to work?

   It's been some time after the A' Levels and under circumstances, I've tried to enter the workforce. I tried part-time jobs to earn some money for my family and thanks to Chin Hee, I've landed a sales position that could very well earn me some good income. However, there is a catch (there's always a catch right?)...


   Somehow I'm skeptical, if not half-hearted about this job. Moreover, my mom is holding reservations about the feasibility and success of this kind of work and Ben totally objects it, citing that he ever worked there and quit due to it being a ploy and that it is too hard. As I undergo training for the past 2 days, the pot of possible benefits derived from the job could not be any sweeter (or even absurd and not logical). My job deals with sales of health and wellness products such as magnetic therapy beds and water filter systems and it also involves creating a network of friends (or a team) to do the job while you earn passive income from them. Through the appointments you've set and the deals you've sealed thereafter, you will rise through the ranks to earn even more money, from 600-800 up to 9000 dollars and even more. All for a part-time job!! Obviously something's not right...


   Here's my justification - Firstly a common part-time job for a undergraduate like me comes with a pay of 400-500 weekly, maybe even lesser. Compare it to this sales job, where all you need is to make 10 appointment, follow your mentor around and he will do the talking and seal at least 3 deals and you will get at least 600-800. Moreover, you will earn a few hundreds more just by setting up a team a.k.a "passive income". Looking at how easy the job and the loads of cash it gives, could it be suspicious?


   Secondly, the very fact that in Singapore, money does not come easy without any work, especially a part-time job. But this job even beats a full time job in terms of salary! How could that be even possible?? Then if that's the case, everyone could be rich doing this part-time job!


   Thirdly, after discussing (and gymming) with Ben later yesterday, I got a shock to know that he too have been lured into the EXACT SAME job before, same company and all, before he quit. He said the exact same thing that the manager who is mentoring me said to me and claimed that all that are bullshit and lies. Not that it may not work but it is very hard and even impossible. I mean what are the probabilities that 3 deals could be sealed in under a week or 10 appointments when everyone thinks that health products are a scam? Yes, success can still be achieved to be fair but it is quite hard to do that hence the probabilities. In life, you have to count your cards before you make a move.


   Fourthly, the factors are not conducive enough. I don't have a large circle of friends and relatives. I don't even have pro sales skills to start of with. To add on, my gut instincts, which are usually right, tells me that somethings not right and it is not gonna turn out good. I just can't put it but something's not in place. With Ben too coincidentally worked the same job and quit, is that a sign from God for me to back out?


   Fifth and finally, my mom doesn't fully approve it. Enough said...


   After today's meeting and company function (where the boss gave an inspirational speech), my gut feelings were less severe on me and that my suspicious were groundless at times. I mean they've proven that they are not a scam and that everything could be done when you have the skills to do it. However, I'm still holding reservations about the feasibility of the job as my relatives are pulled into this as clients (as I'm not close to them..) and that it is very hard to set an appointment, if not convince someone to buy their products. Hence, I'm treading on careful grounds, setting up with Miao Hua (my mentor) a few appointments to see his credibility and to work out another part-time on the side. There's nothing to lose in this sense. If he succeeds, I'll be getting in some cash and if all this is a plot or he fails, I can still walk away free with a job safely in hand. I just pray to Allah S.W.T that everything will go smoothly and save me from any mistake that I might have done...<3

Endgame

   It starts with Alhamdullilah, and the dreaded A's are finally over. Yes, from the last MCQ paper of Chemistry, the Big One...the war is finally over. As the bell rang over the end of the final paper, many students went out with joy and laughter. I was happy too but as much as the exam results are concerned, well...
   
   I'll start from where I left off (actually I'd wanted to update the blog earlier but either I was too busy or distracted by some game lol!), round 2 of Physics and the Human Geography paper. The 3rd paper of physics was meant to be very explicit in concept and technique. And thank God (and my mom too) I survived it, making a switch in question instead of doing the common G-field question at the last minute. I figured that it may be too tedious and I was calculating damage control in my mind. In the end, it paid off! :-)


   The following paper saw the decider of my Geography score. It's more like an ultimatum to my grade and possibly my future course. And all praises be to Allah, as I've managed to nail it even with the adversaties I've to face. Firstly, I've overestimated the degree of preparedness and revision I've done for the 2nd paper and that I kinda wasted the first 2 day taking a short break. Going to exam with your pants down isn't funny, especially if it is an A' level examination. Thankfully the drq's were manageable and the essays were the one's that I've prayed for - state and pop-resource theories. Once again, I went out with a twinkle of smile on my face. Only 2 more papers to go...


   The written exams are over and after a brief final mandatory rest period (which is not used productively unfortunately), it came down to the final round of both Physics and Chemistry. Yes, the mcq's should be easy but don't be deceived, it can be quite tricky for one and it is a grade decider for another. A slip anywhere will cost you dearly. And that's what happen to me. Under the advise of Mr Ng, my destined Physics teacher (a.k.a the family guy), I've slowed down on answering the questions to avoid making dubious and careless mistakes just to find myself, for the very first time in such a type of an exam, battling against time to complete the paper. I've set out a defense mechanism of using my instincts to deduce a random answer (actually its guessing in other words...) if the final minute comes but to my shock, the Chief Presiding Examiner (CPE) ended the paper 1 minute earlier!! I was left with the appalling OTAS sheet with 6 questions left unanswered and at least 4 guessed out randomly. I went back home straightaway after the paper to find myself having a nervous breakdown. It's all over, it's all over now and there's nothing I can do to save this war. I can't go on... But somehow I must find the strength to end this war. I must win a victory for the last paper...


   The last day of the A' Levels saw the 50 minute battle against the second MCQ paper, Chemistry. Praying hard that the paper would be easy and after yesterday's failure, I must achieve something out of this paper. I was almost giving up on the last hour before the paper but thank God for saving me again. In the end, I've managed to breezed through the paper to end my campaign with a win.


   There are many more things that I wanted to say since it's the end of the exams and I have some time on my hand (actually a lot too) but I'll save it for the next post. Overall, I felt that I have underachieved myself as I could have done better. I know it. Sometimes I felt that having a downfall would have spurred me to victory instead of resting on my laurels
and failing or underachieving in the end. With 4 months of waiting before the final results are announced, I'm now working, playing, gymming and taking a break from the studies for a while. The final scoreline stands - a draw of 5.5 between Aziz and the Exams. The real results, well let's just wait for it...<3

Game on??

   It's the second mandatory rest period and its good to know that the papers this week are much better than the previous ones. 3 papers were on the line this week and Its not gonna get any easier. First in line was the physics paper...


   With the expectation that the paper's going to be tough, I went in with a heavy heart and full of hope for a first true win. The 2nd paper was well known to be of a time battle and you need to beat the clock to finish the paper (not that the 3rd isn't the same either). Strategy in mind, I fought the paper and finally got my first break with only a few "bruises" a.k.a missed questions and a rushed through planning question. Back outside the hall, it was the first time that I've jumped for joy (not until I've discovered some careless mistakes - the constant variable in this "war").


   The following day saw the Chemistry paper and with motivation from yesterday's paper and the fact that the H1 Chemistry was slated to be easy for all years, I went in trying to make a "double kill". The first few question was breezed by me but not until I was "perma-stunned" by a Hess's Law question - something that I've never expected in the syllabus. To add to the problem, time caught up with me and with a failed "jigsaw question" that cost me a lot of marks, I was officially down and out. Back outside, I felt the same shit that I once felt - after last weeks Math paper.


   Then came my element - Geography. The first paper was the Physical Geography and with the "Around the world as a USGS geographer and scientist" dream in mind, I must win this paper. With all the case studies in mind (or at least the spotted ones) and a few tricks under my sleeves, I fought hard for that win. In the end, I've managed to pull out a clear win for my DRQ and a 16 mark essay but time forced me out with another halfway complete essay. I came out of the room feeling neutral, not happy nor disappointed. Looks like it will all come down to the 2nd paper - Human Geography.


   ...So the scoreline's as follow - Exams 4.5 Aziz 2.5. Looks like the exams are OWNING!! Anyhow, I've known that I've tried my best and there are some things like time and careless mistakes that may be beyond my control. My victory or loss in this "war" is already predetermined by God and if I ever lose, I've to accept that it's my fault and that's the consequences. Sooo, next week will see 2 more tough papers - 3rd paper Physics and round 2 of Geography. All the best to all for the rest of the papers, regardless of what examinations you take!!!<3


   P.S :- The picture above is in fact Kardel Sharpeye, Dwarven Sniper. Apparently this is the only hero in DotA (Defence of the Ancients) that I'm quite "pro" at! To be honest, it kinda fits my character in some sense...

Battle in progress...

   It's the first mandatory rest period and 4 papers are done (halfway there...). Strictly speaking, it was obviously unsatisfactory. It's not that I do not appreciate the idea that I've got a good chance of getting a double B for GP and Math but I wanted more, I needed more! I came to the examination hall with hopes and a fighting spirit and I don't expect to come out a loser seriously. 
   
   Yesterday saw round 2 of math and after the devastating first paper, everybody hopes for a redeeming exam, especially an easy stats paper. What came after that clearly shows that everybody is way over their head. The paper, too, was tough although it is kinda easier than the previous paper. First came the complex numbers that made me commit the dumbest of mistakes yet again. How could you forget the Pythagoras theorem?!! You've been using it since secondary school!!! As if that wasn't bad enough, an appalling, at least exhausting stats paper saw me rushing though it and knowing clearly that there are many careless mistakes that might have been made. On my way out of the hall, all I could say is that I appreciated that God never gave an even tougher stats paper or else I'm sure as hell not going to make it for my all A/B grade goal (call it CMI paper if you may).


   With next week exams include the less dangerous (I hope...) papers like physics, chemistry and my only stronghold - Geography, I just hope that not only the papers are manageable, I could be at least be satisfied with some wins. It's not going to be easy as there are kinda rigid lag time in between papers but with God with me, I should do fine. God have never put me here to fail and I believe that I could finally pull out a victory this time round. May God be with me as I continue this battle, as well as all the others in this war too...<3

First Blood

   The day finally came - The Big A's. And so far 3 papers are done and frankly speaking, I feel that I've screwed up everything. First, came the GP. Armed with a plethora of examples attributed from memory work from the day before, some practice and hopes and prayers to God and from mom, I set out to come from behind and win.

  

   "Can prejudice ever be eliminated?" was the question. C'mon!! This should be right down my alley right!! I mean that I've been preparing for such a question. Brainstorming went very well with 7 points chunked up and 6 points chosen with an OVR in play (Sounds promising right!!). But there came my hidden nemesis - Time. With one blow, it had taken me out with only 4 points being able to be displayed by me. Back outside, I was literally kicking myself (and the railing...) for the lapse. I coudn't do anything but to coin the cliche - what's done is done and you have to move on from here. Easier said than done when the next paper was in 5 minutes...

   Paper 2 comes as a pleasant surprise with a nice clearance in the SAQ and the summary. However, time again made a retaliation and got me stuck with an average 2 points in play for the AQ. Well, at least those hard work for the Compre paid off somehow...

   The following day saw the first math paper and it was expected to be harder than the 2010 edition. And once again, fortified with much needed practice and hopes held high, I went in to clear the paper. This paper never saw the time being the control factor but it was the difficulty of the paper that apalled me. How could it be that prelim papers are much easier than the national exams itself!? After a series of A's in prelim practices, how could a meltdown like this happen??. With an alarming MI question, displaying Trigo for the very first time (like they knew my weakness...)  valued at 10 points and a complex number question putting me out my league (since complex numbers should be something I'm better at...), I'm beginning to question my chances of a win here. Seeing Daniel leaving with a hopeful expression on his face justifies that...

  
   Back outside, all I can hope for was a poorly done cohort elsewhere and a relatively easier paper tomorrow to counter the drop. In theory, I'm still alive in this competition but my chances for a win is thinning. Moreover, with more papers to come, including the dangerous Physics and supposedly my element - Geography, it's anybody's game. All I can do now is to pray hard for a better shot and a victory somehow...

   The second math paper in 18 hours and 30 minutes - Hoping for the best and preparing for the worst at the same time, Exams 2, Aziz 1...

The last lap

   4 days before the A's and my confidence level is still low right now. Like I once said, the problem didn't lie in the revisions but in the conflicts that loomed my heart and mind. Moreover, the current stats of C, A, A, B, A (just a plebiscite...) should make me even more confident of my capabilities. However, it just made matters worse. I'm just afraid, afraid of failing everyone who have been putting a lot of hope and expectation on me again.


   It's always not as easy as it seem. Every mistake that I made, every sin that I've committed makes me worried that retribution would backfire someday. Indeed, God is all merciful and patient but I can't be repeating the same mistake over and over again and thereafter expecting forgiveness everytime. I'm just worried of the consequences of my stupid acts and possibly its implication on my results and my future. I really don't want to let my family down just like what I've done the last time. Futhurmore, I've already promised my late great grandmother during the final time I saw her that I would save my family. 


   Last afternoon, my mom answered the very question I've been asking myself for so long (much to my bewilderment actually). Do I really deserve a victory after all the bad things that I've done? Yes, it may be true that my mistakes aren't grave but a sin is still a sin, especially if it is committed upteem times. God have promised that the door towards redemption will always be open as long as you are still alive. God have never gave sorrow without happiness, tears without smiles and sadness without joy. Unlike friends that come and go, God have always been there with you, regardless in sadness or happiness. Hence, in fact you are deserving of a victory as long as you go all out with lots of faith in your heart.


   In other unrelated news (though I've promised that I would not discuss about her again; I will keep the story simple for sure), saw "YY" again and this time she's finally pitching in some effort to shoot the moon for the A's. Although its kinda stupid for me to tell Rum about my past, especially anything about her(not to mention the total awkwardness when she came by outside the library while I and Rum were having a Milo break that evening), I have to admit that the fuzzy feeling was still there. But it slowly evaporated into what I've felt as caring for another good friend. Hence the anonymous sms sent to her to not give up and to go all out for the A's to achieve her dreams, for true friends would want to see their friends succeed with them too. Seems like this issue will never stop, doesn't it??<3

The confidence in success

   Success has many definitions and it is certainly determined by the individuals themselves. Success can be in various forms, be it the aspiration of being rich, the dream that they could live up to their expectations in academics or athletics or even the hope that they could be in Paradise in the Hereafter. However, how far will someone go to achieve their version of success? And what exactly determines the success of someone?
   
   Ben once told me a quote, read of from an Adam Khoo book, that people who wants success instead of wishing will achieve success because they have a winning mindset. Without the bounds of ethics, many would go through all odds just to achieve victory and success (of course there are also the dreamers who, obviously, only dream about it). In any playing fields, it sometimes comes down to how much you want it instead of the technicalities. However, everyone has a different strength of drive and purpose within them that they've carved to achieve the success that they. 


   Probing deeper, it is succinctly true that there are different kinds of drive and purpose.This could be from external pressure from other people such as parents, poverty and the sense of calling itself. And yet, there are many issues that may make or break someone's confidence on their road to success. Take a student for instance, the past failures in mock exams and prelims could break their confidence as they believe that it is hard to get a good grade in the final exams. On the other hand, it could spur the student on to achieve better grades in the upcoming exams. Yet, that's only one factor and it is already affecting many worldwide. Other problems such as relationship issues, family problems and peer/colleague pressure could also take a toll on the person itself. These issues, if not managed positively, would cost someone their confidence and flair and hence, success.


   Personally, the whole idea that you're already very good at what you do is a grandiose and illusory feeling in itself. That is my definition of confidence.But it have to be acknowledge  that this is an idealistic situation and that everybody has insecurities of their own. Moreover, the past (or even recent) mistakes of someone could threatened the confidence of someone into making the same mistakes again. The guilty conscious within you could indirectly impede you from doing your potential best and thus achieving the success you've always wanted. However, always remember that God is all forgiving and that things happen for a reason. Most of the time, seeking forgiveness from him would give you peace within the heart, conducive for you to do the best you can in any fields you are in. Also, always remember that your family is always behind you no matter how hard the going gets. They are always a source of confidence and moral support and they will always be...
   
   7 days before the Big A's and frankly speaking, I am certainly not ready for it. I know clearly that I could not match the lights of the current top students in the school or nation. However, I can be sure that I would give it a hell of a fight before I go down!! (reminded of the Real Steel movie again lol...). I just hope that both my mom and God would give me their blessings and that He would help me achieve the victory that I need and want. Here we go, the last battle is finally here. Prepared or unprepared, into the inferno we go...<3

Whirlwind

   Time is really passing by faster than anyone expected and now we are 2 weeks or 14 days before the final battle, the Big One. The more closer it gets, the more stress I've begun to put myself through just to get victory out of all of this mess. And thank God my Mathematics and GP, currently the 2 lowest among my grades, pulled up to a B and C respectively after the mock test series last week. As always, the goal for me is not to defeat anyone in any particular subject but to achieve an overall victory (hopefully straight A's) in all my subjects. And that needs time...

   

   Apart from that, I took a break from all the bewildering revisions and was out with Ben shopping and watching "Real Steel" at Suntec last Sunday. The movie particularly caught my attention (not to mention how awesome the movie was) as it displays Hugh Jackman, after falling out of his boxing career, finding and building his own destiny and identity again in the futuristic world of human robot boxing (ok, it's much more cooler than that). When his ancient G-2 robot was matched up against Zeus, a far more superior robot physically, for the championship, it had been obvious that there's no way in hell his robot would win. But somehow he put his heart and soul into the robot (the final round where he shadows his own robot and fights till the end) and technically defeated the "Goliath" Zeus, although Zeus officially retains the title. This reiterates 1 thing : You may be outnumbered or outmatched by your competitors and rivals but never, ever give up the fight and throw in the towel because your heart and your mind is much more stronger.

   

   Right before I went to meet up with Ben that evening, I was out and about at Orchard with Ms Chong (my kinda hot but a bit stern chemmy teacher) and the J1 jocks collecting my bursary from the Buddhist Lodge Foundation. During the ceremony, a tertiary student called Mabel was featured, which looks like YY (not discussing about her, mind you), and was given an exceptional recognition. Her testimonial, portrayed on a wide screen, portrays she and her mom explaining about their hard life, her pursuit in her academics and how proud her mom is with her. A tearing Mabel then receives an award recognising her achievement and endeavors in her studies. If there's one thing I've known about success, it is that a mom's prayers and hopes could bring their child success they've never experienced before (I've known this euphoria before). The question now is how are you treating your parents and do you really think they are not hurt by your actions? And do you really think you deserve success and peace in life after all this? Think about it...

Post Prelims Atmosphere

   By right, this should be my last post for the time being as I'm taking out too much time off my revision to clear out my responsibilities (not that I intended to). This week turned out like any other week - a bittersweet symphony. You go "Yay!" when your GP finally saw an improvement and then "Bam!", your Geography degrades and the teacher gives you an angry look on his face. You felt positive when you passed everything until you see the person next to you scoring straight A's and B's (mind you, that's only for the prelims). Seeing everyone bustling around the library, staff rooms, classrooms and even the loo makes me more stressed out than usual. And there goes my last stronghold...Geography.

    

   Been busy with 1 consultation after another...from GP to Geography to Math (and an Ice Kacang break after the Friday prayers)...all in the hope to pull through the Big One. Right now, I'm feeling quite down due to this, clearly not worried about the revisions but more concern about the "dua" that is coming out from my mom, my akhlak and my akidah. OK, I may not be some rowdy and wild kind of person who has menyimpang dari jalan benar (strayed away from the right path)...but its clear that the issue with my "great" grades correlates with dilemma I'm having right now.

   

   Apart from that, Mr Zee (The groovy geography teacher) gave me a good idea on how to revise my math that is currently stuck at you know where. By doing a bit of math here and there everyday, it could guarantee me a shot at that elusive "A" (Insyallah!). As for GP, thank god that it's finally improving with a better essay and comprehension score. Next week's gonna be the mock exams...soooooo much stress expected!

P.S :- The chocolate ice kacang above really reminds me of Mr Chia's (My favorite "ah pek" chemistry teacher from Montfort) comment ~ "You do chemistry like ice kacang like that!"(that's in the past anyway...)

Final Recap...

   It's the 7th October and finally I've graduated with everyone in the same cohort. Unfortunately I could not make it to  the graduation ceremony due to a flu. Seeing photos of the ceremony and the pictures of the class reminds me a lot of the past. In a blink of an eye, 1 year and 10 months have already passed by and we are now finally facing the A's. Looking back and reminisce through past blog posts and FB pics, many events have transformed me since the first time I stepped into IJC...

   Firstly, it is obviously "YY", changing the perspective of mine when it comes to love. After last years close relationship, awkwardness and finally the meltdown...this year is no different either. The awkwardness simply continues and it was only at one moment in which she really talks to me (trying to console me actually...) and that's it. About feelings, it have been lost some time ago although I'd still try to treat her as a close friend until now. Apart from that, her constant poor performance and emo behavior (not in her pics really) sometimes plagued my mind as I'd really wished she would move on instead of throwing away her dreams just like that. I've already spent part of my whole 2 years brooding about her and its time for me to put her into the past, move forward and never turn my back to focus about her again.<3

    

   Secondly, it would probably be the conflicts within the heart or out of heart (inter and intra- heart dilemmas to sound scientific). From the moving out of my family last October 2010 and the issues we now faced, the constant chase for me to be at least recognised by both my peers and schoolmates as someone (but certainly not aspiring to be popular...) and on top of it all, finding my identity and purpose in this world. Some would say it is somewhat like a calling. This whole 2 years have never been easy and most of the time I'd have to wage wars between the right and wrong...to fight or flight...to chase my dreams or my social life. Sometimes, I would survive making the right decisions but at many other instances throughout this 2 years I've made bad decisions, sometimes fatal. Hitherto, that dilemma will always follow me around, reminding me of just how hard is it to make the right choices...and the paramount need for me to find my identity and hence my destiny. This experience was never the same than those I've endured during my Secondary years, it has always been about being yourself and not someone you do not even know...reiterated throughout my whole 2 years.
  
   And finally, it would certainly be my performance in school. It cannot be echoed any louder that I've not been doing well just the way I could have been. Yup, initially I was still on top of my game during Summer Test last year but I've been doing badly thereafter (Isn't that like a sign?). And now we are here...the A levels just around the corner and I'm just starting to improve in my aggregate scores. I cannot blame Him for this as He could have made me do even worse in my exams and I should be thankful instead to have survived this far. This just reiterates the idea that I've got to find myself fast...before its too late.
   This is not to mention that the Big One is still due in 30 days time...and this time its all about revenge. The clock is ticking down now...before the day come for everyone, including me, to face their destiny (now if only all of those books could go into my brains...). I am not going to go down the same way I did before and I've got to give success my best shot. I know that God is with me through this tough times and success doesn't come without hard effort. I have to make it big this time...no compromise!!!

Pressure release

   The results for the second prelims are out and as expected, it was unsatisfactory. Not that it was severely bad but this is not the kind of score that you want with only 30 days before the Big One. As it stands, my grades are E,E,D,C,B, certainly an improvement from the previous prelims. Whatever it is, an improvement's still an improvement, although I'd quite resent Sumi for taking away my only podium place in Geography and Daniel, whose currently on an unbeaten streak in Math and Physics. Now that's competition for you!
   
   Anyhow, it is clearly seen around that everybody is turning into high gear, studious and meticulously doing many revision papers and consulting teachers continuously. Of course, there are some "monkeys" who are still enjoying away...(not to name anyone). But what hurts me most is seeing the situation "YY" is in...kinda angry to be exact. I mean she haven't done too well in the MCE, barely passing with a teeth's skin. Recently, I saw in the GO being called up to meet with the VP due to her poor performance in her prelims. However, what makes me angry is the fact that she was nonchalant about it. Frankly speaking, I can think of many JC1 Pegasus students who are more deserving of her position...Celine, Swan and even Alaudin just to name a few (although Alaudin was having family issues of his own, I'd respect him a lot for his determination). I understand that she's going through some relationship issues and all but she could have been more focused. Being a good friend although I felt kinda stupid doing this, I could do is to post an FB message on her wall to, I would say, giving her a heads up.
   
   For me, as the pressure starts kicking in with everyone pitching in everything they got in this last sprint and also the idea many tutors had that I could have done and even slated me for the win this year, I have only the slightest clue what to do. Other than practicing papers like crazy and consulting (or stalking you could say) teacher, all I could do is to pray for that win. Apart from that, there is that mounting issue with my family. I wanted to talk to Mdm Z but all she left was a note... 


Dearest Aziz,
I know life has been hard but do understand that God tests us because He loves us. I hope you gain strength from all your hardship and that you are even more determined to succeed. And I hope you will give success your very best shot. Work hard & pray hard. My prayers are with you, too. 
Mdm Zalinah <3


   Yup, I'm tearing as I'm writing this. The goal is now set...to achieve total victory in the A's. As for YY, if (and I'd really hope...) she ever read this...Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.<3

The Stress and Fun

    
   Last week was the end of the second round of exams and of course the Big One coming in 45 days. Personally the whole examination can be summarised into one word...unsatisfactory. It was always the usual suspects that let me down, from the copious amounts of careless mistakes to the clock ticking down on me. Like I once said, it is not that I couldn't do the questions. All in all, I can only pray and hope that I've at least IMPROVED from the previous exams.

   

   
   On another better note, the coming days after the exams turned out to be fun. Had some fun at Harith's home together with the class after the last paper on Thursday, watched some movies after my medical check-up on Monday and the main event - went for the F1 event at the Marina Bay Circuit Park during the weekend. Seriously, it was the concert more than the race that highlights the whole event. All of them...Linkin Park and Charice was awesome in concert!!! I had a blast during the whole concert especially when LP came on, singing and shouting all the way, after 2 stressful weeks of exams. Before that of course I've caught a glimpse of the whole race and frankly speaking, it becomes quite lame after some time seeing F1 cars whizzing past you. Along the way, I did took many photos although my camera wasn't the fancy ones compared those the "Ang Mohs" were holding during the concert and the race. In the end, I just hope that the F1 fever drops by again soon.

   
   Back to reality, with only more than a month before "you know what" comes, I've to step up my game and pray to God that somehow I'll be able to pull through just like what I did before in the N's and O's. I know that the situation this time round may be really complicated with exams on one end and the misunderstandings with my mom on the other end. But this time, I know that I'm getting very close to the finish and there's no stopping now in this final sprint. For now...enjoy the pics!!<3

   "While God has ordained His angels to give us the toughest of challenges to improve our patience, resilience and our attitude as He loves us very much, He will NEVER give us a challenge that we are unable to handle or solve. It's just a matter of time, patience and the believe in Him that matters."

Rumour has it...

   After last week's lacklustre performance in most...if not all of my first prelim papers, this week came with another shot at pulling myself closer to the goal...to be within striking distance from the "A" grade. I realised that I've shot myself on the foot a couple of times during the exams when I either forgot the methods, carefree to be careless or even when the clock runs out. This time, I've been trying to do myself some justice by nailing this week's papers of Geography, Math and Physics...and so far only Geography have came through (though the teachers weren't too impressed with the 1st paper). Maths was just stupid...with all the answer right in front of me and I just can't realise it!!! (sounds familiar?).

   Apart from that, I've been spending some time thinking about my friend's life in comparison to his peers. I realised that some couldn't hold a candle against those who just simply attract everyone around them just because people think they're nice. I mean no offence to those who are like that but sometimes its just a matter of misunderstanding that causes everyone to dissipate away from you. What is rumoured about doesn't define you. What people claimed you've done may not always be what you've actually done. You will always be you and there's nothing people can do about it...

   Put simply, it is more tougher to gain the trust and friendship of other as compared to doing a silly mathematical equation. It becomes even more hard when there is a piece of shit (rumours...) stuck in your face and everyone seems to buy it. Sometimes all you can do is to adapt to this situation...but how long can you going keep it that way?? Remember, what's paramount is the fact that what you're doing is right, regardless of what others may view you.
   And so that's is it for today. Gotta get some food and sleep to rev up for my revision. Anyhow, with only 2 more papers to go and all that's stands in my way is Physics, I'll have to be ready to wrestle it down. Once again, good luck for the rest who are also prepping up for the Majors!!<3

Mirror image

  What does it takes to be right? Are we always going to assume that every criticism we receive are constructing? It is so appalling that many people just can't accept that it is their responsibility whenever a failure strikes them and focused their energy on blaming others. However, how long are we going to look at the mirror and put the fault on ourself while the real culprits are out there still freely roaming around?!

   Ever heard of the story of the farmer and his favourite donkey? While he was travelling on his donkey back to his hometown, there were passerby who've criticised him for being cruel to ride his tired donkey. When he continued his journey with his donkey walking by his side, there were other who criticised him once again for letting his donkey walk and suggested him to carry his donkey instead. In the end, as people were laughing at the poor farmer gingerly crossing the bridge with a donkey on his back, the donkey fell off the bridge and died. So its concise from this story that there exist some idiots in this world who have nothing better to do but to criticise and laugh at others (sorry Simon Cowell!). They are just out trying to make people fail with their stupid suggestions and hypocrite expressions. Seriously, are we gonna let these nutcases tell us how to live our life and ruin it?!!

   And there are those who just couldn't bear the sight of us being happy, aliased the sour grapes. They just want happiness and fame for themselves and would gladly make you a collateral damage on their road to success. It may not seem apparent to you on the streets but it is certainly true in the working life and even schooling life. The idea of "every man for themselves" is written all over people faces as they backstab both enemies and friends alike in their walk of fame.
   All in all, it is clear that one principle should stand- stand up for what's true and right and take the blame only if it is really your fault . There is no point in being nice and generous to those who don't know how to appreciate it. While it's true that everyone makes mistakes and it should sometimes be pointed out for their benefit, you are not ordained the right to criticise someone and let them take the fall. I've never been perfect, but neither have you...
   In other dreaded and unrelating news, I've screwed up another chance of being within striking distance from the "A" in Physics. Somehow, it seems to me that the cards are falling out and I'm now down to my last 2 aces...Mathematics and maybe Geography. But, with only 12 hours before my next battle of Math, it will take more than raw effort to pull some strings to make it...I will need divine intervention to pull through.<3

First degree insanity

   Somehow, I've managed to squeeze some time to update my blog while revising. The paper today was my element...Geography. The questions posed were also right down my alley but in the end I just screwed it up as the clock ticks out and many strong points still not posed. Moreover, I was just too busy making my arguments unique that once again I've overlooked other issues that are so obvious. Well, at least I know that I could've pull another podium finish had I never made any blunders along the way.

   Apart from that, I saw "her" again, two rows apart from me and with her hands above her head. Once again, I can't help but emphatise for her. As much as all the shit that happens between us, she is still a nice friend and a lovely girl. She reminds me of Blair... biggest vices with her "insecurities" with regards to her life. At times, this anxiety creates flaws and complexities which contribute to her character. However, the true Blair is ultimately a "good girl" at heart.  I wanted to talk to her just after the exams but she seems to be avoiding me. Maybe she's in a dilemma after the "confession" from Max Teh on the radio, if I did not heard that wrong. All in all, I just felt bad for her, knowing that she is going through both love and studies issues simultaneously and silently on her own (maybe not exactly alone). However...that was how far it would go. I would never jeopardise all the hard effort and the mounting hopes from many just for her alone...like what I did before.
   And that's about it...with more headache and heartache prelim papers to come and the dreaded A's in less than 50 days time, I've to put my head in the game and do whatever it takes to pull another victory...if God permits. For the rest out there, enduring dreaded exams too, give it your best shot until you can't give anymore and then celebrate the results without regrets(I hope...)!!<3

Ultimatum

   Its been some time since my last post and new situations have cropped up since. As usual,  I've been wanting to update my blog but I've always run out of time. Moreover, with the second prelims coming up, I've found myself at the same standstill I was once before.
   It has never been about how much time I've invested in my studies or how well I've did in my tests or exams, it all bogs down to how my attitude and habits was all this while. I've already know both my strenghts and weaknesses in the academic field...but what determines it all is how I've treated both the people around me, inclusive of my family, and Him.  My mind was brought back to the "lecture" I've been give from mom 3 days ago. She claimed that I've changed to the worse nowadays and that I've not given her the due respect she ought to receive. Initially, I've objected boldly...clearly reminded of all the past mistakes my mom have committed and how irrational was the words coming out of her mouth. But..then again she was right. I wasn't the same person I was 2 years ago. I'm beginning to assimilate myself into the once cocky and stupid me a long time before.
   I've made mistakes...I've crossed my boundaries and there lies the consequences in front of me. Deep in my heart was the hope that somehow that wasn't true and that I was still as good as before . On the other hand, I felt "betrayed" by aunties and friends, including my counselor,  claiming that I've been the best son one could ever had. it was clear that my mom is hurt because of my attitude and like I once said...there are serious implications to that. On the flip-side, I'm sure that I wasn't destined here by Him just to wind up failing my family in the end. But somehow...her words came through me like a stern warning...loudhailing from God himself...that if I don't steer back in time, I might get lost in the abyss forever.
   The second round of exams coming soon and I'm now confronted with an ultimatum. I know that I've never been the best of people around nor someone who never committed a sin before. If there's a time for me to decide on who I really want to be...now or in the future, now would be the best time to do so as there's no turning back thereafter. I don't want to regret the decisions that I make now. At the end of the day, I'm just an ordinary guy in search of my destiny in this God-forsaken world...
   On another note, this might be one of the few chances I've got to update you guys as a war is about to begin. Dark clouds are approaching and this time it's me against the world. I was never prepared for this (the others are no different either) and I will never be. To everyone, good luck and give it the best shot that you can and then lets cheer for the outcome!!!<3

Freedom of perspective

   It is clear that everyone and anyone is entitled to their own opinion and perspective. Not everyone perceives the same way about an issue. Some may look at life and other matters with a commonplace idea in their mind while others make have an alternative perception  towards it. At the end of the day, nobody is wrong...there are just those who argue better and makes more sense than others.

   As I look back at my previous post, I realise that not many may fully understand the situation I am coming out from...moreover to even change their perception about me. Somehow, like I said before, it is their perogative and I have no jurisdiction in changing what they feel about me. Sometimes the opinion of others just doesn't matter anymore and what's paramount is the fact that you know that what you're doing is perfectly right. Just like the saying "You may close an open lid, but you will never close an open mouth", rumours will always be flung around and sometimes you may get hit by the shit.

   On the other hand, it is equally important to maintain your physical appearance in front of the people around you. The idea I trying to drive here is that to avoid looking sloppy, dirty or having a bad hairdo. It may not be necessary to look pretty or handsome with all those extra make-ups and gelled hair...what's important is that for people to have a good first impression of you. That is obviously an utmost importance when you progress further in life or even finding a partner!(who knows?)

   To sum it all up, what you feel about yourself is the only thing that matters. Don't let anyone...I repeat...anyone tell you how to live your live or even how to screw it up. At least that's what I've learnt all this while and I should never ever forget that. By the way, the second-tier preliminaries are up tomorrow with the first of 5 battles...GP! All the best and stay positive!!!<3

Reality check

   Manipulations..denials..deceptions...it all leads back to lies. We have been hiding behind a mask of lies our whole lives. Some of us feel safer behind these lies as there would be nobody to judge us or criticise us for the imperfections we have. There are others...the diabolical ones that used these lies to get what they want, whether if it is money or power, as seen clearly in the world today. I'm not trying to advocate justice or extolling some ways to change others. This time I'm just here to open up the mask that I've been hiding behind all along. I'm just tired of people misjudging me for who I am or succintly telling me what kind of person I should be. I know that some would still not comprehend the position I am in even if they do come across my blog.It's time I come clean...

   I know I'm different as compared to many of the people around me or many teens out there. Some may find me weird or odd...while others, including myself, better know me as a unique individual. In fact, everyone is a unique individual (no offense!). Most of the people who know me would realise that I don't attend school very often and I am not really good at making new friends or as I would call it...socially inclined. Moreover, things become worse when I could still cope with my studies and problems (not that it is bad for me but for the impression I make...not that I'm too proud of it either) and survive through one of the most toughest years in school...JC live. I don't need to add further that I don't have the looks nor affluence in any way. I am just who I am...similar like everybody else. I have hinged behind the perception that my family is going through tough times and I know that a few of the people who knows me are not buying that. A more handful of them, including my teachers, are the ones I confide in with my real problem.

    It goes back to the idea that my mom does not believe that going to school frequently would make me perform exceptionally in my exams (or at least any better). Futhermore, it is in the well-known fact across all religions and society that you don't go against your mom's decisions...no matter what happens. Initially...I was like everyone else, going promptly to school and having lots of fun afterward. Not many knew however that in order for me to go to school everyday, I've to defy my mom's decision and get into fights against her just to do whatever I wanted...and obviously there could be serious underlying consequences in that. As expected, I continuously failed my examinations and finally got myself retained. And it just doesn't end there...Ever since that day, I have no other options to achieve my goals and dreams by complying with my mom's ultimatum. Thus, the only logical way for me to circumvent this is to study at home and go top school only when it is deemed necessary. And then it came, the results that brought me back up to a spot not many have achieved before in Singapore...Thereafter it was JC life for me and that's where the issue persists...
   At the end of the day, I'm only human and I can never run away from the mistakes that I've made. Like I said, some may not fully understand the gravity of my dilemma but I do hope that the rest would. I just wished that people would treat me like everybody else but I realise that it is their prerogative. The point is...I've opened up the mask that I've been hiding too long behind to embrace a better life. When we are unhurried and wise, we perceive that only great and worthy things have any permanent and absolute existence, that petty fears and petty pleasures are but the shadow of the reality...

Reflection in the water

   Ever since school reopened, I've began to find myself without much time to update my blog. It is a pity though as there are many things that are on my mind right now. Moreover, the pressure is on after the release of the first tier exam (or preliminary exam to be exact) results. As expected, nobody would really study during the holidays and it is clearly reflected in their scores...and also mine. But thank God, maybe I could say that I've "survive" the prelims with a C, 2 E's, an S and a U. But...while things could be going your way, that's where the pressure kicks in.
   Somehow, this whole 2 months have brought up some morals that could be learned. Firstly...and most obviously, never give up in hope.... regardless of all the failures that you've obtained, all the problems that you have to endure or even all the conflicts and dilemma that you are facing within you. It may sometimes be hard to make sense of all this but always remember that behind every mishap that happen, there is always a good side behind it...always. For me, a few people, including Arif had advised me the same thing, one way or another. It was startling to discover that the answers that you were looking for all along is right there in front of you...Ikhlas, sabar dan yakin. This would be my motivation and principle from now on.
   Another underlying thing is that of my fighting spirit. It did not occurred to me until someone reminded of who I was once before...all feisty and stubborn to achieve what I want. It seems that I've changed quite a bit now. Now I'm just more complacent a maybe even lost that competitive spirit in me. With mounting pressure to push on for the A's, I've to find some way to regain my composure and my sense of direction. One thing's for sure, I can't be going on like this. This is just simply not me.
   On another note, recent incidents have taught me even further to keep my head in the game. Saw "Miss Flirty" once again at the canteen, dazing away and ignoring the world around her. I knew that she is undergoing loads of stress and pressure from the failures of the prelims. I could not help it but feel bad for her. Maybe I still have some feelings for her but this time its just compassion...purely concern. Whatever it is, she is still a friend of mine and it's just not a good feeling to see a friend go down that way. Saw her thereafter again at the foyer, holding my hand and asking me time again whether I'm alright. All I could said is the same thing back instead...It's not me, it's you. Are you really ok? At the end of the day, all my past feelings for her had already been lost. All I can think about now is my studies, family and religion...nothing else.
   At the end of the day, the whole crux of the issue bogs down on how well I handle myself this time round, both spiritually and mentally. Dark clouds are coming and I've to be prepared for the worst. As for YY, I've lost my trust on girls a long time ago. All they will do is just make a fool of us. Just stand at the canteen, reflect at the surrounding and you'll see what I mean. Whatever it is, the endgame...the success or failure in the A' levels all comes back to me. God will never change the fate of someone unless he himself wants to change his fate.