Part II (Rerun)

   This post is made under the influence of coffee, while waiting for the quarter-final duel between Brazil and Columbia in the World Cup (which ended 2-1 to Brazil when I published this post). Honestly, at this point of time, I'm psych for ORD, the upcoming start of my uni life on 4th June and everything that's related to it. This is from the orientations that I've applied to moving into the halls with Kelvin. 





   Things just keeps getting better when I've received great news that would miraculously stabilise my income for July and the months to come - The return of Pradip and Aryan from their holiday in India as well as the renewal of my family's flat tenancy, which means that the all the bills had been cleared up for those 2 years. The month of Ramadan also sweeps in, giving me a chance to improve myself spiritually and find my way back to Allah, a path which I may have lost previously. As for mum, she's finally found a stable job as a security supervisor at a clubhouse and would sometimes volunteer to stand in for events, like F1 and NDP, for decent allowances.

   So, what could possibly go wrong?

   Unfortunately, it's me. It's just me and my thinking. Yes, it may look like a small matter but to me, it meant the world. It would be so much easier if it's technical but both you and I know that matters of the heart aren't as simple as that. The ideas that had been coming to solve these problems had been fruitful. Yet, it's still dependant on me to change my mindset. And I don't have much time left, as it would be detrimental for me to bring such a mentality into my uni life.


   Nicole came back into the picture after I wished her a prosperous start to the Ramadan. I've got myself to blame for restarting the conversation with her but I was adamant that I just want to make more friends and be sociable, even if it doesn't involve feelings. Or that's what I thought.

   There is no such thing as "No feelings involved" when it comes to making new friends and getting close to the people you know. I'd prefer calling it "The Social Butterfly Effect" after what I saw happened to Ben. He was trying to get close to his close friend, Elena, but his clique, Kira and Angel, were being pushy to both of them, making both parties becoming awkward and producing unintended consequences. He's already coming under fire from his lacklustre grades during his first UT in RP and he's kicking himself for slacking.

   I can say fortunately that my case is not as complicated as his, but it's still a huge problem nonetheless. Nicole's been showing care and affection towards me through the long conversations and snapchats. Yet, something's tugging at me all along. My instincts (which are usually right) are constantly telling me that she regards me as a close friend -  someone to talk and laugh to when she's bored at work, listen to her rants about work and relationships, going out to accompany her when her boyfriend (Firdaus) isn't there etc.

   It's not suppose to be a problem for me to be a close friend to her. I've done it with Kira, just after only a few days Ben ha introduced me to her. But I've got feelings for Nicole and I'm so unsure about it. It felt so similar to the feelings I get when I first saw and talked to YY, it's just that I've acted more maturely in front of Nicole as compared to YY. Moreover, I've never been in a relationship before so it's hard for me to gauge my own feelings and distinguish it between a crush, a liking or even love. On the flip-side, I reckoned that Firdaus is a good guy who wishes to make her a better person from the way she talks about him. It doesn't help knowing that I could possibly ruin such good relationship over my unconfirmed feelings. And to top it off, I haven't been into uni yet, which I suppose this "feelings" problem of mine would be more apparent if I don't solve it soon.

   I took the liberty of asking my friends for advises and here are some of their replies :

Kelvin - "Just go in and tell her how you feel. Try giving her a kiss!! (Oh wow...) Even if she rejects it, she will never slap you nor severe her ties with you as a friend. You should be brave! (Ugh..)"

Kira - "I guess it's better if you stay a little away from her to avoid getting obsessed with her and not to get too hurt in the end. (Hmm..) She already has a bf but it's still in the "honeymoon" period. And girls are complicated human beings (I AGREE!) that sometimes doesn't appreciate things until it's gone. My point is that you should stay as friends, but not too close.. ie. Texting all the time or replying too fast or entertaining her ideas all the time. If she ever breaks up with her bf, it's on her own accord and you have very right to chase her (Good point..)."

Sanchez - "Just stay away from her altogether lah! (Oh wow...) These kind of girls are out to find rebounds to entertain them and keep them company (I do agree sometimes...). It's much simpler if you remain single until you find someone who is really interested in you. Moreover, when her bf comes back from reservist, she would not entertain you already. (Hmm...)"

Ben - "You are setting yourself up to be Friend-zoned again and she already regarded you as a close friend nothing else. (Ugh..) There is a saying that once a girl Friend-zones you, there's no way out. It's better if you move on rather than brooding over a lost cause. (I have to agree to that...) Anyway, the whole idea is to know more people and make new friends. From there, you will know even more girls who may turn out to be better than Nicole and who likes you. Move on and be forward looking towards your uni life. (Yes, I think...)"

   Kira's idea made the most sense to me, although I have to agree with some of Ben's ideas. Sanchez and Kelvin ideas are the 2 extremes between "I don't give a F***" and "YOLO", which I think would have a stupid consequences which i would regret for quite some time. 

   For now, I would stay a little away from Nicole while maintaining this friendship and seeing where this will go. It is possible to break out of the Friend-zone but it is never possible to get out of the Bro-zone. My instincts tells me that she would stick with Firdaus for a long time. If she, however, gets out of that relationship, I will reassess my feelings for her then. Anyway, love do takes time so let nature takes it's course.

Linkin Park - Until It's Gone

A fire needs a space to burn

A breath to build a glow

I've heard it said a thousand times

But now I know

That you don't know what you've got

Oh you don't know what you've got

No you don't know what you've got

Until it's gone x 3

I thought I kept you safe and sound

I thought I made you strong

But something made me realize

That I was wrong

'Cause finding what you got sometimes

Means finding it alone

And I can finally see your light

When I let go

'Cause you don't know what you've got

Until it's gone x 3

                  Until it's gone x 4                  

'Cause you don't know what you've got

Oh you don't know what you've got

No you don't know what you've got

It's your battle to be fought

No you don't know what you've got

'Til it's gone x2

'Til it's gone