The Triangle

   I can't sleep. And I know why. Those afternoon naps always takes a toll on my body clock and now I'm wide awake in front of my Mac, yearning to expose my thoughts again. The whole idea of this blog is, after all, to express my thoughts and emotions as a from of experiences in which others either had been through or comprehend.

Emotions

   Back in camp, I was left with only 2 more duties before my ORD. And both Taufiq and Akash (my campmates, by the way) just had to get a sniff of my past. After taking a look at my planner while I was taking a bath, they got wind of "a girl name YY and an incident of public embarrassment." Soon, they were confronting me about it with all sorts of threats and persuasion tactics.

   I knew that they had taken a look into my notebook from the way they aren't even able to guess the name of YY correctly. And so I kept a simple straight story - She was a girl that had rejected me before despite my attempts to woo her and understand her. They were persistent that there's more to the story and vowed to get to the bottom of this (much to my bewilderment). I mean, why would you want to know so much about me when I am going to ORD next week?? I have no idea..

   Meanwhile, It didn't take me long to stop talking to Nicole before I started texting her again. Kira's idea seem relevant but never easy to accomplish. I didn't want to lose a friend in between this whole mess in my mind. Most of my conversations were rather simple and laid-back than the ones before, where I was always ending up consoling her over her fight with Fir. I am beginning to like her more than just a friend but I know that there's boundaries and that I do have to consider her feelings. And it seems like she's only considering me as a good friend. 

   Kira's idea is slowly panning out the way it was suppose to be, but I was never happy. It just feels like I am not me. It's as if I'm not allowed to show too much care and concern for someone lest they shun away from me. it's as if the job is supposed to be given to the boyfriend to care for her (though I know that this is the proper way to go). Unfortunately, Being nice is being myself and I can't help it sometimes. Yet, I also do know one thing - Nobody appreciates anything until it's gone.

   I tried deleting all her WhatsApp messages and photos again from my phone yesterday in an attempt to forget about her. And she texted me again the following morning. Is this a sign from God for me to stay close to her? Or am I just deluding myself? I tried delaying my reply till the evening and I saw Kira's idea in play - She is slowly getting away from me. I'm hurt by this, but I know that it's for the better of me and her. 

   Looking forward, I'm going to my first date with Anusha whom I just talked to over Tinder. It's more of a tryout I guess, given the fact that I was trying to expand my connections. She struck me as a nice girl from SUTD. I'm trying to be positive by looking at it as a way to gain experience. Yet, my mind is bothered.

   Of course I don't feel too good about it. I'm going out with an Indian girl with decent looks (totally different from my taste in girls actually). She is neither beautiful nor cute superficially but I'm trying my best to look past her into her personality. Because I too doesn't want to be judged by my looks and to be honest, my looks doesn't warrant me to be picky over the girls that I want. So I'm giving this date a chance.

   There's another thing though. How am I truly with my heart going to woo this girl if my heart is drawn to Nicole? It already took some effort for me to erase Nicole off my mind, with the idea that I'm going to meet someone new outside or at uni. A flashback of my conversation with Fab and his friend in KL came to my mind. It was this exact situation that we were discussing about. And I was adamant for the guy to give the girl who loves him a chance, for it's never easy to find a girl who truly loves you and not you trying to chase the girl instead. It's the whole idea of learning to love someone. The question - Could I possibly end up loving Anusha and forgetting Nicole? Only God knows...