When The Walls Came Down

      This was suppose to be my 3rd consecutive post in the past week. I was suppose to update this spot way earlier but every time I've made draft, I would either be busy, not in the mood or just distracted with something else. Essentially I would end up looking at my previous draft as irrelevant to my current emotions. Nonetheless, a draft is a draft and I would work on it to suit my current emotions and situation.

   When the wall come down, there won't be any place to hide for you must come out to face your demon. I've wanted to start off with what happened at my school's orientation last week but my desperate situation these past few days had drawn me to solve this problem right here right now. This will be the very first time I will be typing while searching for a solution to a problem which I'm supposed to clear up a long time ago :



   Nicole keeps texting me back the very same number of time I've tried deleting all her messages. After some time, I finally gave up and started to talk to her again more frequently. Those texts slowly creep into calls in between work, and finally ending with an exchange of music covers between us at night. I was well aware that I was delusional. But I am also aware that I'm falling for her and that's something I shouldn't be doing. Every serenade that she gives starts to melt my heart. Yet I was so afraid of getting hurt again.

   On the other side, she was claiming that her relationship with Fir was getting rocky and that had gave me a glimmer of hope. However, deep down inside of me knew that she's just treating me as a friend, even so only as a close friend. Honestly, I was downright jealous every time I had to see their pictures on my Facebook or Twitter timelines and my mood will just be spoilt. 

   If there's any fault to this, she should have made the line clear and not treating me as if I'm her boyfriend instead - serenading me at night, asking how my day went, always concerned about my welfare, complaining about her life etc. Dammit, you're screwing with my feelings and making me confused!

   If I could discredit my claim up above, it would be that she does see me a lot more lesser and that Fir "knows' that she's talking to me and that I'm just her "friend". So that's where the issue starts getting more harder to handle. In an attempt to stop all of this once and for all, I've ceased replying to her messages for a night, sparking worries in her. Those actions soon turned apparent that I was avoiding her and she was delirious about it, claiming that I was treating her badly and that she doesn't deserve it. Seriously?!

   I AM NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND! What do you mean by all that nonsense? She kept saying 'friends" often, sparking anger rather than pity in my heart. I was so close to doing that confession till she made it clear that she didn't crossed the line, her Fir knows about me and she's just friends with me. I should have known?

   Simply put - I am not going to suffer another 3 years of my life patching up a broken heart over some stupid girl giving me affections. It's a mistake I cannot afford at this stage. I've made a promise to protect my family at all cost. I can't be distracted and emotional now, what with my uni life starting in less than 2 weeks time.

   After the meltdown, she demanded an explanation and I couldn't be bothered to give her one. And now I'm finally stuck. This is where I have to find the endgame - Should I confess to her in the hope that she would listen, or reject? Or should I stay away from her, knowing that I would lose a friend in the process? (I wanted to conjure up a lie to cover this all up but I know that running form it wouldn't help) I guess I should start weighing the options, because those are the only options that I have.

   This is Aziz. The 22 year introvert, trying to turn extrovert, with a whole lot of excess baggage filled with family problems. And I've never been in a relationship, never been kissed, never been loved, never gotten a hug in a long time, trained to shove those feelings inside and show a happy face as the people who know don't actually cared. I've been into prison because of stealing to feed my family and I'm a little above average in class. I'm too nice and that's my weakness, because everybody simply learn to step all over me, regardless at work or outside or at home. And I'm angry. I'm always angry but I can't find the avenues to burst it all out. I can understand the feelings of people deeply but it becomes my weakness too, as I would become too nice to them too. I have never been happy with myself as I was absorbed in trying to be like everyone else.

   I can only hope that Allah would help me this time around.