Here we go again...

Firstly, a very happy new year to everyone. Let's hope for a better year in 2011:D! As much as 2011 is concerned, it's going to change for me. With this year being my final year and after a long year of 2010 which have exhausted me, here I am still hoping for an even better outcome. Here's my chance now...one last chance for a last dance, to mend what is wrong and to find what I've been looking for. Is it success that I yearn for...or is it a life that I'm looking for? 2011 will finally decide that.

2011...a milestone in my life. With hopes and prayer for a change, a chance for me to prove to myself and many others that I'm different. I'm gonna be someone who will do it right this time and fight for that one last chance. I've made too much mistakes in 2010...and here's my opportunity to reverse all that. There's only one way to do that and is to find myself back. With the right priorities and stepping up to the challenges ahead, maybe there's still a glimmer of hope for everything to be fine again.

However with every cycle of the year, challenges are still expected ahead...and this time it will get tougher. With distractions everywhere...and the weight of the responsibilities still hanging on my shoulders, I have to make a decision right now. Between the right and the easy...between the two ways of life. With 31536000 seconds of 2011 and still counting down, it will all come down to me. Another cycle of life awaiting and only God know how the outcome will be...how it all will end. Anyhow...once again, Happy New Year to all!!!:)

New perspective

2010 have been a year in which I've learn and experience a lot of things. From a new life, love and even more studying stress, I've seen ample of changes within myself. So of which were good… but most of them were not so good. I do admit, although I may have the maturity of thought but I certainly do not have the maturity of experience. And hence the consequences of my actions were evident…from my results to the girl who walk out from me.

And now I've decided to set out on my own to finding myself back. No…it's not too late and it's never too late. There's a new perspective in seeing life in a different direction. Sometimes the more you chase after something, the further it gets away from you. It's time that I leave it all to fate and time and just move along. I feel even more stupid each time I came very close to getting what I want, it's just that I didn't realise that I was pushing it too far. Thus..improvements from within is what I really need right now. I want to be the same guy I was once before…Calm, focused, responsible and never a quitter. And there I was at the peak of my life where everything just came naturally to me…friends, success and sweetness of life.

There…my goal is now set…to find my identity back and to regain hope. With the A levels coming, I really want a shot at fighting back. I am certain that my abilities are enough to achieve success, its just that I am not the person I was back then. Now I just thought it felt right but the right was wrong. But somehow the intuition deep inside of me keeps telling…I will find what I'm looking for down this road…the new perspective of life. I can only try my best and push as far as I can give…but will it be enough? Only God knows.

Words thought and spoken

And suddenly she came back…this time with the message. Here I am…now wondering what to do. Personally I feel quite touched with what she has to say and frankly speaking, I still do have a tinge of feelings for her. Like I always was, I am just a simple person who doesn't harbor hatred towards someone that easily. And yes its true…I don't really know her enough. However, I was ready to accept her for who she is from the first time. Anyway…this is the message and reply…

I am really grateful for how you feel towards me. But firstly, I am not that good as you've said, and I really don't think I am very nice nor pretty, maybe its just you just haven't know me enough. Personally I really feel touched towards how you feel towards me.. but, I don't deserve such strong feelings from you. I really feel sorry that I can't return you any feelings. But I do like you as a friend as friends like you who are not judgmental and understanding are hard to come, I really treasure you as my friend. I am really sorry that I could not return you any feelings, 'cause I know I am not suitable for you. You are really a good guy with a clear and kind heart, but its just I am just not the girl for you. I am sure, in the near future, you will find a girl who you will love from the bottom of your heart and she too. :)

Dear Ying Yan, I'm sorry if I had made you feel awkward towards me because of the confession. In the first place, you should not be saying something like that about yourself. Everyone is special in their own ways…and you are special in your own ways too. Maybe you do not know it…but there are many who treasure you for something that is more important than just good looks or intellect, it is your heart. You have been the sunshine of many…always being there cheering them up when they are down. And I can assure you that beneath it all, everybody has a nice heart one way or another, including you. So don't doubt yourself that way because you are already a nice girl, irregardless of what others may have to say. Because who you're really are is what is in your heart. To me, I have already treasured you as a close friend. So don't worry too much about talking to me. As you said, I'm not judgmental and I'm understanding. Just cheer up and keep smiling k! :)

What the F***

I thought I've understand a lot about life…whereas in fact I barely understand anything. I may be able to find solutions to many problems, know what a girl really wants from a guy and being able to understand well about the feelings of other people…but I'm unable to even comprehend my own issues. Maybe this is because I have never experienced it really on my own.

Many people claimed that everything happens for a reason and that I still have a long way to go. I am not trying to be pessimistic here or somewhat but its just that this is very hard for me to swallow right now. Take it for instance, many people who met me will always ask me whether I do have a girlfriend. I feel like laughing whenever I heard this. Like have you even see how girls react to me? And here you are saying that there is a girl who will fall for me? And then there is the saying that there is someone meant for me out there waiting and that girls are going for guys with big bucks. Have you even look at the real world? Only career women go after guys like that and FYI, girl go after guys who have a "bad' personality, good-looking and trendy.

If there is one thing I still agree with the majority, It is that family and studies is still the first priority. No matter what happens, I must not let my studies go down the drain for the sake of my family. Maybe at the end of the day, I do still have to leave this issue to fate. About the long way to go…I don't know about that. I mean who can predict life right? Anyway the only thing I can do now is hope and pray that things will turn better by the minute and not be worse instead!

Fighting within the crossfire

Finally the promo results are out. As expected, many people including her didn’t make the cut. Although only 15% did not make it but that’s surely a lot of people not making it. As for me, I was assured promotion but what shocked me was the result of mine. I could not believe that this time I could not even get a “B” grade, not mentioning an “A” grade for any of my subjects. Worse still, my best 2 subjects could not even help either. All I could see in my results are all “C”s, a “D” and even an “E’! It’s not as if I did not appreciate it being promoted or something…it’s just that my results are getting worse. And the funniest part of it all, I do know why my results turn out to be like that.

2010 had been a tough year for me and well, everyone. Especially getting a shitting result like that at the end of the year really sucks. Throughout the whole year many things had occurred to me. Firstly and most obviously is Ying Yan. It was hard for me to forget her as she was my first true crush and that I liked her from the beginning I met her. But as days goes by, it became obvious that she doesn’t reciprocate my feelings let alone like me…although she knows that I like her. Then it all came to the confession which led to the meltdown of our friendship…or at least what’s left of it. Since then she doesn’t want to talk to me as she feels awkward around me and tries to avoid me.

Next up, my attitude change. It was bad enough that I was not a good son nor brother at times…but the moment I stepped into a JC it became worse. Now I became more conscious of my social status instead of my responsibility…caring more about friends than family. At first it was not obvious but then after some time it morphed into a habit. I became rude towards my parents and that my attitude had turned into being short tempered, rebellious and sometimes manipulative. Towards the end of the year, it became obvious that I have turn myself to what I had been before…4 years ago when I was retained at Secondary 2.

Finally, it’s all because of me in the first place. It was hard living a life like this…no matter how much I tried I will always be the weirdo, the social misfit. It hurts even more seeing couples in the mall whereas I could not even capture the heart of my crush. It kills seeing me pushing the limits in terms of my studies and yet obtaining a lack luster result like that. Nothing has been right for me this year. It’s really killing me from the inside.

The results were a good indicator of my current issues in my life…like fighting within the crossfire. Trying to stand up against all odd coming from every direction…but still failing in the end. Always wishing for a miracle, a new will to fight and survive but missing the most important part of it all, finding myself back. For I wasn’t like this before…I was different, I was unique…I am who I am. Till I find myself again, I can never find the key to my problems. And so I ask myself time and again…Who am I? What I am truly fighting to achieve? And what do I actually want from myself? SIGH…..

Half of my heart

In a blink of an eye, almost a year had passed. If there is one I've realized from the experience I faced during my first year as a freshmen in a JC, I am not ready for social life. Yet half of my heart tells me that I'm ready...ready to face the world and to experience a new life and happiness. I'm just not ready for all that.

About 10 months ago, I stepped into IJC thinking I could start afresh after a hectic but mundane life at Montfort sec. However now I wish I was in Montfort all over again. I can see the transformation in me. It is not as if I am getting any better in my studies or my attitude. I am beginning to be part of my past again. The snobbish, arrogant, in denial and thinks the world is his "me" is back. And I hated him...Because of this guy I've faced the biggest disappointment in my life at sec 2. I am becoming more and more like him

The signs are already there...not being able to let go of Facebook, being short tempered with my family, not concentrating fully on my studies and even wanting to have a girlfriend. If I don't change now...the implications could be severe. This time I could lose more than my dignity...I could lose my life. That's also why I'm gonna let her go, as she will be just a distraction in my life. I know...she doesn't want a life like mine. Yet half of my heart still hopes....

21 Guns

21 reasons why I should not confess :

1. I am just a vague friend of hers

2. I am incompatible with her

3. Her friends don’t really like me

4. There is only a 1% chance of me being together with her

5. There is other guys who are better than me

6. She is already close with another guy

7. It has a bad implications on my life

8. She is actually trying to avoid me

9. There is just too much long-term effects

10. I am just overestimating my friendship with her

11. She already confess that she only likes me as a friend

12. We are just two different people

13. It will just break my heart to listen to her answer

14. She is not going to be with me next year

15. It is the wrong timing to do that

16. I am just not ready

17. It will just affect my studies

18. Her family will certainly not accept this

19. She rarely talks to me

20.She hates being with me

21.Why throw all my effort that I worked in my studies for 5 years all in the name of that 1% chance that she really likes me and reciprocates my feelings!

And in the end I still did the confession...How stupid right!

What now?

After confessing to her about my feelings two days ago, she immediately felt awkward and is going to avoid me forever. Anyway I had already expected this was going to happen. In fact I don't blame her for all this. Moreover, the confession comes after my cousin told me to confess first and thereafter let her go. So in the fire i went and this is where I stand...

Looking back on my Facebook message wall when I remember receiving a message from a good friend of mine. It really makes me think...I really should forget about her this time...

Sometimes, it is just too difficult, if not impossible, to stop the way you feel for another person. If your feelings for this other person are good, pure and genuine, I don't see why this can be deemed as wrong, regardless of whether this person reciprocates your feelings or not. Such feelings are in fact, a part of human nature.

The feelings are not wrong in themselves but if you do not manage them properly, then you might end up doing the wrong things, which will have consequences. At your current stage in life, your studies must occupy the first priority. You know very well that this will have a great impact on your life in future. Hence, if there is something that might detract you from your studies, or even cause you to not perform at your best, it must be avoided. Though there may be a few exceptions, most relationships that started during the schooling years do not end up becoming a permanent, stable relationship, i.e. marriage. Even if it does, a marriage involves more than just a warm, fuzzy feeling of romance in the heart. It also involves many other practical issues and having a good education will put you in good stead to handle them.

What's more, this person doesn't even seem to be reciprocating your feelings. It is not wrong for you to have special feelings towards her but it is important that you are in control of yourself. One of the key marks of an adult, especially a man, is the ability to exercise control over one's feelings and not let them override one's reason. Take it as a challenge to help you develop your resilience and strength of character. Who knows what the future may hold? Perhaps if you maintain a simple friendship with her, she might have a change of heart in the future. Or perhaps, you might meet someone more suited to you? Whichever way, you'll be more ready to handle it then.

Failure to launch

Once again I’ve proven myself to be a jack of all trades again. I am able to solve and confront others problems but not able to even solve mine. I really thought I could have gotten over her but I kept thinking about her a lot lately. Can I blame myself for being like that? Seeing her photos on Facebook just makes it even worse.

Somehow I’ve got myself in control lately by not thinking of her too much but lately after listening to her saying that she might not be able to make it to JC2 next year make my heart breaks. Frankly speaking I feel like consoling her but I just kinda again feel that she doesn’t want to talk to me about it. If only I could tell her how much I feel about her, I would but it’s just too complicated. I seriously have a low self-esteem of myself and she is like, one of the most likeable girl around. However according to my intel, she had already knew of my feelings of her. But still maybe the frank confession would not come anyway….

On another note, at least there is something to be happy about. The exams are over!!!!!! At least now I can rest or maybe go watch a movie. Maybe this will help me to further forget her... there is no way I could get her. Although Celine and Naomi told me that the future may change and she will like me somehow but I sadly think otherwise. Maybe I’m really destined to be solo for now.

"Living On A Prayer"

Even before the promo exam, I had already knew of my chances of promoting to JC2 next year. it is just that I have to give it my all during the day. But now that i know that I am safe, I kinda felt bad for those people who are not gonna make it to JC2 next year. Of course, the word "Retainophobia" is now floating in the minds of all JC1s who are either eagerly waiting for their results or had already knew of their fate.

However there are those people who I will miss a lot if they are either retained or kicked out of the school. Unfortunately those people included her. I had already suspect of those people who are definitely not gonna make it and one of them is in fact her. Other than that, many of my close friends are also not gonna make it to the next round just by 1 or 2 credit points. I tried to go around to sort of calm them down and be a good friend by being there for them but I know that that will not cut it. it was so bad that I could even see students crying in the bus because of this.

Beneath all this, hope is always there...vaguely at least. According to the school rules, the principal could still promote a student who did not meet the prerequisite of 6 credit points provided that by chance he or she did not fail too badly and that their conduct was good. Another point that I found out however was that there were only 40 places for retainees and the rest will be transferred to a polytechnic of their choice. Frankly speaking, I really do hope that my friends...including her will miraculously be promoted together with me but it all now depends on the school. Either way I still do have to find a way to move on next year in contention for my A' levels...even without them being there together with me doing the same thing.

Aftermath of everything

Its been a few weeks since my exams had ended and suddenly once again I had some amount of time in my hand. Of course not forgetting that me and my family have moved out on mid October. However, my mind is still distracted by all the things that happened throughout this year. In just a blink of an eye, 10 months had already passed by. From that day I set foot in the school to the new people that I’ve met and the whole new experience that I encountered, all this just flashed as the bits of memory in my mind.

Of course I do miss my past life and my friends…but looking forward to what is present in front of me right now, I realised that this is what life is all about. Maybe it is only by moving on that you will find the best in life…something that could replace your past. That is also what I’ve decided to do about my feelings towards Ying Yan. Yes its true that the hardest part of moving on is starting from the beginning….but I’m certain that someday I will find the light at the end of the tunnel.

As life flashes past me, I remember the times that I’ve already spent in my school, irregardless of the good times or the bad times. Like they say…the first step is always the hardest. I do also remember of all the lost chances and opportunity to forge a relationship with her…but I have to let it all go now. I just hope that time…time would heal all wounds. What I can only do now is to live in the moment and hope for the better…

Confessions of a err…broken heart?

Its been some time since I’ve harbored such a feeling towards someone. The last time I remembered doing that is back then when I was too young. Actually I just want to find closure to this issue and move on before my promotional exams arrive and take up all my time. I realised that this lovesick habit and the attitude that come with it is just unbearable and starting to affect me significantly one way or another. Maybe love and relationships are not meant for me…
Ying Yan, although you never show it, somehow I felt that you already knew of my feelings towards you. But it seems obvious that there is no way that I could be more than a friend to you. Furthermore, we’re just technically two different people. Although I’ve tried to hide this feeling of mine, somehow some people have found out about it. But this time I will come clean about this. Of course I do like you a lot…you’re pretty and cute, from your long hair to your sweet smile…and you’re a nice-hearted girl. I have already liked you just the way you are all this while. I do really wished that you will be my girlfriend…but maybe it was not meant to be…
Yup…maybe I should just move on before I get my heart broken even further. Now that I’ve expressed my feelings openly, at least I feel little bit better inside. Life must go on and I should stop putting hopes that something will happen. I should have known that in love…fantasies do exist but miracles never exist.

Conflicts from within

I kept asking myself why is it so hard to be a good person. No matter how hard I tried to be good, I’ve always did the same mistakes again and again and again. What is wrong with me!? It’s not as if I’m stupid nor I’m naïve. I am fully aware of what I’m doing. But I still did it anyway. If this was my downfall, then I could not blame anyone, irregardless if there is someone to put the blame on. I have to blame myself for my own downfall. It’s not as if I did not tried to be better…but it seems that all the effort I’ve put in will always be spoiled by my own same mistakes time and time again. Some may claim that it is my guilty conscious that is still keeping me from going bad. But I’ve already deemed myself bad…rotten piece of shit for making the same mistakes again. I don’t aspire to be the most perfect human in the world…all I’ve ever wanted is to make God and my family, especially my mom happy. What should I do now? Should I just continue trying or should I give up and let myself be strayed away in the darkness? There is a quote…”Our greatest glory is not in never failing…but in rising up every time we fail”. Deep down inside my heart, I do wish that this is really true and it is reality…but I am just plainly confused right now. I do know the right way…I do know what I should do but I just keep on doing it. When will it all end!? All I can hope now that I will be able to change before its too late. If I’m unsuccessful, I may not be able to redeem myself anymore as I was already given a second chance in life…but I still failed.

Hmm...

Sometimes I wonder why of all people I was immediately attracted to her. Maybe it is because I thought she was more of a friend…someone who I could share things together. Not many knew of this because I’m sure that if she had found out of my feeling, she would not be able to accept it and might avoid me completely. She only regarded me as her friend. Moreover I’m certain that she already had an admirer or even a boyfriend. However, my instincts told me otherwise…that she may somehow found out or even known about it…and that she doesn’t want to reciprocate my feelings.

I began to like her ever since the day I met her back then at the GP lecture. But looking at the situation right now, it seems quite impossible for us to even be close friends…not mentioning any feelings involved. All she does upon seeing me is just saying “hi”s and “bye“s. I wished we could at least have frequent friendly talks or go home together since we are living nearby. But once again all this are very unlikely.

Maybe I should just appreciate the fact that she still wants to be friends with me. I remember how hard it is to get her to start talking to me. Anyway, if there is anything else, my responsibilities had forced me to disregard my feelings in order for me to achieve the success I wanted. Only time will tell whether she will start talking to me again like we once do or even be close to me again. On my part, I can only hope that what happens in the future is what’s best for everyone.

Ups and downs

Life is full of up and downs. Sometimes you may feel that your life is like a bed of roses and at other times you may feel that your life just sucks just like crap. I once remembered saying that to always hope for a better future...but do not forget to appreciate the things you already have.

This is something that most of us don't really comprehend fully. We may say that we do appreciate whatever we have whereas in fact we don't treasure those things until is gone. I felt that life is too short...maybe we can live up until 60 years or more and then we all die. That is the fact of life...the nature of our evolution. Imagine that today was your last day to live...what will you do this very minute,very second?

I amy have seen this world for only a mere 18 years but I felt that there is still so much things to do and too little time to accomplish. Will I be able to achieve success...a success defined by me...in time? It reminds me of that saying...pray like its the last day of your life but work like you live forever. With so many responsibilities and hopes pinned on me, I could give to the best of my abilities in hopes of achieving my dreams...at least in showing my gratitude to God, my family and all those who had supported me until this far in giving me this opportunity, a shot at success