Losing A Friend

   So what now? Did a meltdown happened and I end up spilling my emotions like how I did before? Or did I resolved it by not talking to her, losing her altogether?

   The answer is neither. After the flurry of words, I've completely ignored her for the rest of the day. I was thinking of meeting her face to face and just confess to clear things up. So when I finally replied to her text the following morning asking for a meet, it came back with no replies. Only God knows how much hell that day felt like. My mood was on an all time low and I was distracted in everything that I do. I was feeling really guilty for letting go of her and treating her so cold all so suddenly. It's not that I don't have feelings for her but I do realise that this is going nowhere. And she's someone I can trust as a friend with my secrets and emotions, just as much as she's entrusted hers to me. And at the end of the day, it was all about losing a good friend.

   As the day dragged on, I've went to my first Fast Forward society meet-up in the evening to chill and also distract my mind off from her (I will talk more about that later). These people I've known from school seemed jovial and carefree, but it is hard to visualise them as close friends to trust them. When they opened up to me and everyone else, I felt like I was never like them although I was playing along with their characters. They are only just as best as good friends to chill and enjoy, not for the long haul that I am in right now. It is only then that I realised that I had to get her back, at least as a close friend that I could trust. Because good and close friends are hard to come by.

   The following morning, I plucked up the courage (and a little of my proper English) to send her a long text, saying how sorry I am. I was under a lot of pressure from all directions and I was crumbling. I was referring to her as a close friend that I should never let go and that I shouldn't have vented my anger on her. Her reply was immediate - "I was just trying to be there for you as a good friend and listen to your problems when you shunned me away. I would never going to hold a grudge against you and that you can always count on me for advises and a listening ear." And that was all that I needed to hear.

   To be honest, a part of it was a lie as I didn't reveal my true feelings to her in the end. Seeing that Fir knows about me, it would be best for me to stay a little away from her. Like I said, had Fir been an asshole like Zulhilmi, I would certainly swoop in and try to win her heart. But Fir is a nice guy trying to make her a better person and bring this relationship one step further into marriage. It is when I found out that she has met his parents and he has met hers that I know it's a lost cause. It would be better that both of us stay as ordinary friends. It is for good of all parties, before any complications occur.

   When I met ben in the evening, he and Sophia (his sister-in-law) were giving me ideas on what was happening between us. My mind was totally confused by their explanation but all I can summarise is that 1) Both guys and girls loved the idea of having a companion to talk to. 2) Love takes time. I repeat, LOVE TAKES TIME. 3) There's a chance that you will fail when you get close to a girl, ending up getting friend-zoned, or worse, bro-zoned. But never ever stop trying.

   Later that evening, I chatted with her again and I can sense the awkwardness between us. I tried brushing it away in an attempt to regain our closeness but I know that it's futile. What's done is done. I know that when uni reopens this August, I won't be talking so often to her anymore. And maybe it's better that way.




P.S : The Fast Forward Board Games Society held a 3 day orientation at Pasir Ris Aloha Chalet. I was honestly blown away by the people that I met there (including some familiar faces there). So, the whole orientation was filled with board games, bonding games and heart-to-heart talks from both the seniors and freshies. Though I was skeptical at first, I've got to say that I've had a great time there and I just might join their society for the long run. Though it may not be as grand as the Student Union or stylish as the Cultural Welfare Society, it still makes for a great society be in to chill and enjoy with the people that I've known.