It's a lazy Sunday, the final day of Ramadhan. And what a way to end it by getting sick o the day itself. So here I am, drafting another blog post while waiting for my tuition to begin. To be honest, I really hope that someday I would find the courage to un-privatise this blog once again. I'm still bothered by the idea of getting judged and my secrets being out in the open.
It was quite a turnaround when it comes to my relationship with Nicole - From losing a friend to getting Bro-zoned (Yes you heard that right..). Despite the long text by me saying that I'm sorry, I felt the need to explain my situation on the phone. I gave her the idea that I was under a lot pressure at home and I just needed an avenue to let it all out. The reason for me being so cold to her was rather due to the fact that I had trust issues, and not because I had feelings for her and it was getting awkward (Which was also true). I know that it would take her a convincing explanation on my part to believe my story. I was on my way to Aryan's place for tuition at that time, only to find out that they were away on holiday today. Nicole, knowing this, suddenly invited me for dinner with her parents at Blue Spoon, located somewhere along Joo Chiat road. And honestly, I have no idea why I didn't decline her offer. Maybe I should. Because this dinner would have sealed my fate.
I reached the cafè earlier, not intending to make any impression, what more with my get-up of shorts and slippers. It's a lost cause and I'm aware of that. What's the point of impressing a family which I would just end up being distant friends with? When I went to the table reserved for us, I was shocked to know that it was reserved for 6 people. I was seriously expecting, at that point in time, that Nicole would stroll in with Fir at her side and her family somewhere behind. And here I am, being that outlier eating with them. Oh the horror.. It didn't turned out that way though (much to my partial relief). I was beginning to wonder whether I was overthinking again. The whole night passed by with me trying to get to know her family and they paying for my dinner (much to my "Paiseh"ness). Her family seems like the happy sort and frankly speaking, I was a little envious. Yea, you can say that my family is a wrecking ball instead.
In their car on the way home, Nicole was telling me that she needs to meet Fir after this and I was like "Err, okay...". Yea, it was kinda bitter seeing her pics with him and the attention she gives to him. Yet, I reminded myself that it was a lost cause and I should eradicate all these feelings for her. Moreover, uni's gonna start soon so most likely I'm not gonna to be talking much to her anymore.
The rest of the night was filled with episodes of Sherlock (it's bloody addictive!!), and the constant reminder that I've been bro-zoned and that it was a lost cause from the beginning. There's no one to blame for how am I feeling at that moment. Yet, I just can't help but to wonder whether will there be a happy ending to my story. :)
So what now? Did a meltdown happened and I end up spilling my emotions like how I did before? Or did I resolved it by not talking to her, losing her altogether?
The answer is neither. After the flurry of words, I've completely ignored her for the rest of the day. I was thinking of meeting her face to face and just confess to clear things up. So when I finally replied to her text the following morning asking for a meet, it came back with no replies. Only God knows how much hell that day felt like. My mood was on an all time low and I was distracted in everything that I do. I was feeling really guilty for letting go of her and treating her so cold all so suddenly. It's not that I don't have feelings for her but I do realise that this is going nowhere. And she's someone I can trust as a friend with my secrets and emotions, just as much as she's entrusted hers to me. And at the end of the day, it was all about losing a good friend.
As the day dragged on, I've went to my first Fast Forward society meet-up in the evening to chill and also distract my mind off from her (I will talk more about that later). These people I've known from school seemed jovial and carefree, but it is hard to visualise them as close friends to trust them. When they opened up to me and everyone else, I felt like I was never like them although I was playing along with their characters. They are only just as best as good friends to chill and enjoy, not for the long haul that I am in right now. It is only then that I realised that I had to get her back, at least as a close friend that I could trust. Because good and close friends are hard to come by.
The following morning, I plucked up the courage (and a little of my proper English) to send her a long text, saying how sorry I am. I was under a lot of pressure from all directions and I was crumbling. I was referring to her as a close friend that I should never let go and that I shouldn't have vented my anger on her. Her reply was immediate - "I was just trying to be there for you as a good friend and listen to your problems when you shunned me away. I would never going to hold a grudge against you and that you can always count on me for advises and a listening ear." And that was all that I needed to hear. To be honest, a part of it was a lie as I didn't reveal my true feelings to her in the end. Seeing that Fir knows about me, it would be best for me to stay a little away from her. Like I said, had Fir been an asshole like Zulhilmi, I would certainly swoop in and try to win her heart. But Fir is a nice guy trying to make her a better person and bring this relationship one step further into marriage. It is when I found out that she has met his parents and he has met hers that I know it's a lost cause. It would be better that both of us stay as ordinary friends. It is for good of all parties, before any complications occur.
When I met ben in the evening, he and Sophia (his sister-in-law) were giving me ideas on what was happening between us. My mind was totally confused by their explanation but all I can summarise is that 1) Both guys and girls loved the idea of having a companion to talk to. 2) Love takes time. I repeat, LOVE TAKES TIME. 3) There's a chance that you will fail when you get close to a girl, ending up getting friend-zoned, or worse, bro-zoned. But never ever stop trying.
Later that evening, I chatted with her again and I can sense the awkwardness between us. I tried brushing it away in an attempt to regain our closeness but I know that it's futile. What's done is done. I know that when uni reopens this August, I won't be talking so often to her anymore. And maybe it's better that way. P.S : The Fast Forward Board Games Society held a 3 day orientation at Pasir Ris Aloha Chalet. I was honestly blown away by the people that I met there (including some familiar faces there). So, the whole orientation was filled with board games, bonding games and heart-to-heart talks from both the seniors and freshies. Though I was skeptical at first, I've got to say that I've had a great time there and I just might join their society for the long run. Though it may not be as grand as the Student Union or stylish as the Cultural Welfare Society, it still makes for a great society be in to chill and enjoy with the people that I've known.
This was suppose to be my 3rd consecutive post in the past week. I was suppose to update this spot way earlier but every time I've made draft, I would either be busy, not in the mood or just distracted with something else. Essentially I would end up looking at my previous draft as irrelevant to my current emotions. Nonetheless, a draft is a draft and I would work on it to suit my current emotions and situation.
When the wall come down, there won't be any place to hide for you must come out to face your demon. I've wanted to start off with what happened at my school's orientation last week but my desperate situation these past few days had drawn me to solve this problem right here right now. This will be the very first time I will be typing while searching for a solution to a problem which I'm supposed to clear up a long time ago :
Nicole keeps texting me back the very same number of time I've tried deleting all her messages. After some time, I finally gave up and started to talk to her again more frequently. Those texts slowly creep into calls in between work, and finally ending with an exchange of music covers between us at night. I was well aware that I was delusional. But I am also aware that I'm falling for her and that's something I shouldn't be doing. Every serenade that she gives starts to melt my heart. Yet I was so afraid of getting hurt again. On the other side, she was claiming that her relationship with Fir was getting rocky and that had gave me a glimmer of hope. However, deep down inside of me knew that she's just treating me as a friend, even so only as a close friend. Honestly, I was downright jealous every time I had to see their pictures on my Facebook or Twitter timelines and my mood will just be spoilt. If there's any fault to this, she should have made the line clear and not treating me as if I'm her boyfriend instead - serenading me at night, asking how my day went, always concerned about my welfare, complaining about her life etc. Dammit, you're screwing with my feelings and making me confused! If I could discredit my claim up above, it would be that she does see me a lot more lesser and that Fir "knows' that she's talking to me and that I'm just her "friend". So that's where the issue starts getting more harder to handle. In an attempt to stop all of this once and for all, I've ceased replying to her messages for a night, sparking worries in her. Those actions soon turned apparent that I was avoiding her and she was delirious about it, claiming that I was treating her badly and that she doesn't deserve it. Seriously?! I AM NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND! What do you mean by all that nonsense? She kept saying 'friends" often, sparking anger rather than pity in my heart. I was so close to doing that confession till she made it clear that she didn't crossed the line, her Fir knows about me and she's just friends with me. I should have known? Simply put - I am not going to suffer another 3 years of my life patching up a broken heart over some stupid girl giving me affections. It's a mistake I cannot afford at this stage. I've made a promise to protect my family at all cost. I can't be distracted and emotional now, what with my uni life starting in less than 2 weeks time. After the meltdown, she demanded an explanation and I couldn't be bothered to give her one. And now I'm finally stuck. This is where I have to find the endgame - Should I confess to her in the hope that she would listen, or reject? Or should I stay away from her, knowing that I would lose a friend in the process? (I wanted to conjure up a lie to cover this all up but I know that running form it wouldn't help) I guess I should start weighing the options, because those are the only options that I have.
This is Aziz. The 22 year introvert, trying to turn extrovert, with a whole lot of excess baggage filled with family problems. And I've never been in a relationship, never been kissed, never been loved, never gotten a hug in a long time, trained to shove those feelings inside and show a happy face as the people who know don't actually cared. I've been into prison because of stealing to feed my family and I'm a little above average in class. I'm too nice and that's my weakness, because everybody simply learn to step all over me, regardless at work or outside or at home. And I'm angry. I'm always angry but I can't find the avenues to burst it all out. I can understand the feelings of people deeply but it becomes my weakness too, as I would become too nice to them too. I have never been happy with myself as I was absorbed in trying to be like everyone else.
I can only hope that Allah would help me this time around.
I can't sleep. And I know why. Those afternoon naps always takes a toll on my body clock and now I'm wide awake in front of my Mac, yearning to expose my thoughts again. The whole idea of this blog is, after all, to express my thoughts and emotions as a from of experiences in which others either had been through or comprehend.
Emotions
Back in camp, I was left with only 2 more duties before my ORD. And both Taufiq and Akash (my campmates, by the way) just had to get a sniff of my past. After taking a look at my planner while I was taking a bath, they got wind of "a girl name YY and an incident of public embarrassment." Soon, they were confronting me about it with all sorts of threats and persuasion tactics.
I knew that they had taken a look into my notebook from the way they aren't even able to guess the name of YY correctly. And so I kept a simple straight story - She was a girl that had rejected me before despite my attempts to woo her and understand her. They were persistent that there's more to the story and vowed to get to the bottom of this (much to my bewilderment). I mean, why would you want to know so much about me when I am going to ORD next week?? I have no idea..
Meanwhile, It didn't take me long to stop talking to Nicole before I started texting her again. Kira's idea seem relevant but never easy to accomplish. I didn't want to lose a friend in between this whole mess in my mind. Most of my conversations were rather simple and laid-back than the ones before, where I was always ending up consoling her over her fight with Fir. I am beginning to like her more than just a friend but I know that there's boundaries and that I do have to consider her feelings. And it seems like she's only considering me as a good friend.
Kira's idea is slowly panning out the way it was suppose to be, but I was never happy. It just feels like I am not me. It's as if I'm not allowed to show too much care and concern for someone lest they shun away from me. it's as if the job is supposed to be given to the boyfriend to care for her (though I know that this is the proper way to go). Unfortunately, Being nice is being myself and I can't help it sometimes. Yet, I also do know one thing - Nobody appreciates anything until it's gone.
I tried deleting all her WhatsApp messages and photos again from my phone yesterday in an attempt to forget about her. And she texted me again the following morning. Is this a sign from God for me to stay close to her? Or am I just deluding myself? I tried delaying my reply till the evening and I saw Kira's idea in play - She is slowly getting away from me. I'm hurt by this, but I know that it's for the better of me and her.
Looking forward, I'm going to my first date with Anusha whom I just talked to over Tinder. It's more of a tryout I guess, given the fact that I was trying to expand my connections. She struck me as a nice girl from SUTD. I'm trying to be positive by looking at it as a way to gain experience. Yet, my mind is bothered.
Of course I don't feel too good about it. I'm going out with an Indian girl with decent looks (totally different from my taste in girls actually). She is neither beautiful nor cute superficially but I'm trying my best to look past her into her personality. Because I too doesn't want to be judged by my looks and to be honest, my looks doesn't warrant me to be picky over the girls that I want. So I'm giving this date a chance.
There's another thing though. How am I truly with my heart going to woo this girl if my heart is drawn to Nicole? It already took some effort for me to erase Nicole off my mind, with the idea that I'm going to meet someone new outside or at uni. A flashback of my conversation with Fab and his friend in KL came to my mind. It was this exact situation that we were discussing about. And I was adamant for the guy to give the girl who loves him a chance, for it's never easy to find a girl who truly loves you and not you trying to chase the girl instead. It's the whole idea of learning to love someone. The question - Could I possibly end up loving Anusha and forgetting Nicole? Only God knows...
This post is made under the influence of coffee, while waiting for the quarter-final duel between Brazil and Columbia in the World Cup (which ended 2-1 to Brazil when I published this post). Honestly, at this point of time, I'm psych for ORD, the upcoming start of my uni life on 4th June and everything that's related to it. This is from the orientations that I've applied to moving into the halls with Kelvin.
Things just keeps getting better when I've received great news that would miraculously stabilise my income for July and the months to come - The return of Pradip and Aryan from their holiday in India as well as the renewal of my family's flat tenancy, which means that the all the bills had been cleared up for those 2 years. The month of Ramadan also sweeps in, giving me a chance to improve myself spiritually and find my way back to Allah, a path which I may have lost previously. As for mum, she's finally found a stable job as a security supervisor at a clubhouse and would sometimes volunteer to stand in for events, like F1 and NDP, for decent allowances. So, what could possibly go wrong?
Unfortunately, it's me. It's just me and my thinking. Yes, it may look like a small matter but to me, it meant the world. It would be so much easier if it's technical but both you and I know that matters of the heart aren't as simple as that. The ideas that had been coming to solve these problems had been fruitful. Yet, it's still dependant on me to change my mindset. And I don't have much time left, as it would be detrimental for me to bring such a mentality into my uni life.
Nicole came back into the picture after I wished her a prosperous start to the Ramadan. I've got myself to blame for restarting the conversation with her but I was adamant that I just want to make more friends and be sociable, even if it doesn't involve feelings. Or that's what I thought.
There is no such thing as "No feelings involved" when it comes to making new friends and getting close to the people you know. I'd prefer calling it "The Social Butterfly Effect" after what I saw happened to Ben. He was trying to get close to his close friend, Elena, but his clique, Kira and Angel, were being pushy to both of them, making both parties becoming awkward and producing unintended consequences. He's already coming under fire from his lacklustre grades during his first UT in RP and he's kicking himself for slacking. I can say fortunately that my case is not as complicated as his, but it's still a huge problem nonetheless. Nicole's been showing care and affection towards me through the long conversations and snapchats. Yet, something's tugging at me all along. My instincts (which are usually right) are constantly telling me that she regards me as a close friend - someone to talk and laugh to when she's bored at work, listen to her rants about work and relationships, going out to accompany her when her boyfriend (Firdaus) isn't there etc.
It's not suppose to be a problem for me to be a close friend to her. I've done it with Kira, just after only a few days Ben ha introduced me to her. But I've got feelings for Nicole and I'm so unsure about it. It felt so similar to the feelings I get when I first saw and talked to YY, it's just that I've acted more maturely in front of Nicole as compared to YY. Moreover, I've never been in a relationship before so it's hard for me to gauge my own feelings and distinguish it between a crush, a liking or even love. On the flip-side, I reckoned that Firdaus is a good guy who wishes to make her a better person from the way she talks about him. It doesn't help knowing that I could possibly ruin such good relationship over my unconfirmed feelings. And to top it off, I haven't been into uni yet, which I suppose this "feelings" problem of mine would be more apparent if I don't solve it soon. I took the liberty of asking my friends for advises and here are some of their replies : Kelvin - "Just go in and tell her how you feel. Try giving her a kiss!! (Oh wow...) Even if she rejects it, she will never slap you nor severe her ties with you as a friend. You should be brave! (Ugh..)" Kira - "I guess it's better if you stay a little away from her to avoid getting obsessed with her and not to get too hurt in the end. (Hmm..) She already has a bf but it's still in the "honeymoon" period. And girls are complicated human beings (I AGREE!) that sometimes doesn't appreciate things until it's gone. My point is that you should stay as friends, but not too close.. ie. Texting all the time or replying too fast or entertaining her ideas all the time. If she ever breaks up with her bf, it's on her own accord and you have very right to chase her (Good point..)." Sanchez - "Just stay away from her altogether lah! (Oh wow...) These kind of girls are out to find rebounds to entertain them and keep them company (I do agree sometimes...). It's much simpler if you remain single until you find someone who is really interested in you. Moreover, when her bf comes back from reservist, she would not entertain you already. (Hmm...)" Ben - "You are setting yourself up to be Friend-zoned again and she already regarded you as a close friend nothing else. (Ugh..) There is a saying that once a girl Friend-zones you, there's no way out. It's better if you move on rather than brooding over a lost cause. (I have to agree to that...) Anyway, the whole idea is to know more people and make new friends. From there, you will know even more girls who may turn out to be better than Nicole and who likes you. Move on and be forward looking towards your uni life. (Yes, I think...)" Kira's idea made the most sense to me, although I have to agree with some of Ben's ideas. Sanchez and Kelvin ideas are the 2 extremes between "I don't give a F***" and "YOLO", which I think would have a stupid consequences which i would regret for quite some time.
For now, I would stay a little away from Nicole while maintaining this friendship and seeing where this will go. It is possible to break out of the Friend-zone but it is never possible to get out of the Bro-zone. My instincts tells me that she would stick with Firdaus for a long time. If she, however, gets out of that relationship, I will reassess my feelings for her then. Anyway, love do takes time so let nature takes it's course.
